The tit;e and this thread may seem insulting but it's genuinely not meant to cause any offence. I'm just wondering because I'm a closeted gay male and trying to find a gay guy I'm attracted to is proving extremely difficult as most of them just seem very feminine and camp by nature. Of course that's completely FINE (before anyone jumps in and asks me what the problem is with that) but it's just not what I'm attracted to. I've started using Tinder and literally every single picture of a gay male on there includes filters and duckfaces or feminine poses, make-up, being surrounded by females or with some Lady GaGa/Kylie poster in the background. I've used other dating apps and had conversations with guys and got along with them but then as they become more comfortable with me they start to speak more flamboyant and say "OMG" alot and then they start to reveal they're actually a nurse or hairdresser or that they study fashion or something and then our interests start to clash.

It's very frustrating. I know gay guys "in real life" and most of them are sort of stereotypical I guess as well. I'm not exactly the most masculine person in the world and will openly admit that others might not find me or my personality attractive at all (which is fine of course, I'm pretty boring and laid back) but obviously you want to at least believe there is someone out there for you and you're not gonna be forever alone.

I personally know lots of gay guys who are stereotypical and who aren't. My husband for example boxed all the way through school and university and my best friend plays for a gay rugby team. On the other hand I have another friend who would give Alan Carr a run for his money in the camp stakes. i'm somewhere in the middle, I definitely have my camp moments but I don't do makeup! So there are lots of guys out there who don't fit the mold and I wish you luck in seeking someone you're attracted to.

That said, don't dismiss those stereotypical guys out of hand because you never know what you might be missing out on. Compromise is always necessary when you're looking for someone, if you stick to too rigid criteria then you may find yourself alone. Plus getting out there and meeting other gay men is a surefire way of coming into contact with even more. So even if you don't plan on dating them, good friends are always useful even if it's just to introduce you to their friends. I also wouldn't assume that you what you find on Tinder is necessarily representative of the gay community at large.

Sounds to me like you need to get out of the closet and meet gay guys in the real world rather than on apps/dating sites. I know lots of gay guys...some of whom fit the gay stereotype and many of whom you would never in a million years guess were gay. Also, if you're in the closet how are you going to be able to have a relationship with someone anyway?

If you really judge people as 'feminine' simply based on their occupation and among the other things mentioned, it does seem like you're shutting out a lot of potential suitors because of your own preconceived ideas. I don't have any negative opinion of you for thinking like that though since I did look at guys like that too. I'd say give people a chance and don't write them off for the reasons (which by and large are pretty trivial) you stated.

Also tbh the "straight-acting" gay man is a stereotype in itself, y'know, the MAN who has that condescending, pr*ckish attitude to other gay men because they don't have enough biceps or chest hair to fit their mould. I've got about as much time for them as I have the bitchy drama queens.

You're just after a straight married guy, aren't you..

I really trooly do actually totally and utterly believe that you are definitely certainly not a troll. TROO

And what part of his question makes you think that? there's nothing too outlandish wrote there, and in fact, a lot of gay men (unfortunately so) think like him.

he's taken the be nice and considerate, taking care not to offend anyone troll route

Oh yeah, they're the worst right. The ones you have to work extra hard to expose

I don't know if you're genuine or not, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt because I've been there (coming out) and I can see a lot of similarities in your situation that I've seen in others. Ignore the straights on here who don't know jack shit about homosexuality.


Firstly: You really need to broaden your horizons.

You seem to have restricted yourself to trawling the Internet and I can tell you my friend, that there is so much risk involved in that. It would take an age to list all the things that could go wrong in going down that route and believe me..... all is not as it seems on dating sites. You could be letting yourself in for a world of trouble.

Coming out isn't easy but you say you know other gay men in person and it might be a good idea for you to start hanging out with them, even if they are not quite as masculine as you'd like them to be.

Don't see them as possible dates, see them as friends who are going to show you around.... take you to places where gay men and lesbians congregate (we call it "The Scene").

When I first came out and a lesbian friend at uni said she'd take me to a gay nightclub I was really scared. But she looked after me, helped me gain confidence and taught me the most important rule of all:

Be yourself.

It's important that you find your way into the LGBT community, where you can relax and be comfortable with who you are. Go to places where you can chill out in a non-judgemental environment.... where you can be with a man and nobody gives you The Stare (or worse).... where you can approach a handsome man and feel safe in the knowledge that the worst thing that will happen is that he won't fancy you. Yep, rejections happen in the LGBT world too, you know.

Look up the summer Pride programme and promise yourself to attend at least one Pride festival. There is nothing like your first Pride festival for enhancing that feeling of, firstly "arrival" and then "belonging". You'll be glad you went. Brighton's always a good weekend. Wife and I usually do Brighton.

There is no right or wrong way to be gay. Get out there and start to mix with our own kind and you'll find your own niche in your own time. Along the way you'll meet somebody and it'll either work out or it won't, so you move on and every little experience teaches you something new every time.

Good on you for coming out. We've all been there and I know how difficult it can be, but you'll be fine. Coming out doesn't have to be a minefield.

Good luck in getting on the scene and remember: Rome wasn't built in a day.

If you want a few more detailed tips, feel free to PM me.

Why use one word when a thousand will do?

Loads. I have plenty of gay mates and have known plenty of gay people and most of them tbh are massive football fans, don't have any sort of "accent" and certainly don't wear "feminine clothes" or makeup.

I can't tell you were to "find them" though. It just kinda worked out that my friends happened to like the kind of things I do and were also gay.

I don't see myself as a stereotypical gay woman - I don't have short hair, I wear gothic make up, I very rarely wear jeans, I'm into patterned trousers and dark ankle boots at the minute. I spent my weekends at comedy gigs and going dancing - I have no interest in sports either.

The bloke asked for advice. I gave it.

There is no limit to the length of a post on this discussion forum. If your attention span can't handle anything over a restricted number of characters, then perhaps you might like to consider a forum more in keeping with the length of time you can concentrate. I suggest:

https://twitter.com/signup?lang=en-gb


Alternatively, you could try saying something constructive on the discussion, but I won't hold my breath for that.

I'm pretty much the same hunny, except I am into sport.

We all know about stereotyping though. Even in the LGBT community. When wife and I got married there were those who said Femme / Femme relationships never work out. More than ten years on and we're still married.

And hey...... we still even like each other...!!!

I like to think that I am 'non-stereotypical' ... but then what does that make me? Heteronormative?

I find the aversion to hairdressers, nurses and those who study fashion a bit odd - so many straight, as well as gay, people also do these jobs; there's nothing stereotypically gay about them! (the jobs )

No, they're all really fruity.

I think the op wants a dapper peter tatchell type but the available ones are all frank n furter clones.

yeah, I get what he means. why have some gays GOT to be outrageous ?

yeah ok, calm down luv, its been legal for yonks, no one cares, no need for the quentin crisp martyr stuff anymore .

The general line of thinking is that gays men are attracted to the sort of professions that encourage an expressive personality..... where flamboyance can flourish..... where people of an artistic nature can express themselves. This, according to the "experts" is typical of the gay man nature. But you're right. The jobs themselves aren't gay, they just attract people of an artistic disposition......straight or otherwise.

There may be something in the suggestion that many gay men have an artistic nature..... You should see some of the discussions about Strictly Come Dancing on the Rainbow Network..!!!

In truth, nobody is an expert. Stereotypes exist and are difficult to shake. I've been told on a number of occasions that "I can't believe you're married to a woman.... you've got such lovely long hair".

I reassure those people by saying that I do have a pair of Doc Marts, but I'm just not wearing them today.

Well said. The best gay men are those who aren't afraid to be individuals and have a decent personality. That's it. Same as with people of all genders and sexualities.

And 'straight acting' guys can be just as bitchy as the stereotypical camp 'queens' anyway. For me, the biggest turn offs are bitches (whether male/female, gay/bi/straight etc.). Just be a nice person FFS!

I'm the opposite - a straight woman with very short hair and rather a masculine way about me at times, who often gets asked if I'm a lesbian

In a hopeful way...? <wink>

Haha! Not so far I don't think