Okay, I've posted in here about my father in here before, but I've matured a lot since then, and things have taken a very different direction since.

As a backstory, I've always been not that close to my dad - felt less comfortable around him than my mum, don't take to him about serious stuff etc. I also felt I didn't like the atmosphere he brought to the house, and (and this part didn't go down well the last time I posted about it), his relationship with my mum didn't sit right with me - they argued a lot, and I didn't like how she just seemed to bow down to him even though he was never particularly pleasant to him. I've also had full-blown arguments/fights with my dad, one in particular 2 years ago which I posted about I still am not totally over.

So yeah, this summer, it came out that my parents were separating. Fine, I thought. It really didn't upset me at all, I thought if you don't love someone anymore you can't be expected to stay with them, although I could tell my mum was hurting and this saddened me a bit.

However, what my father neglected to tell me and my brother for two months is that there was infidelity. When he told me, I reacted very well - this was over a month ago now, and I haven't really seen him since. And the more I thought about it, the more it sits badly with me. It sits badly how it hurt my mum so badly, how he jeopardized relationships with all his children, how he ruined his reputation, and what annoys me most is how long it took for us to find out... He made it sound sooo much better than it was.

What makes it worse is that he's not even spoken to me for a month. Does he even care? I don't have any strong emotions about this, I've just been thinking about it lately. It's been on my mind a lot. I don't know where to go from here. I can't help but feel I was too nice when he told me and that's put me in an awkward situation. And why is my mum being so reasonable with him? Like I feel sorry for my dad in some ways (god knows why) because of like his reputation and stuff, but mum has it sooo much worse, she must have felt so humiliated and kept it to herself for months on end, trying to make it work to no avail, and for him to have said things like 'there's not going to be any acrimony between me and your mum' when he told me and my brother they were separating whilst withholding the truth just seems soooo arrogant and ignorant in retrospect.

I just don't know how I'll react when I next see him, but I just feel so disappointed in him to do this to my mum but at the same time, I feel like it's been confirmed to me that I was right all the years how I felt about him, and now everyone else gets a glimpse of his true character....

Sorry, huge rant!!

You're not obligated to maintain a relationship with him or respect him in anyway. Personally, I'd cut ties and focus on mum. She sounds like she'll be needing your support. Good luck with it all.

Echoing what rufnek says

I was in your mum's situation many years ago now. I was devastated at the time and had a baby of 5 months, a son of 14 and one of 15. All these years on, for myself, I am so glad it meant a split with my 1st hubby as my life actually improved afterwards. Having said that the effect on my two elder sons was irreparable. They had been doing well at school and all that changed. My eldest son went straight into the army as soon as he could and my middle son went to pieces. He has since suffered from anxiety and depression and he is now 43. I think the effect on children when this happens is under estimated. People say it is much better to split 'for the sake of the children' but I am not so sure. I feel for you as you will be going through a lot of different emotions at the moment. Help your mum to get through this and talk to who ever you can to help yourself through it.

Relationships between parents are usually very complex and although I can imagine that the fidelity issue is huge for you to understand as you are viewing this from your mothers perspective. I'm not in anyway condoning it, all I'm saying is that your relationship with your father is uniquely yours. Perhaps support mum but also work at the other relationship too.
Teenage relationships with parents can be a rocky emotional roller coaster.

As much as I'd feel bad about cutting my dad out of my life consideering all he's given to me materialistically and otherwise through my life, it's not really an option anyway - my mum has chosen to remain amicable with him, and we're still living in his house which he has moved out of.

Also I'd love to give my mum more support but unfortunately I'm away at uni and my brother is at boarding school, leaving her at home with two (very difficult) children. Also, her parents live very far away. That's another sad thing about this, although she does have a very supportive group of friends, and friends herself who are going through similar things, and (probably very uniquely to this type of situation), my dad's family, who live very locally are offering a lot of support to mum.


I have no idea how it's affecting my younger siblings tbh, but it's not affected me too badly - my parents stayed together for the kid's sake I feel and i don't think that was actually too much of a good. Years of bad atmosphere and eventual heartbreak for my mum.


Thanks for the reponse but I'm not entirely sure I understand what you're saying here?

As you and your siblings have now discovered, parents can be both flawed and fallible. I'd suggest not ever bottling things up so if you feel the need, please do consider using your university's counselling and support services. All the best with what you're going through.

Your future relationship is up to you, do you love /like your dad
Their personal relationship really has nothing to do do with you, if you love them continue to do so if not drop them
Easy but no going back I am one of those dads, my daughter and son both took their mother side and I haven't had contact for 25 years but still love them,
that's life I have no regrets it was their choice

I would say keep a relationship going with your Dad, your relationship may improve as you both grow older. And we only have one Dad. You don't have to talk every day, just stay in touch.

And of course help your Mother in any way you can. I'm glad her in laws are not ignoring her.

That's ok then, Oedipus.

Do you have anything pleasant/supportive to contribute?

Ignore that pillock "Toby LaRhone."

Rarely does he have anything to contribute other than sarcasm.

Ok - I'll try.
You open with the fact that you've posted a lot about this subject before - and you have.
Understandably, it's been about the impact it's had on you personally.
Then you went on to state:
"I have no idea how it's affecting my younger siblings tbh but it's not affected me too badly"
So, do you not agree that, as the elder sibling, you sound insensitive to your younger sibling's feelings given that you claim to be not affected?

I don't really know to be honest... and I don't know what relevance this has to the point of this thread.

He is at uni, so not around to see how his siblings are reacting. Not insensitive at all.
Also he doesn't claim to be not affected, he says it's not affected him much.

I'd gone through something similar as the OP as a young 'un my Mom and Dad didnt actually speak to each other they just used to fight, my Dad was old school and firmly believed a womans place is in the home, and my mom thought that was downright bollocks, and as a result they used to have some awesome rows. My brother and i actually used to just sit and wait for the door to slam before we went and saw which parent stayed with us.
Then one night the row was so bad i found myself edging towards the living room door in case i had to ring 999.
My father had told my mother that he'd been having an affair and was leaving my mom.
She demanded to know who it was, my father replied ( and i will always remember this) someone who respects me and who knows what its like to be a woman.
He left that night. My brother and i ( i was 16 he was 14) went too our mom, she was amazingly upbeat about it she kept saying that she was right and wasnt loosing it.
Turned out that my mom had twigged about it, roughly six months before but my father was telling her it ''was all in her head''
Nine months went by and my dad turned up at the house demanding to see us, by this point we werent that bothered, and we told him so. He then accused my mom of ''turning us against him'' but it wasnt that, he didnt want to know for nine months and then shows up out of the blue expecting us to run into his open arms.
He started to have regular contact with us for about six months after then vanished for five years, then turns up again with a young woman on his arm. Yes she was young, she was a year younger than me and heavily pregnant, demanding a divorce from my mom, which she already had papers ready for him to sign (couldnt give him a copy as no one knew where he was so she couldnt serve him the divorce papers).
He takes them and vanishes. Mom gets the court dates for the divorce, we go and its done. We dont see him for ten years after, when he bumped into me in town. He looked straight through me like i didnt exist.
My brother has seen him too playing happy families with yet another woman.
My mom went from strength to strength found a lovely decent man, whom my brother and i both call Dad and they are very happy together.

Your reactions sound about right to me OP (im in my 40's now) so i can undertstand why your disconnected. Just be there for your mom

I'm someone whose parents stayed together, cause that's what people did in those days, when they would have been better off apart. Their bad relationship didn't help me one bit, both my attitude to school and emotional well being deteriorated. They weren't bad people, I loved them both dearly, just completely unsuited to each other and if the truth be said unsuited to having children IMO.

I'm not offering advice so much as saying that sometimes, sad as it may be, there are no easy choices.

Oedipus Schmedipus... as long as he loves his mother!

So... another month has passed.

I feel my negative feelings towards him have now peaked - I've been home from uni for a week and I've seen how difficult my siblings are for my mum to bring up alone, I've heard how he complains about my mum's parenting style (at least she has been a parent), I've been told how he resents the fact my sister isn't 'normal', I've experienced how my maternal grandparents what he did to their daughter unforgivable and I've even heard my brother agree with me when I said he's been an awful person and father.

He even refused to have my little brother one night this week when he has no other plans, so either my mum or I will have to drive, because it turns out the taxi mum booked wasn't big enough.

I feel now everyone's realised what an asshole he is, and in some sick way I am glad about that. Sometimes I feel I just wish he'd get out of our lives - my true family's lives, and others I feel awful saying this - he's only human after all. Am I overreacting?

No ; youre not. Your father has a responsibility above all else to you, his children. Hes let you all down and isnt pulling his weight. Relationships have to work both ways and what hes said about your sister is unforgiveable. Support your mum and your siblings and live your own life.
I have no relationship with my father whatsoever, and Im not bothered at all. He was unreliable and cheated on our mum and we dont even know where hes living now. If he was dead I wouldnt know about it.
The only thought Id give it is " oh, hes dead"- and thats it. Theres nothing there.

If you all end up thinking along those lines its because hes been the cause of it and did nothing to correct it, or show his love for you all- put you first; reassure you all, etc.

Dont feel guilty for his faults; you and your siblings are the innocent parties in this-
He should be moving heaven and earth to reassure you all and to keep you all " in the loop" - and he isnt.


Youll all move on from this but it does take time

Who are these "siblings" that are difficult to bring up and that you have no idea how they are affected?
How old are they?
Are they step brothers/sisters or immediate?
How do you engage with them when you're at home?
Do you communicate with and support them when you're away?

The thing is, and this is completely selfish, but I just feel I can't move on without not being in his presence anymore. At this stage I just feel our relationship is somewhat unrepairable, and his presence just fills me with negative emotions. I think it would be best for me anyway if I just didn't have to spend much time with him anymore, but this isn't possible because we still live in his ****ing house so he's constantly popping in with no warning, and it totally changes the atmosphere. It's horrible, because I feel bad because it's probably awful for him and I'm not sure if I should be making more of an effort, but simulataneously I feel as though he deserves it.


What do you mean 'who are they'? I don't want to give away any ages sorry, but both much younger. Immediate. I get on very well with the brother, the sister less so as she is very troublesome and nasty which irks me but we can get on, and there's no acrimony or anything. And yes I try to keep in touch, but I don't feel my responsibility to 'support' them is that great anyway - I've tried my best to guide them when home, but ultimately I am trying to make my own way at uni, and it's not really my job to 'support' my siblings.

I think you should leave the relationship business between your parents. Your mum may or may not see the split as being permanent but doesn't need you in her ear about it. Your father had behaved badly but at the end of the day it's up to him and your mum to sort things out as they see fit. If he is being awkward then it's up to your mum to have a conversation with him about how things will be in the future. You need to stay out of it. It's not your relationship. I know you and your siblings are being affected by it but adult relationships aren't plain sailing and sometimes can be unpleasant. All you can do is be supportive, to both parents, and let them do what they think is best for their family. I get the impression you are not really doing this. It may not be a happy home at the moment but try not to make things worse.

As for your younger brother and sister, I think you are being a bit unkind. You are finding things difficult and you are much older. They are children. Have some compassion and give them a bit if support. If things are bad at home you could take them out for a while. Give your parents some space and do something fun with the kids. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Your point is ? Nasty.