I don't want confidential information.
I'm puzzled by the impersonal and detached references to "siblings" and "the brother" and "the sister", no feeling of responsibility toward them and no idea how they feel.
You're the eldest and you talk about how family life affects you so imagine how it is for them. Show them some compassion.

I totally agree.

Five weeks ago.
🐢💤

I agree the OP is away at uni and the kids having to live it everyday yet he only considers his own feelings. Maybe if he helped a bit his mother wouldnt find it so difficult.

Plus it doesn't sound like she is a single parent if his father is still actively being a parent which he is if popping into the house all the time

But I actually think the whole thing is made up

The OP has spent a lot of time at boarding school I believe so perhaps a slightly dysfunctional relationship with parents and siblings possibly. If you only live in the family home intermittently I think it would be easy to form a skewed view of the reality. He had posted here about various problems. Perhaps counselling would help.

Oh trust me, I do try to help a lot when I'm at home. My younger siblings aren't even young enough to understand the cheating side anyway: one doesn't know and another simply has incapability of caring.

With regards to the 'made up' bit, simply wow. Think about what the effect of what you write on here may have on people.


I don't think I need counselling and tbh I don't even think I have dysfunctional relationships. If anything,being Away from them has brought me closer to mum and siblings.

Are you as a student at university financially depending on him ?
You say your mother is being very reasonable with him and he is still coming to the family home etc, surely that is an altogether better outcome for all concerned?
This is your parents adult relationship not yours except where it impacts on you , it's understandable that you feel huge empathy for your mum, but have you tried to talk to your father? Sadly men tend to keep their feelings to themselves so you possibly have no idea what the full picture is.

Yeah I am, for accommodation fees and living costs, so the option to turn my back on him isn't reasonably there even if I sometimes wish I could.
And yeah, I guess it is better for most concerned. Just not for me I feel. I'm just talking about my feelings really, I would never try to make things harder for everyone else.
My dad spoke to me after my mum said he should about the cheating thing in the first place, but then I initiated a sit-down talk when I got home from uni - I texted him to organize it cos I just feel I didn't understand things well. It did kind of turn into him kind of defending his actions. Don't know how to feel about that. But no, he's not really delved into his feelings with me and never has done.

I don't think you really understand the situation with them though. What am I meant to call them other than sibling, brother and sister? I'm not gonna give away their names.

The youngest simply won't understand - he doesn't know about the cheating, and he is as happy as ever and our relationship is good.

The second youngest is just an all-out enigma.

I've spoken to my eldest sibling a lot about it, in quite some depth.

I don't know why people are delving into my relationships w my sibling. With respect to those who've tried to help with that, that's not what I posted for advice on.

I don't know where to go from here.

You don't have to go anywhere. And nobody here can tell you how you should be feeling or whether you should adopt one stance or the other. It's quite normal to feel uncertain or confused and for that to change from one moment to another. Best thing is to find out what your Mum and siblings need from you and try to be supportive to them. When you get the chance, talk honestly with your Dad about your feelings. You don't need to develop some hard and fast stance. You may find your emotions and opinions settle with time anyway.
Btw, even where there is infidelity, it is rarely black and white. As you get older, you realise people - even your parents - are imperfect and make mistakes. I'm surprised if you are surprised that your father tried to defend his actions. It would be a natural thing to do for many in his situation

I was in a destructive unhappy relationship and my my children suffered as a result of it and were extremely sympathetic towards me. However I would have done myself , my children and my ex if I had stopped being a victim and got out much earlier. Nothing will excuse his treatment of me but by allowing a bad relationship to continue it will only escalate to the detriment of all concerned. By staying it did cause a problem with my children and their father. That is regrettable as it shouldn't be about taking sides. Or feeling you have to. Form your own Independant relationship with your father and judge him on that would be my advice. That's what I advised my own children to do. 2 have a good relationship with him one dosnt. The eldest who I think was subjected the longest to the acrimony and that coloured his thinking.