Hiya,

So as some of you guys may know, I started a new job back in September, and I'm now out of training and on my team.

I had an email round today about the Christmas meal, now it's actually an extended 2 hour lunch break, rather than an evening event. There's about 6 of us on the team at the moment, but due to the fact that most of the team aren't dealing with phone calls, and I am, I've not yet had a proper conversation with anyone, despite being on the team for 3 weeks. They seem to have a lot of inside jokes and none have been particularly friendly to me.

My issue, is that I suffer with social anxiety, and I'm not brilliant in large groups, let alone large groups where I don't know anyone or don't have a "safe" person who I can escape with who understands what I can be like. I'm also really picky with food, but I don't want to be "that" person messing up the ordering/choice of location. By the time this lunch comes round, there'll be 13 of us as we have others joining the team in the next few weeks.

I don't know even my team manager well enough to mention anything to him, and I can't book the day off without going through him. If it were an evening event, I'd just say I was busy, or I had to leave early, etc.

Pretty clearly, my options are either go and risk an anxiety or panic attack, and still have to go back to work afterwards, or try and speak to him about it. Neither option I'm particularly comfortable with, but I need to do something! Can anyone give me any advice in terms of approaching someone about it?

I realise how trivial this seems, but anxiety is not logical, and for me, this is something I'm getting stressed over. If anyone has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.

Just say you're not going. Simple as that.

I have non of your issues but point blank said I am not going on my teams xmas lunch. They can have two hrs and I get two hrs peace and quiet 😄.

I have arranged a evening Xmas do for us tho and will be attending that so I am not being a complete grinch

Exactly what I say if I don't want to go. I don't even offer an explanation.

pull a sicky LOL or just don't go. Surely Christmas events are mainly meant to be fun so if you won't enjoy it then why bother ? If it were a training event or team building then it might be different.

Did you really laugh out loud when you wrote "pull a sicky"? Where's the humour in that?

OP, I'm sorry what a anxious situation to find yourself in. I know it's easier said than done, but try to build up the courage to attend the event. It may well pay dividends for the future as it will possibly build relationships with the people you work with.

Do you have an messaging system at work (such as Skype)? If you do, have you tried building a conversation over that?

Exactly. She doesn't need to give any explanation. Nothing to do with them why she's not going.

If you want your career at this company to go well, be part of the team(and be included in inside jokes, etc) then its a good idea to attend social events such as these. You really should try and go.

Its only a lunch. Things like this are always quite muted and it will be easy to dip in and out of other peoples conversations. Plus there is the big distraction/conversation topic of the food itself. Going to events like this is how you make friends and find your 'safe person'.

As its an xmas meal you will more than likely have to choose your food in advance and be able to flag any issues with the restaurant in advance.

We always get sent an invite through Outlook for our office Christmas lunch. Just a quick click on 'Decline' and I'm done.

Inspite of what people claim, you don't need to "network" with colleagues to progress at work. I'm in a fairly high up position in my company and I rarely if ever socialise with people I work with. At most I go to the annual company conference and dinner/drinks afterwards. Everything else I pretty much avoid.

I have a social life and friends outside work.

The OP can do whatever she wants, just be prepared for people to think you are a misery guts/Scrooge etc... and if you can cope with that, fair enough.

I to have social anxiety and do not particularly look forward to our office Christmas dinner but once I am there i actually do enjoy it.

OP - I would go especially if everyone else in the team is going, not least if you dont you will end up manning the office alone whilst everyone else is out.

As someone who has had his fair share of social anxiety I say just go; it's only a couple of hours and it's always possible that it wont be as bad as you think.

If you don't you will always be on the outside of the group. Just because you go it doesn't mean you will have to try to be the life and soul of the party.

I think you should try to go. Not easy but it is the only way you are going to get to know people. You say there will be new people joining between now and then so you won't be the only person unsure of things. It's not as if it's a party. Just eat what you want and try to talk a bit with the people beside you.

If you really struggle you can say you feel a bit I'll and go back to work early.

If they've never seen you consume any meat or dairy at your desk tell them that you are vegan. Most restaurants are unable to provide an adequate vegan option on a Christmas menu.

As someone who has experienced social anxiety and panic attacks in the past too, it's another vote for go from me. Though having said that, I've never been picky about food, so i could always look forward to the meal!

If social anxiety is something you want to change, then going to this could be a first step.

The deciding factor for me would be 'for next year's party, would you like to be able to go with less anxiety?'. If the answer is yes, you might as well try this year. Just prepare yourself with an excuse to bail if you need to.

It took me years to 'infiltrate' my boyfriend's home friends group because of anxiousness about not keeping up with in-jokes etc, but on Saturday I had my birthday party, and they all came for me and they honestly are a fantastic group of girls.

Personally I would not go I'd have no problem saying no thank you. It's nothing to do with being part of the team etc or being socially awkward ( I am a bit but that's not the problem) I'm too allergic to various foods to risk eating anything I haven't cooked myself.

I'm not suggesting you lie but you don't actually need a reason you may find if you give one they will try to persuade you, just say no thank you.

I just say no to this sort of thing now.

My reasoning is that they are "sold" as a "treat for me" and I HATE them so where's the treat?

I always say the same line - "thank you very much for your kind invitation but I never go to events such as these".

I've been doing this for years now - nobody seems to care and I still seem to get invited to them.

When I used to go to them I used to worry for weeks about it before hand - what do I wear, what time are we getting there? who am I sitting next to? will anybody talk to me? How am I going ot get home? Will I say something stupid? Will I spill something?

The whole day at work I would be dreading it and then once the ordeal was over I would just wish that I had never gone.

I used to go to things years ago when I was a big drinker of alcohol - I think that alcohol really acts as a social lubricant in these situations - take that out of the equasion and they can be a tad more awkward!

Thanks for everyone's replies.

I'm having anxiety about the potential anxiety happening at the event. I'm still thinking it over, but thank you again.

Quinie I hadn't even thought about that! No one will be able to drink as we have to go back to work afterwards.

I can relate to much of this. People who say "just go" are unaware perhaps that it's not just two hours of anxiety while you are there, it's anxiety from the moment you say you'll go. It just hangs over you like a cloud.

I used to accept because I thought people would be offended if I said no. Now I know that with very few exceptions, nobody actually cares. It's all forgotten in a couple of days.

I don't go to anything unless I feel completely at ease with it. Everyone else can like it or lump it.

My advice to the OP would be to not go, not least because these people haven't been particularly friendly with you. Maybe by next year (or the next similar event) you'll know them better, and the anxiety will be less.

But events like this are the perfect time to get to know them better.

Quite. This is also one of the easiest events to deal with. None of the concerns posted above by quinie even apply. You know when you are going, what you are wearing, what you are eating, who you will be sitting with, how you will get home, etc. Its only a couple of hours and its very easy to make an excuse if you do want to leave.

Its the perfect way to break yourself into work social events and become more part of the team.

Depends on how long you plan on staying in the company. If you want to stay, then you will have to go - if you are not staying, don't bother. You will get called anti-social, but who cares?

I think you should go. If it was an out of hours 'doo' then you could easily make excuses and get out of it. But to say no and then sit on your own in the office is painfully sad.

I have always been socially awkward but you can't avoid situations like these all your life. Things you aren't looking forward to are generally better than expected. Maybe your other colleagues don't talk to you much because you haven't made much of an effort to talk to them .. but this is your chance.

Edited to say - if my works do was out of hours I wouldn't go. I have to work to pay the bills ... I don't want to socialise with them outside of work. However, if its during the working day then I go. They are paying for you to skive.

If there are others joining the team, then it won't just be the pre-existing clique there. You also have a few weeks before hand to break the ice with the newbies, who will be in much the same boat as you and so pre-disposed to be friendly with you.
I think many of us do suffer from social anxiety to an extent, though clearly some have it worse than others. But I've usually found these sort of occasions much less daunting than I feared once I'm there.

Or sit there trying to make conversation with people who answer in monosyllables, until eventually you sit there in silence feeling totally out of it while they all share jokes about people and events you know nothing about.

But perhaps you haven't been to as many of these dos as I have. They're fine if you're mates with the people there already, definitely not if you're not.

I'd rather sit on my own in the office and read a book. Some may see that as sad, I see doing something you hate because you feel you have to conform as sad. It's just the individual viewpoint - one's as valid as another. We'd all be a lot happier if we didn't do things just because everyone else thought it would be fun.

I don't think some of the posters replying to the OP know what social anxiety is, btw.