Thanks for replying

I've had that thought myself and wanted to explain how it is for me. It's not just a "pretend it's not there" type of thing, or something I could just sit quietly and listen to everyone else. It's not shyness. I burn up, I go dizzy and can't focus on anything. Everything seems very loud and overwhelming, and I start shaking and struggle to get words out. My heart beats about 120 beats/minute, I go really itchy and subconsciously scratch my skin until it bleeds, I think it's my body wanting to "feel" a sensation rather than an emotion. That's the basic of it, it can get worse.

When we've been going on a break, I've tried to join in, I've asked "oh, what's this?" about something people have been discussing, and just got a "oh, its a long story. You don't know the person anyway"

They all chat a lot because they're based on web chat, whereas I'm on the phone, so can't join in - it's very isolating!

I hope work improves for you as new people join. I've found that the symptoms do calm down after a time, though they never go away completely. I can't sit too far from a door in restaurant or pub, because I have to know I can escape quickly. I'm afraid if I don't have an escape route, I'll start panicking. It sounds daft, but there it is.

I'm in my 60s, and I still dread certain situations, and anything resembling a party with people I don't know well or get on with. The thing that's changed is, I care less if I'm seen as anti-social by refusing to go to these sorts of things.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

I'm with you on the escape route thing!! It's so true that anxiety doesn't care who you are/what you do/how old you are!

I think you should give it a go. I understand how you're feeling I'm quite smiliar but I know that it will be worse if you do not give it a try.
Find out where it's being held and google the menus, then decide what you want.
When you ge there give a friendly hello. Remember they don't know you that well either so give them a chance.
If you are feeling unwell just say that you need to pick something up at the shop for a friend or member of the family and it's a real shame but they're quite awakard

Sorry maybe being a bit facetious about a serious issue.

We don't really know the importance of attending the event. I once worked for a company that arranged a training day and a dinner/ dance on a Saturday at a swanky hotel. I said that I would go because it was 'mandatory', however I didn't turn up.

I'd never worked for a company that expected you to do something like that and couldn't see how they could force you to turn up unpaid on a Saturday. A dinner/dance was (is) precisely the last thing on my bucket list.

I also couldn't understand why they were so upset/ angry either, genuinely surprised. Suffice it to say I didn't work there for much longer after that, thank god.

So my point is, that if the OP genuinely doesn't want to go put feels that it might some how negatively impact her progress then pulling a sicky might be a possible option. YMMV things may have changed a bit since I last had a job ?

Hi

I suggest you go, OK you suffer anxiety and panic attacks most people do, avoiding social gatherings is not helpful your just reinforcing your idea your are crap
Why not try and overcome your anxiety and go, the more engagements you have with others the more you learn and realize that you are an equal By going to informal "do's" you can pick up the socials skills necessary for life, I had no idea in younger life which cutlery to use let alone which way to pass the port

PS What are you worried about specifically

I agree with these posts, give it a go, & if it is too much, at least you tried & can find an excuse for the next time. Also, will no going impact your advancement opportunities? And remember YOU are just as good as the next one.

Don't go if it's going to cause you anxiety.

There's a lot of peer pressure to be 'sociable' at Christmas, especially in office environments, but it doesn't suit everyone and it's not compulsory.

First time you say no is always difficult, but it gets easier, I remember the trauma we went through first time my husband said no to an event like this, but 17 years down the line he is still invited still says no thank you, still a valued employee so much so he gets a bigger bonus because he hasn't cost the company money on a party ! His bosses hate the drunken event, so they really appreciate anyone not going as they are usually only one fit and healthy for the early shift next day.

There is no alcohol at this party though, so concerns like that are irrelevant.

Ok. I'm one of the ones who does - first hand and from my mum. I still say it comes down to where the OP wants to be in a year's time, say. I get the impression from the OP - this might be incorrect - that she feels on the outside looking in, and would like to be part of the group.

If that's true, then facing the anxiety is a worthwhile step - it was for me. If she's not interested in being part of the group, then fine, she can stay away.

I don't think anyone has said that she'd be sad for staying away if that's what she wants - only that she'll be seen that way and may well need to prepare to defend the excuse.

It is a bit rude to say "anybody who says go has no idea about anxiety".

Maybe it's because people do know what it's like that they have experience of trying their best to overcome things like this. It's not easy but if you try it could lead to better, more relaxed relationships with people at work. If you say no you will have this hanging over you every year. Whatever the OP decides to do is going to cause anxiety and maybe going to this lunch would be a small step towards feeling better about this situation.

I just say that I prefer to keep the only Christmas Lunch of the year I have as the one we will cook at my Mum's on the 25th December.

That proposed solution is like trying to teach someone to swim by dropping them from a helicopter into the middle of the North Sea.

This is it for me too! I'm still a valued employee, had 2 raises in the last year actually. I just say no thanks to things I don't want to go to and that's it. Nothing further is said. If a colleague casually says "why aren't you going to such and such..?" I just respond I didn't fancy it and leave it at that.

Yes, exactly. Though I daresay they mean well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by oldcrakpot
I suggest you go, OK you suffer anxiety and panic attacks most people do, avoiding social gatherings is not helpful your just reinforcing your idea your are crap
Why not try and overcome your anxiety and go, the more engagements you have with others the more you learn and realize that you are an equal By going to informal "do's" you can pick up the socials skills necessary for life, I had no idea in younger life which cutlery to use let alone which way to pass the port

I was lucky enough to meet many people in different events and learnt social skills from them no idea what dropping people into the north sea has to do with this lady but 28 years back I did get dropped from a helicopter in the Med with a heavy haversack fortunately I was expected to do so and could swim
Paul

I will give a short history of my life, I failed my 11 plus became a Butcher, British Army Bombardier later a Captain, Banker, Clock Antiques repairer, a Bus driver , Plumber and left the UK 20 years ago Now in 18 Months I get a full UK old age pension, what life experienced have you had

The lovely lady who is my wife for the last 25 years, I first met at the companies Christmas Party

I agree.

Two hours will also pass very quickly.
By the time they get to where their going, order, waiting time, & eat, it will soon be time to get back to the office.
I would check out the menu online beforehand, so I know what I,ll be ordering before I get there.
I would also choose an end seat, easier to get out and might be more comfortable than sitting in the middle with strangers.
The person next to you or opposite will most likely strike up a conversation.

One of my oldest friends once told me he never went to any Work social functions, he works at an airport - as the only thing he had in common with his "team" was that an HR Manager had sent them to work in the same place.

I never understood this as I always had good times attending work "do's" even driving an hour or so to get to them.

Then I went to work somewhere where I had nothing whatsoever in common with anyone else in the whole company.
I stopped going to the Annual Company Xmas Dinner just saying we my wife was working so it was my turn for babysitting.

Sometimes the people I worked with immediately might go for one drink in a local pub, but it was not organised or anything and you ordered your own food at the bar.

Where I work now, I will have the Xmas lunch in the canteen but will not attend the official company Xmas dinner as I cannot be bothered.

I gave up sending Xmas cards to people at work years ago.

I make a powerpoint up with a picture and message on and send that

I will add one more thing, I'm unemployed and when I was made redundant after 10 years, it was loosing the social contact ( talks around the water cooler, larking around on late shift etc etc) was the biggest thing to deal with.

The OP might want to think about how valuable amicable working relationship would be, perhaps confide in some one and arrange to meet them at the dinner.

It's also a good opportunity to subtly let people know what a good job you are doing, if you don't sing your own praises no one else will.

oops that was two more things !

I would only go if you felt that you would enjoy it. Otherwise don't. There's no crime in just being yourself and that includes not going to vastly overrated Xmas dos. If you really didn't want to go, then there's a 100% chance that whatever you do instead will be more enjoyable than if you were there.

Op, you say people haven't been friendly towards you - that may be because they have
mistaken your anxiety and shyness for standoffishness. If you can possibly manage it, go to the lunch to show that you are part of the group and don't think they are all beneath your notice. You don't have to say much, just eat your lunch, wear a paper hat, and listen to others.
It would be a giant step forward for you in gaining confidence.

I was trying to make the point that if the anxiety is coming from a anxiety illness rather than an irrational fear, then the "immersion" technique of solving it is a very high risk strategy and may not be an appropriate course of action.

If the OP has a severe anxiety illness then it is not a case of "just shaking it off" as some on this thread seem to think. It's not just that she doesn't want to, she physically can't do it. You would not say to a person with a broken leg "have you tried running it off?" or prescribe "just getting over it" to someone in cardiac arrest, (or indeed suggesting someone who can't swim to be dropped into the north sea.)



I didn't realise we were playing self-worth top trumps. Yeah, you're a better person than me. Well done. You win. I am nothings. My opinion counts for nothing, ignore me. Thanks.

It's all well and good for people to say "Just don't go" "Don't even explain, just don't go" etc
but that won't help the OP's broader situation.

The reason she doesn't want to go will not go away until she can establish a person or group of people who she's comfortable with, and the only way to do that really is to be sociable with her colleagues when an opportunity like this arises.

OP, can you not ask your doctor for something to calm your nerves and to help you relax on a one-off premiss?
Perhaps the dinner sounds a good way to break the ice with your colleagues?

It's such a tricky one for the poster though. It's not like drinks after work or an evening thing where you can call off last minute or have an easy excuse of a prebooked commitment.

Its an extended lunch break so presumably at 12 sharp the whole team will down tools and head off as a group to the lunch venue. I can see that staying behind alone in an empty office isn't really an option without looking "odd" which could further exacerbate her anxiety and potential isolation.

If you feel able to be a little deceptive why don't you stage a little illness around 11am- or maybe have a small emergency at home- burst pipe for example. You can legitimately duck out for the afternoon or maybe even just the lunch period, and tell your colleagues how disappointed you are. You'll probably lose your meal deposit but save a bit of face.