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Old 29-11-2016, 12:21
captain_cherub
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YOUR PRE-SERIES FACT FILE
Because this being a history-based fantasy series, you may not be all that familiar with some of the cast (although that’s fairly true of most regular series and honestly a lot of the real Strictly series), so this is a rough guide to the Step Back In Time cast of 2016
.
Claim to Fame: self-explanatory
Nationality: again, self-explanatory
Professional Partner: again again, self-explanatory
Dates: birth and death (although ssshhhh, for the purposes of this show just imagine they’ve been transported through time in their prime - or else I have a show full of near-corpses - so don’t tell them when they die yet)
Height: believe it or not you can actually find this stuff for (some) long-dead people too - for some of them I've just yoinked their actor's height
Personality: a few notes on their personality, so you can brace yourselves
Strictly-alike: past Strictly celebrity they most resemble


THE MEN

Alexander the Great
Claim to Fame: King of Macedon 336 BC - 323 BC
Nationality: Macedonian
Professional Parter: Kristina Rihanoff
Dates: 356 BC - 323 BC
Height: 5’, which was average height back then (Attila the Hun was barely 4 feet tall, - imagine Claudia Fragapane towering over anyone), so we’ll bump him up to 5’7 for ease of pairing
Personality: Super-competitive to a fault, bit of a meathead, he is very used to being undefeated and top of his game. A wee bit deluded because he has been told he’s a son of Zeus, but an unstoppable hard worker (let’s see how quickly Kristina can flame out with this one this time around)
Strictly-alike: Gabby Logan, Iwan Thomas, Steve Backshall, Robbie Savage (basically every Ola partner... except maybe Paul Daniels)

Jack Kerouac
Claim to Fame: Novelist, Poet
Nationality: American
Professional Parter: Iveta Lukosiute
Dates: 1922 - 1969
Height: 5’8
Personality: The surly hunk, an alternative underground iconoclastic thinker but also a good guilt-stricken Catholic boy. A potentially lethal ovary assault. Iveta hopes to maximise this to full potential (to redeem herself from the Taaaaam Evans misfire)
Strictly-alike: Jake Wood, Mark Ramprakash (reticent lust objects for a nation of lusty housewives)

James Dean
Claim to Fame: Actor
Nationality: American
Professional Parter: Aliona Vilani
Dates: 1931 - 1955
Height: 5’8
Personality: ultimate puppydog woobie (dying aged 24 will do that to you), mega-ringer (look, photos of him in a dance class with Eartha Kitt! Very clearly not sitting in a chair! Good to know he's flexible though.), also an unstoppable flirt (is going to go through this cast like wildfire). Aliona has her eye on going for a triple crown now Aljaž has joined the two-timers club (at least in my serieseses canon)
Strictly-alike: Jay McGuiness, Matt di Angelo, Louis Smith (WOOBIE WOOBIE WOOBIE)
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Old 29-11-2016, 12:26
captain_cherub
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THE MEN, CONT'D


Karl Marx
Claim to Fame: Philosopher, Economist, Sociologist, Journalist
Nationality: German
Professional Parter: Natalie Lowe
Dates: 1818 - 1883
Height: 5’9
Personality: Not one clue as to why he signed up, when he sits around most of the time spouting random codswallop about the bourgeois dominance of popular culture (here, ballroom dancing) and the oppression of the masses (being forced through three months of Lisa Snowdon). Comrade Natalie Lowe half-listens to all of this, but she wants you to know that she TOTALLY agrees and thinks that he’s got some AMOYZING ideas.
Strictly-alike: because of the verbal diarrhea, Vanessa Feltz - this is the first and last time that Feltz and Marx will be included in a sentence together, let alone compared

Richard III
Claim to Fame: King of England 1483 - 1485
Nationality: English
Professional Parter: Karen Clifton
Dates: 1452 - 1485
Height: would be 5’8 without the scoliosis
Personality: Really would like everyone to forget about Shakespeare for just one minute please, he’s not even a hunchback! Pretty grim and battle-hardened, and may have murdered several members of his family so certain corners of DS will be pleased to know he’s now partnered into fellow Northern power dynasty the House of Clifton. Karen hopes she can make renowned child-murderer, the Original Tricky Dicky love her, but she may be setting herself up for a fall.
Strictly-alike: ....Iwan Thomas, because I made a random comparison and it’s stuck in my head. Hopefully he’ll be out before he can show us his WIGGLEWIGGLEWIGGLEYEAH

Sigmund Freud
Claim to Fame: Neurologist, Psychoanalyst, Scholar
Nationality: Austrian
Professional Parter: Oti Mabuse
Dates: 1856 - 1939
Height: 5’8
Personality: Your favourite creepy sex-therapist uncle, who’s been engrossed in abnormal psychology academia for so long he’s sort of forgotten about normal human behaviour/boundaries. Oti sighs and sets her alarm clock ready for next year’s launch show.
Strictly-alike: the one and only shrink-wrapped sex therapist to the stars (or whatever it was) Dr Pamela Stephenson, but even less inhibited off the dancefloor (and more interested in... mothers) with a touch of Ed Balls?
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Old 29-11-2016, 12:30
captain_cherub
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THE WOMEN


Coco Chanel
Claim to Fame: Fashion designer, businesswoman
Nationality: French
Professional Parter: Kevin Clifton
Dates: 1883 - 1971
Height: 5’7
Personality: A bit conservative, is there to wear nice dresses (good luck with that love, have you met Wardrobe yet?) and be a snooty Continental stereotype. Don’t talk to her about the Nazis, no comment. Kevin finally gets his token old lady, who (in contrast to most of his previous partners) is very much not here for the Clifton Experience.
Strictly-alike: Holly Valance, Jerry Hall, rich and above it all, and of course timeless international glamour avocado Nancy Dell’Olio would be the first in line to compare herself to *in her words* Cuckoo Chamois

Eleanor of Aquitaine
Claim to Fame: Queen Consort of England 1154 - 1189
Nationality: French
Professional Parter: Aljaž Skorjanec
Dates: c. 1120 - 1204
Height: Katherine Hepburn was 5’8, therefore so is Eleanor
Personality: One hell of a quote-thrower, soapy mega-matriarch, a little bit mafia. All three of her sons are forced to come watch even though only one of them likes her (and that’s only for some of the time). Here to do some nice slow elegant ballroom (so perfect for Aljaž) and not much else (also perfect for Aljaž).
Strictly-alike: Stephanie Beacham, Lesley Joseph, and a bit of Judy Murray too (as she’s here to thoroughly embarrass her high-achieving children)

Gruoch, Lady Macbeth
Claim to Fame: Queen Consort of Scotland 1040 - 1054
Nationality: Scottish
Professional Parter: Brendan Cole
Dates: 1015 - c. 1054
Height: Marion Cotillard is 5’7, alors Lady M est aussi
Personality: Ambitious and brittle and tense to the point of unravelling. Washes her hands a lot backstage. Will win this whole thing or so help her, she will get her husband (/Brendan) to murder all of you in your beds. Brendan knows this is his best opportunity to break out the guyliner every week, such is the towering Gothic angst. Macbeth was the one with the vampires, right?
Strictly-alike: Susanna Reid, with all the weapons-grade Machiavellian PR
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Old 29-11-2016, 12:35
captain_cherub
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THE WOMEN, CONT'D


Helen of Troy
Claim to Fame: Princess/Face/Whatever Mythical People Did For A Living
Nationality: Greek
Professional Parter: Giovanni Pernice
Dates: c. 13th century BC
Height: well, Rossana Podestà was 5’4 so...?
Personality: Well, she’s the Face That Launched A Thousand Ships, not the Personality That Launched A Thousand Ships as such. Bit of a bot. Still knows that sex sells (Giovanni’s getting ready for Abortive Showmance Number 3)
Strictly-alike: Kelly Brook, Laura Whitmore, Rachel Stevens

Marilyn Monroe
Claim to Fame: Actress, Model
Nationality: American
Professional Parter: Pasha Kovalev
Dates: 1926 - 1962
Height: 5’5
Personality: Kittenish and charming, she plays up her sexuality consciously but coyly. Enjoys being the dumb blonde but there’s a very shrewd perfectionist underneath who might be a bit difficult to work with. Pasha still thinks she’ll be a walk in the park after being locked in a training room with Caroline Flack stroking his chest and purring all week.
Strictly-alike: Kimberley Walsh (but which side? Bang-your-head-against-the-wall-perfectionist shock bottom 2 appearance? Or fierce-gaymazing-glamazon-yet-still-lacking-an-actual-personality?)

Sarah Bernhardt
Claim to Fame: Actress of Stage and (Silent) Screen
Nationality: French
Professional Parter: Trent Whiddon
Dates: 1844 - 1923
Height: 5’3
Personality: More than a bit wacky (sleeping in a coffin, I tell you!) Alexandre Dumas called her a notorious liar and over-exaggerator (or she might have lied/over-exaggerated that as well). She will be the first to tell you her Wikipedia page describes her as ‘the first international entertainment icon’, oh and DID YOU KNOW she’s played Hamlet and Lady Macbeth too, she’s LIVED man. Trent wonders what glorious overtheming he can wrangle out of this one.
Strictly-alike: Wibble-wobble wibble-wobble, Helen (George) on a plate! A touch of the Gumede too (I mean, her nickname WAS The Divine Sarah, so of course Natalie would try and cop a feel).
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Old 29-11-2016, 12:43
captain_cherub
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SCHEDULE


12 remaining - This Is Me
(a dance to represent you, and I dread to think what this lot would come up with)
[b]12 remaining - Week Two[/B}
(the first elimination)
11 remaining - Musicals Week
(probably the most overdone theme week, but I can never resist a bit of musical theatre)
10 remaining - Week Four
9 remaining - Most Memorable Year/Personal Story Week
(I know, I know, it’s very DWTS *gets the garlic and crucifix out* but this actually might be interesting because it’s not a cast full of random Vine stars and a Real Housewife of the Louisiana Swamps)
8 remaining - Week Six
7 remaining - Literature Week
(I think the movies might be a bit far out for some of the more ancient celebrities)
6 remaining - Switch-Up Week
(again, a bit DWTS but I needed a gimmick that meant I didn’t have to do an elimination)
6 remaining - Quarter-Final - 2 dances
5 remaining - Semi-Final - 2 dances
4 remaining - The Grand Final - 4 dances
(including an unlearned dance, a Showdance and two favourite dances)

So, votes-wise, I’ve already decided on a winner so there won’t be any voting this series. I promise I haven’t chosen a universally detestable winner. (But I promise in the next series I have planned you’ll be able to vote from the top six onwards. Or something. No promises.)
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Old 29-11-2016, 17:42
StigOfTheKrump
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I'm now picturing Jack Kerouac doing the Samba to Macarena, Richard III dancing to Sexy and I Know It and Marilyn Monroe dancing to It's Raining Men. I'm not sure which is worse.
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Old 29-11-2016, 20:58
captain_cherub
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I'm now picturing Jack Kerouac doing the Samba to Macarena, Richard III dancing to Sexy and I Know It and Marilyn Monroe dancing to It's Raining Men. I'm not sure which is worse.
I was wondering what you were talking about for a moment, then I twigged.

Speaking of song choices, none of the week 1 dances are quite as bad as those, but Sigmund Freud's is... a choice (in the words of Tatianna). A very Freudian choice.

...

Tempted to upload week 1 tonight. Maybe. I might need persuasion/bribery/flattery though
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Old 29-11-2016, 22:01
captain_cherub
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On second thoughts, kind of tired, so I'll leave you with a song preview of sorts (I probably won't do this most weeks) and the first show will go up tomorrow, most likely.

Cha-Cha-Cha
DJ Khaled feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross
Jennifer Hudson
The Lonely Island feat. Justin Timberlake

Foxtrot
Kate Bush
Lorde

Jive
The Glenn Miller Orchestra
The Jam

Salsa
David Guetta feat. Akon

Tango
Elton John
Queen

Waltz
Leonard Cohen
Westlife

Guess away - and with those guesses, think about the theme ('This Is Me'), and which contestant they best represent...
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Old 30-11-2016, 00:47
UncannyAvengers
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Can't wait to see Alexander's Cha-Cha to All I Do Is Win and Freud's to Motherlover
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Old 30-11-2016, 02:41
Monsieur23
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As a Leicester resident, and a Psychology student, rest assured that Richard will top my vote.

And f***ing Freud will not.
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Old 30-11-2016, 20:17
captain_cherub
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Going to delay the show just a little bit more for the sake of:

a) pointless tension

b) I just had a great last-minute idea for an added extra I'm going to post every week and I'm sure I'll find it underwhelming and un-brilliant almost immediately after I post it. So I need a bit of time to think it up.
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Old 30-11-2016, 20:25
captain_cherub
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Can't wait to unsee Alexander's Cha-Cha to All I Do Is Win and Freud's to Motherlover
Fixed that for you. (Thank you, both are correct)

As a Leicester resident, and a Psychology student, rest assured that Richard will top my vote.

And f***ing Freud will not.
You may be pleased to know that Freud does not come out of this series looking good. (In fact, nobody here's getting a very flattering portrait, but Freud especially isn't). Also, please forgive the amount of pseudo-psychological terms/waffle I'm going to include, because I don't have a clue what it means and am hence using it as incorrectly as possible.
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Old 30-11-2016, 21:19
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OPENING CREDITS

*lights up... we hear the Strictly Band trying to sing in angelic harmony, but it sounds more like a 4-pets-for-1 special offer on neutering at the animal hospital*

Come with us on a journey through time and space...


*the judges hurtle through the time vortex on their Time Travelling flying piano, each of them steering in a different direction*

*the special effects are a bit Monty Python/French & Saunders, showing a little plastic piano with four Lego minifigures attached to it bobbing around the background on a piece of very visible string*

*the familiar Strictly themed strikes up, and the credits begin as usual with the shots of all the couples, and an onscreen calendar appears, the dates flicking back...*

1250 BC - Helen is puzzling over a giant wooden horse, when its backside opens and out jumps Giovanni Pernice! They pout down the camera, all sexy sexy sex.

Helen of Troy and Giovanni Pernice!


324 BC - Alexander is swinging his sword about (take that in whatever sense you like) while Kristina flexes her muscles at a safe distance.

Alexander the Great and Kristina Rihanoff!


1050 - Lady Macbeth stares down the camera grinning malevolently, hands soaked in blood, while Brendan is chased round the back of shot by some angry Scotsmen.

Lady Macbeth and Brendan Cole!


1183 - Eleanor is in her castle prison, Aljaž climbs through the window. Sadly this is silent, so we don’t hear the unspeakable lecherous comment Eleanor makes about his arse.

Eleanor of Aquitaine and Aljaž Skorjanec!


1485 - Richard holds his brother’s head down to drown him in a barrel of Malmsey wine (ok, he didn’t do it PERSONALLY) while Karen inches nervously away.

Richard III and Karen Clifton!


1875 - Karl is giving out flyers and starting the revolution, and looks very over-serious. Natalie is doing cape action with the Communist flag , shouting ‘AMOYZING’ like a loon.

Karl Marx and Natalie Lowe!


1878 - Sarah pops out of Nancy’s sacred glitter-coffin (and elbows Trent out of the way, he goes flying), finds the camera immediately and makes endless stage-school faces down it.

Sarah Bernhardt and Trent Whiddon!


1921 - Sigmund diagnoses Oti with Extreme Competitive Neurosis, she knocks his papers flying and leaps into his arms. Sigmund does sex-faces. Oti’s is a bona fide rictus grin.

Sigmund Freud and Oti Mabuse!


1943 - Coco is inspecting a line of models, when Kevin bursts out from the curtains in skintight leopard-print. Coco snorts, tosses her hair, and pushes him back through again.

Coco Chanel and Kevin Clifton!


1955 - James is pouting and posing and adjusting his famous red jacket right down the camera lens, while Aliona gives him a note saying ‘MORE WOOBIE’

James Dean and Aliona Vilani!


1957 - Jack takes a cross-country road trip, but he looks very green-faced because Iveta’s driving, and she’s swerving everywhere and bellowing Lithuanian curses at pedestrians.

Jack Kerouac and Iveta Lukosiute!


1959 - Marilyn has a whoopsie-daisy skirt malfunction in a windy street. Pasha (a gentleman) tries to save her modesty, but ends up with a faceful of skirt. Marilyn cackles.

Marilyn Monroe and Pasha Kovalev!


Welcome to STRICTLY: Step Back In Time!
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Old 30-11-2016, 21:24
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WEEK 1

This Is Me

Welcome to the first (and very possibly the last) series of STRICTLY: Step Back In Time!

Tonight twelve famous faces - who have graced the history books and bored a nation of schoolchildren to death several times over for hundreds of years - will do battle to win the love and affection of people born ages (in some cases millennia) after they died, and so they'll never meet them, and so what is the point, and some of them still aren't fully up to speed with the concept of television, or light entertainment, or Claudia Winkleman, but there's no time now for the first two (and there'll never be time for any of us to fully comprehend Claudia) so off we go!
(Hooray for long run-on sentences)

Alexander the Great & Kristina Rihanoff
Cha-Cha-Cha - All I Do Is Win - DJ Khaled feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross

(3, 6, 6, 5) - 20
Editing-wise and song-wise, Alexander has really been set up for a fall here, and this is the nearest thing we have to the Awkward Sportsman Week 1 Cha-Cha-Cha (but without Len to boost it up a bit). There’s a lot of crossed arms and stomping and throwing Kristina around. It’s always disconcerting watching someone who’s used to winning delivering under par, and the Kompetitive Kristina Factor means the series is off to its tensest start... possibly ever?

Eleanor of Aquitaine & Aljaž Skorjanec
Waltz - Queen Of My Heart - Westlife

(5, 5, 7, 7) - 24
Eleanor’s stately waltz is very nice, if a bit boring: when the routine features marginally exciting choreography she starts to dodder a bit. She’s clearly going to be more memorable for all the quips off the dancefloor than any of the pleasant safe dancing she does on it, and she delivers (‘My husband said I looked like the Queen of Sheba. That was thirty years ago. Now he says I look like the camel she rode in on.’)

Jack Kerouac & Iveta Lukosiute
Jive - Beat Surrender - The Jam

(6, 7, 7, 6) - 26
Jack pulls off a cool and slick 50s jive. It’s full of good timing and styling and fantastic energy, but he’s got serious Grumpy Cat face throughout (even Jake Wood, the Grumpiest of Cats, could gurn a bit when called upon). When Craig pulls him up on this, he very seriously offers to fight him in the bar, which Tess seizes on (because they’ve had three boxers on the show now and not one of them has actually threatened to iron Craig out yet, they’re getting desperate)

Next up, Lady Macbeth is a rhymes-with-witch, Coco starts a feud, and Sarah reminisces about stripping.
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Old 30-11-2016, 21:35
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Lady Macbeth & Brendan Cole
Tango - The Bitch is Back - Elton John

(6, 8, 8, 8) - 30
Lady M doesn’t seem to mind the song choice. In fact, she’s rather eating it up - she’s got a pout that you could cut yourself on - and in her mania, is almost leading Brendan around the floor. The judges are half-overawed and half-petrified. But the audience is very grudgingly applauding (not since the heady days of Nancy Dell’Olio have they rejected someone like this, and Lady M can dance!). She utterly disregards this, of course, and doesn’t even bother hiding her displeasure at that 6 from Craig. Someone’s getting a visit from her husband tonight (no, not in that way, keep your Shakespeare slashfic to yourself)

Coco Chanel & Kevin Clifton
Cha-Cha-Cha - All Dressed In Love - Jennifer Hudson

(3, 5, 5, 5) - 18
Coco doesn’t think very much of her dress, and would like everyone to know, while Wardrobe retaliates by digging out one of Ann Widdecombe’s old fumigation tent numbers for next week. Her dancing isn’t much cop either, and she spends it mostly looking at herself and posing in the giant mirror, while Kevin showboats around it. (Does it count as outdancing your partner if they’re not dancing to begin with?) I have Jerry Hall flashbacks.

Sarah Bernhardt & Trent Whiddon
Foxtrot - Babooshka - Kate Bush

(7, 8, 7, 8) - 30
This song was chosen mainly because I think Sarah has the look of Kate Bush about her (link). It’s a quirky and bouncy foxtrot - with a nice crisp topline and plenty of Carry On faces - and gives her an excuse to fling her leg up in the air ‘like me and Marie Curie used to do when we were circuit strippers in Montmartre.’ (she says ‘They used to give us a hundred francs an hour to put our clothes back on.’ (She pauses for laughter - what a pro she is).

Coming soon, James has tried in his way to be free, Helen visits da club, and Richard is totally not a murderer, you guys, remember that.
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Old 30-11-2016, 21:44
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James Dean & Aliona Vilani
Waltz - Bird on the Wire - Leonard Cohen

(8, 8, 8, 8) - 32
James keeps the waltz simple but elegant, and mostly classy (except for Aliona chucking in a random floor-spin-and-nutmeg-through-James’-legs for reasons known only unto Aliona) but simultaneously ever so gloomy and woobie (while at the same time seeming to know exactly where the cameras are at all times so he can show just how strong his woobie face is to the nation). He’s a rather fabulous dancer though, with a strong-enough lead and, as Craig mentions, very nice hands. Like a ringer might have.

Helen of Troy & Giovanni Pernice
Salsa - Sexy Bitch - David Guetta feat. Akon

(5, 7, 7, 8) - 27
Helen and Giovanni go full steam ahead on selling sex, sex, sex (because this tactic totally hasn’t crashed and burned for Giovanni before - *cough* Whitmore). It’s frenetic and full of death-defying lifts, but not much hip action has tagged along for the ride, and her face flickers between its two settings of ‘bland smile’ and ‘trout pout’ for the entire evening. Also ‘confused by her own existence’ but that’s to be expected of quasi-mythical princesses.

Richard III & Karen Clifton
Tango - Another One Bites the Dust - Queen

(3, 4, 5, 4) - 16
Richard gets his requisite mass-murdery tango (‘This isn’t me! I probably only killed two children, that’s all!’), and the judges say he has appalling posture, Craig particularly twisting the knife by saying he’s almost... hunchbacked (‘SCOLIOSIS!’). He tries telling Claudia that he’s famous for other things as well, but it turns out that founding the Court of Requests (for poor people who couldn’t afford legal representation) and requiring land sales to be published (by law) sound more impressive on Wikipedia than in real life.

Our final batch includes Sigmund, who wants to wish you a Happy Mother's Day, Karl, who has a manifesto and he's not afraid to use it, and Marilyn, who is turning you all, one by one.
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Old 30-11-2016, 21:54
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Sigmund Freud & Oti Mabuse
Cha-Cha-Cha - Motherlover - The Lonely Island feat. Justin Timberlake

(1, 4, 5, 3) - 13
Happy Mother’s Day, everyone, have this sight for sore eyes! At the risk of playing into their theming, only a mother could love this dance. There’s a lot of arrhythmic pointing and cha-cha staggers (I can’t honestly call them walks), but the crowning glory is that all this overbearing staging is a joke that Sigmund’s not been let in on. He describes himself as ‘einen Sexmachinen’ to Tess afterwards with not one hint of irony (but with Tess, he’s in good company there).

Karl Marx & Natalie Lowe
Foxtrot - Royals - Lorde

(4, 5, 6, 5) - 20
Karl hopes that this dance can bring forth and encapsulate the long-suppressed raging voice of the proletariat in the midst of this televised capitalist affluenza and radicalise the brainwashed opium-riddled viewers at home. Unfortunately, he hopes to achieve this through tacky crown props and a foxtrot, a dance which couldn’t even energise a Duracell bunny. The judges aren’t taken with it, even though Natalie sincerely gasps ‘BUT THERE’S SO MANY AMOYZING LAYERS!’ (except she says LOYYYYYERZZZ)

Marilyn Monroe & Pasha Kovalev
Jive - In the Mood - The Glenn Miller Orchestra

(8, 8, 9, 8) - 33
And finally somebody has a song they knew in their lifetime (for the first and last time this series probably). It’s clean and polished, playful without being manic, relaxed without... well, looking like Holly Valance, and because it’s Marilyn Monroe, it’s that sweet spot between ditzy and knowingly sexy. She coos a bit at the judges, and in that moment I swear Bruno’s on the turn (who am I kidding, it’s a conventionally attractive leggy young woman, he’s always on the turn for them).

And let's see how our final leaderboard stacks up...
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Old 30-11-2016, 22:00
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WEEK 1 LEADERBOARD
Marilyn Monroe & Pasha Kovalev - 33
James Dean & Aliona Vilani - 32
Lady Macbeth & Brendan Cole - 30
Sarah Bernhardt & Trent Whiddon - 30
Helen of Troy & Giovanni Pernice - 27
Jack Kerouac & Iveta Lukosiute - 26
Eleanor of Aquitaine & Aljaž Skorjanec - 24
Alexander the Great & Kristina Rihanoff - 20
Karl Marx & Natalie Lowe - 20
Coco Chanel & Kevin Clifton - 18
Richard III & Karen Clifton - 16
Sigmund Freud & Oti Mabuse - 13

And now, in what could be a very ill-advised move, I invite you to come see behind-the-scenes at the Strictly bar for the first instalment of... STRICTLY: Step Backstage In Time!
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Old 30-11-2016, 22:04
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BACKSTAGE PASS

The two celebrities at the top of the leaderboard (who have something of a history already), James Dean and Marilyn Monroe have a Mexican stand-off over the nibbles table, where they just keep repeating the other's name in increasingly dramatic tones until a runner hidden under the table gives them each a kick in the shins. James sees Marilyn’s hand quietly wavering over a bowl of Twiglets, so he makes a caustic comment about their saturated fat content. She retaliates by telling him she knows the exact date of his death. He scowls, snatches up all the bowls of crisps, and tips them all in the bin to her annoyance, chucking the bitesize hamburgers away too for good measure (‘Dammit James, you know I love my big beef and cheddar!’ *).

* Anyone who gets this reference gets brownie points

Sarah Bernhardt, meanwhile, has been cornered by Sigmund Freud, who is telling her all about how devoted a fan he is, he even has a picture of her in his waiting room, oh yes he does (Historical Fact: he actually did, I only put these two in the same series by coincidence). His complete refusal to obey the rules of personal space and his general hand-related behaviour means Sarah is sufficiently creeped out. Also he sniffs her hair when she’s not looking.

In another corner, our two Shakespearean characters forget that they’re based on real life historical figures altogether and lapse into their fictional depictions. Richard III sees another consummate schemer in Lady Macbeth, and quietly proposes an alliance, to get shot of the rest of these egomaniacs so the crown (/plastic trophy) will be theirs (‘Well, one of ours.’). Lady M wrinkles her nose at this - as Richard is almost dead bottom of the leaderboard and unlikely to garner any sort of Widdecombe/Balls-style public support - but agrees anyway.

So used to enjoying success (he manages to unsubtly drop his 20-0 battle record into most conversations), Alexander the Great is despondent after his roundly critiqued Cha-Cha-Cha, and so goes running to Eleanor of Aquitaine, who’s the series den mother, and she sets about straightening up his collar, reassuring him that he’s talented and not worthless and nobody meant to hurt him, it’s just that the judges are jealous etc.

At the bar, Jack Kerouac orders a raft of drinks, with Helen of Troy hanging off his arm, and he gradually puts his moves on her. Eventually, he realises she’s almost too dim to be a functioning consenting adult (like, Karen from Mean Girls levels of dim), and decides against it, meaning James - who has no such scruples - swoops in instead and takes Helen... (where? I’ll leave it to your imagination).
All the while, Coco Chanel is hanging off the edge of the bar, trying to flirt with Jack but is just an all-round tipsy mess, slurring her words, so has some difficulty forcing her feminine allure on him. When James also tries to pick her up (for history’s weirdest threesome), she refuses - calling him a little boy, when she wants a big ox of a man (Jack hears this and winces) - but she’s secretly flattered all the same.
Meanwhile, Karl Marx is also at the bar, sitting near everyone else but very much by himself, rabbiting on to nobody in particular about Marxist theory. Jack - the nearest thing this cast has to an intellectual - listens for about thirty seconds before realising he can’t be bothered. Much like me with writing a satisfying ending to this weird tangent screed, so.......... toodles!
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Old 30-11-2016, 22:12
I've Got Class
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You can almost here Aliona salivating over the prospect of doing the Strictly victory hat-trick.

Great first show! James, Marilyn and Lady Macbeth are my favourites so it's nice to see them doing so well.

Step Backstage In Time is a great addition.
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Old 30-11-2016, 22:56
captain_cherub
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You can almost here Aliona salivating over the prospect of doing the Strictly victory hat-trick.

Great first show! James, Marilyn and Lady Macbeth are my favourites so it's nice to see them doing so well.

Step Backstage In Time is a great addition.
Thank you I'm a bit sad we never got Aliona, Kristina and Oti all having glitterball contenders in one series. They would've straight up murdered each other. (Although Lady Macbeth is competing in this one, so murdering one's rivals is still very much on the table)
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Old 02-12-2016, 18:30
IzzieStar
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I managed to miss this when I was online yesterday, but it didn't disappoint.

Freud unleashing whatever that was was a particular highlight. I do hope you'll be dragging out that joke for a few more rounds yet.

I'm also anticipating sleep-deprived-new-Mum Kristina teetering ever closer to the edge.
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Old 02-12-2016, 18:35
dancing.queen
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So pleased to see you back with another series after the success of your last one. Very glad that James and Marilyn seem to be the ones to watch early on.

I wonder who will be this series' Victoria Coren Mitchell.
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Old 02-12-2016, 19:22
captain_cherub
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I managed to miss this when I was online yesterday, but it didn't disappoint.

Freud unleashing whatever that was was a particular highlight. I do hope you'll be dragging out that joke for a few more rounds yet.

I'm also anticipating sleep-deprived-new-Mum Kristina teetering ever closer to the edge.
Oh, don't worry, I'm very good at dragging out jokes until everybody's sick of them. (Not the last maternally-themed dance I've got planned for Freud, by the way)

So pleased to see you back with another series after the success of your last one. Very glad that James and Marilyn seem to be the ones to watch early on.

I wonder who will be this series' Victoria Coren Mitchell.
I don't think there will ever be another Victoria Coren Mitchell, either in a fantasy Strictly series or in real life for all eternity.

And thank you both
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Old 02-12-2016, 20:04
captain_cherub
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I feel like posting another week of this tonight, including the first elimination and all that juicy backstage action (Which snacks will James steal from Marilyn this time around? Is Jack Kerouac in fact welded to the bar? Will something actually happen this week?)

Artists tonight include Bette Midler, Blondie, Chaka Khan... and Lady Macbeth dancing to Jason Derulo.
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