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Is it selfish to get married abroad? |
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#1 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
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Is it selfish to get married abroad?
What do you think?
OH and I have been invited to his best friend's wedding. It's in Cyprus, although neither the bride and groom have any links to the place. OH really wants to go, even though we can't afford it, and he can't say no anyway as it's his best buddy. I don't want to go at all but that's not an option as it would be seen as a snub, and OH has always been my plus one for things so it would be unfair. But I'm already worrying about how we're going to pay for all this - it will be hundreds of pounds for flights, hotels, food, and that's before you even start on the outfits, gift, drinks etc. I resent having to get into debt, using my annual leave and having to cut our own holiday plans short to go somewhere I've no particular interest in, for people I don't even know that well. Now, I know in the UK a wedding is all about the bride and groom and what they want. But in my culture (I'm not from here) it's ALL about the guests i.e. treating friends and family to a great party and you don't let them pay for anything at all. The idea of doing anything that would put them out of pocket or inconvenience them would be very frowned upon. Well, anyway I know it's not like that here and it wouldn't be a problem if we were rich, but we're not! |
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#2 |
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Brackley, UK
Posts: 16,654
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Quote:
What do you think?
... But I'm already worrying about how we're going to pay for all this But if they feel snubbed then they aren't a friend and you're probably better off out of it. |
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#3 |
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 21,747
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my brother got married in florida whilst on holiday, his partner's parents were there with them
i probably wouldn't have gone to his wedding if it had been in my back garden but i was really annoyed at him because my father who had some health problems wasn't able to attend, i would have paid my dad's fare but he wouldn't have had anyone to look after him so it wasn't an option not that my relationship with my brother could have got much worse but i thought that was a really tacky thing to do |
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#4 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
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Quote:
I think you should stop worrying and just explain to your friend that you can't afford it and don't want to go. If they really are your friend they will understand and will apologise for putting you in this position. If they are a very good friend and have the resources they might even pay for you to go.
But if they feel snubbed then they aren't a friend and you're probably better off out of it. |
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#5 |
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,307
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You and your other half are seeing things very differently and that's difficult. It's reasonable of you to say not to go simply because of your financial situation. If you can't afford to do something then you don't do it. If your OH can't agree and is willing to go into debt then I think it's his responsibility to manage that debt so it doesn't have an impact on you or your relationship. If he can't do that then you could suggest either he goes by himself or maybe the two of you aren't actually compatible.
You could also look at some sort of compromise. How about suggesting meeting up with the happy couple once they return to the UK and taking them out for a celebratory meal. Unfortunately you weren't able to go to the wedding however you want to congratulate them and celebrate their marriage and treat them to a great meal. |
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#6 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Milton Keynes
Posts: 5,185
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If a couple want to get married abroad for whatever reason, that's fine, but expecting friends and family to be able to attend I see as selfish. If it was a case of "we're getting married abroad and if you can we'd love you to attend" that would be ok. I know if it was me I wouldn't be able to afford it at all so I wouldn't be able to go. I would hope my friend or family member would understand that.
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#7 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: London
Posts: 598
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Quote:
What do you think?
OH and I have been invited to his best friend's wedding. It's in Cyprus, although neither the bride and groom have any links to the place. OH really wants to go, even though we can't afford it, and he can't say no anyway as it's his best buddy. I don't want to go at all but that's not an option as it would be seen as a snub, and OH has always been my plus one for things so it would be unfair. But I'm already worrying about how we're going to pay for all this - it will be hundreds of pounds for flights, hotels, food, and that's before you even start on the outfits, gift, drinks etc. I resent having to get into debt, using my annual leave and having to cut our own holiday plans short to go somewhere I've no particular interest in, for people I don't even know that well. Now, I know in the UK a wedding is all about the bride and groom and what they want. But in my culture (I'm not from here) it's ALL about the guests i.e. treating friends and family to a great party and you don't let them pay for anything at all. The idea of doing anything that would put them out of pocket or inconvenience them would be very frowned upon. Well, anyway I know it's not like that here and it wouldn't be a problem if we were rich, but we're not! So no. |
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#8 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: I'm a she not a he.
Posts: 3,192
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Getting married abroad and expecting a full turn out at your wedding is really thoughtless. Apart from the considerable expense, it also means people having to use up their annual leave.
If a couple want to get married abroad, fine. But don't put people under pressure to attend. Maybe have an informal party when you come home, so people don't feel guilty about not going. |
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#9 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: London
Posts: 598
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Quote:
Getting married abroad and expecting a full turn out at your wedding is really thoughtless. Apart from the considerable expense, it also means people having to use up their annual leave.
If a couple want to get married abroad, fine. But don't put people under pressure to attend. Maybe have an informal party when you come home, so people don't feel guilty about not going. |
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#10 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
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Quote:
You and your other half are seeing things very differently and that's difficult. It's reasonable of you to say not to go simply because of your financial situation. If you can't afford to do something then you don't do it. If your OH can't agree and is willing to go into debt then I think it's his responsibility to manage that debt so it doesn't have an impact on you or your relationship. If he can't do that then you could suggest either he goes by himself or maybe the two of you aren't actually compatible.
You could also look at some sort of compromise. How about suggesting meeting up with the happy couple once they return to the UK and taking them out for a celebratory meal. Unfortunately you weren't able to go to the wedding however you want to congratulate them and celebrate their marriage and treat them to a great meal. |
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#11 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 716
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They are not marring you, so it's up to them where the marriage takes place.
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#12 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
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Quote:
Luckily going by the opening post, the only pressure is an invite.
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#13 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Brackley, UK
Posts: 16,654
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Quote:
It's not my friend, it's my OH's friend. He wants to go and keeps saying "it will be fine".
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#14 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: London
Posts: 598
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Quote:
That is enough pressure in itself though. You can't really say no without feeling guilty if it's a close friend or relative.
Essentially, it's not selfish in answer to your question, even though you may be frustrated by their choice. If you decline the invitation, they will take it with good grace and if they don't, why would you want to be friends with them anyway? |
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#15 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New Herrington, Tyne and Wear
Posts: 85
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I feel that the selfish one here is you.
You have said your partner is your plus 1 to these things when it is your invite, just suck it up, its his best buddy, of course he wants to go and you to both have a good time. |
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#16 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: London
Posts: 598
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Quote:
It's not my friend, it's my OH's friend. He wants to go and keeps saying "it will be fine".
If your other concern is about annual leave, then I think that's you being a bit selfish really unless you had plans to visit family or something you haven't seen in a long time. |
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#17 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: I'm a she not a he.
Posts: 3,192
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Quote:
That is enough pressure in itself though. You can't really say no without feeling guilty if it's a close friend or relative.
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#18 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
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Quote:
I feel that the selfish one here is you.
You have said your partner is your plus 1 to these things when it is your invite, just suck it up, its his best buddy, of course he wants to go and you to both have a good time. |
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#19 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: London
Posts: 598
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Quote:
Well, that's what I'm doing. It doesn't change the way I feel about it though.
Be honest about how you feel about it, discuss it. Reach a concensus and understanding you're both happy with; not just one that says it will be fine. |
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#20 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Milton Keynes
Posts: 3,078
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Someone in my family is getting married abroad next year. They've been together for nearly 20 years, have 2 children and just want to go as a family, no fuss and get married somewhere lovely. No-one is invited, not even parents and everyone is completely cool with it. It's their life and their choice.
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#21 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Station Eleven
Posts: 3,474
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It is if you expect others to spend the time and money to attend, possibly using up part of their annual holiday entitlement etc.
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#22 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
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Quote:
I agree. I would hate to have to tell a really close friend or relative that | couldn't attend their wedding. It does put emotional pressure on some people. Obviously if it's a more casual friend, it's different. You can say no without feeling any guilt.
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#23 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: London
Posts: 598
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Quote:
Emotional pressure is exactly it! If a very close friend or relative was getting married abroad then I would do whatever it took to get there. That's what my OH is doing now with his friend, which I totally understand. And I'm under emotional pressure to be there with him (to be fair he would never pressure me. It's more me putting pressure on myself).
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#24 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
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Quote:
Do not just suck it up.
Be honest about how you feel about it, discuss it. Reach a concensus and understanding you're both happy with; not just one that says it will be fine. If it wasn't for the invite we'd have just spent the summer in the UK. |
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#25 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,843
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At the end of the day, weddings, hen parties etc are VERY important to some people, and a lot more casual to others – which goes for both those throwing the wedding and those attending.
What’s not ok is trying to make anyone else attribute the same importance to it as you do. I wouldn’t mind if half my and my OH’s guest list had some reason they couldn’t go, and I certainly wouldn’t want anyone stressing about it. I think it’s fine to throw a foreign wedding if that’s what you want, but you should have the grace to accept that you have no mastery over your friend’s bank accounts. I am trying to take my own advice, having been invited on a foreign hen do which costs £300 just for flights and accommodation for 3 days (well, 2 with rubbish flight times). It’s absolutely fine to do these things, but the inevitable emotional flak that comes with them is absurd. I have been with my boyfriend nine years, so suggesting anyone who doesn’t want to come to what is essentially a party about us isn’t a friend is patently ridiculous. As Sherlock says ‘Two people who already live together have a party and a short holiday!’. |
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