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Is it selfish to get married abroad?


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Old 06-12-2016, 11:02
vintage_girl
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What do you think?
OH and I have been invited to his best friend's wedding. It's in Cyprus, although neither the bride and groom have any links to the place. OH really wants to go, even though we can't afford it, and he can't say no anyway as it's his best buddy. I don't want to go at all but that's not an option as it would be seen as a snub, and OH has always been my plus one for things so it would be unfair.

But I'm already worrying about how we're going to pay for all this - it will be hundreds of pounds for flights, hotels, food, and that's before you even start on the outfits, gift, drinks etc. I resent having to get into debt, using my annual leave and having to cut our own holiday plans short to go somewhere I've no particular interest in, for people I don't even know that well.

Now, I know in the UK a wedding is all about the bride and groom and what they want. But in my culture (I'm not from here) it's ALL about the guests i.e. treating friends and family to a great party and you don't let them pay for anything at all. The idea of doing anything that would put them out of pocket or inconvenience them would be very frowned upon. Well, anyway I know it's not like that here and it wouldn't be a problem if we were rich, but we're not!
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:06
Andrue
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What do you think?
...
But I'm already worrying about how we're going to pay for all this
I think you should stop worrying and just explain to your friend that you can't afford it and don't want to go. If they really are your friend they will understand and will apologise for putting you in this position. If they are a very good friend and have the resources they might even pay for you to go.

But if they feel snubbed then they aren't a friend and you're probably better off out of it.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:10
mimik1uk
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my brother got married in florida whilst on holiday, his partner's parents were there with them

i probably wouldn't have gone to his wedding if it had been in my back garden but i was really annoyed at him because my father who had some health problems wasn't able to attend, i would have paid my dad's fare but he wouldn't have had anyone to look after him so it wasn't an option

not that my relationship with my brother could have got much worse but i thought that was a really tacky thing to do
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:10
vintage_girl
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I think you should stop worrying and just explain to your friend that you can't afford it and don't want to go. If they really are your friend they will understand and will apologise for putting you in this position. If they are a very good friend and have the resources they might even pay for you to go.

But if they feel snubbed then they aren't a friend and you're probably better off out of it.
It's not my friend, it's my OH's friend. He wants to go and keeps saying "it will be fine".
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:19
scottie2121
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You and your other half are seeing things very differently and that's difficult. It's reasonable of you to say not to go simply because of your financial situation. If you can't afford to do something then you don't do it. If your OH can't agree and is willing to go into debt then I think it's his responsibility to manage that debt so it doesn't have an impact on you or your relationship. If he can't do that then you could suggest either he goes by himself or maybe the two of you aren't actually compatible.

You could also look at some sort of compromise. How about suggesting meeting up with the happy couple once they return to the UK and taking them out for a celebratory meal. Unfortunately you weren't able to go to the wedding however you want to congratulate them and celebrate their marriage and treat them to a great meal.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:19
rumpleteazer
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If a couple want to get married abroad for whatever reason, that's fine, but expecting friends and family to be able to attend I see as selfish. If it was a case of "we're getting married abroad and if you can we'd love you to attend" that would be ok. I know if it was me I wouldn't be able to afford it at all so I wouldn't be able to go. I would hope my friend or family member would understand that.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:21
Harvey_Specter
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What do you think?
OH and I have been invited to his best friend's wedding. It's in Cyprus, although neither the bride and groom have any links to the place. OH really wants to go, even though we can't afford it, and he can't say no anyway as it's his best buddy. I don't want to go at all but that's not an option as it would be seen as a snub, and OH has always been my plus one for things so it would be unfair.

But I'm already worrying about how we're going to pay for all this - it will be hundreds of pounds for flights, hotels, food, and that's before you even start on the outfits, gift, drinks etc. I resent having to get into debt, using my annual leave and having to cut our own holiday plans short to go somewhere I've no particular interest in, for people I don't even know that well.

Now, I know in the UK a wedding is all about the bride and groom and what they want. But in my culture (I'm not from here) it's ALL about the guests i.e. treating friends and family to a great party and you don't let them pay for anything at all. The idea of doing anything that would put them out of pocket or inconvenience them would be very frowned upon. Well, anyway I know it's not like that here and it wouldn't be a problem if we were rich, but we're not!
It's their wedding.

So no.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:29
Swanandduck2
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Getting married abroad and expecting a full turn out at your wedding is really thoughtless. Apart from the considerable expense, it also means people having to use up their annual leave.

If a couple want to get married abroad, fine. But don't put people under pressure to attend. Maybe have an informal party when you come home, so people don't feel guilty about not going.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:32
Harvey_Specter
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Getting married abroad and expecting a full turn out at your wedding is really thoughtless. Apart from the considerable expense, it also means people having to use up their annual leave.

If a couple want to get married abroad, fine. But don't put people under pressure to attend. Maybe have an informal party when you come home, so people don't feel guilty about not going.
Luckily going by the opening post, the only pressure is an invite.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:33
vintage_girl
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You and your other half are seeing things very differently and that's difficult. It's reasonable of you to say not to go simply because of your financial situation. If you can't afford to do something then you don't do it. If your OH can't agree and is willing to go into debt then I think it's his responsibility to manage that debt so it doesn't have an impact on you or your relationship. If he can't do that then you could suggest either he goes by himself or maybe the two of you aren't actually compatible.

You could also look at some sort of compromise. How about suggesting meeting up with the happy couple once they return to the UK and taking them out for a celebratory meal. Unfortunately you weren't able to go to the wedding however you want to congratulate them and celebrate their marriage and treat them to a great meal.
We have different attitudes to money, yes. I'm a saver and don't like using overdrafts or credit cards unless absolutely necessary, whereas he spends now and thinks about it later (although he has got a bit better recently). That's why we'll never have a joint account! We're compatible in every other way though, and he is so lovely and makes so much effort with all of my family and friends so I would feel guilty if I refused to go. The taking them out for a celebratory meal is a good idea though, may consider it. He suggested making Cyprus our annual holiday, which is also a good idea. It would mean less time for me to go back to my country to see my family though. Argh. So much to think about!
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:33
Aetius_Maralas
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They are not marring you, so it's up to them where the marriage takes place.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:35
vintage_girl
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Luckily going by the opening post, the only pressure is an invite.
That is enough pressure in itself though. You can't really say no without feeling guilty if it's a close friend or relative.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:43
Andrue
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It's not my friend, it's my OH's friend. He wants to go and keeps saying "it will be fine".
Oops, sorry, yes. In that case I'd go with scottie2121's suggestion. Good luck in discussing it with your partner.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:45
Harvey_Specter
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That is enough pressure in itself though. You can't really say no without feeling guilty if it's a close friend or relative.
Feeling guilty is a normal response. It's not disproportionate or irrational, but it does not mean that invite has put you under any undue pressure.

Essentially, it's not selfish in answer to your question, even though you may be frustrated by their choice. If you decline the invitation, they will take it with good grace and if they don't, why would you want to be friends with them anyway?
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:46
davo1980
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I feel that the selfish one here is you.

You have said your partner is your plus 1 to these things when it is your invite, just suck it up, its his best buddy, of course he wants to go and you to both have a good time.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:46
Harvey_Specter
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It's not my friend, it's my OH's friend. He wants to go and keeps saying "it will be fine".
If he says he wants to go and keeps saying it will be fine, be honest about your concern over cost. If he pays for you, all good.

If your other concern is about annual leave, then I think that's you being a bit selfish really unless you had plans to visit family or something you haven't seen in a long time.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:51
Swanandduck2
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That is enough pressure in itself though. You can't really say no without feeling guilty if it's a close friend or relative.
I agree. I would hate to have to tell a really close friend or relative that | couldn't attend their wedding. It does put emotional pressure on some people. Obviously if it's a more casual friend, it's different. You can say no without feeling any guilt.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:51
vintage_girl
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I feel that the selfish one here is you.

You have said your partner is your plus 1 to these things when it is your invite, just suck it up, its his best buddy, of course he wants to go and you to both have a good time.
Well, that's what I'm doing. It doesn't change the way I feel about it though.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:55
Harvey_Specter
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Well, that's what I'm doing. It doesn't change the way I feel about it though.
Do not just suck it up.

Be honest about how you feel about it, discuss it. Reach a concensus and understanding you're both happy with; not just one that says it will be fine.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:56
Bedlam_maid
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Someone in my family is getting married abroad next year. They've been together for nearly 20 years, have 2 children and just want to go as a family, no fuss and get married somewhere lovely. No-one is invited, not even parents and everyone is completely cool with it. It's their life and their choice.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:57
shaddler
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It is if you expect others to spend the time and money to attend, possibly using up part of their annual holiday entitlement etc.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:57
vintage_girl
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I agree. I would hate to have to tell a really close friend or relative that | couldn't attend their wedding. It does put emotional pressure on some people. Obviously if it's a more casual friend, it's different. You can say no without feeling any guilt.
Emotional pressure is exactly it! If a very close friend or relative was getting married abroad then I would do whatever it took to get there. That's what my OH is doing now with his friend, which I totally understand. And I'm under emotional pressure to be there with him (to be fair he would never pressure me. It's more me putting pressure on myself).
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Old 06-12-2016, 12:00
Harvey_Specter
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Emotional pressure is exactly it! If a very close friend or relative was getting married abroad then I would do whatever it took to get there. That's what my OH is doing now with his friend, which I totally understand. And I'm under emotional pressure to be there with him (to be fair he would never pressure me. It's more me putting pressure on myself).
If it's you putting pressure on yourself, then that's even more reason why it's not them being selfish.
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Old 06-12-2016, 12:04
vintage_girl
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Do not just suck it up.

Be honest about how you feel about it, discuss it. Reach a concensus and understanding you're both happy with; not just one that says it will be fine.
So far the consensus is we go to the wedding and make it our annual holiday, then go to my home country (which is nearby so we might as well) for a bit and spend some time with my family. That's as fair as we can make it, but it still means spending lots of money.
If it wasn't for the invite we'd have just spent the summer in the UK.
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Old 06-12-2016, 12:04
thefairydandy
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At the end of the day, weddings, hen parties etc are VERY important to some people, and a lot more casual to others – which goes for both those throwing the wedding and those attending.

What’s not ok is trying to make anyone else attribute the same importance to it as you do.

I wouldn’t mind if half my and my OH’s guest list had some reason they couldn’t go, and I certainly wouldn’t want anyone stressing about it. I think it’s fine to throw a foreign wedding if that’s what you want, but you should have the grace to accept that you have no mastery over your friend’s bank accounts.

I am trying to take my own advice, having been invited on a foreign hen do which costs £300 just for flights and accommodation for 3 days (well, 2 with rubbish flight times). It’s absolutely fine to do these things, but the inevitable emotional flak that comes with them is absurd.

I have been with my boyfriend nine years, so suggesting anyone who doesn’t want to come to what is essentially a party about us isn’t a friend is patently ridiculous. As Sherlock says
‘Two people who already live together have a party and a short holiday!’.
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