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Is it selfish to get married abroad?
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Harvey_Specter
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by vintage_girl:
“So far the consensus is we go to the wedding and make it our annual holiday, then go to my home country (which is nearby so we might as well) for a bit and spend some time with my family. That's as fair as we can make it, but it still means spending lots of money.
If it wasn't for the invite we'd have just spent the summer in the UK.”

To be honest that sounds like a fair compromise.

But, how do you feel about that? Will it put you in uncomfortable debt, any debt? No debt? Savings dwindled you need/want for something else?

All considerations to have a real concensus. When do you need to book this by?
vintage_girl
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by Harvey_Specter:
“If it's you putting pressure on yourself, then that's even more reason why it's not them being selfish.”

But that's exactly my point, an invite to a destination wedding makes people guests pressure on themselves! They don't want to say no if they're close to the couple so they do whatever it takes to be there, even if it's expensive and inconvenient. If I ever get married I would hate to put my nearest and dearest in that position.
Harvey_Specter
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by vintage_girl:
“But that's exactly my point, an invite to a destination wedding makes people guests pressure on themselves! They don't want to say no if they're close to the couple so they do whatever it takes to be there, even if it's expensive and inconvenient. If I ever get married I would hate to put my nearest and dearest in that position.”

Personally my experience is that it's nearest and dearest you can be as honest and open as you need to be with. If it's not practical for you to be able to go, they'll understand completely and there is no pressure to do so.

Just my point of view.
Flora_McDonald
06-12-2016
If someone wants to get married abroad on their own then have a UK blessing and party afterwards then that's fine.. Otherwise they need to consult their nearest and dearest about their plans and take their views into consideration. Those nearest and dearest would include siblings, parents, grandparents, best friends and anyone they'd like to involve in a role, like the best man, ushers, bridesmaids (and their parents if they are children). Close family and best friends are obviously going to want to share in that special day, and apart from their own desire not to be excluded, they won't want to seem unsupportive by not going. It's already expensive enough to buy special outfits, shoes, presents, travel and possibly overnight hotel costs without taking the thing to an entirely new level and requiring everyone to fly to a different country.

I don't think it's selfish to arrange to get married abroad, if you're planning a blessing and main celebration to take place when you return. I think, however, that it's selfish in the extreme to organise a wedding abroad with a lot of invited guests, unless the important guests were consulted beforehand and the bride and groom are prepared to help finance the travel and hotel costs for those close friends and family who aren't rich.
vintage_girl
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by Harvey_Specter:
“To be honest that sounds like a fair compromise.

But, how do you feel about that? Will it put you in uncomfortable debt, any debt? No debt? Savings dwindled you need/want for something else?

All considerations to have a real concensus. When do you need to book this by?”

It would mean using up what little savings I have and probably putting some stuff on the credit card too. But that's just how it is. If we go, it means a bit of financial hardship. If we don't, it would mean guilt and possibly his friend being offended (all his friends are better off than us, so it's not a problem for them to go).
soulboy77
06-12-2016
As long as the couple give plenty of advanced notice then you can incorporate it into your own holiday plans. Its more difficult if you have already booked next years holiday.

Putting the romance of it aside, many couples have weddings abroad because it works out cheaper combining a ceremony/reception/honeymoon plus the reduced guest list. In fact I'm sure many couples are probably gambling on the fact that most people invited won't be able to make it, thus saving on the guest costs per head.
Harvey_Specter
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by vintage_girl:
“It would mean using up what little savings I have and probably putting some stuff on the credit card too. But that's just how it is. If we go, it means a bit of financial hardship. If we don't, it would mean guilt and possibly his friend being offended (all his friends are better off than us, so it's not a problem for them to go).”

How long have you and your partner been together?
vintage_girl
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by Harvey_Specter:
“How long have you and your partner been together?”

2 years...
Harvey_Specter
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by vintage_girl:
“2 years...”

Ah not long.

If you can't afford it (your decision not his) then don't go.
dearmrman
06-12-2016
Personally I wouldn't go, and let the OH go on his own...but then again I wouldn't waste my annual leave or my money going to Cyprus.
coughthecat
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by Harvey_Specter:
“Luckily going by the opening post, the only pressure is an invite.”

Originally Posted by vintage_girl:
“That is enough pressure in itself though. You can't really say no without feeling guilty if it's a close friend or relative.”

Are you suggesting that they shouldn't have invited you?

The only 'issue' here is that you and your partner have different views on whether or not you should go to the wedding.

Sorry, but you seem to be looking to blame the couple for something that's entirely down to you, and suggesting that they're selfish to have their wedding where they want it is frankly ridiculous!

How would you feel if it was your best friend and your partner didn't want to go?
Flora_McDonald
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by Harvey_Specter:
“Personally my experience is that it's nearest and dearest you can be as honest and open as you need to be with. If it's not practical for you to be able to go, they'll understand completely and there is no pressure to do so.

Just my point of view.”

Maybe you are a very assertive person, but loads of fathers go into debt rather than admit to daughters that they cannot afford the fancy weddings which are planned. So they're certainly not going to feel able to turn around and say they cannot afford to attend a daughter's wedding abroad.

Also the original poster is not a family member or a close friend. Her partner is a close friend, so their shared household income and any holiday plans will be adversely affected by her husband's natural desire to attend his best friend's wedding.
soulboy77
06-12-2016
Actually within Europe you could fly out one day and come back the next. A friend had a wedding in Spain last year and that is what most people did. A cheap return flight and and a 3 star hotel for one night.
vintage_girl
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by Harvey_Specter:
“Ah not long.

If you can't afford it (your decision not his) then don't go.”

Long enough to be expected to be his plus 1 though. He's always made the effort to be my plus 1 so it would be unfair. Basically whatever we do won't be ideal, so will just have to suck it up.
Harvey_Specter
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by Flora_McDonald:
“Maybe you are a very assertive person, but loads of fathers go into debt rather than admit to daughters that they cannot afford the fancy weddings which are planned. So they're certainly not going to feel able to turn around and say they cannot afford to attend a daughter's wedding abroad.

Also the original poster is not a family member or a close friend. Her partner is a close friend, so their shared household income and any holiday plans will be adversely affected by her husband's natural desire to attend his best friend's wedding.”

It isnt her husband I don't think. I don't think they even have a joint account, not sure whether they'd considered it shared household income.

Not sure the father daughter paragraph is really relevant here either.
Harvey_Specter
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by vintage_girl:
“Long enough to be expected to be his plus 1 though. He's always made the effort to be my plus 1 so it would be unfair. Basically whatever we do won't be ideal, so will just have to suck it up.”

Has the effort to be your plus one manifested itself into spending around a grand to go to a wedding abroad?
vintage_girl
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by Flora_McDonald:
“Maybe you are a very assertive person, but loads of fathers go into debt rather than admit to daughters that they cannot afford the fancy weddings which are planned. So they're certainly not going to feel able to turn around and say they cannot afford to attend a daughter's wedding abroad.

Also the original poster is not a family member or a close friend. Her partner is a close friend, so their shared household income and any holiday plans will be adversely affected by her husband's natural desire to attend his best friend's wedding.”

This is the thing, you want your relative/friend to have the wedding of their dreams and you wouldn't want to be the one to put a downer on it. Also, it's embarrassing being the only couple out of the friendship circle who can't afford to go. In an ideal world you'd be able to discuss it with the B&G but it doesn't always work out like that....
Flora_McDonald
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by soulboy77:
“Actually within Europe you could fly out one day and come back the next. A friend had a wedding in Spain last year and that is what most people did. A cheap return flight and and a 3 star hotel for one night.”

That's fine if you live near an airport which offers cheap flights. Friends of mine went to Spain two years ago and in order to afford the travel for themselves and their two children they drove their car down to Manchester, incurring petrol costs, and stayed overnight in an airport hotel, left their car in the hotel car park for the week, flew to Spain for the holiday, then on the return stayed over another night in the airport hotel before driving home, with additional petrol costs. That was cheaper than flying from Scotland on any of the budget airlines.
Harvey_Specter
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by vintage_girl:
“This is the thing, you want your relative/friend to have the wedding of their dreams and you wouldn't want to be the one to put a downer on it. Also, it's embarrassing being the only couple out of the friendship circle who can't afford to go. In an ideal world you'd be able to discuss it with the B&G but it doesn't always work out like that....”

Think you need to get your priorities in order young lady lol.

But yeah, look, you've made up your mind that you're going, so just save extra hard for as many months until the wedding and enjoy.
Pumping Iron
06-12-2016
It's not selfish for a couple to get married where they want to, but at the sametime they should realise that some folk are skint and won't be able to make it.
vintage_girl
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by Harvey_Specter:
“Has the effort to be your plus one manifested itself into spending around a grand to go to a wedding abroad?”

No, but he has travelled to my country before to be introduced to my family. I'm sure he would've preferred to spend his money and time on other things. That's why I can't really decline to go.
blueisthecolour
06-12-2016
I personally believe that a couple's should get married however they want and that family and friends should be entirely optional to proceedings. If they can make it great, if they can't it's not a massive issue. If you truly care about someone then your only concern should be their happiness, not whether you got invited to a sit down meal at an affordable cost and convenient time.

I'm not sure there's too much chance of me getting married any time soon - but if I did it would be on the understanding that it was done in the most low key way possible.
Clanroyden
06-12-2016
How selfish is it to arrange a wedding in France, all the guests arrive staying in hotels at their own expense and then call off the wedding at the last minute? This happened to my daughter who had to save up for ages to go to a friend's wedding.
Harvey_Specter
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by vintage_girl:
“No, but he has travelled to my country before to be introduced to my family. I'm sure he would've preferred to spend his money and time on other things. That's why I can't really decline to go.”

Well that's an entirely different situation, but as I say, you've made up your mind, so instead of worrying about whether it's selfish, just get on with saving and finding the best way to minimise expense and enjoy yourselves.
Swanandduck2
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by soulboy77:
“As long as the couple give plenty of advanced notice then you can incorporate it into your own holiday plans. Its more difficult if you have already booked next years holiday.

Putting the romance of it aside, many couples have weddings abroad because it works out cheaper combining a ceremony/reception/honeymoon plus the reduced guest list. In fact I'm sure many couples are probably gambling on the fact that most people invited won't be able to make it, thus saving on the guest costs per head.”

Cheaper for them, but not for the people eg siblings, who feel obliged to attend. Also, in relation to your earlier point, people might not want to spend their holidays in whatever destination has been chosen for the wedding. Or it may be beyond their normal holiday budget.
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