DS Forums

 
 

Is it selfish to get married abroad?


Reply
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 06-12-2016, 12:39
vintage_girl
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
Think you need to get your priorities in order young lady lol.

But yeah, look, you've made up your mind that you're going, so just save extra hard for as many months until the wedding and enjoy.
Haha how do you know I'm a young lady, I could be 40 Yeah that's what I'll have to do. I'm sure it will actually be an enjoyable holiday. Just need to win the lottery somehow! It's been interesting reading all the responses though, it's good to get other points of view!
vintage_girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Please sign in or register to remove this advertisement.
Old 06-12-2016, 12:40
Harvey_Specter
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: London
Posts: 602
How selfish is it to arrange a wedding in France, all the guests arrive staying in hotels at their own expense and then call off the wedding at the last minute? This happened to my daughter who had to save up for ages to go to a friend's wedding.
That's not selfish either, it's just extremely unfortunate.

What did you want them to do, get married and then divorced just to keep your daughter happy lol.
Harvey_Specter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 12:41
vintage_girl
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
Personally I wouldn't go, and let the OH go on his own...but then again I wouldn't waste my annual leave or my money going to Cyprus.
Why not, is it not good? It wouldn't have been my first choice but I hear the nightlife is good...
vintage_girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 12:41
Flora_McDonald
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 780
This is the thing, you want your relative/friend to have the wedding of their dreams and you wouldn't want to be the one to put a downer on it. Also, it's embarrassing being the only couple out of the friendship circle who can't afford to go. In an ideal world you'd be able to discuss it with the B&G but it doesn't always work out like that....
I understand your feelings entirely. I hope that your partner understands your position, because that will help. With luck, he'll agree with you. My partner and I would probably feel torn if we were invited to a very expensive foreign place which didn't appeal to us. That said, Cyprus is a beautiful country.. It has wonderful Roman ruins - spectacular mosaics, amphitheatre, Roman stadium, temple ruins, lovely scenery and amazing ancient painted churches in the Troodos mountains. Many of these places are very quiet and atmospheric and with a bit of planning and reading, you could have a really lovely time.

Good luck with it all.
Flora_McDonald is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 12:42
Harvey_Specter
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: London
Posts: 602
Haha how do you know I'm a young lady, I could be 40 Yeah that's what I'll have to do. I'm sure it will actually be an enjoyable holiday. Just need to win the lottery somehow! It's been interesting reading all the responses though, it's good to get other points of view!
Just a guess.
Harvey_Specter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 12:53
vintage_girl
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
Are you suggesting that they shouldn't have invited you?

The only 'issue' here is that you and your partner have different views on whether or not you should go to the wedding.

Sorry, but you seem to be looking to blame the couple for something that's entirely down to you, and suggesting that they're selfish to have their wedding where they want it is frankly ridiculous!

How would you feel if it was your best friend and your partner didn't want to go?
I just don't understand why people feel the need to get married in random countries, when all their family and friends live in the UK. You can go abroad on the honeymoon, that's what it's for! I know it's THEIR wedding, and it would be all about them if they were eloping, but as soon as you invite other people it's no longer just about you. You're placing an expectation on people to find the money and the time to attend, and sometimes saying no just isn't a good option, which creates stress. Personally I would hate to put my friends and family in that situation.
It's not that I don't want to go as such, I would be fine with going to a one day event in the UK but this is going to be at least a few days and several hundred quid for a holiday I don't particularly want to go on.
vintage_girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 12:57
Flora_McDonald
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 780
No, but he has travelled to my country before to be introduced to my family. I'm sure he would've preferred to spend his money and time on other things. That's why I can't really decline to go.
To be honest, I think travelling to your homeland and meeting your family is a very different issue from going to this wedding. If you can't afford it and would prefer not to go, he will understand. He'll know plenty of the other people, so you might end up feeling a bit left out anyway if you go.

The brother of a friend of mine got married in Malta last year (his bride is Maltese). About half of his UK family and friends couldn't manage to go because of inability to get time off work, infirmity, etc. My friend went to the wedding, but her husband, who was supposed to be the best man, didn't go because the date clashed with a previously booked golfing holiday. No-one minded: someone else was best man: the wedding was fantastic and my friend had a great time with the rest of the family and friends who'd managed to go.

Don't stretch your finances and do this out of a sense of obligation. You already have additional travel costs in retaining links with your own family.. and you need to keep a certain amount of money in reserve in case anything unexpected happens to one of them and you have to go home suddenly. An Australian friend of mine was working in the UK when her mother in Australia had a heart attack, and almost died. My friend had to buy a ticket on the next flight to Australia and she got unpaid leave of absence from work to look after her mother for as long as required.

There are many more important ways to show loyalty for your partner.
Flora_McDonald is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 13:00
Harvey_Specter
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: London
Posts: 602
I just don't understand why people feel the need to get married in random countries, when all their family and friends live in the UK. You can go abroad on the honeymoon, that's what it's for! I know it's THEIR wedding, and it would be all about them if they were eloping, but as soon as you invite other people it's no longer just about you. You're placing an expectation on people to find the money and the time to attend, and sometimes saying no just isn't a good option, which creates stress. Personally I would hate to put my friends and family in that situation.
It's not that I don't want to go as such, I would be fine with going to a one day event in the UK but this is going to be at least a few days and several hundred quid for a holiday I don't particularly want to go on.
Another reason you shouldn't feel bad if you don't want to go is that people get married abroad specifically so that less people can attend to keep their costs down.

So don't feel pressure to go as really they probably don't want you to....
Harvey_Specter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 13:03
vintage_girl
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
I understand your feelings entirely. I hope that your partner understands your position, because that will help. With luck, he'll agree with you. My partner and I would probably feel torn if we were invited to a very expensive foreign place which didn't appeal to us. That said, Cyprus is a beautiful country.. It has wonderful Roman ruins - spectacular mosaics, amphitheatre, Roman stadium, temple ruins, lovely scenery and amazing ancient painted churches in the Troodos mountains. Many of these places are very quiet and atmospheric and with a bit of planning and reading, you could have a really lovely time.

Good luck with it all.
Aw thanks! I'm sure we'll have a good time. Also to be clear, I wasn't having a go at the B&G at all, they're lovely people but I just dislike the idea of weddings abroad in principle (unless you have links to the country in question) and wondered if I was the only one feeling that way.
vintage_girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 13:03
wench
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 7,367
A wedding in the UK can be just as costly as a wedding abroad, if its not local to you then you may also need to book hotels, travel and book time off too.

Therefore I don't see it as selfish for the bride and groom to have their wedding wherever they want to have it.

If you expect your OH to join you when you need a plus one then its only fair you reciprocate, otherwise you are being the selfish one.
Saying that, if your OH knows you have a tight budget then he should help pay for your costs if he wants you to join him.

Although one thing I would say is that if you do go then please drop the resentful attitude towards the bride and groom, it may not be in your culture to do the same, but it is their culture to marry where they want to so don't ruin their day by making it obvious that you resent being there, now that would be selfish.
wench is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 13:05
Swanandduck2
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: I'm a she not a he.
Posts: 3,192
Another reason you shouldn't feel bad if you don't want to go is that people get married abroad specifically so that less people can attend to keep their costs down.

So don't feel pressure to go as really they probably don't want you to....
That used to be the reason. But I don't think it's always the case nowadays. I think some people just like the idea of getting married on a beach in Barbados, or in a little Italian village or whatever, but still want a normal sized wedding and get hurt and upset if a lot of people decline the invitation.
Swanandduck2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 13:10
Porcupine
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Suffolk
Posts: 21,390
If a close member of my family married abroad I wouldn't go. I haven't got a passport anymore and I certainly wouldn't pay to have it renewed just to go to a wedding.
Porcupine is offline Follow this poster on Twitter   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 13:16
eluf38
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,335
It isn't selfish to get married abroad. Some people do it (as our friends did) because a traditional wedding in Britain would mean family conflict, and they just want a peaceful day as a couple. Others do it because standing on a beach seems nicer than a wet marquee in March.

What is selfish is making others who can't or don't want to attend feel uncomfortable. Our friends did seem slightly surprised when we explained that we weren't going to fork our £3000 to join them in Thailand for their wedding. (In the end only one other couple went, out of dozens of family and friends.) But they never moaned or tried to put pressure on us. People who arrange expensive foreign celebrations (including hen / stag dos!) and then complain about a lack of attendance aren't real friends anyway, and I wouldn't be bothered about disappointing them!

But OP, it doesn't seem as though the bride and groom have done or said anything selfish. Your OH wants to go and you don't really see the point - I understand that. I was the same with the Euro tournament at the start of this year. I'd never choose to go and watch football ! But it meant a lot to my husband and our Thailand couple, so I went along, babysat the children when the match was on and made the best of our time in France. I enjoyed it for totally different reasons to him. I wouldn't choose to do it again (not with a young child anyway!) but we compromised and made sure it was a holiday for me, as well as a trip to see a football match. I think your plan to turn it into a holiday for both of you is a good one.
eluf38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 13:19
SaturnV
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,623
Another reason you shouldn't feel bad if you don't want to go is that people get married abroad specifically so that less people can attend to keep their costs down.

So don't feel pressure to go as really they probably don't want you to....
My sister and son both got married abroad, cheaper for them to combine holiday and wedding, win-win. Guests pay to go to a wedding and also for a holiday they didn't choose, lose-lose.
I didn't go to either as couldn't afford even a normal holiday.
SaturnV is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 13:27
Susie_Smith
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 676
Isn't there any way you can just enjoy it? Do you hate weddings in general? You never know, you might love it there.

A couple of girls I know were asked to be bridesmaids a while ago. Apparently they hate the whole wedding thing and spent the whole time moaning behind the bride's back. I thought it was incredibly bitchy and do not understand why they could not have just been honest from the start.

So I think you should either get into the spirit of it and enjoy a little adventure abroad or tell everyone now you are really sorry but you are not going to be able to get involved as money is tight. If they judge you, that's their problem. The main thing is that you are honest.
Susie_Smith is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 13:29
vintage_girl
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
A wedding in the UK can be just as costly as a wedding abroad, if its not local to you then you may also need to book hotels, travel and book time off too.

Therefore I don't see it as selfish for the bride and groom to have their wedding wherever they want to have it.

If you expect your OH to join you when you need a plus one then its only fair you reciprocate, otherwise you are being the selfish one.
Saying that, if your OH knows you have a tight budget then he should help pay for your costs if he wants you to join him.

Although one thing I would say is that if you do go then please drop the resentful attitude towards the bride and groom, it may not be in your culture to do the same, but it is their culture to marry where they want to so don't ruin their day by making it obvious that you resent being there, now that would be selfish.
Oh no I would never do that, I'm not a total d!@k. I don't resent them, just the tradition of modern weddings that cost a fortune to both host and attend. But, all of that is just in my own head (and on DS haha), I wouldn't ever let is show at someone's wedding!
vintage_girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 13:44
vintage_girl
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
Isn't there any way you can just enjoy it? Do you hate weddings in general? You never know, you might love it there.

A couple of girls I know were asked to be bridesmaids a while ago. Apparently they hate the whole wedding thing and spent the whole time moaning behind the bride's back. I thought it was incredibly bitchy and do not understand why they could not have just been honest from the start.

So I think you should either get into the spirit of it and enjoy a little adventure abroad or tell everyone now you are really sorry but you are not going to be able to get involved as money is tight. If they judge you, that's their problem. The main thing is that you are honest.
I don't particularly like weddings, but I go to them because I know they mean a lot to the bride and groom, and if it's ever my turn to get married I'd want my nearest and dearest to attend. I just hate what weddings have become - it seems they're getting more and more lavish and expensive, it's all about putting on a show and the wedding industry is getting out of control. I know you don't *have* to do all that, you can in theory have a simple ceremony in a registry office and a reception in the pub, but in reality when everyone else is having big massive do's in castles you feel like you have to keep up with that.

I understand why those bridesmaids hate the whole wedding thing, but if it were me I'd keep my feelings to myself and either suck it up and do the bridesmaid thing or just decline in the first place. Mind you, it's easier said than done. I need to heed my own advice! I think I will just go to this wedding and pretend to myself that I've always wanted to go to Cyprus. I'm sure when it comes to it I will enjoy it. To be honest dealing with the credit card debt will be less hassle than dealing with the relationship and friendship politics and emotional fall-out if I decline to go.
vintage_girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 13:49
Flora_McDonald
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 780
A wedding in the UK can be just as costly as a wedding abroad, if its not local to you then you may also need to book hotels, travel and book time off too.

Therefore I don't see it as selfish for the bride and groom to have their wedding wherever they want to have it.

If you expect your OH to join you when you need a plus one then its only fair you reciprocate, otherwise you are being the selfish one.
Saying that, if your OH knows you have a tight budget then he should help pay for your costs if he wants you to join him.

Although one thing I would say is that if you do go then please drop the resentful attitude towards the bride and groom, it may not be in your culture to do the same, but it is their culture to marry where they want to so don't ruin their day by making it obvious that you resent being there, now that would be selfish.
I don't think it is selfish if she chooses not to go. . She hasn't asked her partner to go to some random foreign destination as a "plus one". She has taken him to stay with family and friends, where he no doubt enjoyed a free holiday with most of his meals included, staying with local people and getting the opportunity to enjoy an authentic cultural experience.
Flora_McDonald is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 14:28
thefairydandy
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,847
I understand why those bridesmaids hate the whole wedding thing, but if it were me I'd keep my feelings to myself and either suck it up and do the bridesmaid thing or just decline in the first place. Mind you, it's easier said than done. I need to heed my own advice! I think I will just go to this wedding and pretend to myself that I've always wanted to go to Cyprus. I'm sure when it comes to it I will enjoy it. To be honest dealing with the credit card debt will be less hassle than dealing with the relationship and friendship politics and emotional fall-out if I decline to go.

The second wedding I went to as an adult I was bridesmaid for my sister, and she was so laid back about the whole thing I honestly wouldn't have had a clue about all the stuff other people expect or want of their bridesmaids.

All she asked me to do was submit my measurements for a dress and pick the shape from a website (all bridesmaids same colour, different styles), and show up and wear it on the day. I did make her wedding cake, but that was voluntary (she had half a dozen home made ones to suit different dietary requirements), and I offered to make a registry for people who didn't want to donate to charity as they suggested.

It's only recently that I've realised what faff bridesmaids are expected to go through to help (and to be fair, they probably enjoy going through). Though maybe as I'm an event planner anyway I don't expect I'll need any more help than them turning up in dresses.
thefairydandy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 14:57
BBWorldWideFan
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Purgatorium
Posts: 17,627
If and when I get married I want the actual ceremony to be done on a beach abroad, with only immediate relatives I.E parents and mabye best friends too. I don't want some big ceremony where I have to fill numbers with people who I don't even like
BBWorldWideFan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 15:04
Asarualim
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 2,572
I don't particularly like weddings, but I go to them because I know they mean a lot to the bride and groom, and if it's ever my turn to get married I'd want my nearest and dearest to attend. I just hate what weddings have become - it seems they're getting more and more lavish and expensive, it's all about putting on a show and the wedding industry is getting out of control. I know you don't *have* to do all that, you can in theory have a simple ceremony in a registry office and a reception in the pub, but in reality when everyone else is having big massive do's in castles you feel like you have to keep up with that.
More fool you, or anyone else, who thinks they have to keep up with anything or anyone. People should have the wedding they want, not the one they think you should have. And if anyone judges them for that then their opinion isn't worth listening to.
Asarualim is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 17:00
killjoy
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 3,595
I don't see the problem, just say money is tight and let OH go by himself.
killjoy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 17:07
sorcha_healy27
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 68,941
If and when I get married I want the actual ceremony to be done on a beach abroad, with only immediate relatives I.E parents and mabye best friends too. I don't want some big ceremony where I have to fill numbers with people who I don't even like
I agree. That's what I'd like too. My sister married in Italy and there was only immediate family plus plus ones. It was amazing
sorcha_healy27 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 17:17
SegaGamer
Forum Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 19,601
I feel that the selfish one here is you.

You have said your partner is your plus 1 to these things when it is your invite, just suck it up, its his best buddy, of course he wants to go and you to both have a good time.
How do you work out that OP is being selfish ? It would be incredibly stupid to put yourself into debt just so you can attend somebody else's wedding.
SegaGamer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2016, 17:46
coughthecat
Forum Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Back after a much-needed break
Posts: 6,406
How do you work out that OP is being selfish ? It would be incredibly stupid to put yourself into debt just so you can attend somebody else's wedding.
In my opinion the OP's attitude is selfish because she seems to imagine that the couple in question should organise their wedding to suit what she wants.

The only issue is between the OP and her partner, so if it had simply been a case of "We've been invited to a wedding in Cyprus and my partner wants to go but I don't think we can afford it", that would be fine.

However, the suggestion is that the couple are somehow to blame and 'justifications' are being trotted out to reinforce that.

For example ... "neither the bride and groom have any links to the place".

Yeah. So what? If a couple wants to get married in Las Vegas, Paris, Venice, the Caribbean, Cyprus or anywhere, the suggestion that they have to have some link to the place is utterly ridiculous.

It's the couple's special day, and although the OP has acknowledged that, such an acknowledgement is usually followed by something to the effect of "... but they're not having a wedding which suits me".
coughthecat is offline   Reply With Quote
 
Reply



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

 
Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:51.