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Is it selfish to get married abroad?
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Babe Rainbow
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by vintage_girl:
“That is enough pressure in itself though. You can't really say no without feeling guilty if it's a close friend or relative.”

Actually I could.

If my best friend were getting married abroad I would expect her to be understanding if I couldn't afford the expense.

I do agree that it's their wedding and they should do it however they like, but they can't expect everybody else to shell out on it.
razorback Tony
06-12-2016
A few years ago, a friend who lived near me in London with his Italian girlfriend got married to her in her home town, Siena.
He invited me and two other friends, one who was going to be best man.
I was single, the other two were married, but their wives didn't go.
We had a blast, and Danny, the best man, learnt his speech all in Italian, although he had crib notes when he gave it.
He brought the house down, the bride and her family thought it was great.
On our return, and after Paul and Mia came back from honeymoon, I snagged a date and the eight of us had dinner at Le Pont de la Tour restaurant at Tower Bridge.
Bex_123
06-12-2016
Nothing wrong with getting married abroad at all, but you have to expect people not to be able to afford it. It surprises me that people expect others to spend that much money on attending a wedding. But an invite alone doesn't mean they expect it, I'm sure most understand when people decline.

A good friend of mine was recently asked to be a bridesmaid for her oldest friend, she was delighted and said yes. Then they turned round and said the wedding is going to be in the Caribbean and it'll cost her £3500! I cannot even imagine spending that kind of money to attend someone elses wedding, unless it just so happened to be in somewhere I have always planned on going anyway.
coughthecat
06-12-2016
The OP has given quite a lot of information ... not from this country ... originally from somewhere not far from Cyprus ... been with her partner for 2 years ... partner's best friend getting married in Cyprus.

I doubt that's going to apply to many people, so I can't help but wonder if she's considered the possibility that the couple in question are reading this thread, or someone who's figured out who it relates to have alerted them to it.

I wonder what they'd think!

I know what I'd think ... and it wouldn't be complimentary!
Blondie X
06-12-2016
I've been invited to a wedding in Greece this year so we've decided to make it our main holiday. We're flying out 5 days before the couple and most of the other guests arrive and have booked in a hotel on the same island but a different resort.
We're the transferring to the same hotel as the rest of the wedding party and having 6 nights there, which includes the actual wedding. Then we are going to a smaller nearby for 2 nights to wind down before the last night back on the main island but in a resort near the airport so I think it's a good compromise that keeps everyone happy
vintage_girl
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by coughthecat:
“In my opinion the OP's attitude is selfish because she seems to imagine that the couple in question should organise their wedding to suit what she wants.

The only issue is between the OP and her partner, so if it had simply been a case of "We've been invited to a wedding in Cyprus and my partner wants to go but I don't think we can afford it", that would be fine.

However, the suggestion is that the couple are somehow to blame and 'justifications' are being trotted out to reinforce that.

For example ... "neither the bride and groom have any links to the place".

Yeah. So what? If a couple wants to get married in Las Vegas, Paris, Venice, the Caribbean, Cyprus or anywhere, the suggestion that they have to have some link to the place is utterly ridiculous.

It's the couple's special day, and although the OP has acknowledged that, such an acknowledgement is usually followed by something to the effect of "... but they're not having a wedding which suits me".”

I have never said that! I'm not even a close friend of the couple, my OH is, so why would I expect them to organise their wedding around me!
I wanted to know people's thoughts on destination weddings in general, and gave this case as an example.
Yes, a wedding is about what the couple wants, but it's also about their family and friends seeing them get married, and if the options are spend hundreds to travel abroad to do so, or miss out and feel bad about it, then that's a bit of a crappy position to put people in. That's just my opinion.
vintage_girl
06-12-2016
Originally Posted by coughthecat:
“The OP has given quite a lot of information ... not from this country ... originally from somewhere not far from Cyprus ... been with her partner for 2 years ... partner's best friend getting married in Cyprus.

I doubt that's going to apply to many people, so I can't help but wonder if she's considered the possibility that the couple in question are reading this thread, or someone who's figured out who it relates to have alerted them to it.

I wonder what they'd think!

I know what I'd think ... and it wouldn't be complimentary! ”

I doubt they, or anyone we know reads Digital Spy or would bother to read the whole thread to put all that info together.
Flora_McDonald
07-12-2016
Originally Posted by coughthecat:
“In my opinion the OP's attitude is selfish because she seems to imagine that the couple in question should organise their wedding to suit what she wants.

The only issue is between the OP and her partner, so if it had simply been a case of "We've been invited to a wedding in Cyprus and my partner wants to go but I don't think we can afford it", that would be fine.

However, the suggestion is that the couple are somehow to blame and 'justifications' are being trotted out to reinforce that.

For example ... "neither the bride and groom have any links to the place".

Yeah. So what? If a couple wants to get married in Las Vegas, Paris, Venice, the Caribbean, Cyprus or anywhere, the suggestion that they have to have some link to the place is utterly ridiculous.

It's the couple's special day, and although the OP has acknowledged that, such an acknowledgement is usually followed by something to the effect of "... but they're not having a wedding which suits me".”

I think the issue here is that if a wedding were only about two people - the bride and groom - then they can get married where they like. They could organise a get together when they get home for everyone to celebrate with them.

If they send out invites to a wedding abroad, they are putting people in a difficult position of either not attending and missing their loved one's big day with all the accompanying regret or guilt OR possibly going into debt in order to attend; having to take time off work, having to get permission for children to miss school etc., pay for several days of kennelling, etc., organise several days of care for dependents, etc..

The OP's position is that she hasn't got a lot of disposable income and isn't a close friend. She naturally doesn't want to be a party pooper, and thus she is tying herself in knots. Some people are naturally giving people and find it more difficult to say "No".. Other people, as is obvious from this thread, have no difficulty in putting themselves first, and wouldn't dream of going to any expense or bother to attend a wedding abroad unless it suited them. The OP is obviously younger, and less confident about making decisions to suit her own circumstances.

I personally think that people who are minimising the issue, and advocating that she should go into debt or divert funds from higher priorities to attend a wedding in Cyprus just to partner someone else, are living in cloud Cuckoo-land.
Ben_Copland
07-12-2016
Marriages are generally a selfish affair. It's all about them damn two and no one else.
bobbla
07-12-2016
I always liked the thought of a destination wedding as i imagine it as smaller and more relaxed and intimate than some rigid pompous affair at home. My thoughts on it were that if i really wanted anyone to be there with us then the cost of their travel and accomodation would be my responsibility.

Thats why the wedding party would be small
pie-eyed
07-12-2016
It's not selfish to get married abroad. They can do what they want. Obviously they have to realise that not everybody will be able to afford to join them. Receiving an invitation does not mean you have to go. Politely decline. If you can't afford for both to go then the one who is close to the person getting married should go and enjoy it.
Flora_McDonald
07-12-2016
Originally Posted by soulboy77:
“Actually within Europe you could fly out one day and come back the next. A friend had a wedding in Spain last year and that is what most people did. A cheap return flight and and a 3 star hotel for one night.”

Really? Can you explain how they managed that on a budget, and with only 24 hours in each day, some of which are required for sleep?

I am lucky to live in a city with an airport. When I go to Spain, I either have to pay to park my car at the airport car park then shuttle bus to the airport (one night is nearly £30), or pay about £80 for taxis there and back; or use public transport, which would involve two buses and about an hour of walking between the various stops. Once in Spain, I either have to hire a car or use taxis and public transport.

Presumably they wouldn't want to do all that travelling dressed in wedding finery, so they would need to go to a hotel for a shower and change first. So presumably they would need to stay overnight to go to the wedding the next day.

If the wedding is followed by a reception, which is the norm, then in order to avoid paying for a second night's accommodation, they'd have to leave early in order to allow time to return a hire car or take public transport to the airport, unless they incur considerable expense paying for a taxi. Once back in the UK, if they don't have a car waiting in the car park, then they'd probably arrive too late to be able to use public transport, so they'd have to take a taxi home. It would be cheaper to pay for two nights in Spain than pay the taxis. Additionally, I cannot imagine having to do all that travel after a sweaty wedding in Spain without first having a shower and changing into more suitable clothes for travelling.

"Cheap" flights to Spain from where I live still cost between £100-£220 return, depending on the time of year, and there isn't much flexibility to choose the times to suit your needs, so you end up paying more in order to choose suitable travel times. Last time I was in Spain, the flight home was delayed, and the return travel took 12 hours, most of which was spent stuck at the boarding gate, because they wouldn't allow us back out. We had to buy water at £2 for each small bottle, plus airport/plane food.

Travel to Cyprus involves about 2 hours more flying time than Spain, so are far more expensive, and there are no flights to Cyprus from my local airport, so I'd have to travel to a different city in order to fly to Cyprus.
radioanorak
07-12-2016
On Trip Advisor you will see posts about getting married abroad & they are asking how can they transport 50 plus people from the wedding venue to the reception.
FFS get married at home & have the honeymoon abroad.
That way no one is under pressure to use up holiday & spend hundreds of pounds they have not got except on a credit cards.
The only people who gain are the tour operators who charge massive sums to plan the wedding.
netcurtains
07-12-2016
I thought the whole idea of marrying abroad was to get away from the whole traditional wedding malarky?
My brother married abroad so they could combine the cost of getting married with the honeymoon, they'd been together for years and already had a child so didn't need a traditional wedding with guests and gifts, they didn't invite anyone, did their vows on the beach and had a nice holiday.
If you're going to invite people then you should have the wedding at home. It's hard enough for people to get the day off work, never mind the nightmare logistics of expecting everyone to be be able to get a full week or two off at the same time, that and people have other responsibilities like children, pets etc

No, it's not selfish to marry abroad but it's a bit odd to invite people to it. Parents maybe, if you pay for them and they're up for it but asking friends that's just weird and a bit thoughtless.
thefairydandy
07-12-2016
Originally Posted by Flora_McDonald:
“Really? Can you explain how they managed that on a budget, and with only 24 hours in each day, some of which are required for sleep?

I am lucky to live in a city with an airport. When I go to Spain, I either have to pay to park my car at the airport car park then shuttle bus to the airport (one night is nearly £30), or pay about £80 for taxis there and back; or use public transport, which would involve two buses and about an hour of walking between the various stops. Once in Spain, I either have to hire a car or use taxis and public transport.

Presumably they wouldn't want to do all that travelling dressed in wedding finery, so they would need to go to a hotel for a shower and change first. So presumably they would need to stay overnight to go to the wedding the next day.

If the wedding is followed by a reception, which is the norm, then in order to avoid paying for a second night's accommodation, they'd have to leave early in order to allow time to return a hire car or take public transport to the airport, unless they incur considerable expense paying for a taxi. Once back in the UK, if they don't have a car waiting in the car park, then they'd probably arrive too late to be able to use public transport, so they'd have to take a taxi home. It would be cheaper to pay for two nights in Spain than pay the taxis.

"Cheap" flights to Spain from where I live still cost between £100-£220 return, depending on the time of year, and there isn't much flexibility to choose the times to suit your needs, so you end up paying more in order to choose suitable travel times. Last time I was in Spain, the flight home was delayed, and the return travel took 12 hours, most of which was spent stuck at the boarding gate, because they wouldn't allow us back out. We had to buy water at £2 for each small bottle, plus airport/plane food. Cyprus flights are more expensive, and there are no flights to Cyprus from my local airport.

Travel to Cyprus involves about 2 hours more flying time than Spain.”

I think the answer to that is that people usually mentally bracket the expenses initially as 'flights + accommodation', then tend to include food, drinks etc when they're there, but mentally skip the other costs as if they 'don't count'.

My friends and I are combating a hen do invite on those costs because the inviters are saying it 'only' costs so much, when they're ignoring all the rest really, or very much underestimating them!
Fairyprincess0
07-12-2016
I think expecting friends and family to fork out money, they might not able to afford, to indulge your 'big day' is incredibly selfish.....
Flora_McDonald
07-12-2016
Originally Posted by thefairydandy:
“I think the answer to that is that people usually mentally bracket the expenses initially as 'flights + accommodation', then tend to include food, drinks etc when they're there, but mentally skip the other costs as if they 'don't count'.

My friends and I are combating a hen do invite on those costs because the inviters are saying it 'only' costs so much, when they're ignoring all the rest really, or very much underestimating them!”

Precisely. I think some of the posters in this thread have no idea what it's like to be young and starting out in life, living independently from parents and financial support from others having to budget for accommodation, food, travel, clothing, work expenses,Christmas, and everything else from a meagre income. I left home at 17 and have forged my way independently through thick and thin ever since. It has been hell on earth at times, but it certainly gave me a better grounding in simple maths and money management.


Personally I think that no-one should expect others to fork out loads of cash for any event without consulting them first. It's just simple courtesy and consideration to do so.

.
Originally Posted by FairyPrincess0:
“I think expecting friends and family to fork out money, they might not able to afford, to indulge your 'big day' is incredibly selfish.....
”

Me too
Asarualim
07-12-2016
Originally Posted by Ben_Copland:
“Marriages are generally a selfish affair. It's all about them damn two and no one else.”

Not always though. when I got married last year my concern, after actually getting married of course, was that eveyone have a good time and a laugh. I had perople travelling up to the North East from the South East and didn't want them coming all that way without makng sure they were going to enjoy themselves.
wench
07-12-2016
Originally Posted by vintage_girl:
“I have never said that! I'm not even a close friend of the couple, my OH is, so why would I expect them to organise their wedding around me!
I wanted to know people's thoughts on destination weddings in general, and gave this case as an example.
Yes, a wedding is about what the couple wants, but it's also about their family and friends seeing them get married, and if the options are spend hundreds to travel abroad to do so, or miss out and feel bad about it, then that's a bit of a crappy position to put people in. That's just my opinion.”

No it isn't.

It should be purely about what the couple want, not pandering to others, family or not.
Harvey_Specter
07-12-2016
Originally Posted by wench:
“No it isn't.”

Well it is, or the couple wouldn't invite anyone.
james_lndsay
07-12-2016
Originally Posted by vintage_girl:
“It would mean using up what little savings I have and probably putting some stuff on the credit card too. But that's just how it is. If we go, it means a bit of financial hardship. If we don't, it would mean guilt and possibly his friend being offended (all his friends are better off than us, so it's not a problem for them to go).”

Then it's not worth it if you are going to leave yourself in a pickle, getting into debt to go to a foreign wedding is not an option.
Ella Nut
07-12-2016
Originally Posted by killjoy:
“I don't see the problem, just say money is tight and let OH go by himself.”

That's what I would do - and what I DID do some years back when my ex-husband's old college pal got married in Spain. He went, had a fabulous time and I stayed at home.
Ben_Copland
07-12-2016
Originally Posted by Ella Nut:
“That's what I would do - and what I DID do some years back when my ex-husband's old college pal got married in Spain. He went, had a fabulous time and I stayed at home.”

Did you keep that occurence in your mental bank for the next time he pissed you off with a similar instance?
academia
07-12-2016
Originally Posted by wench:
“No it isn't.

It should be purely about what the couple want, not pandering to others, family or not.”

Family matters too. Including family on the big day isn't pandering to them - these are the people who have always been part of your life. You all shared one another's special occasions - the births, the Christmases, the graduations, the illnesses, the funerals and the weddings. The wedding ceremony should be available to all. The honeymoon after is the couple's time.
Pee
07-12-2016
the OP definitely appears to be the selfish one here. this isn't the bride or groom's issue whatsoever, it's between the OP and her partner. if you can't afford it, then don't go, it's really that simple. yes he's been the dutiful +1 previously, but you're not obliged to put yourself into debt just to be "fair". it's an honest discussion you and your partner need to have with each other, but making the couple out to be selfish or inconsiderate makes YOU the selfish one, I'm afraid. would it have made a difference to your financial situation if either of them had a connection to the country they were marrying in? I'm guessing the answer is no, so how/why is that even relevant?

I got married abroad, mainly because we wanted a much smaller affair than would've been possible here, although we had a party when we got back anyway. we invited about 150 friends and family, and about 100 came with us in the end. We could've easily doubled that number though, as several others wanted to come, but we had to refuse. For those that couldn't afford it, we completely understood, and there was no pressure for anyone to come if they couldn't. We did end up falling out with some people, as they did nothing but complain (about costs, mainly, but not just that), and I ended up un-inviting a couple, funnily enough who had also had a wedding abroad that I attended. My thing is, if you can't make it for whatever reason that's completely fine. I completely understand and accept it. But don't make it my problem because I've not made my plans around what's best for you.
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