I was thinking over some past relationships last night and remembered how one of my previous girlfriends said that she was immediately comfortable with me when we first met. Now at the time I took it as a good thing but no way is my mind not going to twist things around when I'm trying to get some sleep!

I remember her saying how she didn't feel that she had to impress me, to hide what she perceived to be her failings or to maintain an appearance of dignity. She was a very sweet girl and like I said, at the time I took it as a good thing but then I thought: was it because she never saw me as a threat? That she never thought I could do better than her? That no one else would be with me so she didn't have competition? God does the mind run around crazy land when you need to get some sleep.

Do you think that being comfortable with your partner, or them with you, could be a bad thing?

I used to hate her ringing me up and saying "come home, I've got nothing to sit on"

The alternative being...uncomfortable with each other? Doesn't seem like something that would naturally be conducive to a good relationship.

Yeah that's a good point. Perhaps I could have worded it differently. Maybe " too relaxed" with someone? I don't know, that's a tough one now that you point it out.

I would have thought it vital for any relationship
Companionship is vital as well, passion and lust fade so you need something else

After my wife had surgery and was convalescing at home, she needed to throw up. Because she couldn't move quickly she didn't make it to the toilet in time, so I ended up mopping vomit off the bathroom floor and picking bits out of the sink.

Then there was the time that we went to a "coffee" shop in Amsterdam. Not being used to that sort of thing I ended up unable to walk unassisted, and she had to drag me to our hotel room and stay up for hours to make sure I didn't choke on my own vomit or do anything stupid.

My point being that this sort of vulnerability and embarrassment happens now and again in any long-term relationship, and if it's going to last you need to be comfortable enough with each other to shrug and get on with it. I don't think it's possible to be too relaxed with a partner.

Very good points in your post and I agree with all of it, that sort of comfort is essential in a long term relationship. But what if your partner didn't feel the need to dress smart when you went out? Or to keep you interested in the bedroom for example? I'm not sure how to describe that level of comfort...maybe comfort isn't even the best word. If that makes sense.

I think sometimes we can be too comfortable with people and end up taking them for granted. That's what I'm trying to (and failing to) describe.

I can't speak for anyone else, but comfort is what I want in a relationship. Comfort sounds cosy and to some, that's boring and scary. It depends on the person though.

If she said she was immediately comfortable when you first met, I take that to mean that she didn't feel awkward trying to converse or find topics of conversation, that she didn't feel nervous, tense, that she felt at ease with you, could be herself rather than put on an act, that she didn't feel you had unreasonable expectations of her.

Sounds like an almighty compliment to me, although it obviously didn't work out with you both - so perhaps you weren't totally comfortable with her

I would love to have felt that way on first meeting somebody.

I think it's wonderful to be with someone who accepts you for who you are. A friend of mine wouldn't eat in front of her dates and wouldn't let them see her without a full face of make up. She dyed her hair... All her hair if you get my drift. She didn't feel she was enough for anyone and I find that so sad.

I never felt I had to put on a show to impress my BF ( now husband). He just likes me for who I am. I don't remember conversation being awkward or stilted - we just clicked. He's an incredibly quiet and reserved person, but I felt as though I got to see a side of him few other people did. Because we were comfortable together. I see it as a good thing myself.

No - how could it be?

I presume you are the one who dumped this girl, because to me it reads like she was saying you're the perfect guy for her, because most women would love a guy that they could feel comfortable enough to be themselves around.

Also, why would you want your girlfriend to see you as a threat - a threat to what? Competition for what?

Yes, it was a few years back but the general reason was that she didn't put much effort into the relationship. To give specific examples she would never come up with her own ideas for a date night, she wouldn't dress up when we went out (and honestly I don't expect much but jeans and an old hoodie doesn't cut it for a nice restaurant), she didn't show any romantic gestures yet I was expected to buy her flowers, gifts or write love letters etc.

It just felt like I was putting in all of the effort into keeping the spark there while she was comfortable in doing nothing. I actually enjoy doing nice things but when nothing is returned it feels like a slap in the face sometimes, if that makes sense. So about being a threat, perhaps if she saw there was a chance in losing me, she would have made more of an effort. That's what I was wondering at least.

it seems the problem was she is just a natural scruff rather than the comfort thing

What she was saying was that she didn't feel like she had to pretend to be someone else but i guess the question is whose expectations was she trying to live up to.

Are you currently single?

No but thank you for the offer

If you are not single then why are reflecting past relationships?

(Oh and it was't an offer btw. )

I think you can get "too comfortable" in a relationship, but not necessarily the way you're saying. I don't think not wanting to dress up for a restaurant is down to being too comfortable, that just sounds like her personality - Some people just don't like dressing up?

I have friends who talk about how they are so comfortable with their partners/husbands that they will be in the shower while their husband is on the loo and things like that... Each to their own but personally for me, that to me is too comfortable! I love my boyfriend and our intimacy and how we are comfortable with each other in that we don't feel the need to make a real effort with our appearance at all times and don't care if the other sees us looking not our best, but that doesn't mean I need to see him on the loo.

Of course, if my boyfriend was recovering from surgery or became disabled or something, I would help him with toilet or whatever because I love him, but just for the sake of 'being comfortable'... No

I don't think that's what he's talking about. He's talking about not trying to impress him or hiding her failings, not not dressing up or farting under the blankets kind of comfortable and there are two sides of the coin to what they're presenting. Either she was uncomfortable in herself and was trying to be someone else because she didn't feel good enough or she felt that she deserved more but settled, which i think is the point the OP is alluding to although i guess in order for that to be the case the OP has to have a bad self image.

Yes I agree, which I why I said in my first paragraph that, to me, it's a different kind of thing to "comfort" that he is talking about.

I realise I then went on a complete tangent though Sorry OP.

It's a terrible thing never let anyone get too comfy... it turns them into a serial duvet thief!.... People take liberties

Comfort is one thing, complacency is quite another. Failing to keep up interest in the bedroom falls into the latter category.

Familiarity frequently does breed contempt, sadly.

Everydboy needs a bosom for a pillow.

Not at all, what you said made perfect sense and I enjoyed reading it. I agree that there are some things, no matter how much I loved someone, I wouldn't be comfortable doing with them (like using the toilet while they shower or popping spots while they watch) but that's more to protect their minds than to keep my modesty. No one needs the image of me being on the loo inside their heads!


This is perhaps a far better way of describing things than how I did. I know that she dressed up and made more of an effort with her previous boyfriends so when she didn't for me (due to her saying she was comfortable) it now made me think if she meant that she didn't feel like I was worth it.


#justlatenightchemomindfogthings