DS Forums

 
 

Relationships/colleagues - am I the problem?


Reply
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-12-2016, 22:14
SonOfPurple
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: SE London
Posts: 796
You want to be careful she doesn't have enough of your pursuit to get in her knickers and raise a formal sexual harassment claim against with your management.
I am wary of that sort of misunderstanding and as such am quite careful not to be too personal or blue when talking to colleagues, so long as everything stays pleasant and above-board it shouldn't lead to an HR issue.

OP, do you realise that you come across as needy, insecure and in confident? Your blog (what i managed to read of it) screams 'I'm desperate for attention! Nobody loves me!' my advice would be to stop publicly documenting your self-peceived failings . It's not attractive, and as you make no effort to hide your identity, pretty soon the girl you like will know how you feel. Think carefully about the image you portray and the information you share.
For the longest time, my failings were all I had, it's only since I've had this job that I've really had anything positive to say. As to not concealing my identity, again I had no real reason to hide behind a persona, I've always been quite open and honest about my feelings. I know that can rub people up the wrong way, but I don't deliberately set out to offend...

I looked at your twitter, and pof and you look like a perfectly normal bloke. However your writing makes you sound so needy and wierd and clingy. Keep it inside dude, realms of trite prose will not endear you to anybody. Treat women like people not like imaginary princesses and just try and be friends with them before you think do anything more.
I do struggle to keep a lid on my emotions, and when I get the opportunity to blare out how I'm feeling - on the blog, Twitter, Instagram or DS, principally - sometimes I forget to hold my tongue. That said, there have been times I've started to tap a weary response to something someone's posted, before deciding not to bother. Maybe I need to do that more often! And my POF is still up? Haven't used that in donkey's...

Agreed. OP you come across quite stalkery, obsessive and creepy. Probably best to keep using the pay for service and leave the work colleagues alone.
I'm trying not to be weird and sleazy, and always make sure to be pleasant and gentlemanly when talking to others. Perhaps the tone doesn't come across so well when presented in bloc text. That said, I can get lonely and need comfort, and that's when the more selfish squeals come to the screeen.

One of the things I see often amongst some of my friends and in everyday life, is that some people have expectations far higher than is real or warranted.

Some people I know will not consider someone unless they are a perfect 10, when in reality, they themselves are probably a 5.

Maybe you are hoping to bat above average without considering those who are below average or even equal to yourself.

You say your physical appearance and unfortunate health is a hinderance, well maybe to some but not to those who maybe have it worse than you.

Maybe you need to set your sights lower is what I'm basically trying to get at.
The lady I'm enamoured with is almost certainly out of my league, but that's because she's stunning and I'm a bit of a dredge. The only way I could date a lady lower than me on the ol' scale is if I consorted with bin-dipping cat-ladies! Whilst I'm not a guy with too many hang-ups, I do like a lady who is sweet, smart and gently pretty - I tend not to go for the plasticky bleached and botoxed look! But whilst I'm well aware of what kind of girl's good for me, I need to remember I might not be good enough for them, as proven by the current crush. As someone who's seen every series of The Undateables, I'd have no qualms about dating a lady with mental and/or physical disabilities, so long as I don't end up feeling like I'm taking advantage of someone who doesn't know better, or being used as a form of unpaid nursemaid like I sometimes end up being at home...

I agree with pretty much everybody - I would say, you've got 1000+ followers out there on Twitter amazingly, give them something more upbeat to read of your tweets!

I would also say, get a social life. Give yourself something other than work - for yourself.
I'd like to do more leisure things outside work, the only nights out I've had since I joined this employer have been with people from the store! I've never really had the opportunity to make friends thus far, so perhaps I need to be better about reaching out. For instance, I'd like to spend time with other people who want to discuss music, having only had the chance for a handful of tune-related chats with workmates. Maybe I need to find some form of community which allows users to bond based on shared tastes, discover and share tracks and arrange trips to gigs and such... If there's such a site around, lerrus know about it!

Are you autistic? You're obviously very intelligent, but seem to struggle with social situations and general social contact. If you have not been diagnosed i would suggest visiting your GP.
Back in my teens, when I was having issues forming bonds with classmates, I got booted across to the ed psych who diagnosed me with Aspergers. Whilst that did explain some of my more innate traits, such as my didactic memory for things like Teletext page numbers, I haven't really had to use the diagnosis in day-to-day work, as it doesn't impair my ability to punt stock...
SonOfPurple is offline Follow this poster on Twitter   Reply With Quote
Please sign in or register to remove this advertisement.
Old 12-12-2016, 22:23
highland paddy
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 613
I was just going to post, in response to the earlier one suggesting autism, that did you maybe have Aspergers, and now you seem to have confirmed it. Your lengthy and at times overblown writing style seemed to suggest it. I actually thought this was a joke at first, now it makes me feel a bit sad.

I would go with the idea that you should try and build up your 'real life' social life for now. It seems you're in the London area, so maybe if you went online to discuss an interest you could find similar enthusiasts and get to know them enough to meet them? Being based where you are is a godsend in that regard, at least you are close to millions of people and not living in the Highlands or something.

I'd maybe cool off the girl for now as it sounds like you;re putting too much pressure on yourself and maybe her, and to be honest even if you looked like David Beckham (you look perfectly ok by the way) she might be put off by the neediness that came across.

I wish I could be of more help. Good luck. The fact that you've got a job is great progress and more than many, self included, so keep going.
highland paddy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2016, 22:27
Vast_Girth
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 5,261
I do struggle to keep a lid on my emotions, and when I get the opportunity to blare out how I'm feeling - on the blog, Twitter, Instagram or DS, principally - sometimes I forget to hold my tongue. That said, there have been times I've started to tap a weary response to something someone's posted, before deciding not to bother. Maybe I need to do that more often! And my POF is still up? Haven't used that in donkey's...

Back in my teens, when I was having issues forming bonds with classmates, I got booted across to the ed psych who diagnosed me with Aspergers. Whilst that did explain some of my more innate traits, such as my didactic memory for things like Teletext page numbers, I haven't really had to use the diagnosis in day-to-day work, as it doesn't impair my ability to punt stock...
You should of course have an outlet for your emotions, but somewhere not so public would be a good idea. You obviously enjoy writing so perhaps creative writing would be a good outlet.

A friend of mine has Aspergers, and i tbh i saw a lot of him in what you wrote. He was the brother of a good friend of mine and just used to tag along with him to the pub. He was incredibly shy at first and could only socialise after downing a bottle of wine or 2. Everyone thought he was weird, but over time grew to understand him more and he became a good friend. He was still weird but we all liked him because of it. I think its just practising at social situations and finding people who accept you for who you are. He is married now with a couple of kids.
Vast_Girth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2016, 22:52
striing
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 11,776
Back in my teens, when I was having issues forming bonds with classmates, I got booted across to the ed psych who diagnosed me with Aspergers. Whilst that did explain some of my more innate traits, such as my didactic memory for things like Teletext page numbers, I haven't really had to use the diagnosis in day-to-day work, as it doesn't impair my ability to punt stock...
It explains a lot OP. Have you contacted anyone who can support you to develop in the way you want to? There will be someone/something out there so support you whether it's via your GP or an AS specialist group - I doubt you will find it from random strangers on the internet.
striing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2016, 23:32
striing
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 11,776
OP I'm worried that you have put a lot of personal, identifying information on the internet. Be careful if anyone you don't know approaches or contacts you as there are some manipulative arseholes out there.
striing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13-12-2016, 10:25
belly button
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Is there life on Mars
Posts: 5,364
OP, most people are common or garden, run of the mill types and like usually is compatible to like.
You seem to be a bit more quirky than the usual and so finding compatibility may be a bit harder.
I think you need to cast your net into different waters . Try joining the more creative social networks such as book clubs or volunteer at a local museum . I suspect you may have more luck than at the works Christmas bash.
belly button is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13-12-2016, 11:12
mumbles26
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,752
Deleted
mumbles26 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13-12-2016, 11:58
Chilli Dragon
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Au nord de l'Angleterre
Posts: 23,699
So you're a pallid, stooping basement dwelling romantic?
Chilli Dragon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13-12-2016, 21:55
Poppy99_Poppy
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 2,207
This is a serious suggestion - is there a dating site for people with Aspergers?
Poppy99_Poppy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13-12-2016, 23:34
blueblade
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Southern East Anglia
Posts: 75,202
Jesus - Dominic, I just took a glance at your twitter feed. You're even talking about this girl in such glowing terms on there - it comes across as creepy and stalkerish. She and others must be able to see this as well as we can on here. Obviously, she will be running a mile from you. Anybody would. Most blokes would from any woman obsessing with them like that.

You need to grow up and not place women on some form of pedestal to which they cannot possibly live up. Stop getting obsessed, and definitely let it go like a bad habit with this woman, before you really freak her out and get into serious trouble.

Romance will come to you if you don't keep bloody chasing it. Run after it, and it will run away. Stop still, and stop caring, and it will come to you. Trust me on that. It's the magic formula.

Mind, I love that 1982 letter from the old lady with the transistor radio you re-tweeted. Pure class, that More of that kind of humour, and less of the self obsessed pity on your twitter would be good.
blueblade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-12-2016, 02:33
SonOfPurple
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: SE London
Posts: 796
You should of course have an outlet for your emotions, but somewhere not so public would be a good idea. You obviously enjoy writing so perhaps creative writing would be a good outlet.

A friend of mine has Aspergers, and i tbh i saw a lot of him in what you wrote. He was the brother of a good friend of mine and just used to tag along with him to the pub. He was incredibly shy at first and could only socialise after downing a bottle of wine or 2. Everyone thought he was weird, but over time grew to understand him more and he became a good friend. He was still weird but we all liked him because of it. I think its just practising at social situations and finding people who accept you for who you are. He is married now with a couple of kids.
Your friend's journey appears to be similar to the one I'm on with regard to finding my social feet, I've become more a part of the group over time and begun to get more social and humorous with them as I've settled in, in the early days I was very skittish and fritzy, in part because I was coming in off the back of the fear & paranoia I'd suffered whilst under the job*centre's thumb. I guess I have to keep pushing forward and hope that as people become used to me, and I to them, that the folk I know will come to realise that what I do comes from a good place, even if sometimes it gets a little garbled on the journey from brain to mouth.

As to creative writing, that's something I've wanted to do for a long time, but never really gave myself the opportunity to do. I've done odds and sods - the old MySpace blog I had a decade ago now got a few pieces of fiction in between the whines - a misread article on the Arctic Tern led me to dump out an occasional series of sub-Adrian Mole extracts on the life of a fictional Arctic teen, though those posts are now lost (unless Timberlake's still got'em squirreled away on a dusty old server somewhere...) I'd love to have done something involving music, but the local community station I "auditioned" at went bust before I could actually get on the air, so that's DJ out of the picture. And I do admire folks like Paul Rose, Peter Serafinowicz, Chris Morris, Charlie Brooker and the guys behind Framley Examiner, so if I can ever write something which tilts in their general direction I'd be absolutely beside myself... But yeah, I'd deffo be more creative if I could get the chances...

OP, most people are common or garden, run of the mill types and like usually is compatible to like.
You seem to be a bit more quirky than the usual and so finding compatibility may be a bit harder.
I think you need to cast your net into different waters . Try joining the more creative social networks such as book clubs or volunteer at a local museum . I suspect you may have more luck than at the works Christmas bash.
"A bit quirky" is perhaps one of the more polite ways people have described me!

I did recently wonder whether I'd get to meet the sort of charming, interesting girl who hangs around in bookshops and record stores, and where the hell I'd need to go to find such a lady. There was genuinely that moment of staring-me-in-the-face realisation: "oh hang on, I work in a bloody shopping mall! We actually have book and music stores!"

The staff party wasn't really the ideal venue for conversation, the event was set up primarily for dancin', and whilst some folks did find places to chat, nobody seemed in any hurry to make arrangements to talk to me. Maybe by the time next December rolls up I'll have figured out a way to actually instigate a conversation, which is something I've always struggled with.

Jesus - Dominic, I just took a glance at your twitter feed. You're even talking about this girl in such glowing terms on there - it comes across as creepy and stalkerish. She and others must be able to see this as well as we can on here. Obviously, she will be running a mile from you. Anybody would. Most blokes would from any woman obsessing with them like that.

You need to grow up and not place women on some form of pedestal to which they cannot possibly live up. Stop getting obsessed, and definitely let it go like a bad habit with this woman, before you really freak her out and get into serious trouble.

Romance will come to you if you don't keep bloody chasing it. Run after it, and it will run away. Stop still, and stop caring, and it will come to you. Trust me on that. It's the magic formula.

Mind, I love that 1982 letter from the old lady with the transistor radio you re-tweeted. Pure class, that More of that kind of humour, and less of the self obsessed pity on your twitter would be good.
As before: the intent was kindly but the execution may have come out a little unwieldy. I'd gladly have simply sat down and had a proper grown-up conversation with the lady in question, had that been presented as an option. I recognise that I can have oobsessive tendencies and be a bit of a completist, again that goes to the same root as the Teletext page thing, but I'm far from the stalker type. It's not like I'm following her round in a skanky mac noting down her movements in a fricking jotter or something! But I do admit that at times I did get a bit tied up in the "what if" train, the whole "will I lose my chance if I don't speak up" kind of thing, and this fear led me to rush in rather than waiting for someone to discover me. Doesn't help that I'm not only putting girls on a pedestal, I'm also putting myself below the podium - for every nice thing I've said about a lady there's many dozen self-defeating deprecations I've slung at my own direction... I guess I'm worried that I'll be left hanging, waiting alone for love to find me and possibly not getting anything until I'm too far gone to enjoy it! I've always been last choice - from school PE sessions to girls and until recently jobs.*No wonder I'm a pity party!

That letter did tickle me, I do like a nice bit of slowburn humour with a big meaty payoff. I'd happily keep that sort of thing in my timeline, though that's often reliant on someone else punting it into my field of vision in the first instance!

So you're a pallid, stooping basement dwelling romantic?
With a wracked back, crucial levels of mucus buildup and, deep down, a lingering hope that there may, somewhere, somehow still be good in the world...
SonOfPurple is offline Follow this poster on Twitter   Reply With Quote
Old 14-12-2016, 10:11
scottie2121
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,305
Rather than referring to women as ladies, start using the 'woman' and 'women' words.

It can make a difference to your own perception.
scottie2121 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-12-2016, 10:29
Starpuss
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 11,311
Rather than referring to women as ladies, start using the 'woman' and 'women' words.

It can make a difference to your own perception.
I'd agree with this. It seems daft but calling a whole sex 'ladies' or 'girls' as the OP does is a bit offputting.

We are women. Just human beings like men. Nothing special that needs putting on a pedestal.
Starpuss is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16-12-2016, 16:59
TWS
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Devon
Posts: 8,086
I got to as far as the bit where you were sat on the couple's laps before realising this is a joke.

This is a joke, right?
That was as far as I got...then I realised I don't think I could give adequate advice it would be more of a shaking and for gods sake man conversation
TWS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16-12-2016, 17:13
gdjman68wasdigi
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Liverpool/sarf London.
Posts: 11,736
That was as far as I got...then I realised I don't think I could give adequate advice it would be more of a shaking and for gods sake man conversation
Good God man, I'm a doctor, not a lapdancer..
gdjman68wasdigi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16-12-2016, 19:27
mumbles26
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,752
For what it's worth, I think you are a hugely talented writer OP.

Perhaps tone down the flowery way of talking and you'll meet someone just right.
mumbles26 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16-12-2016, 19:50
charger21
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,103
I'm sure I can't be the only person wanting to see a photo of this dream woman
charger21 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-12-2016, 00:11
SonOfPurple
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: SE London
Posts: 796
I'm sure I can't be the only person wanting to see a photo of this dream woman
'Appen I don't have permission to put her picture online, so you'll just have to take my word for it when I say she's a lady of quite high quality! In any case I've not had much opportunity to snap a photo of her, my 'best' selfie attempt last Christmas was a blurry shambles thanks to being shot with a back-facing camera - the resulting pic doesn't really do any justice to her beauty, and only about one-fifth of my face makes it into the frame at all...
SonOfPurple is offline Follow this poster on Twitter   Reply With Quote
Old 17-12-2016, 11:00
Bex_123
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 8,717
Goodness me. This all (along with the Twitter posting) comes across as incredibly creepy. I know you don't mean it to come across that way at all, but it is how it reads and likely how the situation seems to the woman in question. And it's not just to woman, I think most men would be running for the hills too if a woman was acting like this.

You also seem to have posted 10 updates on Twitter while you were at your Christmas party, including one about the girl you're trying to impress liking another guy. Do your colleagues know your Twitter?
Bex_123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-12-2016, 13:25
mumbles26
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,752
Please take this as a kind suggestion Dominic, I think you are in danger of getting into unnecessary trouble with your oversharing of information on twitter. If the woman you like sees the constant barrage of references about her that you make, she could understandably find it quite alarming.

Please be careful.
mumbles26 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-12-2016, 14:08
Bex_123
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 8,717
Please take this as a kind suggestion Dominic, I think you are in danger of getting into unnecessary trouble with your oversharing of information on twitter. If the woman you like sees the constant barrage of references about her that you make, she could understandably find it quite alarming.

Please be careful.
Agreed. I do not think it is the intention at all.

But if I saw this stuff about me written by a colleague (it wouldn't be hard for her to then also find this thread as OP uses the same name here as for his Twitter) it would be definitely be alarming.

Also, while we are on the Twitter subject, OP I think you really should take your pinned post down - "I'd like to be the kind of sweet, polite guy who treats ladies with respect, does nice things to make girls feel happy, beautiful, confident" - It shouldn't be the most important aspect of your twitter and I don't think it would have the effect you want it to.
Bex_123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-12-2016, 15:17
mumbles26
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,752
Agreed. I do not think it is the intention at all.

But if I saw this stuff about me written by a colleague (it wouldn't be hard for her to then also find this thread as OP uses the same name here as for his Twitter) it would be definitely be alarming.

Also, while we are on the Twitter subject, OP I think you really should take your pinned post down - "I'd like to be the kind of sweet, polite guy who treats ladies with respect, does nice things to make girls feel happy, beautiful, confident" - It shouldn't be the most important aspect of your twitter and I don't think it would have the effect you want it to.
''Tis true Dominic.

You are coming across very desperate and if you are as sweet as you sound, no need to broadcast it. Be your natural self but in perhaps less of a public way.

Good luck
mumbles26 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-12-2016, 15:18
Babe Rainbow
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 25,048
Agreed. I do not think it is the intention at all.

But if I saw this stuff about me written by a colleague (it wouldn't be hard for her to then also find this thread as OP uses the same name here as for his Twitter) it would be definitely be alarming.

Also, while we are on the Twitter subject, OP I think you really should take your pinned post down - "I'd like to be the kind of sweet, polite guy who treats ladies with respect, does nice things to make girls feel happy, beautiful, confident" - It shouldn't be the most important aspect of your twitter and I don't think it would have the effect you want it to.
It would put me off even if I had previously actually quite fancied him - if I had made it obvious (and he had even acknowledged that I had done so) that I wasn't interested, then I would probably be very annoyed and embarrassed. I would not be happy with a work colleague or anybody else discussing me in such terms all over the internet.
Babe Rainbow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-12-2016, 17:02
eluf38
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,333


For the longest time, my failings were all I had, it's only since I've had this job that I've really had anything positive to say. As to not concealing my identity, again I had no real reason to hide behind a persona, I've always been quite open and honest about my feelings. I know that can rub people up the wrong way, but I don't deliberately set out to offend...

OP I'll just respond to your reply to my first comment, seeing as you were kind enough to answer it directly. You've had a lot of excellent advice on here, but I can't be bothered to single out individual posts - there are too many. Here goes...

I'd love to know how a literate, educated, motivated and obviously kind-hearted person can have 'only failings'? Don't measure your worth by your value to other people. I know it can be easy to catastrophise and always look at the negative - it's something I used to do to myself. You have to challege that stream of negativity.
An example - my little one is currently undergoing the 'terrible twos'. Sometimes, after an epic tantarum I find myself saying 'I'm a useless Mum.' Then I think, hold on... she's clean, clothed, surrounded by books and toys, she's warm and safe, and even if she doesn't want to eat, she has access to food and drink. A useless or neglectful Mum wouldn't manage half of that. Chin up and carry on.
You have to look at the bright side. Constantly. And don't broadcast your perceived failings.

As to being 'open and honest' - it's good that you're an honest person, and that you don't want to offend. But you can't control how other people interpret your outpourings. Nearly every person on here has warned you that sharing such personal information online a) makes you sound too intense and needy and frankly, a little little like a stalker. b) leaves you open to abuse or manipulation by an unscrupulous person.

If everybody on this thread has warned you against sharing so much of yourself online perhaps, just perhaps, we may all be right?
eluf38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-12-2016, 17:42
Bex_123
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 8,717
I'd love to know how a literate, educated, motivated and obviously kind-hearted person can have 'only failings'? Don't measure your worth by your value to other people. I know it can be easy to catastrophise and always look at the negative - it's something I used to do to myself. You have to challege that stream of negativity.
An example - my little one is currently undergoing the 'terrible twos'. Sometimes, after an epic tantarum I find myself saying 'I'm a useless Mum.' Then I think, hold on... she's clean, clothed, surrounded by books and toys, she's warm and safe, and even if she doesn't want to eat, she has access to food and drink. A useless or neglectful Mum wouldn't manage half of that. Chin up and carry on.
You have to look at the bright side. Constantly. And don't broadcast your perceived failings.


As to being 'open and honest' - it's good that you're an honest person, and that you don't want to offend. But you can't control how other people interpret your outpourings. Nearly every person on here has warned you that sharing such personal information online a) makes you sound too intense and needy and frankly, a little little like a stalker. b) leaves you open to abuse or manipulation by an unscrupulous person.

If everybody on this thread has warned you against sharing so much of yourself online perhaps, just perhaps, we may all be right?
Really good advice here - Very similar to how CBT therapy is done, and is probably (in my experience too) the most helpful way of controlling negative thoughts and feelings.

There has been some really decent advice on this thread, OP. I really hope you take it in, although I know it might be difficult at first.
Bex_123 is offline   Reply With Quote
 
Reply




 
Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:02.