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Old 17-12-2016, 21:45
ohglobbits
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Sadly this girl probably does notice the attention but is after something less serious. This girl isn't for you as you seem the calm settle down with someone serious type, therefore you're probably better off with someone who compliments you (has attributes you don't have and vice-versa)so maybe someone highly strung who needs reassurance but not this gentle maiden of your dreams.
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Old 17-12-2016, 23:22
tghe-retford
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Really good advice here - Very similar to how CBT therapy is done, and is probably (in my experience too) the most helpful way of controlling negative thoughts and feelings.

There has been some really decent advice on this thread, OP. I really hope you take it in, although I know it might be difficult at first.
Should we go as far as to suggest and advise (as opposed to silence which would be illiberal and anti-free speech) all single men should not broadcast the fact they are single online or ask for relationship and dating advice online - because of such situations as discussed in this thread? Because whenever a man's single status is mentioned or they ask for advice, it goes downhill quickly.
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Old 17-12-2016, 23:52
striing
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Should we go as far as to suggest and advise (as opposed to silence which would be illiberal and anti-free speech) all single men should not broadcast the fact they are single online or ask for relationship and dating advice online - because of such situations as discussed in this thread? Because whenever a man's single status is mentioned or they ask for advice, it goes downhill quickly.
There's a big difference between a) asking for advice and b) posting your real full name, photo, location, place of work, mode of transport, and pretty stalkery details about one specific woman online. Trying to explain the difference to teenagers is a daily struggle in schools, and no doubt for many parents as well. I love the internet for the ability to have information in seconds but it's easy to see how it can quickly become risky/dangerous.
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Old 18-12-2016, 00:09
eluf38
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Should we go as far as to suggest and advise (as opposed to silence which would be illiberal and anti-free speech) all single men should not broadcast the fact they are single online or ask for relationship and dating advice online - because of such situations as discussed in this thread? Because whenever a man's single status is mentioned or they ask for advice, it goes downhill quickly.
Don't try to make this a thread about how men are victimised and women are the problem.

The OP knows he has a problem with social interaction and has been given advice. Had he been Daughter of Purple you can bet that exactly the same advice would be given.

Now retford I'm not going to bother replying to any more of your posts because I know what your response will b- a garbled, illogical rant which seeks to blame woman for all of society's ills. You use political terms to try and disguise your blatant misogyny. You're a rape apologist under the guise of 'protecting free speech's or other crap. Don't deny it - you once told me that accepting a cup of coffee could be construed as implied sexual consent. You are so twisted on your thinking it's pointless arguing with you. You disgust me.

OP, you may be a little intense but as long as you avoid turning into the retford you will be okay. Don't take any advice from him - based on his posting history he will probably try to tell you that sitting next to her at the Christmas party is an invitation for sex. He is a clear example of someone who can really creep women out.
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Old 18-12-2016, 00:17
scottie2121
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Should we go as far as to suggest and advise (as opposed to silence which would be illiberal and anti-free speech) all single men should not broadcast the fact they are single online or ask for relationship and dating advice online - because of such situations as discussed in this thread? Because whenever a man's single status is mentioned or they ask for advice, it goes downhill quickly.
No.

And it's not accurate to say "whenever a man's single status is mentioned or they ask for advice, it goes downhill quickly".
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Old 18-12-2016, 00:48
owllover
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Such kind, supportive, intelligent answers.

I'm old but not dead yet. It warms my heart to see your responce.

Is he real?
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Old 18-12-2016, 03:04
SonOfPurple
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Goodness me. This all (along with the Twitter posting) comes across as incredibly creepy. I know you don't mean it to come across that way at all, but it is how it reads and likely how the situation seems to the woman in question. And it's not just to woman, I think most men would be running for the hills too if a woman was acting like this.

You also seem to have posted 10 updates on Twitter while you were at your Christmas party, including one about the girl you're trying to impress liking another guy. Do your colleagues know your Twitter?
They're aware I have it, but far as can be ascertained none of 'em follow me on there as at time of writing. I'm told most of that lot prefer to communicate on Facebook, a network which I haven't yet succumbed to...

Over the years I've often (though not exclusively) used Twitter as a vehicle to vent about the situation I'm in right at that moment, a kind of sounding-board for the panic-station, though that does make the risk of some of my missives being rendered irrelevant by subsequent developments. Certainly a lot of what I post online reflects how I'm feeling at the moment of content generation and may not reflect my current beliefs today...

Please take this as a kind suggestion Dominic, I think you are in danger of getting into unnecessary trouble with your oversharing of information on twitter. If the woman you like sees the constant barrage of references about her that you make, she could understandably find it quite alarming.

Please be careful.
Agreed. I do not think it is the intention at all.

But if I saw this stuff about me written by a colleague (it wouldn't be hard for her to then also find this thread as OP uses the same name here as for his Twitter) it would be definitely be alarming.

Also, while we are on the Twitter subject, OP I think you really should take your pinned post down - "I'd like to be the kind of sweet, polite guy who treats ladies with respect, does nice things to make girls feel happy, beautiful, confident" - It shouldn't be the most important aspect of your twitter and I don't think it would have the effect you want it to.
''Tis true Dominic.

You are coming across very desperate and if you are as sweet as you sound, no need to broadcast it. Be your natural self but in perhaps less of a public way.

Good luck
It would put me off even if I had previously actually quite fancied him - if I had made it obvious (and he had even acknowledged that I had done so) that I wasn't interested, then I would probably be very annoyed and embarrassed. I would not be happy with a work colleague or anybody else discussing me in such terms all over the internet.
I've tried to maintain a degree of decorum in dealing with this case - deliberately avoiding posting identifiable details such as her name and photo online without permission (though as stated above, I've no overriding reason to conceal my own identity). However, I am aware that if she does stumble into this dossier of bumph (and I've had no indication DS is something she's aware of), that she may feel I've stepped somewhat out of turn. I guess my emotions at the time I made the opening post were still a little in flux - I'd hoped that the party would be a rare opportunity to sit and have a proper conversation with the lady in question and find out exactly where the land lies: having ultimately not had that opportunity, I needed some way to unburden my feelings, hence turning to DS to try and untangle me. I was muddled: having met the girl who ticks pretty much every single one of my boxes, had to spend the evening watching her make pretty-eye at t'other feller rather than with me, and yet I value her happiness above all else to the extent of leaping atop their laps and honouring them as my new favourite couple by way of a misguided selfie. It's fair to say my approach could've been better. Haven't actually seen her at work since the party as my shifts have gone back to being a bit pin-in-the-map again, but hopefully I'll get a chance to clear the air and make things right soon enough.

As to posting on the web, well I've nowhere else to go! I'm aware that I'm taking something which could perhaps have been sorted out with more dignity quietly between colleagues and dredging it out into a globally-accessible drama, but as I don't have many friends outside work, I now tend to throw myself upon the kindness (or otherwise) of the net when I have an issue needing resolution. It's not ideal, I grant, but it's what I have available.

OP I'll just respond to your reply to my first comment, seeing as you were kind enough to answer it directly. You've had a lot of excellent advice on here, but I can't be bothered to single out individual posts - there are too many. Here goes...

I'd love to know how a literate, educated, motivated and obviously kind-hearted person can have 'only failings'? Don't measure your worth by your value to other people. I know it can be easy to catastrophise and always look at the negative - it's something I used to do to myself. You have to challege that stream of negativity.
An example - my little one is currently undergoing the 'terrible twos'. Sometimes, after an epic tantarum I find myself saying 'I'm a useless Mum.' Then I think, hold on... she's clean, clothed, surrounded by books and toys, she's warm and safe, and even if she doesn't want to eat, she has access to food and drink. A useless or neglectful Mum wouldn't manage half of that. Chin up and carry on.
You have to look at the bright side. Constantly. And don't broadcast your perceived failings.

As to being 'open and honest' - it's good that you're an honest person, and that you don't want to offend. But you can't control how other people interpret your outpourings. Nearly every person on here has warned you that sharing such personal information online a) makes you sound too intense and needy and frankly, a little little like a stalker. b) leaves you open to abuse or manipulation by an unscrupulous person.

If everybody on this thread has warned you against sharing so much of yourself online perhaps, just perhaps, we may all be right?
Really good advice here - Very similar to how CBT therapy is done, and is probably (in my experience too) the most helpful way of controlling negative thoughts and feelings.

There has been some really decent advice on this thread, OP. I really hope you take it in, although I know it might be difficult at first.
I'm willing to listen for advice, 's why I posted on this board in the first place! It's often been the case that negativity has been at the forefront of my thoughts, and to understand why, you'll need to come back through my "wilderness years" with me. Having lost my first permanent paid job - through no real misconduct of my own, as I was eager and willing, honest and loyal throughout, they just took a bit of a dislike to me for whatever long-lost reason - I then entered an interregnum where I was slung between various short-term/part-time posts and Jobcentre-backed courses and placements, some more successful and worthwhile than others. Bur I was never getting my feet into anything really permanent and solid despite backbreaking volumes of applications being made. I absolutely threw myself into the job hunt, pushing my health, social life, and potentially interesting projects which weren't paid (such as involvement in community radio) aside in favour of this dogged pursuit of a job goal I seemed destined not to achieve despite the masses of effort I put in. Add to this the quite bitter environment at home in the wake of my parents' split (my poor career record leaving me well short of the budget for my own place) and the fact that, because I was meeting people only briefly and often in a formal work/interview environment rather than through anything fun/social, I didn't really have all that many folk I could tap as a friend or foresee as a potential partner. I was seeing romance everywhere from the street to the screen, but receiving little to no comfort of my own. Amid this backdrop, I began blogging, initially on MySpace and now every so often via WordPress, and in 2009 joined Twitter, initially to bombard the nation with links to Katie Piper's documentary on 4oD (as was), but subsequently to use as a way to seek out the likeminded (fellow pro-6 Music campaigners for one) and to rage at my immediate traumas, from delayed buses that cost me interview success to my rage at the tawdry antics of reality show participants (I soon learned to avoid Twitter and DS during Big Brother and X Factor, so as to avoid getting wound up by people who needn't have impacted on my life.) I guess I came to use the net as a friend with many faces, forgetting in time that things one tells the wider web may not be treated with the same level of confidence as something muttered to a ground-level chum.

I do try and stay streetwise to scams, mind. Back on the old MySpace I once received a baffling DM from someone claiming to be Katie Piper's mother, which gave me the chill until I got a very similar message - shorn of Piper references but otherwise along similar ground - from a never-before-heard-from J. Random Somebody out in darkest Africa. Consider the penny dropped. On Twitter I'm unlikely to follow someone whose timelines are clogged with links, clickbait ans marketing spam.

Sadly this girl probably does notice the attention but is after something less serious. This girl isn't for you as you seem the calm settle down with someone serious type, therefore you're probably better off with someone who compliments you (has attributes you don't have and vice-versa)so maybe someone highly strung who needs reassurance but not this gentle maiden of your dreams.
I do harbour dreams of romance, of finding the person I can see the smile of first thing in the morning and snuggle up on the couch/bench with of an evening, and were I in any fit state to father kids I've even picked out names (Carlton for a boy, Piper for a girl). But I know these things can all come later in the fullness of time: just right now I'm on the opening rung, looking for the tolerant and pleasant young woman who'd be willing to participate in a relationship and allow me to show her the love I can give. It's true that I won't be a wealthy lover, so gold-diggers need not apply, but if a lady's looking for affection she can have it in triplicate. The danger? I don't know quite what my dreamgirl colleague is looking for. She's young - well, younger than me, though not by ridiculous degree - and she may be looking for something hipper, fresher, more virile and with more potential at his feet than I. I'll just have to wash this missed chance out of my head and accept that one day there may be another out there who meets my needs, even though it'll be damn near impossible to find her! But I do deffo want to meet a girl who's sweet, charming, natural, warm, kind, down-to-earth and genuinely pretty, 'cos that's my jam!

There's a big difference between a) asking for advice and b) posting your real full name, photo, location, place of work, mode of transport, and pretty stalkery details about one specific woman online. Trying to explain the difference to teenagers is a daily struggle in schools, and no doubt for many parents as well. I love the internet for the ability to have information in seconds but it's easy to see how it can quickly become risky/dangerous.
I've tried not to be overly revealing - kept specific names (bar my own), addresses and such away from the general conversation, and not posting anything I don't have the go-ahead to post or which would be unwise (confidential store info; banking gubbins; my idol girl's name/photo). I don't have a Keith Lemon/Ali G alternate persona to deflect attention from the actual me, SonOfPurple is a screen name and nothing more, it's all the same guy. The only distinction is that in person I find it difficult to start and sustain conversation, whereas online it's easier for me to just babble on. It's taken two hours to tap out all these responses letter-by-letter on this diddy touchscreen...

Such kind, supportive, intelligent answers.

I'm old but not dead yet. It warms my heart to see your responce.

Is he real?
Oh I'm real. Been on here three years, albeit mostly bleating on about Bauer Radio and COM7 and DAB and so forth in the media fora - this my first venture into Advice has garnered easily the biggest response to anything I've yet posted on DS, not that I'm really counting...
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Old 18-12-2016, 05:09
ohglobbits
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I do harbour dreams of romance, of finding the person I can see the smile of first thing in the morning and snuggle up on the couch/bench with of an evening, and were I in any fit state to father kids I've even picked out names (Carlton for a boy, Piper for a girl). But I know these things can all come later in the fullness of time: just right now I'm on the opening rung, looking for the tolerant and pleasant young woman who'd be willing to participate in a relationship and allow me to show her the love I can give. It's true that I won't be a wealthy lover, so gold-diggers need not apply, but if a lady's looking for affection she can have it in triplicate. The danger? I don't know quite what my dreamgirl colleague is looking for. She's young - well, younger than me, though not by ridiculous degree - and she may be looking for something hipper, fresher, more virile and with more potential at his feet than I. I'll just have to wash this missed chance out of my head and accept that one day there may be another out there who meets my needs, even though it'll be damn near impossible to find her! But I do deffo want to meet a girl who's sweet, charming, natural, warm, kind, down-to-earth and genuinely pretty, 'cos that's my jam!
I don't know if your kind of girl exists in real life but I'd just warn you that the 'perfect' girl often will be the kind who wants fun, no strings attached relationships, dancing in clubs, living for the present, perhaps not somebody who wants the burden of a heavy relationship. Where-as I think you would probably attract the assertive kind of woman who will be the 'mother' in the relationship and order you about or help you find your way, however you want to put it.

Remember that the partner should complement the other so if you're not particularily assertive, you'd probably be better off finding someone who is because someone has to 'lead' in the relationship.
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Old 18-12-2016, 11:25
Carbon Products
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I think you should take people's advice here about oversharing. Just because your colleagues don't follow you on twitter doesn't mean they aren't keeping an eye on what you're posting and relaying this to the woman in question. How would you feel if you became aware that a colleague was posting things about you?

I've had experience of something similar where a man was besotted with a classmate in college, posted stuff about her online (which everyone including college staff was aware of) and it escalated to the point of involving police so I would strongly strongly suggest you stop posting about her on twitter and write it in a diary instead where no one else will see.

You say you have no issue with revealing your real name online but that is such a silly thing to do. Please bear in mind that your twitter feed can be used as evidence if your behaviour does escalate.

Also, you need to stop putting women on pedastals. We are human beings perfectly capable of looking after ourselves and making our own decisions. We don't need knights in shining armour to 'save' us and we certainly don't need love sick puppies 'being happy' for us if we choose to enter a relationship with someone who isn't them. It's harsh but true.
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Old 18-12-2016, 11:27
Bex_123
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As to posting on the web, well I've nowhere else to go! I'm aware that I'm taking something which could perhaps have been sorted out with more dignity quietly between colleagues and dredging it out into a globally-accessible drama, but as I don't have many friends outside work, I now tend to throw myself upon the kindness (or otherwise) of the net when I have an issue needing resolution. It's not ideal, I grant, but it's what I have available.
Hi, I wasn't saying there is anything wrong with posting on the net, or asking advice on the net (we all do it here! ) but rather you just need to be careful as you link your DS to your Twitter which is public and has your real full name and photos on it. And also, it means anyone who knows your Twitter handle can read your posts on forums, such as your colleagues if they were inclined.
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Old 18-12-2016, 11:32
tghe-retford
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There's a big difference between a) asking for advice and b) posting your real full name, photo, location, place of work, mode of transport, and pretty stalkery details about one specific woman online. Trying to explain the difference to teenagers is a daily struggle in schools, and no doubt for many parents as well. I love the internet for the ability to have information in seconds but it's easy to see how it can quickly become risky/dangerous.
I've not seen anywhere where the OP or anyone else has doxed the woman involved or any other person for that matter. A person has asked for advice on what appears to be unrequited love and is being creep shamed - and everytime a thread like this where a man mentions his martial status, it goes downhill - hence my question.
Don't try to make this a thread about how men are victimised and women are the problem.

The OP knows he has a problem with social interaction and has been given advice. Had he been Daughter of Purple you can bet that exactly the same advice would be given.

Now retford I'm not going to bother replying to any more of your posts because I know what your response will b- a garbled, illogical rant which seeks to blame woman for all of society's ills. You use political terms to try and disguise your blatant misogyny. You're a rape apologist under the guise of 'protecting free speech's or other crap. Don't deny it - you once told me that accepting a cup of coffee could be construed as implied sexual consent. You are so twisted on your thinking it's pointless arguing with you. You disgust me.

OP, you may be a little intense but as long as you avoid turning into the retford you will be okay. Don't take any advice from him - based on his posting history he will probably try to tell you that sitting next to her at the Christmas party is an invitation for sex. He is a clear example of someone who can really creep women out.
The advice he has been given is to not interact online regarding his current status. Something I would advise to single men because it can go downhill.

Also, any suggestion that anyone is a sexual predator is defamation - and if you think anyone is being like that, your local Police force might want to be told.
No.

And it's not accurate to say "whenever a man's single status is mentioned or they ask for advice, it goes downhill quickly".
Actually, its very accurate. I've been here for over ten years and the same circumstances repeat themselves, it just becomes a negative vicious circle and isn't helpful for the individual asking for advice. They'd do better seeking help offline from friends, family, therapists and so forth where they can help themselves because the Internet can be brutal in its judgement of individuals and even more so for single men.
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Old 18-12-2016, 11:45
stoatie
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Should we go as far as to suggest and advise (as opposed to silence which would be illiberal and anti-free speech) all single men should not broadcast the fact they are single online or ask for relationship and dating advice online - because of such situations as discussed in this thread? Because whenever a man's single status is mentioned or they ask for advice, it goes downhill quickly.
Dear God, man...
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Old 18-12-2016, 11:58
Bex_123
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I've not seen anywhere where the OP or anyone else has doxed the woman involved or any other person for that matter. A person has asked for advice on what appears to be unrequited love and is being creep shamed
No, he is being told that he is likely coming across as creepy to this colleague because of his actions. Not because he is single or has unrequired love.

He is not being "creep shamed" in that I don't think anyone here believes the OP means to come across like this, and he has nothing to be ashamed about whatsoever. But it is an advice forum and one of his questions was how he could find requited love. So people have advised changing his behaviour a little as this might be something which is resulting in his current situation.

OP states in his blog that he offered this colleague a backrub, and also hinted to her that an outfit she was wearing was not suitable and ill fitting (resulting in her not wearing it after this). I do not think it is outrageous for people to state that his actions at worst might be considered somewhat 'creepy' and innapropriate from the woman's point of view, and at best still likely to reduce his chances of dating her.
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Old 18-12-2016, 12:14
Babe Rainbow
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.....

I've tried to maintain a degree of decorum in dealing with this case - deliberately avoiding posting identifiable details such as her name and photo online without permission (though as stated above, I've no overriding reason to conceal my own identity). However, I am aware that if she does stumble into this dossier of bumph (and I've had no indication DS is something she's aware of), that she may feel I've stepped somewhat out of turn.

Thing is though - the fact that YOU are identifiable means that so is she.

And you might not mind that the whole world knows about your issues but surely there is no reason that it is essential for all to know your own identity. You could easily post all this stuff ( and I can see that it may be a catharsis for you, and that is not a bad thing ) under a nom de plume.

You say you care deeply about her but you seem to be remarkably cavalier about the suggestion that she may not want to be known as the object of such obsessive desire.
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Old 18-12-2016, 12:24
james_lndsay
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This is gonna be a bit lengthy but bear with me, trying to get my own feelings straight on this issue and could use the third party support/opinion. Here goes:

So as you may be aware from other threads, I'm interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with a charming, attractive female colleague. There's nothing in our lawbook preventing coworkers hooking up, indeed several such couples already exist. I genuinely adore this lady, she's sweet and smart and very beautiful (even if she herself thinks otherwise) and I would love nothing more than to cradle her in my feeble arms and make her feel loved and special. This gorgeous girl makes the day so much brighter and I want to offer upon her the love, affection and respect I am absolutely keen to give. I would absolutely shower her with adoration if ever the chance came. I've tried to be careful not to push too far and cause her difficulty, but with this restraint in mind I'm running out of ideas for ways to make my feelings clear, given I can't exactly control what order words come out of my mouth when I'm around her!

Sadly, whilst she has taken my affections in good grace and appears to recognise that I only have best intentions at heart, it's become increasingly clear that any efforts I make are for naught and ahw bears little interest in taking our relationship any further. As you may have seen if you follow me on Twitter, last night it was the company's Christmas pub bash, and the girl in question was in attendance - indeed this was the first night out the two of us had both been onsince last year's work do, given she was unable, purportedly for entirely legit-seeming reasons, to attend either of the nights out I put on in between. And the apple o' my eye spent most of the night talking with another guy! Obviously a fellow member of the firm - which means the dreamgirl doesn't have a problem dating colleagues - he's not someone I'd taken much heed of previously (he works in a different area and apparently rarely frequents my sub-basement stock floor) but on the basis of last night he comes across as a decent enough bloke - there's even a photo (which I haven't put online) of the three of us together, me sat on their laps somehow looking like I'd been clipped from another shot and photoshopped in over the top of a date-night snap! And I know that this fella is far more up our girl's street than I'd ever be - he's an Adonis compared to myself, a sleek and healthy man compared to my pallid and crumpled appearance. He's still got frickin' teeth! And although I can't vouch for what he's like behind a closed door, in the crucible of the party the good lady seemed thrilled to be in his company.

So here's the thing. I want her to be happy. Even if not with me. Nothing is more important to me than her happiness and confidence. I want this girl to feel like the most special, beautiful creature on Planet Earth. I want the lady to feel safe, respected, happy and confident in herself. And if this rare feller does all that for her, that's all to the good, and I won't stand in their way like the scrawny kid from an 80s movie (and hooboy have I ever seen a lot of them! ) I would say that "if he wrongs her, I'd sort him out", but that's a fight I'm destined not to win (and anyway, I'm a lover not a fighter. Well, technically neither...) The girl's feelings are what I care about now, more important than even my own. TVTropes calls it "I Want My Beloved To Be Happy". And I do. Rejection is no surprise to me: I was getting turned down by classmates I sought to date a good 25 years back, and virtually every employer I've applied to bar my current one has knocked me to the work kerb.

But then I turn to wonder: where's my romance? I've seen a lot of love stories where a chap seeks to win fair maiden - from the John Hughes ilk of the late 20th century, through to Disney tales (Lady and the Tramp, Aladdin, Tangled being the obvious ones). And I see romance on the streets day in day out - guys protectively hugging their girlfriend that little tighter as I come past, even though I quite clearly pose precious little threat. I need love in my life, without the warmth of a good woman I have to return forlornly to the homestead and cuddle my mermaid (not a euphemism; I have an actual mermaid doll, as seen recently on Instagram.) It seems love is something desired by me but designed only for others.

I don't have a circle of friends outside work, at least not that I see physically. I have online chums o'course, and some have risen above the call of duty (one superkind pair even supplying the very phone I'm slowly tapping this out with now!) But they're dotted all over London, the current UK and the globe, so a trip on the south-east's tiles may not be feasible for all. But meeting people online is easy compared to the daunting task of meeting in person.

I'm not, as you'll have gathered, the most popular, successful or attractive guy. My wider body of colleagues, whilst happy enough to tolerate my presence in the workgroup and at company events (and a handful even turned out for nights I set in train, for which I'm massively grateful) don't seem hugely keen to have me penetrate their broader social circle and rarely invite me to spend time in their close quarters. Maybe it's because of my health - internal problems which long predate my involvement with the firm have left me cramped, unwell and not pleasant to stand upwind of. (They don't get in the way of doing the actual job, though.) I put looking after myself way away on the back-burner whilst out of work, and now it hella shows - nobody would describe me as a popular man, 'he exists' is probably the best I can hope for! So summat like Yellow would be manna from gods? Er, nah. Only met a few genuine actual people through that, been quite a chore to dispense with all the camsex girls once their true intentions become known... I don't want to pay some underfunded harlot to perform for me, I want real, genuine personal connection!

I guess the point of this hour is to ask you the DS nation these questions:
- How do I move forward knowing the girl I adore has snubbed my genuine affections and chosen someone who even I believe is the better man?
- How do I find the girl who'll tolerate my many flaws and problems, and let me hold her tight such as to proffer the sweet kind love which I know full well I could proctor given the chance?
- How can I be more sociable when my personality is let badly down by my very poorly-received physical form?
- Or do I just give up, and carry on much as now: carrying on my work and remaining civil with colleagues, before returning home to the bitterness and resentment of home with nary but a mermaid for jolly company?

Thanks for your time. Needed to get this off my chest and was far too rambling to put anywhere else! At least on DS someone may hear my wails!
People get knock backs in life all the time, chalk it up as a loss and move on.

Sadly this time you are not getting your hole.
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Old 18-12-2016, 12:55
eggchen
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OP, let me get this right.

By your own admission you are a dreaming, self-pitying, doubled over ugly bloke with no teeth and flatulence issues, who works in a basement and sleeps with a mermaid doll?

I'd say your chances are good.
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Old 18-12-2016, 13:00
vierte
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OP, let me get this right.

By your own admission you are a dreaming, self-pitying, doubled over ugly bloke with no teeth and flatulence issues, who works in a basement and sleeps with a mermaid doll?

I'd say your chances are good.
He doesn't actually look the way he describes himself imo
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Old 18-12-2016, 13:04
scottie2121
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I've not seen anywhere where the OP or anyone else has doxed the woman involved or any other person for that matter. A person has asked for advice on what appears to be unrequited love and is being creep shamed - and everytime a thread like this where a man mentions his martial status, it goes downhill - hence my question.

The advice he has been given is to not interact online regarding his current status. Something I would advise to single men because it can go downhill.

Also, any suggestion that anyone is a sexual predator is defamation - and if you think anyone is being like that, your local Police force might want to be told.

Actually, its very accurate. I've been here for over ten years and the same circumstances repeat themselves, it just becomes a negative vicious circle and isn't helpful for the individual asking for advice. They'd do better seeking help offline from friends, family, therapists and so forth where they can help themselves because the Internet can be brutal in its judgement of individuals and even more so for single men.
So all negative in your opinion. No positives at all?

Sorry but you've proved over and over again that your grasp of reality and what happens outside of youtube videos is tenuous to say the least. The guy has asked for advice and he's getting a very broad spectrum of views and it's for him to decide what he takes from them. That's how advice threads work. Sure, there are always going to be good and not so good points of view but that's the nature of an advice thread.

Not everyone else sees things from the point of a victim of a cruel world that wants to send you to court for holding a door open for a woman or asking for a date. In your world that's your truth. Embrace it if you like but try and have a bit of insight and realise your views are your views and are demonstrably way out of line with those of the majority of people.

As for creep shaming, are you suggesting the OP is a creep?

What I have seen are some suggestions which say his attitude and views shared on social media could come across as creepy. That's something which is well worth pointing out to the OP and is very relevant IMO. Do you disagree?

Finally, what's your advice for the OP?
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Old 18-12-2016, 13:11
russellelly
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I think you should take people's advice here about oversharing. Just because your colleagues don't follow you on twitter doesn't mean they aren't keeping an eye on what you're posting and relaying this to the woman in question. How would you feel if you became aware that a colleague was posting things about you?

...

Also, you need to stop putting women on pedastals. We are human beings perfectly capable of looking after ourselves and making our own decisions. We don't need knights in shining armour to 'save' us and we certainly don't need love sick puppies 'being happy' for us if we choose to enter a relationship with someone who isn't them. It's harsh but true.
The consequences of someone from work finding your Twitter wouldn't be good for you - you could easily become a laughing stock or find yourself with a trip to HR. There's nothing wrong with having a crush on a colleague (we've all been there), but the way you're expressing it (especially online) isn't OK (even if your intentions are not malicious).

As for the second point, this is spot on. Life isn't a Disney film, and perhaps you need a little reality check. She's just a human, she's got flaws like us all and seems quite capable of life without a prince.

Finally, if you want to meet people socially outside of work, have you considered meetup.com ? Or, as stated elsewhere in the thread, some kind of Aspergers support group could be a good way to go. Best of luck.
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Old 18-12-2016, 15:05
PoppySeed
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I got to as far as the bit where you were sat on the couple's laps before realising this is a joke.

This is a joke, right?
I got as far as 'cradle her in my feeble arms' so you did better than me.
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Old 18-12-2016, 15:06
Keyser_Soze1
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OP.

Unrequited love is a deeply painful and soul destroying experience, unfortunately most people go through it at least once in their lives, (sometimes many times).

But that is not the problem here.

It is your actions towards the object of your affection which seem very inappropriate to say the least - as many people have said on this thread.

So try and think about your behaviour in future, take onboard the advice that you have been given and also reduce your time on Twitter.

I wish you all the best.
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Old 18-12-2016, 16:54
striing
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I've tried not to be overly revealing - kept specific names (bar my own), addresses and such away from the general conversation, and not posting anything I don't have the go-ahead to post or which would be unwise
You haven't OP, you've made yourself entirely identifiable and, as someone else has pointed out, this means that you have also made the woman identifiable to your employer and colleagues. You have already said you lost a previous job through a misunderstanding about your behaviour - you might want to think about that in relation to how your current behaviour is or could be perceived.
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Old 18-12-2016, 18:37
tghe-retford
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So all negative in your opinion. No positives at all?

Sorry but you've proved over and over again that your grasp of reality and what happens outside of youtube videos is tenuous to say the least. The guy has asked for advice and he's getting a very broad spectrum of views and it's for him to decide what he takes from them. That's how advice threads work. Sure, there are always going to be good and not so good points of view but that's the nature of an advice thread.

Not everyone else sees things from the point of a victim of a cruel world that wants to send you to court for holding a door open for a woman or asking for a date. In your world that's your truth. Embrace it if you like but try and have a bit of insight and realise your views are your views and are demonstrably way out of line with those of the majority of people.

As for creep shaming, are you suggesting the OP is a creep?

What I have seen are some suggestions which say his attitude and views shared on social media could come across as creepy. That's something which is well worth pointing out to the OP and is very relevant IMO. Do you disagree?

Finally, what's your advice for the OP?
Tu quoque. Have you listened to what people say in these YouTube videos and actually debated them with a clear and open mind? And I like how you've tried to make me say something I never did and that other people have done.

I think I explained my position earlier but will repeat it for anyone who still doesn't understand - it is unwise for single men to air their personal problems online when it relates to their martial status as it can invite unnecessary and negative rhetoric against that individual - better to speak of these things offline with trusted individuals as opposed to complete strangers and also better to focus on your own life, interests and happiness instead of putting women on a pedestal and seeing women as the sole aim for someone else's happiness - the latter never works.
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Old 18-12-2016, 21:58
scottie2121
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Tu quoque. Have you listened to what people say in these YouTube videos and actually debated them with a clear and open mind? And I like how you've tried to make me say something I never did and that other people have done.
I have far better things to do than watch obscure youtube videos and like them. The world outside the front door is far more interesting and healthy. So no, I'm not interested in what a bear, for example, has to say about women. And I have no desire whatsoever to give any of my time debating issues that are divorced from the real world.

Did you not say, or imply, that a man could be charged by the police if he held a door open for a woman. I'm sure you did.

Anyone airing a view on a forum leaves themselves open to being challenged or disagreed with. Some people are challenged and/or disagreed with more often than others. That's the nature of forums.

I hope the OP has found the contributions on this thread useful.
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Old 18-12-2016, 22:48
SonOfPurple
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I think you should take people's advice here about oversharing. Just because your colleagues don't follow you on twitter doesn't mean they aren't keeping an eye on what you're posting and relaying this to the woman in question. How would you feel if you became aware that a colleague was posting things about you?

I've had experience of something similar where a man was besotted with a classmate in college, posted stuff about her online (which everyone including college staff was aware of) and it escalated to the point of involving police so I would strongly strongly suggest you stop posting about her on twitter and write it in a diary instead where no one else will see.

You say you have no issue with revealing your real name online but that is such a silly thing to do. Please bear in mind that your twitter feed can be used as evidence if your behaviour does escalate.

Also, you need to stop putting women on pedastals. We are human beings perfectly capable of looking after ourselves and making our own decisions. We don't need knights in shining armour to 'save' us and we certainly don't need love sick puppies 'being happy' for us if we choose to enter a relationship with someone who isn't them. It's harsh but true.
Hi, I wasn't saying there is anything wrong with posting on the net, or asking advice on the net (we all do it here! ) but rather you just need to be careful as you link your DS to your Twitter which is public and has your real full name and photos on it. And also, it means anyone who knows your Twitter handle can read your posts on forums, such as your colleagues if they were inclined.
Thing is though - the fact that YOU are identifiable means that so is she.

And you might not mind that the whole world knows about your issues but surely there is no reason that it is essential for all to know your own identity. You could easily post all this stuff ( and I can see that it may be a catharsis for you, and that is not a bad thing ) under a nom de plume.

You say you care deeply about her but you seem to be remarkably cavalier about the suggestion that she may not want to be known as the object of such obsessive desire.
The consequences of someone from work finding your Twitter wouldn't be good for you - you could easily become a laughing stock or find yourself with a trip to HR. There's nothing wrong with having a crush on a colleague (we've all been there), but the way you're expressing it (especially online) isn't OK (even if your intentions are not malicious).

As for the second point, this is spot on. Life isn't a Disney film, and perhaps you need a little reality check. She's just a human, she's got flaws like us all and seems quite capable of life without a prince.

Finally, if you want to meet people socially outside of work, have you considered meetup.com ? Or, as stated elsewhere in the thread, some kind of Aspergers support group could be a good way to go. Best of luck.
OP.

Unrequited love is a deeply painful and soul destroying experience, unfortunately most people go through it at least once in their lives, (sometimes many times).

But that is not the problem here.

It is your actions towards the object of your affection which seem very inappropriate to say the least - as many people have said on this thread.

So try and think about your behaviour in future, take onboard the advice that you have been given and also reduce your time on Twitter.

I wish you all the best.
You haven't OP, you've made yourself entirely identifiable and, as someone else has pointed out, this means that you have also made the woman identifiable to your employer and colleagues. You have already said you lost a previous job through a misunderstanding about your behaviour - you might want to think about that in relation to how your current behaviour is or could be perceived.
Well that escalated - I certainly didn't intend to become a danger, and there's certainly no need to get the police or HR team involved - indeed I've deliberately tried to keep my affections civil, I certainly don't plan to devolve to the deranged ramblings of a dangerous stalker. My intentions are only of kindness. The stumbling block is that I don't yet know for certain how the person involved actually feels about me - if she wanted me to back away I would do, I have no intention of making her feel worried or scared. Quite the opposite in fact.

As to whether I'd want another talking about me online, I was until now relatively relaxed as I've often said worse about myself! If anything, if someone was enthusing profusely about me I'd be more baffled than shocked! But I can see how the good lady could feel a little upset and put-out by my compliments and affections toward her; she's taken everything in good grace so far, but I do accept that if I keep prodding away, however politely, I may ultimately find the point that breaks the camel's back. So I'm being careful not to overload the issue.

Given the general consensus here that my affection is creepy and obsessive, I am though somewhat worried about how I come across to people - I've tried several times now to explain my feelings here and have seemingly only dug myself deeper, and I have to admit some of the things said have left me rather shellshocked and upset - the last thing I'd want is for people to think I'm a vile, grubby sleaze. That's not who I am at all. I just wanted to try to be a gentleman! I was unfortunate to fall so rapidly for someone, and became a little too tied to the idea of mutual happiness - finally being happy myself after years of gloom , at last with someone to give my affection to, and in turn making this person happy by being loving and affectionate toward her and boosting her confidence. But of course, as I've been aware since the get-go, it's not gonna work if the lady doesn't feel the same about me as I do about her. And that's the one stumbling block - there's not yet been a definitive answer as to whether I'd ever be considered worthy. I guess I'll have to hold my tongue until I know better where I stand. I genuinely don't want to hurt anyone.

And to clarify - I didn't lose my earlier job because of circumstances and behaviour akin to the current situation. I was let go during the initial trial period all the new staff (we were all new, it was a new store) were undertaking; they were, unlike my current employer, not willing to give me a chance to prove myself. Back then I wasn't crushing on a colleague. Didn't have the confidence to!

OP states in his blog that he offered this colleague a backrub, and also hinted to her that an outfit she was wearing was not suitable and ill fitting (resulting in her not wearing it after this). I do not think it is outrageous for people to state that his actions at worst might be considered somewhat 'creepy' and innapropriate from the woman's point of view, and at best still likely to reduce his chances of dating her.
A clarification needed here. The backrub was an act of kindness offered (and not refused) in response to the lady in question indicating tiredness; and you've got the outfit situation arse-backwards: it was the lady herself who expressed misgivings about the new outfit that she'd been invited to wear by someone higher-up, and I and other colleagues clearly could tell that the shirt was ill-fitting, uncomfortable for her to wear and not suitable for purpose. I suggested that she raise the issue with her direct management so as she be permitted to wear something else in which she felt more capable and confident, and which was more suitable for the job, and this was accepted. At no point did I try to impose upon her to wear or not wear items of my own choosing.
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