DS Forums

 
 

Relationships/colleagues - am I the problem?


Reply
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 18-12-2016, 23:55
eluf38
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,335
OP, the solution is so simple - you are free to admire and adore this woman in the confines of your own head.

But please, stop writing about her and posting it on the internet where absolutley anybody can read it.

Try just keeping a personal journal to unburden your thoughts. Writing can be great at helping you make sense of the world, but you don't have to share your scribblings. Please listen to the advice being given, and accept that however good your intentions, you have nothing to gain and much to risk by sharing so much of yourself online.

It seems as though we're becoming stuck in a cycle. People advise you to be more circumspect; you feel that we've misinterpreted your intentions, defend yourself and keep stating over and over again that you mean no harm. The problem is that YOU can't control how others interpret you and your actions, and on most social media there isn't a two-way dialogue to enable you to satisfactorily explain yourself. If you don't like the idea of being misinterpreted by online strangers then the answer is to stop posting in such detail and to maintain a degree of anonymity.

My advice would be to get off DS / Twitter / Instagram and just focus on building real life relationships, without feeling the need to chronicle their development in prose. And stop deprecating yourself so publically. If you can't love and respect YOURSELF you'll have a hell of a job finding someone else who will. Be positive.
eluf38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Please sign in or register to remove this advertisement.
Old 19-12-2016, 00:18
striing
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 11,776
Well that escalated
It hasn't escalated. You were being told the same thing from page 1 but not getting the point. The advice to write in a journal that no one sees rather than online is a good one.
striing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-12-2016, 00:58
Toby LaRhone
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 9,201
This is gonna be a bit lengthy but bear with me, trying to get my own feelings straight on this issue and could use the third party support/opinion. Here goes:

So as you may be aware from other threads..........
As you may have seen if you follow me on Twitter..........
.
Needy.
Toby LaRhone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-12-2016, 01:13
stoatie
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: By the Skeleton Tree.
Posts: 56,603
And I like how you've tried to make me say something I never did and that other people have done.
Oh the irony. You get called a rape apologist for saying accepting an invitiation for a coffee is "implied consent" (which is, ESPECIALLY in the context of that thread, blatant rape apologism) and you go to Twitter to claim you've been called "the biggest sexual predator in the UK" and now you're claiming misrepresentation???

Jesus.

I'd say the absolute LAST thing SonOfPurple needs right now is your "advice".
stoatie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-12-2016, 03:05
annette kurten
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: dole office.
Posts: 35,068
Tu quoque. Have you listened to what people say in these YouTube videos and actually debated them with a clear and open mind? And I like how you've tried to make me say something I never did and that other people have done.

I think I explained my position earlier but will repeat it for anyone who still doesn't understand - it is unwise for single men to air their personal problems online when it relates to their martial status as it can invite unnecessary and negative rhetoric against that individual - better to speak of these things offline with trusted individuals as opposed to complete strangers and also better to focus on your own life, interests and happiness instead of putting women on a pedestal and seeing women as the sole aim for someone else's happiness - the latter never works.
coming onto a thread on advice to troll so you can post something about YOU on twitter is disgusting, it`s creepy enough when it`s from gd, but in advice? you have zero shame.

According to a moron on the forums I frequent, I am the biggest sexual predator in the UK because I disagree with their ideology. Kek

if it were about toe fungus or toothache it would not be so bad but to use this man`s deep emotional problems as a platform for your ridiculous beliefs is a step too far, even for you.
annette kurten is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-12-2016, 07:06
Mustabuster
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Woking, Surrey.
Posts: 3,587
OP, the solution is so simple - you are free to admire and adore this woman in the confines of your own head.

But please, stop writing about her and posting it on the internet where absolutley anybody can read it.

Try just keeping a personal journal to unburden your thoughts. Writing can be great at helping you make sense of the world, but you don't have to share your scribblings. Please listen to the advice being given, and accept that however good your intentions, you have nothing to gain and much to risk by sharing so much of yourself online.

It seems as though we're becoming stuck in a cycle. People advise you to be more circumspect; you feel that we've misinterpreted your intentions, defend yourself and keep stating over and over again that you mean no harm. The problem is that YOU can't control how others interpret you and your actions, and on most social media there isn't a two-way dialogue to enable you to satisfactorily explain yourself. If you don't like the idea of being misinterpreted by online strangers then the answer is to stop posting in such detail and to maintain a degree of anonymity.

My advice would be to get off DS / Twitter / Instagram and just focus on building real life relationships, without feeling the need to chronicle their development in prose. And stop deprecating yourself so publically. If you can't love and respect YOURSELF you'll have a hell of a job finding someone else who will. Be positive.
QFT. Listen to this. The important thing here is not your intentions which are i your head but the perception you are giving which is available for all to see and interpret. You've been told many times what the consensus of perception is. We're not trying to belittle you or your feelings but trying to suggest you conduct yourself in a more appropriate manner IRL.
Mustabuster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-12-2016, 08:26
eluf38
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,335
Oh the irony. You get called a rape apologist for saying accepting an invitiation for a coffee is "implied consent" (which is, ESPECIALLY in the context of that thread, blatant rape apologism) and you go to Twitter to claim you've been called "the biggest sexual predator in the UK" and now you're claiming misrepresentation???

Jesus.

I'd say the absolute LAST thing SonOfPurple needs right now is your "advice".
coming onto a thread on advice to troll so you can post something about YOU on twitter is disgusting, it`s creepy enough when it`s from gd, but in advice? you have zero shame.




if it were about toe fungus or toothache it would not be so bad but to use this man`s deep emotional problems as a platform for your ridiculous beliefs is a step too far, even for you.
Thanks for the heads up stoatie and annette, I'd missed that little rant. (Although looks as though everybody else did too.)

I assume I am the 'moron' in question, although I did not call him 'the biggest sexual predator in the UK'. And it wasn't his 'advice' on here which prompted my response, but his many previous posts on the thread about the college rapists which sought to blame women for getting raped. For someone who uses a lot of big, long words he really has a poor grasp of semantics... I mean, 'the biggest sexual predator in the uk', how did he even arrive at that conclusion? I fail to see why anybody in their right mind would give themselves that label and then go and post about it on twitter?

I agree annette, it is pathetic behaviour. We're here trying to help the OP and retford tries to hijack the thread for his own misogynistic agenda.

But as you all know I'm a big believer in turning a negative into a positive. So OP, use the retford as a perfect example of what NOT to do online. Don't publish your innermost thoughts online, especially if they're hateful or disturbing. Don't run squealing to twitter when somebody disagrees with you. Don't debase yourself. Certainly don't go as far as inventing slander in the hope that somebody will rush to your defense, because the odds are that for every ten people who scroll by and ignore your post, there will be one who thinks 'hmmm, no smoke without fire'. Why anybody would brand themselves 'the biggest sexual predator in the uk' and then share it on twitter is beyond me. There's only one moron here! And normally I'd say don't post your full name and photo on public social media accounts; but in this case retford's done us all a favour. We know what he looks like, we know his definition of 'consent' is hazy to say the least. If, perchance he offers to buy someone a cup of coffee, she knows to run the other way.

Anyway, I have a lot to do to get ready for Christmas. I think I need to get off the internet - far too much time on here and the Apprentice forums lately.
Son of Purple, I hope my advice is taken in the positive spirit in which it was meant. I've said it before, you seem like a good guy, just one who needs to keep a diary rather than a blog. Wishing you a happy and fulfilling 2017.
eluf38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-12-2016, 08:59
annette kurten
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: dole office.
Posts: 35,068
I agree annette, it is pathetic behaviour. We're here trying to help the OP and retford tries to hijack the thread for his own misogynistic agenda.
i really hate it in advice, it`s ok if it`s a light question about something simple like where to buy something and everyone has a joke or whatever but when it`s heavy duty stuff it derails the thread.


and on that note i`ll go back to reading only, any advice from me here is just repeating what others have said.
annette kurten is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-12-2016, 17:32
Pink_Smurf
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: London
Posts: 6,347
Son Of Purple I looked on your Twitter and blog and was pleasantly surprised how good looking you are. Much better than the way you have described yourself. I think you are quite shy so feel awkward in certain situations but I think if you met likeminded people you might come out of yourself more. I think you might enjoy a creative writing course or photography etc where you will meet people like yourself and will maybe make friends with like minded people. I do think you are putting women on a pedestal when really we are just people, just like you are. I think if you met people on for example a writing (or whatever you would enjoy) course you might have a better experience than with your work colleagues. I'm sorry to hear they're not very friendly. It's their loss as you seem like a nice bloke. I agree that talking about a woman online the way you have isn't a good idea. Never mind, you have but maybe not do so in the future. If there is something you would find interesting at a night class I really recommend it. You'll meet men and women who are maybe different to your work colleagues and might be more friendly.
Pink_Smurf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-12-2016, 17:41
mumbles26
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,777
Pink Smurf is right OP. I think you underestimate your looks. I'm sure very soon, you will be that special person for someone. Just don't try too hard eh?
mumbles26 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20-12-2016, 03:30
SonOfPurple
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: SE London
Posts: 796
Son Of Purple I looked on your Twitter and blog and was pleasantly surprised how good looking you are. Much better than the way you have described yourself. I think you are quite shy so feel awkward in certain situations but I think if you met likeminded people you might come out of yourself more. I think you might enjoy a creative writing course or photography etc where you will meet people like yourself and will maybe make friends with like minded people. I do think you are putting women on a pedestal when really we are just people, just like you are. I think if you met people on for example a writing (or whatever you would enjoy) course you might have a better experience than with your work colleagues. I'm sorry to hear they're not very friendly. It's their loss as you seem like a nice bloke. I agree that talking about a woman online the way you have isn't a good idea. Never mind, you have but maybe not do so in the future. If there is something you would find interesting at a night class I really recommend it. You'll meet men and women who are maybe different to your work colleagues and might be more friendly.
Well thanks for that compliment, not sure you'd be quite as charmed if you knew me in person but I guess we're our own worst critics - many people see only their negatives. I've seen it in many places - such as people on Bodyshockers and the like justifying their cosmetic surgery by stating they want to 'improve' some aspect of themselves. Even the colleague I admire has in the recent past expressed a desire to change for the 'better' (to my eye she's perfect exactly as she stands!) So to actually have someone talk positively about me is a rare treat.

You are correct to say I'm quite shy and need to come out of the shell a little more. This thread itself is an example of me stepping way out of the comfort zone, it's easily the most personal thing I've ever posted on t'Spy - as noted before I'm more usually using this site to blather on about Block 11A or EPG allocations. That's perhaps why I've been overly defensive when others have misconstrued my words or intent. The need for an outlet is also why I've disregarded suggestions that I should lock my feelings away in a journal or somesuch where nobody but me will know them; I've spent too much of life locked away in my own head, building up fears and misapprehension because I've not had a reassuring voice on the other end of the line, just my own warped logic echoing back into itself. I needed to break out of that cycle, and this thread was a misguided first attempt at that. I am getting better at being around people, and my work colleagues have been hugely important in that. (I should clarify that I get on very well with my current coworkers, the "not very friendly" as you put it applies to a previous role where I didn't get along as happily.)

A course or class is something I've considered in the past, but much like love/romance, health and other interests, any thought of taking on a side-project got shunted to the wayside during my time out-of-work for time and money reasons. Now I've got the security that having regular work brings, I can perhaps begin to build toward gaining the confidence to take the next step and begin doing things for myself outside of work. I've dipped my toe into the waters - the five features I wrote for OffTheTelly in 2009, the attempt to become a local DJ (which ended when the station shut down) - the desire to do something innovative and creative is there, I just need to find out where the opportunities are!

And I can only apologise if my attitude to women is a little off-kilter. Again, it's stemmed from not having had much feedback in the past - I'd assumed that ladies were looking for a hero figure, or at least someone who would treat them better - I've despaired at some of the treatment meted out down the years, still struggle to listen to Chris Brown records even now, took me longer to forgive him even than Rihanna herself. And as a rreader of magazines in the 90s/00s I shamedly admit my part in supporting that grotty culture which thankfully now is thankfully now much-diminished. I have a lot of respect for women, particularly in the post-Piper years, but I know that I haven't yet found the appropriate way to show it.

This (PinkSmurf's post) is the kind of constructive feedback I'd hoped to receive when I made my initial post. It's fair to say this has been quite an instructive journey for me these last few days - I will try and hold my tongue a little more, as some of the comment (including some of mine) got a little closer to the bone than I'd expected in terms of how personal it all was. But that's what I get for being raw and honest, I suppose! I don't have a lot else to say on the matter, so as we draw ever closer to the Christmas break (and I do actually have a few days off across this week and next, giving me opportunity to draw breath, rethink a few things), I'll move to wind this thread down - though if anyone does have any final thought on the whole scenario, do feel free to drop it in here, the thread's not set to be locked straight away - and move onwards into a new year with new opportunities, a better and healthier relationship with others, and imminently a spanking new DS to thud out posts for, should Global or whoever do something silly enough to warrant comment...
SonOfPurple is offline Follow this poster on Twitter   Reply With Quote
Old 20-12-2016, 08:25
scottie2121
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,314
Just a quick suggestion OP - have you thought of joining a writing group?

Have a look here

http://www.nawg.co.uk/88/
scottie2121 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20-12-2016, 10:36
1fab
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 13,311
I don't think you need a writing course - you're already a brilliant writer. Choose your genre and get writing, is my advice. I'd read your novel.

P.S. Love is overrated. Those lovey-dovey couples probably aren't as happy as they appear.

You sound great - don't change.
1fab is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20-12-2016, 13:23
mumbles26
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,777
I don't think you need a writing course - you're already a brilliant writer. Choose your genre and get writing, is my advice. I'd read your novel.

P.S. Love is overrated. Those lovey-dovey couples probably aren't as happy as they appear.

You sound great - don't change.

What a lovely post and I completely agree.
mumbles26 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20-12-2016, 16:43
striing
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 11,776
OP your ability to be reflective is a real positive. Just one thing to add - women aren't looking for heros any more than men are. A good way for you to think about it might be to think of what you're looking for - chances are the woman who would be right for you is looking for the same thing. Wishing you well for 2017.
striing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20-12-2016, 16:57
vierte
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,994
I don't think you need a writing course - you're already a brilliant writer. Choose your genre and get writing, is my advice. I'd read your novel.

P.S. Love is overrated. Those lovey-dovey couples probably aren't as happy as they appear.

You sound great - don't change.
I think the point was he might meet someone with common interests not to actually improve his writing.
vierte is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20-12-2016, 18:51
1fab
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 13,311
I think the point was he might meet someone with common interests not to actually improve his writing.
Oops! - I meant well, though.
1fab is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20-12-2016, 19:51
mrsgrumpy49
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 6,365
OP you ARE the problem. You are the problem for yourself. My advice would be to go cold turkey on Twitter or any blogging as it is just reinforcing excessive introspection and self obsession. Instead of living in your head you should try to spend more time interacting with people face to face - offline. Perhaps using the time freed to do some voluntary work where the focus is other people and not yourself. I think this would give you a better perspective on things and improve your life no end. Otherwise you are just going to go round in circles.
mrsgrumpy49 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20-12-2016, 20:04
Lucy_James
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 1,902
Tu quoque. Have you listened to what people say in these YouTube videos and actually debated them with a clear and open mind? And I like how you've tried to make me say something I never did and that other people have done.

I think I explained my position earlier but will repeat it for anyone who still doesn't understand - it is unwise for single men to air their personal problems online when it relates to their martial status as it can invite unnecessary and negative rhetoric against that individual - better to speak of these things offline with trusted individuals as opposed to complete strangers and also better to focus on your own life, interests and happiness instead of putting women on a pedestal and seeing women as the sole aim for someone else's happiness - the latter never works.
YOU telling ANYONE else to have a clear and open mind??? are you having a laugh.
anyways OP do not listen to him^^^^, hes a bitter fup because he fell inlove with a member here and she rejected him, its tainted him. women are the root of all evil as far as hes concerned and thinks he will be arrested for opening a door for a woman, but that a man shld be allowed to rape a woman if she goes in for coffee.
i repeat do not TAKE HIS ADVICE.
now onto you, youre not that bad looking but you come across a bit whiney, get some like minded mates by joining in with things you enjoy, and ..then worry about women
Lucy_James is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20-12-2016, 22:55
tghe-retford
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Retford
Posts: 20,450
I don't think you need a writing course - you're already a brilliant writer. Choose your genre and get writing, is my advice. I'd read your novel.

P.S. Love is overrated. Those lovey-dovey couples probably aren't as happy as they appear.

You sound great - don't change.
I'd second this - in that you should focus on yourself, and the second line as well.

One other bit of advice reading through today's reemergence of this topic, don't lie about others - it can make you look bad, negative and untrustworthy - not an attractive look.
tghe-retford is offline Follow this poster on Twitter   Reply With Quote
Old 21-12-2016, 00:09
scottie2121
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,314
I'd second this - in that you should focus on yourself, and the second line as well.

One other bit of advice reading through today's reemergence of this topic, don't lie about others - it can make you look bad, negative and untrustworthy - not an attractive look.
So you'll be taking your own advice and not lie about others?
scottie2121 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21-12-2016, 01:03
annette kurten
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: dole office.
Posts: 35,068
I'd second this - in that you should focus on yourself, and the second line as well.

One other bit of advice reading through today's reemergence of this topic, don't lie about others - it can make you look bad, negative and untrustworthy - not an attractive look.
good luck with effecting this change retford, recognising where you`re going wrong is key to finding the solution.
annette kurten is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21-12-2016, 02:42
annette kurten
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: dole office.
Posts: 35,068
YOU telling ANYONE else to have a clear and open mind??? are you having a laugh.
anyways OP do not listen to him^^^^, hes a bitter fup because he fell inlove with a member here and she rejected him, its tainted him. women are the root of all evil as far as hes concerned and thinks he will be arrested for opening a door for a woman, but that a man shld be allowed to rape a woman if she goes in for coffee.
i repeat do not TAKE HIS ADVICE.
now onto you, youre not that bad looking but you come across a bit whiney, get some like minded mates by joining in with things you enjoy, and ..then worry about women
YAY!!!! you`re featured again lucy.

this fella is literally a mass debater.

Someone is still salty from me ripping into them over the last barrage of lies they said.

Lets see if they notice from behind the block.
too scared to tackle you on the thread so he`s waving his little maggot on twitter to bait you here.

again.
annette kurten is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21-12-2016, 09:24
eluf38
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,335
YAY!!!! you`re featured again lucy.

this fella is literally a mass debater.



too scared to tackle you on the thread so he`s waving his little maggot on twitter to bait you here.

again.
He might also have been referring to me, as I blocked him. But his posts kept showing up when other people quoted him, and I realised he's so laughably pathetic that I can't possibly be offended by him. His opinions are obnoxious, but he's just a joke... Look at his Twitter... If Sue Townsend had tried to make Adrian Mole ten times weirder and more repugnant to women, she might have got close to the Retford.

I like how he thinks he 'ripped into' the 'liar'. Wrong on both accounts. I could tell him what I really think of him and let him know what being 'ripped into' really feels like, but I've been here nine years without a ban and don't intend to get one now. Let him carry on waving his little maggot, it's not like anybody really cares what he says or respects his opinion anyway.
eluf38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21-12-2016, 09:28
annette kurten
Forum Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: dole office.
Posts: 35,068
He might also have been referring to me, as I blocked him. But his posts kept showing up when other people quoted him, and I realised he's so laughably pathetic that I can't possibly be offended by him. His opinions are obnoxious, but he's just a joke... Look at his Twitter... If Sue Townsend had tried to make Adrian Mole ten times weirder and more repugnant to women, she might have got close to the Retford.

I like how he thinks he 'ripped into' the 'liar'. Wrong on both accounts. I could tell him what I really think of him and let him know what being 'ripped into' really feels like, but I've been here nine years without a ban and don't intend to get one now. Let him carry on waving his little maggot, it's not like anybody really cares what he says or respects his opinion anyway.
he`s quoted lucy`s post on there and replied to it and then scrolled past it on here to reply to someone else.

i don`t know how many "real" people read his twittery but the potential for picking up a weirdo from him and his crew is real.
annette kurten is offline   Reply With Quote
 
Reply



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

 
Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 21:49.