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Relationships/colleagues - am I the problem? |
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#101 |
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: dole office.
Posts: 35,068
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apologies people, i`m getting sucked into it, i`ll stop now.
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#102 |
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,314
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A few quick tips OP.
Remove or change the pinned tweet at the top of your twitter feed. I know it's an expression of your personal point of view but, as has been pointed out, it could be misinterpreted. It's clear you find putting your thoughts and observations down however when you're sharing such personal information you are leaving yourself open to either misinterpretation or even ridicule. You have no control over how other people respond to your words and when you put something into the public domain your words will be seen by people you probably wouldn't want to be open with in the real world. Ask yourself why you want anyone and everyone to have access to such personal thoughts - what do you get from that. An alternative would be to carry on blogging but use a pseudonym or nom de plume. That way you can share with the world (and that is what you're doing) your ideas and thoughts and observations and actions but without the risk of your words being turned against you or being judged or misinterpreted. Think about joining a writing group. There are plenty out there and it may be a case of trying a few until you find one that suits you and your needs. It will also give you an opportunity to meet people who have a shared interest. Have a look at the meetup website to see what is in your area - there may be an opportunity to try something new. Get to know yourself and how you relate to others and how others respond to you. Again there may be a meetup group that can help you with this. And, as I have mentioned, make a conscious effort to stop referring to women as ladies or girls. Taking practical and realistic steps and setting yourself achievable goals can be really useful if you want to bring about change in you and/or your situation. |
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#103 |
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: SE London
Posts: 796
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OP your ability to be reflective is a real positive. Just one thing to add - women aren't looking for heros any more than men are. A good way for you to think about it might be to think of what you're looking for - chances are the woman who would be right for you is looking for the same thing. Wishing you well for 2017.
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OP you ARE the problem. You are the problem for yourself. My advice would be to go cold turkey on Twitter or any blogging as it is just reinforcing excessive introspection and self obsession. Instead of living in your head you should try to spend more time interacting with people face to face - offline. Perhaps using the time freed to do some voluntary work where the focus is other people and not yourself. I think this would give you a better perspective on things and improve your life no end. Otherwise you are just going to go round in circles.
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I don't think you need a writing course - you're already a brilliant writer. Choose your genre and get writing, is my advice. I'd read your novel.
![]() P.S. Love is overrated. Those lovey-dovey couples probably aren't as happy as they appear. You sound great - don't change. And I accept that even the most outwardly pleasant couples probably have the disputes that they keep away from public view. That's normal. My concern is that they have each other at all, whereas I had nothing to rely on! Though I also benefit from the freedom of single life, having unburdened free choice (to an extent) in where I go and what I do... So maybe it's not universally bad news! Quote:
A few quick tips OP.
Remove or change the pinned tweet at the top of your twitter feed. I know it's an expression of your personal point of view but, as has been pointed out, it could be misinterpreted. It's clear you find putting your thoughts and observations down however when you're sharing such personal information you are leaving yourself open to either misinterpretation or even ridicule. You have no control over how other people respond to your words and when you put something into the public domain your words will be seen by people you probably wouldn't want to be open with in the real world. Ask yourself why you want anyone and everyone to have access to such personal thoughts - what do you get from that. An alternative would be to carry on blogging but use a pseudonym or nom de plume. That way you can share with the world (and that is what you're doing) your ideas and thoughts and observations and actions but without the risk of your words being turned against you or being judged or misinterpreted. Think about joining a writing group. There are plenty out there and it may be a case of trying a few until you find one that suits you and your needs. It will also give you an opportunity to meet people who have a shared interest. Have a look at the meetup website to see what is in your area - there may be an opportunity to try something new. Get to know yourself and how you relate to others and how others respond to you. Again there may be a meetup group that can help you with this. And, as I have mentioned, make a conscious effort to stop referring to women as ladies or girls. Taking practical and realistic steps and setting yourself achievable goals can be really useful if you want to bring about change in you and/or your situation. As well as doing that I will take a look at some of the meet-up and group/writing sites which have been suggested, subject to getting sufficient bloc of time in front of the terminal (which probably won't be 'til after Christmas now) to have a proper look. It's definitely something I'd like to do, spread my wings a little and do something positive, and meet people I can have a conversation with - one of the best nights I've had this year was simply sitting round a pub table with a few colleagues chewin' the fat about random crap (up to and including Rick and Morty, which I happened to have been watching on truTV, so that was a stroke of fortune); I preferred that to the drinks/dancing-heavy Christmas knees-up, at which conversation couldn't really get started. Not by me, anyway... |
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#104 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Posts: 40,636
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Quote:
A few quick tips OP.
Remove or change the pinned tweet at the top of your twitter feed. I know it's an expression of your personal point of view but, as has been pointed out, it could be misinterpreted. It's clear you find putting your thoughts and observations down however when you're sharing such personal information you are leaving yourself open to either misinterpretation or even ridicule. You have no control over how other people respond to your words and when you put something into the public domain your words will be seen by people you probably wouldn't want to be open with in the real world. Ask yourself why you want anyone and everyone to have access to such personal thoughts - what do you get from that. An alternative would be to carry on blogging but use a pseudonym or nom de plume. That way you can share with the world (and that is what you're doing) your ideas and thoughts and observations and actions but without the risk of your words being turned against you or being judged or misinterpreted. Think about joining a writing group. There are plenty out there and it may be a case of trying a few until you find one that suits you and your needs. It will also give you an opportunity to meet people who have a shared interest. Have a look at the meetup website to see what is in your area - there may be an opportunity to try something new. Get to know yourself and how you relate to others and how others respond to you. Again there may be a meetup group that can help you with this. And, as I have mentioned, make a conscious effort to stop referring to women as ladies or girls. Taking practical and realistic steps and setting yourself achievable goals can be really useful if you want to bring about change in you and/or your situation. |
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#105 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 7,142
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This is gonna be a bit lengthy but bear with me, trying to get my own feelings straight on this issue and could use the third party support/opinion. Here goes:
So as you may be aware from other threads, I'm interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with a charming, attractive female colleague. There's nothing in our lawbook preventing coworkers hooking up, indeed several such couples already exist. I genuinely adore this lady, she's sweet and smart and very beautiful (even if she herself thinks otherwise) and I would love nothing more than to cradle her in my feeble arms and make her feel loved and special. This gorgeous girl makes the day so much brighter and I want to offer upon her the love, affection and respect I am absolutely keen to give. I would absolutely shower her with adoration if ever the chance came. I've tried to be careful not to push too far and cause her difficulty, but with this restraint in mind I'm running out of ideas for ways to make my feelings clear, given I can't exactly control what order words come out of my mouth when I'm around her! Sadly, whilst she has taken my affections in good grace and appears to recognise that I only have best intentions at heart, it's become increasingly clear that any efforts I make are for naught and ahw bears little interest in taking our relationship any further. As you may have seen if you follow me on Twitter, last night it was the company's Christmas pub bash, and the girl in question was in attendance - indeed this was the first night out the two of us had both been onsince last year's work do, given she was unable, purportedly for entirely legit-seeming reasons, to attend either of the nights out I put on in between. And the apple o' my eye spent most of the night talking with another guy! Obviously a fellow member of the firm - which means the dreamgirl doesn't have a problem dating colleagues - he's not someone I'd taken much heed of previously (he works in a different area and apparently rarely frequents my sub-basement stock floor) but on the basis of last night he comes across as a decent enough bloke - there's even a photo (which I haven't put online) of the three of us together, me sat on their laps somehow looking like I'd been clipped from another shot and photoshopped in over the top of a date-night snap! And I know that this fella is far more up our girl's street than I'd ever be - he's an Adonis compared to myself, a sleek and healthy man compared to my pallid and crumpled appearance. He's still got frickin' teeth! And although I can't vouch for what he's like behind a closed door, in the crucible of the party the good lady seemed thrilled to be in his company. So here's the thing. I want her to be happy. Even if not with me. Nothing is more important to me than her happiness and confidence. I want this girl to feel like the most special, beautiful creature on Planet Earth. I want the lady to feel safe, respected, happy and confident in herself. And if this rare feller does all that for her, that's all to the good, and I won't stand in their way like the scrawny kid from an 80s movie (and hooboy have I ever seen a lot of them! ) I would say that "if he wrongs her, I'd sort him out", but that's a fight I'm destined not to win (and anyway, I'm a lover not a fighter. Well, technically neither...) The girl's feelings are what I care about now, more important than even my own. TVTropes calls it "I Want My Beloved To Be Happy". And I do. Rejection is no surprise to me: I was getting turned down by classmates I sought to date a good 25 years back, and virtually every employer I've applied to bar my current one has knocked me to the work kerb. But then I turn to wonder: where's my romance? I've seen a lot of love stories where a chap seeks to win fair maiden - from the John Hughes ilk of the late 20th century, through to Disney tales (Lady and the Tramp, Aladdin, Tangled being the obvious ones). And I see romance on the streets day in day out - guys protectively hugging their girlfriend that little tighter as I come past, even though I quite clearly pose precious little threat. I need love in my life, without the warmth of a good woman I have to return forlornly to the homestead and cuddle my mermaid (not a euphemism; I have an actual mermaid doll, as seen recently on Instagram.) It seems love is something desired by me but designed only for others. I don't have a circle of friends outside work, at least not that I see physically. I have online chums o'course, and some have risen above the call of duty (one superkind pair even supplying the very phone I'm slowly tapping this out with now!) But they're dotted all over London, the current UK and the globe, so a trip on the south-east's tiles may not be feasible for all. But meeting people online is easy compared to the daunting task of meeting in person. I'm not, as you'll have gathered, the most popular, successful or attractive guy. My wider body of colleagues, whilst happy enough to tolerate my presence in the workgroup and at company events (and a handful even turned out for nights I set in train, for which I'm massively grateful) don't seem hugely keen to have me penetrate their broader social circle and rarely invite me to spend time in their close quarters. Maybe it's because of my health - internal problems which long predate my involvement with the firm have left me cramped, unwell and not pleasant to stand upwind of. (They don't get in the way of doing the actual job, though.) I put looking after myself way away on the back-burner whilst out of work, and now it hella shows - nobody would describe me as a popular man, 'he exists' is probably the best I can hope for! So summat like Yellow would be manna from gods? Er, nah. Only met a few genuine actual people through that, been quite a chore to dispense with all the camsex girls once their true intentions become known... I don't want to pay some underfunded harlot to perform for me, I want real, genuine personal connection! I guess the point of this hour is to ask you the DS nation these questions: - How do I move forward knowing the girl I adore has snubbed my genuine affections and chosen someone who even I believe is the better man? - How do I find the girl who'll tolerate my many flaws and problems, and let me hold her tight such as to proffer the sweet kind love which I know full well I could proctor given the chance? - How can I be more sociable when my personality is let badly down by my very poorly-received physical form? - Or do I just give up, and carry on much as now: carrying on my work and remaining civil with colleagues, before returning home to the bitterness and resentment of home with nary but a mermaid for jolly company? Thanks for your time. Needed to get this off my chest and was far too rambling to put anywhere else! At least on DS someone may hear my wails! Reading that was painful. Like cringe inducing painful. You come across as a Nice Guy TM and literally no person on earth wants to have a romantic relationship with one. Stop this nonsense. Really. Accept that just because you have feelings for someone doesn't mean they will reciprocate and that's OK. Stop doing this falling on your sword thing. Just suck it up and move on. You win some, you lose some. It's that simple. It's hard to explain how not to be a Nice Guy, but all I can tell you is that is going to make any woman run a mile. Perhaps posters far more eloquent than I will be able to explain how to not to what you're doing. |
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#106 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 7,142
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Even though women often refer to themselves as that (the latter) and have done so for quite a while now. As for ladies. I take it 'ladies first', 'ladies night out' and 'ladies and gentlemen' is not on these days. scottie, you're drowning in your own political correctness.
Look, you and I have had this conversation before but whether you agree with it or not when a guy calls a woman a 'female' or 'girl' or 'lady' it reeks of Nice Guy TM. It's hard to explain but most women will give you the side eye. It's not about being PC it's just a feeling that it conjures up in you that makes you a bit icky and you can't put your finger on why. Kind of like when something grosses you out but you can't quite figure out that way. That's the reaction it produces for us. If you wanna carry on calling women that, cool, go ahead, but don't be surprised if you get a negative reaction to it. |
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#107 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Posts: 40,636
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No it's not that. Those examples are in context.
Look, you and I have had this conversation before but whether you agree with it or not when a guy calls a woman a 'female' or 'girl' or 'lady' it reeks of Nice Guy TM. It's hard to explain but most women will give you the side eye. It's not about being PC it's just a feeling that it conjures up in you that makes you a bit icky and you can't put your finger on why. Kind of like when something grosses you out but you can't quite figure out that way. That's the reaction it produces for us. If you wanna carry on calling women that, cool, go ahead, but don't be surprised if you get a negative reaction to it. |
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#108 |
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 11,776
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When you say us, I presume you mean you and maybe your friends, not the general population of women. And saying 'icky' and 'grosses you out' sounds like you're easily offended. It's common parlance these days to refer to women as girls. The other thing is where did I say that it's what I normally do. I may sometimes, but most often don't.
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#109 |
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,314
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Even though women often refer to themselves as that (the latter) and have done so for quite a while now. As for ladies. I take it 'ladies first', 'ladies night out' and 'ladies and gentlemen' is not on these days. scottie, you're drowning in your own political correctness.
Your reference to PC shows you don't get the subtleties of language and how it can influence an individual's outlook. I'm not saying certain things are not on and, oh! you did forget 'ladies of the night'. Wink, wink. |
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#110 |
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Sees me at the tower
Posts: 1,669
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Erm., I'm not really sure how to word this in a way that won't offend you to the max or get me banned, but here goes.....
Reading that was painful. Like cringe inducing painful. You come across as a Nice Guy TM and literally no person on earth wants to have a romantic relationship with one. Stop this nonsense. Really. Accept that just because you have feelings for someone doesn't mean they will reciprocate and that's OK. Stop doing this falling on your sword thing. Just suck it up and move on. You win some, you lose some. It's that simple. It's hard to explain how not to be a Nice Guy, but all I can tell you is that is going to make any woman run a mile. Perhaps posters far more eloquent than I will be able to explain how to not to what you're doing. |
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#111 |
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Retford
Posts: 20,450
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Bit harsh. There's not a single thing wrong with this guy or what he has written. It just makes him 'him', nothing wrong with that at all.
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#112 |
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 4,115
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Bit harsh. There's not a single thing wrong with this guy or what he has written. It just makes him 'him', nothing wrong with that at all.
I've no doubt the OP is a very decent guy but he needs to be aware that some of his behaviour is likely to be considered creepy by the woman he's interested in. I'm sure he has the best of intentions but they could of be misconstrued by the way he is acting. |
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#113 |
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 4,115
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Just a mention of the term "nice guy" and its fair game for that man to be creep shamed. This is why I suggest single men do not mention their relationship status or issues with meeting women online. if you want to shame a man, you question his ability to attract a mate.
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#114 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 25,048
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Just a mention of the term "nice guy" and its fair game for that man to be creep shamed. This is why I suggest single men do not mention their relationship status or issues with meeting women online. if you want to shame a man, you question his ability to attract a mate.
Well, you seem to talk about little else. |
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#115 |
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 7,142
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When you say us, I presume you mean you and maybe your friends, not the general population of women. And saying 'icky' and 'grosses you out' sounds like you're easily offended. It's common parlance these days to refer to women as girls. The other thing is where did I say that it's what I normally do. I may sometimes, but most often don't.
You got that I was easily offended because I used those words? Your investigation skills are amazing, Poirot. |
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#116 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 322
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You don't own a fedora, do you?
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#117 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: By the Skeleton Tree.
Posts: 56,603
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Just a mention of the term "nice guy" and its fair game for that man to be creep shamed. This is why I suggest single men do not mention their relationship status or issues with meeting women online.
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If you want to shame a man, you question his ability to attract a mate.
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#118 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: London
Posts: 6,348
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Just a mention of the term "nice guy" and its fair game for that man to be creep shamed. This is why I suggest single men do not mention their relationship status or issues with meeting women online. if you want to shame a man, you question his ability to attract a mate.
I think the OP is a great guy from his posts and blog. I hope he finds people to hang out with more and that one of them becomes a girlfriend. He deserves a special someone. |
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#119 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: London
Posts: 986
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Nah, seriously. Go online and have a look at how much it grosses many women out. In fact do a quick survey here if you like.
You got that I was easily offended because I used those words? Your investigation skills are amazing, Poirot. ![]() (I actually hear this word more and more on the streets and didn't know what it or mandem mean't until I googled). |
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#120 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: London
Posts: 6,348
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gyaldem is right out then
![]() (I actually hear this word more and more on the streets and didn't know what it or mandem mean't until I googled). |
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#121 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Sees me at the tower
Posts: 1,669
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Just a mention of the term "nice guy" and its fair game for that man to be creep shamed. This is why I suggest single men do not mention their relationship status or issues with meeting women online. if you want to shame a man, you question his ability to attract a mate.
Not knocking the advice to change the Twitter or whatever. It might not be an opinion I agree with in any way, but it's an opinion nonetheless. But it also doesn't hurt to be tactful. |
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#122 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,721
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You need to sort yourself out. This girl isn't going to want to be with you as you have no confidence in yourself. Cuddling a mermaid doll in your feeble arms doesn't really conjure up an image of a man I would want to be with. I haven't seen a picture of you but by what you describe, you need to build up your confidence. Sort out your teeth, get a new hair style and wardrobe and instead of being stuck infront of a computer screen, find a club or group you can join where there are people who like the same things as you. You did it online, see if you can do it in reality. If you can't do that, arrange meet ups where your online friends can meet you where you are as well as you visiting them. It doesn't have to be one sided. Go to the gym and get energised. Find a new job, your work colleagues are no better than you as you all work in the same place. You don't deserve to feel on the edge or like crap by anyone. No one deserves that. To make you feel like that is subtle bullying. Look elsewhere until you find some place new and recognise when people are taking the piss, so you can stop it from escalating in this new place. A new you doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that. Now, look online, see what styles you like and ask people what would suit you. When you love yourself, you will emmit a certain confidence which will be attractive to others. Look at people like Norman Reedus or Noel Fielding, they're not the prettiest but they have a presence and it isn't just down to their job.
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#123 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Retford
Posts: 20,450
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Be a bit hard for him to ask for advice on it if he didn't, though.
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His inability to attract a mate is exactly what he's talking about. Nobody's "questioning" it, unless telling him he's better-looking that he thinks he is counts. Now quit trying to make yet another thread all about you and your MRA nonsense.
I'm reminded of the mainstream media outlets as of late who have taken people like the OP and derided them as potentially being radicalised into extremism because of their current martial status situation. Those you claim are sprouting "MRA nonsense" are being painted as extremists because they have difficulty finding a partner and are (allegedly) turning to the "alt-right". This is what exaggerated and agenda driven rhetoric creates. It is also wrong to give people false hope, better to be truthful and upfront with the facts even if that information and advice is uncomfortable. |
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#124 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: By the Skeleton Tree.
Posts: 56,603
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He can ask advice from friends, family and other people of trust offline though, can't he? Probably a much better outlet for his situation.
> Everything I disagree with is "MRA nonsense". Quote:
I'm reminded of the mainstream media outlets as of late who have taken people like the OP and derided them as potentially being radicalised into extremism because of their current martial status situation. Those you claim are sprouting "MRA nonsense" are being painted as extremists because they have difficulty finding a partner and are (allegedly) turning to the "alt-right". This is what exaggerated and agenda driven rhetoric creates.
It is also wrong to give people false hope, better to be truthful and upfront with the facts even if that information and advice is uncomfortable. |
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#125 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,314
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He can ask advice from friends, family and other people of trust offline though, can't he? Probably a much better outlet for his situation.
> Everything I disagree with is "MRA nonsense". I'm reminded of the mainstream media outlets as of late who have taken people like the OP and derided them as potentially being radicalised into extremism because of their current martial status situation. Those you claim are sprouting "MRA nonsense" are being painted as extremists because they have difficulty finding a partner and are (allegedly) turning to the "alt-right". This is what exaggerated and agenda driven rhetoric creates. It is also wrong to give people false hope, better to be truthful and upfront with the facts even if that information and advice is uncomfortable. Edited to add: unhelpful bollocks. Why don't you step back and then think about something you can say to the OP that's constructive. |
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