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My wife passed away on Monday 19th December aged 44. She was have mental health issues for about 2years and in spring tried to commit suicide, but I got to her just in time. After getting psychiatric treatment she did seem to be getting better, but then she stopped taking her pills and I didn't find out until it was too late and she did the unthinkable.

Monday morning she kissed all the kids, we have 4, and kissed me and I told her I loved her and would see her in the evening when she got home from work. I did ask her to call me when she was leaving, but she didn't, and to cut a long story short, I finally called the police to report missing person at 7pm.

My eldest daughter went searching for her and found the car parked in Niagara Falls around 10pm, and police finally recovered her body at 4am Tuesday.

We have no family here except ourselves, and the burden has fallen on me to handle everything, and I am finding that I want to grieve for my wife to whom I had been married to for 26 years, but cant for the sake of the children.
I'm also trying to appease my wifes family who are in Denmark, and her mother has asked me to wait till she gets her before I do anything as she wants to see her, but as of yet no arrival date.

The funeral home are urging me to make a decision on date as due to the extent of her injuries, the body is deteriorating fast.

Sorry for long post, I have soo much more to say, but am struggling.

Shammy, I'm so sorry for you. If you were here in person I'd give you a huge hug.

Firstly, don't be afraid that you have to hide your emotions from your children. You can be strong for them and still feel sad. You are probably still in shock. When my mother in law died (suspected suicide) I took charge of the funeral arrangements and it all felt very unreal and strange. It didn't hit home that she'd gone until weeks and weeks after her cremation.

Is there anybody you can ask for help with the practical arrangements - friends, neighbours, colleagues? Even if they just volunteer to feed and look after your children for a few hours so you can get the practicalities sorted? I think you need to be guided by the funeral home, and let your wife's family know asap what the arrangements are. Her mother will still be able to see her daughter provided she arrives before the funeral, and provided the funeral directors advise it.

I'm sorry you're not in this country as this is my mum's line of work and I'm sure I'd be able to offer further advice. All I can do is send my condolences. Come here and share your feelings if it helps - I found DS posters to be incredibly kind and supportive when I was going through a crisis.

I've no advice but just wanted to say sorry for your loss.

I would also like to say how sorry I am. It is such a shock when someone goes quickly. My father died a few months ago and it still doesn't seem real that I will never see him again.

The only advice I can give is not to rush into any decisions. Wait for your wife's family to come and then make decisions together.

How awful for you.
Nothing much to add to what eluf said. Except here is a link to an organisation that supports people bereaved by suicide http://uk-sobs.org.uk/. They are UK based but offer email support. I expect there are similar organisations in Canada if that is where you are.
You may find this hits you even harder after everything has been done - which is when organisations like this come into their own.
Chrissy x.

I have no advice to offer as Eluf has said what I would.

I would just like to offer my condolences and send you a virtual hug xx

I'm so sorry for your loss, l think you are going to have to press her Mother and family for an arrival date, you really have too much to worry about, without waiting for them to get their act together. Will she be going back to Denmark, maybe contact the Consulate.

Thank you all soo very much for responses and support.
i had to take my son to Canadian Armed Forces hq to getsworn in Yesterday and was very worried about how he would hold up, but he did great and got through it. He flys to quebec to start his 12 weeks basic training on jan 7th.
I really want to get funeral done this year to allow him time to heal before he leaves me.
I appologise for any grammatical mistakes and the fact that im all over the place with whats going on. I just feel overwhelmed.
I spoke with my wife's sister today and they are angry with me that I allowed her to get so ill to the point that she would do this. i did say that i accept that it is my fault, but in all honesty I did not have a clue she would do this. i do not blame my wife, as I understand that she must have been in such a dark place that, not being in her right mind, felt that she had no other way than what she chose.

My wife is half french canadian and half danish. her parents got divorced when she was 4, and her mother moved her 3 daughters back to Denmark. I met her in a pub in England when she came to visit my then girlfriend, and i broke up with her and started going out with my wife whom i married.
I was born in England and my parents are from Bangladesh so am muslim by birthright, if thats the proper term. I was sent to borading school from age of 4 and left after my a levels , and had no affiliation with the muslim/bengali community, and really was brought up in boarding school as CoE.

So my wifes mother and sister want her buried in roman catholic way, my parents want her buried in muslim way, I just want my wife cremated and her ashes brought back home where she belongs with our 4 kids and me.

sorry have to do this in spurts as we keep having friends that she knew coming to see us.

Shammy it is not your fault and they have no right to blame you.
Mental illness can be hidden and from what you have said your wife certainly hid it from you.
It was her decision alone to do what she did.
You should do things when and how it is right for you and your children. Sorry to sound harsh but no one else matters imo.

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Shammy you are right - your wife suffered an illness. She was not herself, but sally is right - her actions are her own. Her family are lashing out in grief. they need to channel their grief and shock and you are an easy target. but you are not responsible. You are not to blame.

What either of your parents want is not as important as what your wife would want, and what brings you and the children comfort. If your wife had no faith perhaps consider a Humanist service. No church or mosque, a crematorium service based purely on your wife. No after life, no heaven or hell or sins or redemption, just a celebration of her life and all she has left behind.

Accept any offers of help from friends - food, accompanying you to the funeral home or whatever. It's natural to feel overwhelmed, but when you can let someone else carry a little of the burden.

From the bottom of my heart I do thankyou, all.
My wife did pray, and to respect her i did take a christian priest with me to the morgue when i had to identify her. He was fantastic and said some wonderful words for her.
I do disagree with my parents as thier reasonings against cremation makes no sense to me. I want what Tanya would have wanted, more precisely waht I think she would have wanted as we never disscussed death and our wishes in that ecent, we were both still young.

i am trying my hardesd to appease hermother and did strongly advise my wifes sister to talk hermother out of viewing the body as the damage is soo severe. But in saying that I am also against the clock as the funeral home have given me a deadline of Dec 29th to make a decision or they will have to cremate/ bury which ever is cheaper.
My other choice is sending her to a special holding facility at a cost of $800/day, but I am pushed on finances, and paying mortgage/taxes/bills are still the priority, and i have to give Tanya the best send off within our means. I hate that I have to weigh bills against my wifes funeral, but I guess thats life.

Forgot to mention my neighbors have been a great help, they have sent us dinners over every night .

Wearing my practical hat (as I have helped arrange two 'budget' funerals) my experience is the following:
Cremation is by far the cheaper option.
Having a religious service at the crematorium only can help save money (but you have to balance prudence with your wife's religious beliefs, so a church service may still be a consideration)
Flowers can be expensive. For my MIL I made five single roses in her favourite colour, each with the name of one of her five children attached. That and a thirty pound wreath was all her children could afford, but they had a real symbolism.

I would communicate the deadline to your mother in law and plan to have the service with in that timeframe. Your MIL can't expect you to pay 800 dollars a day surely? She could board a plane and be with her grandchildren in the next 48 hours. As for wanting to visit her daughter... It must be her choice. I'm sure the funeral home will do their best to advise and support her, but no one can stop her if that is her wish.

Also ask whether the church / crem can broadcast the service over the internet. Mum performed a service at a brand new venue over here and said there were family members in Australia watching via live link. It could be a comfort for those who can't travel.

I agree, & they are very wrong to blame you. I would tell them you are having the service on the day of your choice & it is up to them whether they arrive on time, I'm pretty sure there are flights every day. TBH they sound as if they are bullying you. Cremation is often the cheapest option. Do what you & the kids want, not anyone else. Adding condolences & hugs.

Thankyou all again, finally got an arrival date from them so was able to confirm that my wife's funeral will be dec 29th 11am.
My mil will be arriving on 28th and will stay in a hotel and will leave on the 30th. was hoping she would spend some time with the kids, but my wife's sister wants her back to celebrate New Year with her and her kids. Which I understand as it must be very difficult for them also.

You are being incredibly forgiving of a selfish woman IMO. After my MIL's death her own mother stayed away from the funeral saying she was too upset. That I can understand, to a degree. What I can't understand is that she never once contacted her grandchildren to find out how they were coping having lost their mother.
Shammy, I hope your mil will come and go quietly and not add to your worries.

Totally agree with Eluf.
Just make it right for you and the kids. They need you more than anyone else, as you do them.
Take care. Be kind to yourself and hold your kids tight.