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How do you kill a turkey?


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Old 25-12-2016, 12:42
Caxton
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We have the turkey running about the garden and I have spent the last three days trying to catch the damn thing. When, and if, I do catch it how the hell do I kill it, the wife and family are a bit miffed now cause if I catch it still will have to be dressed, plucked and stuffed before we can cook it, so it looks as if the Christmas dinner could be delayed a bit.


Might have to resort to some fish fingers, sprouts and chips from the freezer instead.
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Old 25-12-2016, 12:45
muggins14
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Just tell it a few corny cracker jokes.
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Old 25-12-2016, 12:53
dee123
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We have the turkey running about the garden and I have spent the last three days trying to catch the damn thing. When, and if, I do catch it how the hell do I kill it, the wife and family are a bit miffed now cause if I catch it still will have to be dressed, plucked and stuffed before we can cook it, so it looks as if the Christmas dinner could be delayed a bit.


Might have to resort to some fish fingers, sprouts and chips from the freezer instead.
This sounds like the B story in a Christmas episode of Heartbeat or something
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Old 25-12-2016, 12:55
RobinOfLoxley
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This needs expert advice, not available from amateurs on a forum.

Call 999 and ask them. Their computer is programmed with stock solutions.
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Old 25-12-2016, 13:00
RebelScum
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With great delight.
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Old 25-12-2016, 13:03
muggins14
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This needs expert advice, not available from amateurs on a forum.

Call 999 and ask them. Their computer is programmed with stock solutions.
I don't think it's the stock he's worried about, it's the turkey
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Old 25-12-2016, 13:16
anne_666
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We have the turkey running about the garden and I have spent the last three days trying to catch the damn thing. When, and if, I do catch it how the hell do I kill it, the wife and family are a bit miffed now cause if I catch it still will have to be dressed, plucked and stuffed before we can cook it, so it looks as if the Christmas dinner could be delayed a bit.


Might have to resort to some fish fingers, sprouts and chips from the freezer instead.
This might help
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FE7Y...E7YKu8apPA#t=0
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Old 25-12-2016, 14:03
PunksNotDead
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Give Bernard Matthews a ring.
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Old 25-12-2016, 14:38
bart4858
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We have the turkey running about the garden and I have spent the last three days trying to catch the damn thing. When, and if, I do catch it how the hell do I kill it,
Serious question? I don't know about turkeys but with live chickens, my parents used to twist their necks or cut their throats (while holding the chicken over a bucket to drain the blood).

Getting rid of the feathers is the next stage, then you have to cut it open and remove the insides. Very messy (and smelly).

If you don't have the experience I'm surprised you made this choice given that there it is easy to buy ready-to-cook alternatives.
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Old 25-12-2016, 15:04
jra
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If you don't have the experience I'm surprised you made this choice given that there it is easy to buy ready-to-cook alternatives.
Somehow, I think the OP is making all this up.
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Old 25-12-2016, 15:11
Welsh-lad
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I only know my late gran's method, which is definitely not commensurate with today's regulations for animal slaughter.

You hold the turkey and insert a sharp knife in its mouth. Slit the roof of its mouth and hold the bird by its legs, upside down, while it bleeds out.
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Old 25-12-2016, 17:08
testcard
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Call the SAS (their number is in Yellow Pages). You can hire one of their snipers by the hour.
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Old 25-12-2016, 17:52
TheEricPollard
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My great grandma Biddy used to pluck turkeys.
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Old 25-12-2016, 17:53
Iqoniq
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While I've never hunted turkeys in a garden, I have hunted wild turkeys in a forest and it's remarkably easy to do. Now unless you're a proper hunter then you'll need something like tracker snacks (400 cooking skill, made with one shoveltusk flank and one northern spices, restores 21252 health over 30 seconds and if you spend at least 10 seconds eating then you'll become well fed and be able to track beasts for 1 hour). Then you simply wander up to the turkey and hit it with whatever weapon you have, and it will have no way of hiding because of the track beasts buff. If you're a proper hunter just activate track beasts and do the same.

Should the turkey escape your garden then you'll find quite a few around Trisfall Glades or Elwynn Forest. Just be aware that while the turkeys themselves aren't hostile and can't be aggroed, there are plenty of other critters such as bears, wolves and murlocs that are and can be aggroed fairly easily, but should be easily dealt with as long as you're higher than level 10.

Once you've killed the turkey it will magically depluck and roast itself, but you can enhance the flavour by adding 2 honey and one autumnal herbs to create a slow roasted turkey (280 cooking skill, you'll be restored to full health and mana over 20 seconds, and if you spend at least 10 seconds eating you'll become well fed and gain +1 mastery for an hour).

Also something to remember, is if you can get 40 turkeys with no more than 30 seconds between kills then you'll get the "Turkinator" achievement which is worth 10 achievement points.
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Old 25-12-2016, 17:58
Grouty
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About 40mph should do it.
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Old 25-12-2016, 20:22
sodavlac
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Wring its bleedin' neck!
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Old 25-12-2016, 20:45
WhatJoeThinks
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Ah.. The Good Life. Did you and Barbara ever try wife-swapping with Margo and Jerry, or did it never get past the drunken fumbling stage?
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Old 25-12-2016, 21:20
Caxton
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Give Bernard Matthews a ring.
No good doing that, he will not answer, as he has been dead since 2010
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Old 25-12-2016, 21:24
Grouty
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No good doing that, he will not answer, as he has been dead since 2010
Never heard of a Ouija board
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Old 25-12-2016, 21:56
Steve9214
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There was a story of a guy at a place I worked who bred geese to sell to his colleagues for Xmas.

Despite being a skilled Butcher, he could not bring himself to kill his "pets".
So he got some chloroform, put it on a rag and threw it in the coop.
After an hour or so the geese were all knocked out - so he could do the killing, plucking, dressing etc.

Only problem was - chloroform is highly volatile, and had been absorbed by the fat in the geese's bodies.
When they were put in the oven, the fat melted and released the chloroform into the oven, forming a superheated vapour.
Whoever was standing in front of the oven the first time the door was opened, was immediately gassed unconscious.
There were several people all over London who spent Xmas in hospital recovering from being chloroformed.

And the bird was completely inedible just to add insult to their injury.

Don't try this at home !!
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Old 25-12-2016, 22:02
WhatJoeThinks
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There was a story of a guy at a place I worked who bred geese to sell to his colleagues for Xmas.

Despite being a skilled Butcher, he could not bring himself to kill his "pets".
So he got some chloroform, put it on a rag and threw it in the coop.
After an hour or so the geese were all knocked out - so he could do the killing, plucking, dressing etc.

Only problem was - chloroform is highly volatile, and had been absorbed by the fat in the geese's bodies.
When they were put in the oven, the fat melted and released the chloroform into the oven, forming a superheated vapour.
Whoever was standing in front of the oven the first time the door was opened, was immediately gassed unconscious
.
There were several people all over London who spent Xmas in hospital recovering from being chloroformed.

And the bird was completely inedible just to add insult to their injury.

Don't try this at home !!
LOL! Very amusing.
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Old 26-12-2016, 00:09
Pencil
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Don't kill it... keep it as a pet, give it a name, love it, make it a member of the family, tickle its chin, have it run up to you with delight when you return home from work, teach it some tricks, discover its personality and wait for it to die from old age.

Then eat it for Christmas dinner.
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Old 26-12-2016, 08:16
Ancient IDTV
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No good doing that, he will not answer, as he has been dead since 2010
Yes, I remember reading about that. Is it true that he was killed by his own turkeys, but it was hushed up to protect the brand name?
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Old 26-12-2016, 19:05
WhatJoeThinks
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Yes, I remember reading about that. Is it true that he was killed by his own turkeys, but it was hushed up to protect the brand name?
That's right, Bernard Matthews was pecked to death by his own turkeys.

Spoiler
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Old 26-12-2016, 19:11
Mark39London
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The same way you choke your chicken.
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