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How do you kill a turkey? |
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#1 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 24,059
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How do you kill a turkey?
We have the turkey running about the garden and I have spent the last three days trying to catch the damn thing. When, and if, I do catch it how the hell do I kill it, the wife and family are a bit miffed now cause if I catch it still will have to be dressed, plucked and stuffed before we can cook it, so it looks as if the Christmas dinner could be delayed a bit.
Might have to resort to some fish fingers, sprouts and chips from the freezer instead. |
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#2 |
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: The Pit of Despair
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Just tell it a few corny cracker jokes.
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#3 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 22,432
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Quote:
We have the turkey running about the garden and I have spent the last three days trying to catch the damn thing. When, and if, I do catch it how the hell do I kill it, the wife and family are a bit miffed now cause if I catch it still will have to be dressed, plucked and stuffed before we can cook it, so it looks as if the Christmas dinner could be delayed a bit.
Might have to resort to some fish fingers, sprouts and chips from the freezer instead. ![]()
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#4 |
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Devon
Posts: 12,833
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This needs expert advice, not available from amateurs on a forum.
Call 999 and ask them. Their computer is programmed with stock solutions. |
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#5 |
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Aberdeen
Posts: 12,197
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With great delight.
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#6 |
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 50,147
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Quote:
This needs expert advice, not available from amateurs on a forum.
Call 999 and ask them. Their computer is programmed with stock solutions.
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#7 |
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 30,185
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Quote:
We have the turkey running about the garden and I have spent the last three days trying to catch the damn thing. When, and if, I do catch it how the hell do I kill it, the wife and family are a bit miffed now cause if I catch it still will have to be dressed, plucked and stuffed before we can cook it, so it looks as if the Christmas dinner could be delayed a bit.
Might have to resort to some fish fingers, sprouts and chips from the freezer instead. ![]() https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FE7Y...E7YKu8apPA#t=0 |
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#8 |
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 7,639
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Give Bernard Matthews a ring.
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#9 |
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 8,137
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Quote:
We have the turkey running about the garden and I have spent the last three days trying to catch the damn thing. When, and if, I do catch it how the hell do I kill it,
Getting rid of the feathers is the next stage, then you have to cut it open and remove the insides. Very messy (and smelly). If you don't have the experience I'm surprised you made this choice given that there it is easy to buy ready-to-cook alternatives. |
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#10 |
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Posts: 40,634
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If you don't have the experience I'm surprised you made this choice given that there it is easy to buy ready-to-cook alternatives.
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#11 |
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Mid Wales / Canolbarth Cymru
Posts: 37,481
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I only know my late gran's method, which is definitely not commensurate with today's regulations for animal slaughter.
You hold the turkey and insert a sharp knife in its mouth. Slit the roof of its mouth and hold the bird by its legs, upside down, while it bleeds out. |
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#12 |
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Middle England
Posts: 991
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Call the SAS (their number is in Yellow Pages). You can hire one of their snipers by the hour.
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#13 |
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: 'Dales
Posts: 9,623
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My great grandma Biddy used to pluck turkeys.
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#14 |
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Nottinghamshire
Posts: 2,403
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While I've never hunted turkeys in a garden, I have hunted wild turkeys in a forest and it's remarkably easy to do. Now unless you're a proper hunter then you'll need something like tracker snacks (400 cooking skill, made with one shoveltusk flank and one northern spices, restores 21252 health over 30 seconds and if you spend at least 10 seconds eating then you'll become well fed and be able to track beasts for 1 hour). Then you simply wander up to the turkey and hit it with whatever weapon you have, and it will have no way of hiding because of the track beasts buff. If you're a proper hunter just activate track beasts and do the same.
Should the turkey escape your garden then you'll find quite a few around Trisfall Glades or Elwynn Forest. Just be aware that while the turkeys themselves aren't hostile and can't be aggroed, there are plenty of other critters such as bears, wolves and murlocs that are and can be aggroed fairly easily, but should be easily dealt with as long as you're higher than level 10. Once you've killed the turkey it will magically depluck and roast itself, but you can enhance the flavour by adding 2 honey and one autumnal herbs to create a slow roasted turkey (280 cooking skill, you'll be restored to full health and mana over 20 seconds, and if you spend at least 10 seconds eating you'll become well fed and gain +1 mastery for an hour). Also something to remember, is if you can get 40 turkeys with no more than 30 seconds between kills then you'll get the "Turkinator" achievement which is worth 10 achievement points. |
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#15 |
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: The Nth East
Posts: 21,590
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About 40mph should do it.
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#16 |
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 5,341
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Wring its bleedin' neck!
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#17 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10,220
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Ah.. The Good Life.
Did you and Barbara ever try wife-swapping with Margo and Jerry, or did it never get past the drunken fumbling stage?
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#18 |
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Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 24,059
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Quote:
Give Bernard Matthews a ring.
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#19 |
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: The Nth East
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No good doing that, he will not answer, as he has been dead since 2010
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#20 |
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 6,547
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There was a story of a guy at a place I worked who bred geese to sell to his colleagues for Xmas.
Despite being a skilled Butcher, he could not bring himself to kill his "pets". So he got some chloroform, put it on a rag and threw it in the coop. After an hour or so the geese were all knocked out - so he could do the killing, plucking, dressing etc. Only problem was - chloroform is highly volatile, and had been absorbed by the fat in the geese's bodies. When they were put in the oven, the fat melted and released the chloroform into the oven, forming a superheated vapour. Whoever was standing in front of the oven the first time the door was opened, was immediately gassed unconscious. There were several people all over London who spent Xmas in hospital recovering from being chloroformed. And the bird was completely inedible just to add insult to their injury. Don't try this at home !! |
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#21 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10,220
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Quote:
There was a story of a guy at a place I worked who bred geese to sell to his colleagues for Xmas.
Despite being a skilled Butcher, he could not bring himself to kill his "pets". So he got some chloroform, put it on a rag and threw it in the coop. After an hour or so the geese were all knocked out - so he could do the killing, plucking, dressing etc. Only problem was - chloroform is highly volatile, and had been absorbed by the fat in the geese's bodies. When they were put in the oven, the fat melted and released the chloroform into the oven, forming a superheated vapour. Whoever was standing in front of the oven the first time the door was opened, was immediately gassed unconscious. There were several people all over London who spent Xmas in hospital recovering from being chloroformed. And the bird was completely inedible just to add insult to their injury. Don't try this at home !! Very amusing.
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#22 |
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,251
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Don't kill it... keep it as a pet, give it a name, love it, make it a member of the family, tickle its chin, have it run up to you with delight when you return home from work, teach it some tricks, discover its personality and wait for it to die from old age.
Then eat it for Christmas dinner.
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#23 |
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,120
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Quote:
No good doing that, he will not answer, as he has been dead since 2010
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#24 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10,220
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Quote:
Yes, I remember reading about that. Is it true that he was killed by his own turkeys, but it was hushed up to protect the brand name?
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#25 |
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: London
Posts: 3,855
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The same way you choke your chicken.
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Did you and Barbara ever try wife-swapping with Margo and Jerry, or did it never get past the drunken fumbling stage?
