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Feeling like the ugly friend |
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#1 |
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 87
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Feeling like the ugly friend
Hi, I probably come across as childish here but I don't know what to do. I've suffered from anxiety and low self esteem for as long as I can remember. I used to get called ugly in school I think that's where it began. I always manage to feel like the ugly friend when I'm with my friends and it's so hard. I love my friends and obviously want them to be happy but it's so hard feeling like this. I went to the pub with my friend and she spent most of the night talking to this random bloke, kissing him and holding hands with him, all the time while I had to sit there feeling like a third wheel not really knowing what to do and there wasn't really anywhere for me to go. He then told me when she went to the loo that as soon as he saw us both he thought wow your mate is fit. It's not even that i was jealous I just felt again like I'm the one no one fancies.
Now I feel guilty that my mate probably thought I was being selfish and I suppose I was. I just wish I could feel like the one that the guy fancies for once. I feel so lonely. How do I get over this and start being more confident in myself. I don't want to lose friends either if they just think I'm self centred 😕 |
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#2 |
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 25,048
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I think it is your friend who was being selfish actually. Very bad manners.
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#3 |
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,481
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I can empathise with you OP. I've often felt like that myself in the past, although without the anxiety problem. I think what made me feel better is to remember that there will be guys out there who would pick you, you just haven't met them yet. It could also be (as it was with me when I was younger) that because of your low self-esteem you aren't coming across as being confident or as bubbly/chatty as your friend - I've learned over the years that you just have to talk to people (they're only people just like you after all).
I can also sympathise with the bullying you received at school - again, I know how that feels and it can take a long time to get over. Perhaps a bit of counselling might help you overcome it? There are also practical things you can do, such as not going on a night out with just one other friend, especially if she is likely to spend it kissing a guy and ignoring you. Going out as a group is usually a safer bet, as it's unlikely that everyone will will go off with a man! Finally (sorry for the long post!), I wish you well and hope that you start to feel better about yourself soon, and remember that the men who aren't interested in you probably aren't the ones you'd really want anyway. |
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#4 |
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,752
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OP, you've made me teary. You sound like a truly lovely person. Hang tight, you will be the chosen one soon I'm sure.
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#5 |
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
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Agreed, your friend was the one being self-centred. Does she do this a lot? If so, I'd say she's not a real friend but is using you to be her side-kick while she goes on the pull, so you should consider getting new friends.
Also, the way to feel more confident is to stop measuring your self-worth by what men think of you. I know that's easier said than done, as I used to be like you in my teens and early 20s. Then I went travelling, learnt languages, took up new hobbies and met new friends. I would suggest trying some of these things, as focusing on achieving things and having new experiences will take your mind off worrying about your looks (which I'm sure there's nothing wrong with, btw). It doesn't have to be anything drastic, just something like trying out a new activity, or aiming to become more skilled at something you already do, or going for a day trip somewhere you haven't been before. Forget about men for now. As you your self-esteem improves and you achieve more things, love/attraction will happen naturally because people are drawn to confident people who do interesting things. Good luck! |
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#6 |
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 17,384
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Your friend is using you as her wingman.....I'd tell her to sling her hook
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#7 |
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,086
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Quote:
Agreed, your friend was the one being self-centred. Does she do this a lot? If so, I'd say she's not a real friend but is using you to be her side-kick while she goes on the pull, so you should consider getting new friends.
Also, the way to feel more confident is to stop measuring your self-worth by what men think of you. I know that's easier said than done, as I used to be like you in my teens and early 20s. Then I went travelling, learnt languages, took up new hobbies and met new friends. I would suggest trying some of these things, as focusing on achieving things and having new experiences will take your mind off worrying about your looks (which I'm sure there's nothing wrong with, btw). It doesn't have to be anything drastic, just something like trying out a new activity, or aiming to become more skilled at something you already do, or going for a day trip somewhere you haven't been before. Forget about men for now. As you your self-esteem improves and you achieve more things, love/attraction will happen naturally because people are drawn to confident people who do interesting things. Good luck! My daughter has been treated in that "ugly friend" way and exactly the same sort of thing happened to her, and I was appalled. She has a busy life and tries not to get into that kind of situation again. It's awful and horrible and kills you. It's also bloody rude and your friend is a load of crap for daring to treat you in that way. If she wants to go on the pull, let her go on her own! You are worth so much more. So - New Year's Day. What's your new year resolutions? What new and exciting thing are you planning? You only live once - make it a good one! |
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#8 |
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,019
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Yes your friend was unthinking and inconsiderate to get involved with the lad when she was out with just you.
You sound like a nice girl. There's someone out there for everyone, and it won't be long before someone finds you. In the meantime just be relaxed about it. A watched pot never boils. |
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#9 |
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 2,068
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Well, yes, your friend sounds like a very inconsiderate person and I suggest not going out with just her. You don't sound in the least bit selfish.
Anyway, Mrs Wombat occasionally tells me that she feels old, frumpy and/or ugly. I tell her that she she looks beautiful and has my favourite face in the world, and it's true. Beauty is subjective and I think she's cute as a button. Of course I see her through rose-tinted glasses, because I love her to bits. And when you find the right guy he'll tell you the same thing. |
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#10 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: In a building
Posts: 23,980
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Quote:
Hi, I probably come across as childish here but I don't know what to do. I've suffered from anxiety and low self esteem for as long as I can remember. I used to get called ugly in school I think that's where it began. I always manage to feel like the ugly friend when I'm with my friends and it's so hard. I love my friends and obviously want them to be happy but it's so hard feeling like this. I went to the pub with my friend and she spent most of the night talking to this random bloke, kissing him and holding hands with him, all the time while I had to sit there feeling like a third wheel not really knowing what to do and there wasn't really anywhere for me to go. He then told me when she went to the loo that as soon as he saw us both he thought wow your mate is fit. It's not even that i was jealous I just felt again like I'm the one no one fancies.
Now I feel guilty that my mate probably thought I was being selfish and I suppose I was. I just wish I could feel like the one that the guy fancies for once. I feel so lonely. How do I get over this and start being more confident in myself. I don't want to lose friends either if they just think I'm self centred 😕 Some people out there, they just like hurting others and picking on vulnerable people! And they go for what hurts the most, they are just damn right mean. They know targeting personal appearance will effect those people in a negative way! As for going out with friends, it can turn out a bit how you describe when there are only two of you on a night out. And if your friend is bubbly outgoing with charisma, unfortunately a guy will probably go for that. Not always though, remember there will be guys out there who feel the same way you currently do. Those guys wont go for your friend. Maybe try going out in a slightly larger group. For the reasons I mentioned above. |
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#11 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 87
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Thanks for all the lovely replies. It's nice to know people understand and care.
I know this year I am going to have to work on my confidence. I've had weight problems recently which has really knocked me so I'm determined to lose that weight and get my confidence and feel good about myself. Maybe last night was the push I needed to realise I don't want to feel like this anymore X |
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#12 |
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 6,365
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Op I think a lot of us will have been where you are. I went out a while back with someone who was more of a neighbour than a close friend. I was looking forward to a rare night out in the pub and the chance of a chat. Well there was a group of men by the bar and she was just so confident with them - exchanging repartee like she had known them all her life. By now it was as if I might as well not have been there. A veritable performance kicked in. she was possibly scintillating like I had never seen her before. As for the blokes, they were like rabbits caught in a car headlight. Fortunately I could talk to some other people who turned up but she was centre stage and loving it. Was she good looking? No. She was fat with terrible skin - the first thing she did in the morning was slap foundation on like a trowel. But she was like a magnet to these blokes and actually ended up dating one of them. So it's not always looks.
Just relax. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you look at it logically society would be in a bit of a pickle if only good looking people dated and mated . I took some comfort in the fact that in that same pub there was a lovely but really overweight female with a gorgeous boyfriend. Yet they were both so clearly an item... Ultimately it's about how two people connect.
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#13 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: In a building
Posts: 23,980
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Quote:
Op I think a lot of us will have been where you are. I went out a while back with someone who was more of a neighbour than a close friend. I was looking forward to a rare night out in the pub and the chance of a chat. Well there was a group of men by the bar and she was just so confident with them - exchanging repartee like she had known them all her life. By now it was as if I might as well not have been there. A veritable performance kicked in. she was possibly scintillating like I had never seen her before. As for the blokes, they were like rabbits caught in a car headlight. Fortunately I could talk to some other people who turned up but she was centre stage and loving it. Was she good looking? No. She was fat with terrible skin - the first thing she did in the morning was slap foundation on like a trowel. But she was like a magnet to these blokes and actually ended up dating one of them. So it's not always looks.
Just relax. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you look at it logically society would be in a bit of a pickle if only good looking people dated and mated . I took some comfort in the fact that in that same pub there was a lovely but really overweight female with a gorgeous boyfriend. Yet they were both so clearly an item... Ultimately it's about how two people connect.What I mean is, those people who are full of charisma, they are often instantly attractive to others. But most folks, do need someone who is willing to get to know them before there character shows properly. |
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#14 |
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 11,738
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You need a hug from us all OP. Many years ago I was the ugly friend, and it must be said I was no oil painting, but looking back, my problem was lack of self confidence, my friends were all more outgoing than me, I sat quietly looking at the floor.
It is selfish of your mate to ignore you in favour of the bloke, but that's her being insensitive. Maybe you need to work on your confidence, and snogging some random bloke isn't you, is it, and he wouldn't be your type. Some of us take more time than others to find our feet socially, and you will in time, promise. |
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#15 |
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 6,365
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What I mean is, those people who are full of charisma, they are often instantly attractive to others. But most folks, do need someone who is willing to get to know them before there character shows properly.
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#16 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Londonia :o>
Posts: 11,144
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Quote:
I can empathise with you OP. I've often felt like that myself in the past, although without the anxiety problem. I think what made me feel better is to remember that there will be guys out there who would pick you, you just haven't met them yet. It could also be (as it was with me when I was younger) that because of your low self-esteem you aren't coming across as being confident or as bubbly/chatty as your friend - I've learned over the years that you just have to talk to people (they're only people just like you after all).
I can also sympathise with the bullying you received at school - again, I know how that feels and it can take a long time to get over. Perhaps a bit of counselling might help you overcome it? There are also practical things you can do, such as not going on a night out with just one other friend, especially if she is likely to spend it kissing a guy and ignoring you. Going out as a group is usually a safer bet, as it's unlikely that everyone will will go off with a man! Finally (sorry for the long post!), I wish you well and hope that you start to feel better about yourself soon, and remember that the men who aren't interested in you probably aren't the ones you'd really want anyway. Quote:
Thanks for all the lovely replies. It's nice to know people understand and care.
I know this year I am going to have to work on my confidence. I've had weight problems recently which has really knocked me so I'm determined to lose that weight and get my confidence and feel good about myself. Maybe last night was the push I needed to realise I don't want to feel like this anymore X ![]() This is one of the points the replies have been making. I also agree with the sentiments made about your friend's actions. It may not be done intentionally but it does come over as she just thought about herself and herself only. She reminds me of a 'friend' I was close with, some might say she was prettier than me, but there were more times when we both pulled than just her. There was one time when the guy she had an eye on for some time finally made his way over to us - only to chat me up instead her. She was so annoyed to be the one sitting there that she walked off into a cab and went home, whereas if she had been the one being chatted up, I'd just get on with the evening but wouldn't leave without her. That opened my eyes for me. |
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#17 |
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Whimberry picking on t'hill
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Hi, I probably come across as childish here but I don't know what to do. I've suffered from anxiety and low self esteem for as long as I can remember. I used to get called ugly in school I think that's where it began. I always manage to feel like the ugly friend when I'm with my friends and it's so hard. I love my friends and obviously want them to be happy but it's so hard feeling like this. I went to the pub with my friend and she spent most of the night talking to this random bloke, kissing him and holding hands with him, all the time while I had to sit there feeling like a third wheel not really knowing what to do and there wasn't really anywhere for me to go. He then told me when she went to the loo that as soon as he saw us both he thought wow your mate is fit. It's not even that i was jealous I just felt again like I'm the one no one fancies.
Now I feel guilty that my mate probably thought I was being selfish and I suppose I was. I just wish I could feel like the one that the guy fancies for once. I feel so lonely. How do I get over this and start being more confident in myself. I don't want to lose friends either if they just think I'm self centred 😕 Her behaviour was selfish and ignorant. |
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#18 |
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: In a building
Posts: 23,980
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Wise words. The important thing is to be yourself. The best thing ever is when someone turns up who likes you as you are. It's worth waiting for.
A small number of people have the Robbie Williams stage persona bags of charisma, every where they go. ( of course they can still can turn out to be an arsehole, just like anyone else can )But it is a small number. Most people don't have that. |
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#19 |
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: In a building
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You were not being selfish at all. However, your friend was. If you don't want to lose your friendship I would have a quiet word with her and explain how awkward she made you feel.
Her behaviour was selfish and ignorant. |
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#20 |
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,281
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This post is totally spot on - more than you may think at the moment, OP. There's a great ad at the moment showing three girls and each one starts with the caption "I am pretty". I thought "Shame" - but then it went on "I am pretty...determined" or whatever the attribute was. If your stretch yourself in the way vintage_girl suggests, your confidence will grow by a mile AND you'll have fun.
My daughter has been treated in that "ugly friend" way and exactly the same sort of thing happened to her, and I was appalled. She has a busy life and tries not to get into that kind of situation again. It's awful and horrible and kills you. It's also bloody rude and your friend is a load of crap for daring to treat you in that way. If she wants to go on the pull, let her go on her own! You are worth so much more. So - New Year's Day. What's your new year resolutions? What new and exciting thing are you planning? You only live once - make it a good one! I had one "friend" who'd invite me out for a "girls' night" at the pub, then show up wearing next to nothing and flirt with absolutely every man who showed her attention (which was many, including really dodgy ones) for the whole night, while I was forced to make small talk with their awful mates. The second time she did it, I just took my bag and coat and left. Op, it's true, you deserve much more! |
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#21 |
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 16,298
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I think it is your friend who was being selfish actually. Very bad manners.
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#22 |
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 9,197
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Was she good looking? No. She was fat with terrible skin - the first thing she did in the morning was slap foundation on like a trowel. But she was like a magnet to these blokes and actually ended up dating one of them. So it's not always looks.
Just relax. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you look at it logically society would be in a bit of a pickle if only good looking people dated and mated . I took some comfort in the fact that in that same pub there was a lovely but really overweight female with a gorgeous boyfriend.What's the difference between "fat" with terrible skin" and "lovely but really overweight" If "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? |
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#23 |
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 6,365
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Hmm......
What's the difference between "fat" with terrible skin" and "lovely but really overweight" If "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? But the second was just natural with everyone (as was her face). So there is hope for all of us - whether you are someone who 'scintillates' or puts out in front of an audience or whether you are the quiet on in a corner who is 'unattractive' in terms of conventional beauty. 'Hmm' back at ya
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#24 |
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,190
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I've been exactly in this situation with my best friend as a teenager, the problem I realised is that I retreated even more into my shell with her there whereas with other friends I would be more outgoing and lively and get more attention. We got together recently and the same thing happened, it brought back all those awful feelings when a group of men were swarming round her and one said (in my presence) she was the only pretty lady they had seen that evening. Unfortunately for, her she has gone from one terrible relationship to another for years whereas I have a lovely husband and family, she has found it hard to meet a genuine nice man as she was attracting superficial types.
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#25 |
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gloucestershire, England
Posts: 4,782
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Well Eeyore, I (as a guy) can relate; if I'm out with a group of friends (male friends) there are two guys within the group that get the female attention, although to date only one of those two guys has ditched the group to try his luck.
Still, some people just have that appealing factor about them, and they'll attract the views. That being said, just because something looks nice, doesn't mean it is; you can polish a turd, but it's still a turd. My point here is that whilst some people are noticed for their appearance, it seems whatever comes out of that is short term. It's not until people get to actually know each other for longer than a few hours that connections are truly made. That initial "you're hot" is going to fade away, whereas your personality will always remain, and if you're with the right person, will be a core factor to a friendship/relationship. I would also echo what others have said too - if you were out with a friend, and her attention wasn't on you, then that's just her being selfish, plain and simple. It's no different from going out with a friend (or group of) who keep texting or looking at messages etc on their phones. It's rude and inappropriate. |
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. I took some comfort in the fact that in that same pub there was a lovely but really overweight female with a gorgeous boyfriend. Yet they were both so clearly an item... Ultimately it's about how two people connect.