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Feeling like the ugly friend |
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#26 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 87
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Quote:
I've been exactly in this situation with my best friend as a teenager, the problem I realised is that I retreated even more into my shell with her there whereas with other friends I would be more outgoing and lively and get more attention. We got together recently and the same thing happened, it brought back all those awful feelings when a group of men were swarming round her and one said (in my presence) she was the only pretty lady they had seen that evening. Unfortunately for, her she has gone from one terrible relationship to another for years whereas I have a lovely husband and family, she has found it hard to meet a genuine nice man as she was attracting superficial types.
Good for you that you have a lovely husband and family, gives me hope that despite me not being as outgoing or confident as my friends it doesn't mean I can't find happiness with the right person
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#27 |
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,333
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I spent much of my youth feeling like the fat, ugly friend. My best friend from childhood turned into a 'right man eating little madam' (to use my mum's words) once puberty kicked in, and I was always the short, plump, unfashionable wingman at her side. (Age 13 I was the walking incarnation of Meg Griffin.) Went on holiday to Majorca with her family, met two brothers the same age as us... they both fancied her. She dated boys all the way through high school, a constant stream of them. We went to a drama club together and surprise surprise, the few teenage boys who attended all seemed to fancy her! I remember moaning to Mum that I always felt unattractive and as though I'd never get a boyfriend. Mum's reply was that I was a lovely girl, and girls 'like me' weren't the sort to have strings of boyfriends; but one day I'd find someone and fall in love and that would be it. I wouldn't have to chase anybody. I think she meant that I was never going to have bags of sexual charisma, never going to turn heads when I walked into a room - but I had good qualities enough to attract someone worth attracting. And guess what? That's exactly what happened. Had a few boyfriends, a few drunken flirty nights when I reached sixth form - but a few months before my 17th I met my husband in a mosh pit. We've been together nearly 15 years, married 4. It was just a case of waiting until the right man came along.
My friend, on the other hand, went from one relationship to another. She was rarely single, but every time you looked on her FB profile she had another boyfriend. She got engaged this Christmas, so it looks as though she's finally found a keeper - fifteen years after I met mine. Looking back, I think a big part of her appeal was that she reached sexual maturity early. I wouldn't say she was pretty at all, but she had big boobs and round hips. She became 'man mad' (her words) in high school and I'm pretty sure she was sexually active in year 8. (She used to mime what she'd been up to with her latest boyfriend. Yuck.) And when you just ooze sexual promise, I think it's quite easy to find a man of sorts. But by the time she was in year 11 she'd done so much with so many lads in our school year that she'd developed a 'name' for herself. Her ex 'boyfriends' were often unkind about her in public. In retrospect I wish I'd not bothered defending her, because all I got was abuse off them for years. At the end of the day, nobody really respected her, and that was very sad. She thought she was popular, but she was just promiscuous. We drifted apart - I went to sixth form, she went to college - and we had little to do with one another until my wedding, when I invited her along. We arranged to go out for a few drinks for old times' sake, and I realised she'd not changed at all. She basically dragged me round pubs while she looked for blokes to chat up. (Even at my wedding she tried to persuade me to 'hook her up' with a male colleague!) She ended up having sex (or oral sex at the very least) with hubby's best friend in our kitchen. That was when I knew I was going to let us 'drift apart' once again. Our friendship, which she claimed was so important to her, was just another means of getting access to men. And what is pathetic is that as she got closer to 30 she just began to reek of desperation. Any port in a storm, any man would do. Looking at her now, I can't believe that I ever wanted to be like her. Or be 'popular' like her. And the point of this essay? Over the years I have learnt the following: - Don't value your own worth by your popularity with the other sex. Not all men want to sit in pubs snogging all night. - A friend who ditches you for a guy isn't really a friend at all. Sure you might see less of her when she's in the 'honeymoon phase' of a relationship, but if she leaves you alone in a club to eat someone else's face then she isn't worth much. - Don't compare yourself to other people. Love yourself, and it makes it easy for others to see all the wonderful qualities you have. As for 'having a bit of a weight problem' and 'feeling ugly'... you don't need to overcome these before you can feel confident about yourself. Be proud of yourself NOW. Not easy if you've been bullied (as I was), but if you start telling yourself that you're fabulous then it becomes easier to act fabulous. 'Yeah, I need to drop a few pounds. I'm working on it. But while I'm working on it I'll continue being my usual awesome self.' Don't think about who you want to be, think about who you are and what makes her great. |
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#28 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 13,309
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One day you'll look back and realise how shallow it all was. Being picked up in a pub because you're pretty - eww, you don't need that! Unless all you aspire to is a partner who thinks prettiness is the only thing, and then he'll leave you when another pretty girl catches his eye.
It's not even flattering, and it's not real, and it doesn't last. |
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#29 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: London Town
Posts: 141
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I think many of us have been in your position and deep inside I still see myself as the Fat Ugly Friend who's always the wingman to her cuter slightly younger cousin. If I'm with other woman I tend to still see myself as the "Penny" of the group
As you say the solution is largely in your own hands, first of all be good to your body (Yes I know I sound like a Women's Health Magazine) but once you start to feel good about it then that helps a ton. You will probably never be as beautiful as the star on the cover of one of those magazines but it's also important to learn what your fit body is able to do Confidence is the hard one, try to find people who like you and are there for you, it's incredibly easy to get in with a crowd of people who will not be there for you. Try to find things that you like doing and join clubs and societies with people who like doing it Upon moving the the UK I joined a cycling group and in so doing discovered a whole new set of friends, I didn't do it to meet my Significant Other I did it so I would spend time doing things I liked and with people who liked doing those things and discovered people who liked me Confidence is largely illusionary I still feel physically sick when I go out on stage to speak to people in a conference. Lots would say I'm a confident person but inside I'm on a tightrope wobbling As others have said, never value your own worth by what men especially those who don't know you. basically what really matters what you and your closest real friends think |
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