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Am I over reacting? Dating advice


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Old 03-01-2017, 20:01
Flash525
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1) How long has he been on the site? I found that most men worth knowing were snapped up quickly and the long term ones were either damaged goods or players. Sounds awful but it's true.
I can't help but thing you're ruling a lot of people out here. There are a lot of guys on these sites that are genuine and sincere, and yet simply aren't given the time of day because they aren't (at least) an 8/10. They're not damaged goods or players, they're just not high-end lookers; just because the average guy has been on the site a while, it doesn't mean they're a lost cause. I know there's a bunch of women on PoF that have been on there an age - are they damaged goods or players too? I think unlikely (if their profiles are anything to go by). I figure they just have high standards. I know I don't meet them, but they're ultimately still there - the same place as me!
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Old 03-01-2017, 21:31
mrsgrumpy49
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I can't help but thing you're ruling a lot of people out here. There are a lot of guys on these sites that are genuine and sincere, and yet simply aren't given the time of day because they aren't (at least) an 8/10!
Really? My friends and I weren't looking for an 8 out of 10. We were looking for someone genuine with a pulse who didn't have a wife or a partner or half a dozen other women in the background. And yes it's true. All too often the ones who were telling porkies about their status turned out to be the ones who had been kicking around for a long time. Others had had had damaging relationships or were simply strange. I met a couple who could only go on and on about what the ex wife had done to them. They weren't actually ready for a relationship and I wasn't keen on being a therapist. You could see why some were on date no 38 (yes one man I met was totting them up).
The ones without any major problems, who weren't playing around or who weren't hanging out for someone younger, thinner and better looking than them, usually came and went within 6 months.
Now of course all the above is a generalisation and I wouldn't 'rule out' someone because of it. But it should at least put you on the alert.
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Old 03-01-2017, 22:27
Laurel1ne
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Quite possibly this. You're reluctant to meet (or haven't met due to other reasons) and he's decided that you're too hard to get lucky with. If that's the case, then it's a lucky escape for you.

You can't really judge someone from what they say in a message though. Do some investigating? You have his number, drop it in Facebook, see if it'll bring up his profile, if it does, take a look around. No harm in doing a little research for a proposed date beforehand.
If you have his photo, Google Image Search. One Guy I was texting I found the photos belonged to someone else, some lifestyle coach in the US
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Old 03-01-2017, 22:37
Laurel1ne
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I can't help but thing you're ruling a lot of people out here. There are a lot of guys on these sites that are genuine and sincere, and yet simply aren't given the time of day because they aren't (at least) an 8/10. They're not damaged goods or players, they're just not high-end lookers; just because the average guy has been on the site a while, it doesn't mean they're a lost cause. I know there's a bunch of women on PoF that have been on there an age - are they damaged goods or players too? I think unlikely (if their profiles are anything to go by). I figure they just have high standards. I know I don't meet them, but they're ultimately still there - the same place as me!
Maybe you're right but I have to concur, Generally I find, the longer they've been on a dating site I do start to wonder "what's wrong with them" ? either other women are trying them out and putting them back on the shelf quickly or maybe their standards are too high

I'm sure the same is true for women who've been on a dating site for an age

There were some men whom I met and liked, for some reason we didn't click and they were gone within months. Many of those whom I met and thought "Definitely Not" were on there for a very long time
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Old 03-01-2017, 23:09
puffenstuff
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Some of the men on dating sites have been on for a while and are absolutely fine.
I met my husband through a Lonely Heart advert. Long before the Internet.
He had tried for years to get a girlfriend. He had never been successful.
He himself put it down to living at home with his mum and not having a very well paid job.

Luckily for me those were not my criteria for dismissing a man and he has been the most amazing husband.

Yes he was shy and lonely, but he is a lovely person and he just wanted to settle down and have a family like most of us do.

To be honest I am surprised he was overlooked, it was a mystery to me, being a bit shallow here but he was/is very good looking.

I have come to the conclusion that some men and women are too fussy. Always looking for a better model, or thinking there is someone better out there, instead of trying to work with what they have and build a relationship with a real human being, with real feelings.
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Old 04-01-2017, 12:08
mrsgrumpy49
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Luckily for me those were not my criteria for dismissing a man and he has been the most amazing husband.

Yes he was shy and lonely, but he is a lovely person and he just wanted to settle down and have a family like most of us do.

To be honest I am surprised he was overlooked, it was a mystery to me, being a bit shallow here but he was/is very good looking.

I have come to the conclusion that some men and women are too fussy. Always looking for a better model, or thinking there is someone better out there, instead of trying to work with what they have and build a relationship with a real human being, with real feelings.
Nobody has said it should be criteria for dismissing anyone. It was a generalisation.
And yes people do get overlooked. Though it was my experience that that men generally were more picky than females. It was the experience of me and my friends that generally men were hanging out for someone a lot younger than them. Same age? Not interested. Glad you found a good un anyway.
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Old 04-01-2017, 12:30
Jason100
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I can't help but thing you're ruling a lot of people out here. There are a lot of guys on these sites that are genuine and sincere, and yet simply aren't given the time of day
When i tried POF all i saw was girls asking where the above kind of man was you mentioned. If i sent a message to one of those profiles describing myself as one of those men, my message just got read and no reply.
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Old 04-01-2017, 12:32
Mustabuster
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Who would describe themselves as fake and insincere though?

You don't say it. It has to come through in your profile.
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Old 04-01-2017, 14:40
Flash525
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The ones without any major problems, who weren't playing around or who weren't hanging out for someone younger, thinner and better looking than them, usually came and went within 6 months. Now of course all the above is a generalisation and I wouldn't 'rule out' someone because of it. But it should at least put you on the alert.
But why?

I'm going to use myself as an example here - because I can I guess, but I've been on dating sites, and have used the apps. I don't have any baggage or major problems, come to think of it, I don't have any minor problems either, yet women just aren't interested. I'd probably say I'm average looking (at best), and in my experience, that just isn't good enough for most people.

It's expected in this day and age that people want (and think they deserve) the best; few will settle for less. It may be a generation thing, but from my perspective, and the experiences I've had, it's all too common. I know there are other posters here on DS that are in the same situation as me too.

Maybe you're right but I have to concur, Generally I find, the longer they've been on a dating site I do start to wonder "what's wrong with them" ? either other women are trying them out and putting them back on the shelf quickly or maybe their standards are too high.
It's likely a bit of both. As I mentioned earlier, there are some women I've noticed who have been on PoF for the same length of time as me (if not longer); either they're coming and going because their dates aren't working out (in which case, maybe it's them) or they're just looking for Mr Perfect.

There were some men whom I met and liked, for some reason we didn't click and they were gone within months. Many of those whom I met and thought "Definitely Not" were on there for a very long time
But why did you think Definitely Not? Was it their appearance (in which case, my above point stands) or was there another reason? If it was due to a lacking of spark, you'd think, with all the people using these sites that there would be a spark between people of similar nature.

Dating sites are like shop windows; you're only going to try something on if you like the initial look of it. If that doesn't stand out, why are you going to take an interest?

I have come to the conclusion that some men and women are too fussy. Always looking for a better model, or thinking there is someone better out there, instead of trying to work with what they have and build a relationship with a real human being, with real feelings.
I'm going to have to agree with this. Many people are simply too fussy, especially if appearances are being judged.

And yes people do get overlooked. Though it was my experience that that men generally were more picky than females. It was the experience of me and my friends that generally men were hanging out for someone a lot younger than them. Same age? Not interested. Glad you found a good un anyway.
Really? Depending on your age (I'm not asking) it's possible men of similar age (and that generation) are interested in the younger model, but in my generation, it seems that women (of similar age) are more picky, and that men (and women) use these sites not for the dates they claim to want, but rather to see how much action they can get and how quickly.

When i tried POF all i saw was girls asking where the above kind of man was you mentioned. If i sent a message to one of those profiles describing myself as one of those men, my message just got read and no reply.
Haha, yeah, there's a lot of that isn't there? Somewhat hypocritical of them; they want a good guy, but aren't willing to give a good guy a chance unless he looks the part.
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Old 04-01-2017, 15:23
Laurel1ne
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Nobody has said it should be criteria for dismissing anyone. It was a generalisation.
And yes people do get overlooked. Though it was my experience that that men generally were more picky than females. It was the experience of me and my friends that generally men were hanging out for someone a lot younger than them. Same age? Not interested. Glad you found a good un anyway.
Reminds me of one date, I arrived and obviously his photo on the site was about 10 years earlier, either that of he'd got old very quickly

Date was ok, he texted me the next day to say that in my photos he thought I was a lot slimmer
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Old 04-01-2017, 16:40
Laurel1ne
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But why did you think Definitely Not? Was it their appearance (in which case, my above point stands) or was there another reason? If it was due to a lacking of spark, you'd think, with all the people using these sites that there would be a spark between people of similar nature.

Dating sites are like shop windows; you're only going to try something on if you like the initial look of it. If that doesn't stand out, why are you going to take an interest?
I tend to like to get the 1st date over with within a week at most two of us connecting on whatever Dating Site it is and I generally don't like texting or speaking too much beforehand. Have a little bit of a chat to try and measure how compatible we really are but not too much.

I can't think of anyone who I've connected with and not gone on a subsequent date because of my backing out. There have been quite a few that have fizzled out before we got to the date

If I'm going on a first date, then I'm going with the expectation there will be a 2nd date, if not why am I wasting my time getting up and going out. I know there are many men who view a lot of women on Dating Sites as women who're just looking to be fed for free, but in my experience most of my friends are of the same mind

So when going on the date I'm kind of looking for reasons why I may not want the 2nd date. It's kind of a point system, some start-off closer to the cut-off point than others but I like to think I give any man a fair chance

Honesty is a big plus, please look like your photo, I had one guy plaintively telling me that he'd discovered that if he posted pictures of how he looks now then no-one contacted him and he was about 10 years older than he'd originally stated. The date went kind of okay and almost gave him a 2nd date but he did go a bit weird on me

Sticking with honesty, be who you say you are. In my profile I'm very specific on income and geography, Not because I think people who earn more are better but I find the disparity causes problems. So meeting a guy who then reveals he's actually just left his job to go back to University is many points off the list. Similarly I'm Geographic specific because I don't fancy having to commute across London every few evenings and then to meet someone who actually lives in Manchester but lied because he wanted to meet me is another problem

I just generally think if they're lying on Date #1 what are they like a year down the road

Similarly personality, be nice to Waitstaff is always the big must-do, but then sitting with someone who is asking the waitress a 1,000 questions about the menu is really offputting. Then there's just general personality,

Also be entertaining if anything the date is supposed to be fun, I'm trying to be witty and telling you fun stories, but getting anything out of you is like chipping away at a lump of granite

Sometimes you just don't click, we both like films, books ...etc. but it's just not the same things. I've had a couple of dates which have practically checked every box but sometimes we're struggling for things to talk about before the main course is over.

Then of course the big one This is not a Therapy Session I do not want to know what a horrible person your ex-wife is, how lovely your dead wife was, why your kids/parents aren't talking to you, why your boss hates you (or due to my profile requirements why your employees hate you)

Then also importantly Don't be Weird, I can't stress this enough I've had quite a few dates that have ended with me glad that the only contact details we have is via a text. Though one guy did say he's "researched" me and knew who I worked for, what speeches I've given at what conferences ...etc. I kind of expected him to reappear after I'd given him a "no thanks" text but surprisingly he hasn't

Another told me that he'd taken a Viagra pill a few hours ago so we could take a couple of hours over dinner before it was ready (where's the yikes icon when you need one ?)

Still with the being weird the date isn't over until it's over, a few great dates have failed due to post restaurant action. Of course there's always the ones who think that you're going to sleep with them after the 1st date. I don't mind them necessarily thinking they might be able to. I have a couple of time. But if I refuse spending a night receiving text messages about what a B*** I am doesn't get a 2nd date

And a dick pic on the morning after is a no no
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Old 04-01-2017, 18:00
Flash525
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Thought about writing a book Laurel1ne?

I tend to like to get the 1st date over with within a week at most two of us connecting on whatever Dating Site it is and I generally don't like texting or speaking too much beforehand. Have a little bit of a chat to try and measure how compatible we really are but not too much.
I would like to think a first date should happen within a week or two also, save pottering around exchanging too many messages, but that hasn't worked for me yet!

Still with the being weird the date isn't over until it's over, a few great dates have failed due to post restaurant action. Of course there's always the ones who think that you're going to sleep with them after the 1st date. I don't mind them necessarily thinking they might be able to. I have a couple of time. But if I refuse spending a night receiving text messages about what a B*** I am doesn't get a 2nd date.
Poor Losers, obviously!

And a dick pic on the morning after is a no no
Never understood why people do this. Surely the percentage of women that suddenly decide "yeah, I'll have some of that now that he's posted me that picture" to be minimal.

Regarding everything else you've said, you obviously know exactly what you want; and likewise, what you don't. Plenty of dating experience too, most of which I'm in agreement with.
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Old 04-01-2017, 18:13
gdjman68wasdigi
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I met the love of my life on here..

4 months ago, never looked back.
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Old 04-01-2017, 18:16
HenryGarten
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If you need advice, it is not it!
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Old 04-01-2017, 23:05
Laurel1ne
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Thought about writing a book Laurel1ne?
Unfortunately judging by friends experiences, mine are not particularly different to theirs.
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Old Yesterday, 14:50
Harvey_Specter
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I've been talking to a man for about 4 weeks now after talking to him on Plenty of Fish. He has asked me out about 2 weeks ago but things have got in the way (a good reason) and we've yet to actually meet.

We have however been messaging everyday, and I have ended up really liking him. He's often giving me compliments and saying all the right things so I assumed he liked me too.

However, it's becoming very frustrating trying to keep a conversation going with him as it can take hours and hours to even get a reply, which is fair enough if he's busy. But I've just logged onto my pof account and seen he has been online today. Am I over reacting here? I've had no interest in talking to anyone since getting to know him over texts, but clearly I'm the only one who had this idea
Get his number and speak to him every day. Also, add him on facebook to check he's who he says he is and not married or some kind of catfish.
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Old Yesterday, 16:19
The Amazing
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Who would describe themselves as fake and insincere though?
I did. I once made the most nihilistic dating profile in the world. Unsurprisingly, I got no messages, but I did get a surprising number of Likes.

I also remember getting a message from a woman in America who said I 'sounded nice' in my profile. My profile at that time was nothing but the lyrics to Mmmbop.
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