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EASTENDERS - Pointers to help SOC out....seen as he isn't up to the job


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Old Yesterday, 18:31
sorcha_healy27
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Lol Aura

I know we butted heads earlier but I genuinely enjoy your posts aside from when I get called a cult member
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Old Yesterday, 19:00
jumpingbudgie
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 185
Or how about this...?

A private jet crashes on the Albert, killing Kim and some another character I don't like. The jet belongs to Janine, who emerges from the flaming ruins of the Albert and announces she's buying the Vic with a secret silent partner, who turns out to be Mark Jnr. Mark and Ben have a torrid affair.

Stacey grows closer to Max until Martin, tormented by jealousy, calls Tanya who arrives back in the Square along with her long lost sister Mary the Punk. Mary embarks on a lesbian affair with an older woman she's meets at the Vic, but Tanya is horrified to discover that the mysterious woman is actually Cora. Much drama ensues when the incestuous affair is revealed. Distraught, Mary has a torrid affair with Ben.

Michelle 2.0 has a horrific road accident (in which another character I don't like is killed) and has to have major reconstructive surgery which is funded by a secret donor. As her bandages are removed she finds she has been restored to Michelle 1.0. The secret donor turns out to be Lofty, who has returned to the Square after making his fortune selling gummy parrots to tourists in Morocco. Martin is so impressed with the results he blackmails Lofty into funding his own surgery, and turns back into James Alexandrou. Destitute, Lofty has a steamy affair with Ben.

Mick Carter chokes to death after attempting to beat the world record for Cockney rhyming slang, forcing Linda to return from Spain with her paralysed mum Elaine (who is now played by Bella Emberg) to run the Vic. With Lee sectioned and Johnny's attention diverted to his graphic affair with Ben, Linda struggles to cope on her own and hires a new bar manager. The punters in the Vic are shocked when the new manager is revealed as Christie Watts, who immediately has a huge bitch fight with Sharon which levels most of the Square like in Batman v Superman. When the dust settles, Chrissie and Sharon discover they are really sisters, and that Reg Cox was their real Dad.

Ian and McBeale think they are the victim of a secret hate campaign by Max, but soon discover their house is actually haunted by a triumvirate of spirits - Lou Beale, Pauline Fowler and Cindy Beale. They call in Dr Legg who has given up western medicine to become a Shamen, who carries out a violent and terrifying seance. The ghosts manifest themselves and join together to become a super giant ghost that takes the form of Eddie Royle. Ghost Eddie goes on a rampage across the Square, killing some characters i don't really like because I can't identify with them, before that vicar that Sharon went out with in the 1980s comes back and disperses Ghost Eddie. Shocked by the recent events, Ian has a sweaty and unpleasant affair with Ben.

Grant comes back from Portugal with Courtney, Lisa, the Eastern European woman Phil married in the early 90s, Roly the poodle, that couple who had the daffodils that shot Dirty Den and Rosa DeMarco, and they all move in with Phil. Phil and Grant do some stuff with guns and gangsters that's all terribly exciting but makes no narrative sense. Ben is furious that no-one in that house wants to have an affair with him, so decides to marry "the bench of tears". Phil and Grant kidnap him on the day of wedding and make him see the error of ways, before the car they are in plunges into the Thames. Surviving the accident, Ben embarks on an affair with...oh, I don't know...lets say Ali Osman.

Dot dies peacefully in her sleep, but then her house blows up because Abi has been siphoning gas illegally from the house next door. As bits of the house and Dot float down from the sky, Kat and Alfie turn up with Zoe, Little Mo, Lynn and Garry and decide to rebuild it and live there. Dawn Swann comes back for a bit and everyone cheers and she sings them a song. However Simon Wicks (who is having a lurid affair with Ben) hears her singing and it drives him crazy so he brutally stabs everyone in the house. As Alfie breathes his last he reveals to Kat that Pat Butcher is really alive and living in a body suit that looks like James Wilmott Brown.

All these storylines come together in an unlikely series of coincidences and cumulates in the Christmas Day episode where a huge and bloody fight is only halted by the announcement by Chrissie Watts that's she is actually going to sell the Vic to Ethel Skinner who isn't really dead, but has been living in Pakistan with Syed Masood. The residents are so shocked they decide to sing "knees up Mother Brown" to the tune of "maybe it's because I'm a Londoner".

The BBC then decide they can't afford to make Eastenders anymore and it's sold to Channel 4 who retitle it "Hollyoaks: After Dark". The forums at Digital Spy throw a party to celebrate and features writers at Digital Spy explode in a mess of their own sexual juices and decide to go a whole week not writing banal shite about Friends every day.
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Old Yesterday, 19:04
sw2963
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Or how about this...?

A private jet crashes on the Albert, killing Kim and some another character I don't like. The jet belongs to Janine, who emerges from the flaming ruins of the Albert and announces she's buying the Vic with a secret silent partner, who turns out to be Mark Jnr. Mark and Ben have a torrid affair.

Stacey grows closer to Max until Martin, tormented by jealousy, calls Tanya who arrives back in the Square along with her long lost sister Mary the Punk. Mary embarks on a lesbian affair with an older woman she's meets at the Vic, but Tanya is horrified to discover that the mysterious woman is actually Cora. Much drama ensues when the incestuous affair is revealed. Distraught, Mary has a torrid affair with Ben.

Michelle 2.0 has a horrific road accident (in which another character I don't like is killed) and has to have major reconstructive surgery which is funded by a secret donor. As her bandages are removed she finds she has been restored to Michelle 1.0. The secret donor turns out to be Lofty, who has returned to the Square after making his fortune selling gummy parrots to tourists in Morocco. Martin is so impressed with the results he blackmails Lofty into funding his own surgery, and turns back into James Alexandrou. Destitute, Lofty has a steamy affair with Ben.

Mick Carter chokes to death after attempting to beat the world record for Cockney rhyming slang, forcing Linda to return from Spain with her paralysed mum Elaine (who is now played by Bella Emberg) to run the Vic. With Lee sectioned and Johnny's attention diverted to his graphic affair with Ben, Linda struggles to cope on her own and hires a new bar manager. The punters in the Vic are shocked when the new manager is revealed as Christie Watts, who immediately has a huge bitch fight with Sharon which levels most of the Square like in Batman v Superman. When the dust settles, Chrissie and Sharon discover they are really sisters, and that Reg Cox was their real Dad.

Ian and McBeale think they are the victim of a secret hate campaign by Max, but soon discover their house is actually haunted by a triumvirate of spirits - Lou Beale, Pauline Fowler and Cindy Beale. They call in Dr Legg who has given up western medicine to become a Shamen, who carries out a violent and terrifying seance. The ghosts manifest themselves and join together to become a super giant ghost that takes the form of Eddie Royle. Ghost Eddie goes on a rampage across the Square, killing some characters i don't really like because I can't identify with them, before that vicar that Sharon went out with in the 1980s comes back and disperses Ghost Eddie. Shocked by the recent events, Ian has a sweaty and unpleasant affair with Ben.

Grant comes back from Portugal with Courtney, Lisa, the Eastern European woman Phil married in the early 90s, Roly the poodle, that couple who had the daffodils that shot Dirty Den and Rosa DeMarco, and they all move in with Phil. Phil and Grant do some stuff with guns and gangsters that's all terribly exciting but makes no narrative sense. Ben is furious that no-one in that house wants to have an affair with him, so decides to marry "the bench of tears". Phil and Grant kidnap him on the day of wedding and make him see the error of ways, before the car they are in plunges into the Thames. Surviving the accident, Ben embarks on an affair with...oh, I don't know...lets say Ali Osman.

Dot dies peacefully in her sleep, but then her house blows up because Abi has been siphoning gas illegally from the house next door. As bits of the house and Dot float down from the sky, Kat and Alfie turn up with Zoe, Little Mo, Lynn and Garry and decide to rebuild it and live there. Dawn Swann comes back for a bit and everyone cheers and she sings them a song. However Simon Wicks (who is having a lurid affair with Ben) hears her singing and it drives him crazy so he brutally stabs everyone in the house. As Alfie breathes his last he reveals to Kat that Pat Butcher is really alive and living in a body suit that looks like James Wilmott Brown.

All these storylines come together in an unlikely series of coincidences and cumulates in the Christmas Day episode where a huge and bloody fight is only halted by the announcement by Chrissie Watts that's she is actually going to sell the Vic to Ethel Skinner who isn't really dead, but has been living in Pakistan with Syed Masood. The residents are so shocked they decide to sing "knees up Mother Brown" to the tune of "maybe it's because I'm a Londoner".

The BBC then decide they can't afford to make Eastenders anymore and it's sold to Channel 4 who retitle it "Hollyoaks: After Dark". The forums at Digital Spy throw a party to celebrate and features writers at Digital Spy explode in a mess of their own sexual juices and decide to go a whole week not writing banal shite about Friends every day.
Brilliant and that's just 1 episode
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Old Yesterday, 19:11
bumpandgrind
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Posts: 8,791
Or how about this...?

A private jet crashes on the Albert, killing Kim and some another character I don't like. The jet belongs to Janine, who emerges from the flaming ruins of the Albert and announces she's buying the Vic with a secret silent partner, who turns out to be Mark Jnr. Mark and Ben have a torrid affair.

Stacey grows closer to Max until Martin, tormented by jealousy, calls Tanya who arrives back in the Square along with her long lost sister Mary the Punk. Mary embarks on a lesbian affair with an older woman she's meets at the Vic, but Tanya is horrified to discover that the mysterious woman is actually Cora. Much drama ensues when the incestuous affair is revealed. Distraught, Mary has a torrid affair with Ben.

Michelle 2.0 has a horrific road accident (in which another character I don't like is killed) and has to have major reconstructive surgery which is funded by a secret donor. As her bandages are removed she finds she has been restored to Michelle 1.0. The secret donor turns out to be Lofty, who has returned to the Square after making his fortune selling gummy parrots to tourists in Morocco. Martin is so impressed with the results he blackmails Lofty into funding his own surgery, and turns back into James Alexandrou. Destitute, Lofty has a steamy affair with Ben.

Mick Carter chokes to death after attempting to beat the world record for Cockney rhyming slang, forcing Linda to return from Spain with her paralysed mum Elaine (who is now played by Bella Emberg) to run the Vic. With Lee sectioned and Johnny's attention diverted to his graphic affair with Ben, Linda struggles to cope on her own and hires a new bar manager. The punters in the Vic are shocked when the new manager is revealed as Christie Watts, who immediately has a huge bitch fight with Sharon which levels most of the Square like in Batman v Superman. When the dust settles, Chrissie and Sharon discover they are really sisters, and that Reg Cox was their real Dad.

Ian and McBeale think they are the victim of a secret hate campaign by Max, but soon discover their house is actually haunted by a triumvirate of spirits - Lou Beale, Pauline Fowler and Cindy Beale. They call in Dr Legg who has given up western medicine to become a Shamen, who carries out a violent and terrifying seance. The ghosts manifest themselves and join together to become a super giant ghost that takes the form of Eddie Royle. Ghost Eddie goes on a rampage across the Square, killing some characters i don't really like because I can't identify with them, before that vicar that Sharon went out with in the 1980s comes back and disperses Ghost Eddie. Shocked by the recent events, Ian has a sweaty and unpleasant affair with Ben.

Grant comes back from Portugal with Courtney, Lisa, the Eastern European woman Phil married in the early 90s, Roly the poodle, that couple who had the daffodils that shot Dirty Den and Rosa DeMarco, and they all move in with Phil. Phil and Grant do some stuff with guns and gangsters that's all terribly exciting but makes no narrative sense. Ben is furious that no-one in that house wants to have an affair with him, so decides to marry "the bench of tears". Phil and Grant kidnap him on the day of wedding and make him see the error of ways, before the car they are in plunges into the Thames. Surviving the accident, Ben embarks on an affair with...oh, I don't know...lets say Ali Osman.

Dot dies peacefully in her sleep, but then her house blows up because Abi has been siphoning gas illegally from the house next door. As bits of the house and Dot float down from the sky, Kat and Alfie turn up with Zoe, Little Mo, Lynn and Garry and decide to rebuild it and live there. Dawn Swann comes back for a bit and everyone cheers and she sings them a song. However Simon Wicks (who is having a lurid affair with Ben) hears her singing and it drives him crazy so he brutally stabs everyone in the house. As Alfie breathes his last he reveals to Kat that Pat Butcher is really alive and living in a body suit that looks like James Wilmott Brown.

All these storylines come together in an unlikely series of coincidences and cumulates in the Christmas Day episode where a huge and bloody fight is only halted by the announcement by Chrissie Watts that's she is actually going to sell the Vic to Ethel Skinner who isn't really dead, but has been living in Pakistan with Syed Masood. The residents are so shocked they decide to sing "knees up Mother Brown" to the tune of "maybe it's because I'm a Londoner".

The BBC then decide they can't afford to make Eastenders anymore and it's sold to Channel 4 who retitle it "Hollyoaks: After Dark". The forums at Digital Spy throw a party to celebrate and features writers at Digital Spy explode in a mess of their own sexual juices and decide to go a whole week not writing banal shite about Friends every day.
Slightly off topic but what is the main site's obsession with Friends? There's a new article every week.
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Old Yesterday, 19:12
Zarla
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Even as fanfic it's not up to much - they would never have two characters called Jane. Janine was one of the reasons I stopped watching last time so I don't want to see her return.

I am gradually warming to SOC although it looks like he has more communal crap in store for us tonight.
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Old Yesterday, 19:18
jumpingbudgie
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 185
Slightly off topic but what is the main site's obsession with Friends? There's a new article every week.
Lack of imagination, rose-tinted and deluded nostalgia and a reluctance to accept change, progress and diversity. See also: SOC hate threads.
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Old Yesterday, 19:21
Ten_Ben
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,445
Or how about this...?

A private jet crashes on the Albert, killing Kim and some another character I don't like. The jet belongs to Janine, who emerges from the flaming ruins of the Albert and announces she's buying the Vic with a secret silent partner, who turns out to be Mark Jnr. Mark and Ben have a torrid affair.

[...}

The BBC then decide they can't afford to make Eastenders anymore and it's sold to Channel 4 who retitle it "Hollyoaks: After Dark". The forums at Digital Spy throw a party to celebrate and features writers at Digital Spy explode in a mess of their own sexual juices and decide to go a whole week not writing banal shite about Friends every day.
That saves me having to watch it tonight.

Next episode presumably sees Ben go in for a willy transplant
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Old Yesterday, 19:26
bumpandgrind
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Posts: 8,791
Lack of imagination, rose-tinted and deluded nostalgia and a reluctance to accept change, progress and diversity. See also: SOC hate threads.
Spot on. Thanks.
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Old Yesterday, 19:34
vald
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 30,976
Or how about this...?

A private jet crashes on the Albert, killing Kim and some another character I don't like. The jet belongs to Janine, who emerges from the flaming ruins of the Albert and announces she's buying the Vic with a secret silent partner, who turns out to be Mark Jnr. Mark and Ben have a torrid affair.

Stacey grows closer to Max until Martin, tormented by jealousy, calls Tanya who arrives back in the Square along with her long lost sister Mary the Punk. Mary embarks on a lesbian affair with an older woman she's meets at the Vic, but Tanya is horrified to discover that the mysterious woman is actually Cora. Much drama ensues when the incestuous affair is revealed. Distraught, Mary has a torrid affair with Ben.

Michelle 2.0 has a horrific road accident (in which another character I don't like is killed) and has to have major reconstructive surgery which is funded by a secret donor. As her bandages are removed she finds she has been restored to Michelle 1.0. The secret donor turns out to be Lofty, who has returned to the Square after making his fortune selling gummy parrots to tourists in Morocco. Martin is so impressed with the results he blackmails Lofty into funding his own surgery, and turns back into James Alexandrou. Destitute, Lofty has a steamy affair with Ben.

Mick Carter chokes to death after attempting to beat the world record for Cockney rhyming slang, forcing Linda to return from Spain with her paralysed mum Elaine (who is now played by Bella Emberg) to run the Vic. With Lee sectioned and Johnny's attention diverted to his graphic affair with Ben, Linda struggles to cope on her own and hires a new bar manager. The punters in the Vic are shocked when the new manager is revealed as Christie Watts, who immediately has a huge bitch fight with Sharon which levels most of the Square like in Batman v Superman. When the dust settles, Chrissie and Sharon discover they are really sisters, and that Reg Cox was their real Dad.

Ian and McBeale think they are the victim of a secret hate campaign by Max, but soon discover their house is actually haunted by a triumvirate of spirits - Lou Beale, Pauline Fowler and Cindy Beale. They call in Dr Legg who has given up western medicine to become a Shamen, who carries out a violent and terrifying seance. The ghosts manifest themselves and join together to become a super giant ghost that takes the form of Eddie Royle. Ghost Eddie goes on a rampage across the Square, killing some characters i don't really like because I can't identify with them, before that vicar that Sharon went out with in the 1980s comes back and disperses Ghost Eddie. Shocked by the recent events, Ian has a sweaty and unpleasant affair with Ben.

Grant comes back from Portugal with Courtney, Lisa, the Eastern European woman Phil married in the early 90s, Roly the poodle, that couple who had the daffodils that shot Dirty Den and Rosa DeMarco, and they all move in with Phil. Phil and Grant do some stuff with guns and gangsters that's all terribly exciting but makes no narrative sense. Ben is furious that no-one in that house wants to have an affair with him, so decides to marry "the bench of tears". Phil and Grant kidnap him on the day of wedding and make him see the error of ways, before the car they are in plunges into the Thames. Surviving the accident, Ben embarks on an affair with...oh, I don't know...lets say Ali Osman.

Dot dies peacefully in her sleep, but then her house blows up because Abi has been siphoning gas illegally from the house next door. As bits of the house and Dot float down from the sky, Kat and Alfie turn up with Zoe, Little Mo, Lynn and Garry and decide to rebuild it and live there. Dawn Swann comes back for a bit and everyone cheers and she sings them a song. However Simon Wicks (who is having a lurid affair with Ben) hears her singing and it drives him crazy so he brutally stabs everyone in the house. As Alfie breathes his last he reveals to Kat that Pat Butcher is really alive and living in a body suit that looks like James Wilmott Brown.

All these storylines come together in an unlikely series of coincidences and cumulates in the Christmas Day episode where a huge and bloody fight is only halted by the announcement by Chrissie Watts that's she is actually going to sell the Vic to Ethel Skinner who isn't really dead, but has been living in Pakistan with Syed Masood. The residents are so shocked they decide to sing "knees up Mother Brown" to the tune of "maybe it's because I'm a Londoner".

The BBC then decide they can't afford to make Eastenders anymore and it's sold to Channel 4 who retitle it "Hollyoaks: After Dark". The forums at Digital Spy throw a party to celebrate and features writers at Digital Spy explode in a mess of their own sexual juices and decide to go a whole week not writing banal shite about Friends every day.
You're hired.
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Old Yesterday, 19:43
Lady Voldemort
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: here
Posts: 4,803
Or how about this...?

A private jet crashes on the Albert, killing Kim and some another character I don't like. The jet belongs to Janine, who emerges from the flaming ruins of the Albert and announces she's buying the Vic with a secret silent partner, who turns out to be Mark Jnr. Mark and Ben have a torrid affair.

Stacey grows closer to Max until Martin, tormented by jealousy, calls Tanya who arrives back in the Square along with her long lost sister Mary the Punk. Mary embarks on a lesbian affair with an older woman she's meets at the Vic, but Tanya is horrified to discover that the mysterious woman is actually Cora. Much drama ensues when the incestuous affair is revealed. Distraught, Mary has a torrid affair with Ben.

Michelle 2.0 has a horrific road accident (in which another character I don't like is killed) and has to have major reconstructive surgery which is funded by a secret donor. As her bandages are removed she finds she has been restored to Michelle 1.0. The secret donor turns out to be Lofty, who has returned to the Square after making his fortune selling gummy parrots to tourists in Morocco. Martin is so impressed with the results he blackmails Lofty into funding his own surgery, and turns back into James Alexandrou. Destitute, Lofty has a steamy affair with Ben.

Mick Carter chokes to death after attempting to beat the world record for Cockney rhyming slang, forcing Linda to return from Spain with her paralysed mum Elaine (who is now played by Bella Emberg) to run the Vic. With Lee sectioned and Johnny's attention diverted to his graphic affair with Ben, Linda struggles to cope on her own and hires a new bar manager. The punters in the Vic are shocked when the new manager is revealed as Christie Watts, who immediately has a huge bitch fight with Sharon which levels most of the Square like in Batman v Superman. When the dust settles, Chrissie and Sharon discover they are really sisters, and that Reg Cox was their real Dad.

Ian and McBeale think they are the victim of a secret hate campaign by Max, but soon discover their house is actually haunted by a triumvirate of spirits - Lou Beale, Pauline Fowler and Cindy Beale. They call in Dr Legg who has given up western medicine to become a Shamen, who carries out a violent and terrifying seance. The ghosts manifest themselves and join together to become a super giant ghost that takes the form of Eddie Royle. Ghost Eddie goes on a rampage across the Square, killing some characters i don't really like because I can't identify with them, before that vicar that Sharon went out with in the 1980s comes back and disperses Ghost Eddie. Shocked by the recent events, Ian has a sweaty and unpleasant affair with Ben.

Grant comes back from Portugal with Courtney, Lisa, the Eastern European woman Phil married in the early 90s, Roly the poodle, that couple who had the daffodils that shot Dirty Den and Rosa DeMarco, and they all move in with Phil. Phil and Grant do some stuff with guns and gangsters that's all terribly exciting but makes no narrative sense. Ben is furious that no-one in that house wants to have an affair with him, so decides to marry "the bench of tears". Phil and Grant kidnap him on the day of wedding and make him see the error of ways, before the car they are in plunges into the Thames. Surviving the accident, Ben embarks on an affair with...oh, I don't know...lets say Ali Osman.

Dot dies peacefully in her sleep, but then her house blows up because Abi has been siphoning gas illegally from the house next door. As bits of the house and Dot float down from the sky, Kat and Alfie turn up with Zoe, Little Mo, Lynn and Garry and decide to rebuild it and live there. Dawn Swann comes back for a bit and everyone cheers and she sings them a song. However Simon Wicks (who is having a lurid affair with Ben) hears her singing and it drives him crazy so he brutally stabs everyone in the house. As Alfie breathes his last he reveals to Kat that Pat Butcher is really alive and living in a body suit that looks like James Wilmott Brown.

All these storylines come together in an unlikely series of coincidences and cumulates in the Christmas Day episode where a huge and bloody fight is only halted by the announcement by Chrissie Watts that's she is actually going to sell the Vic to Ethel Skinner who isn't really dead, but has been living in Pakistan with Syed Masood. The residents are so shocked they decide to sing "knees up Mother Brown" to the tune of "maybe it's because I'm a Londoner".

The BBC then decide they can't afford to make Eastenders anymore and it's sold to Channel 4 who retitle it "Hollyoaks: After Dark". The forums at Digital Spy throw a party to celebrate and features writers at Digital Spy explode in a mess of their own sexual juices and decide to go a whole week not writing banal shite about Friends every day.
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Old Yesterday, 19:58
_elly001
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 11,615
Or how about this...?

A private jet crashes on the Albert, killing Kim and some another character I don't like. The jet belongs to Janine, who emerges from the flaming ruins of the Albert and announces she's buying the Vic with a secret silent partner, who turns out to be Mark Jnr. Mark and Ben have a torrid affair.

Stacey grows closer to Max until Martin, tormented by jealousy, calls Tanya who arrives back in the Square along with her long lost sister Mary the Punk. Mary embarks on a lesbian affair with an older woman she's meets at the Vic, but Tanya is horrified to discover that the mysterious woman is actually Cora. Much drama ensues when the incestuous affair is revealed. Distraught, Mary has a torrid affair with Ben.

Michelle 2.0 has a horrific road accident (in which another character I don't like is killed) and has to have major reconstructive surgery which is funded by a secret donor. As her bandages are removed she finds she has been restored to Michelle 1.0. The secret donor turns out to be Lofty, who has returned to the Square after making his fortune selling gummy parrots to tourists in Morocco. Martin is so impressed with the results he blackmails Lofty into funding his own surgery, and turns back into James Alexandrou. Destitute, Lofty has a steamy affair with Ben.

Mick Carter chokes to death after attempting to beat the world record for Cockney rhyming slang, forcing Linda to return from Spain with her paralysed mum Elaine (who is now played by Bella Emberg) to run the Vic. With Lee sectioned and Johnny's attention diverted to his graphic affair with Ben, Linda struggles to cope on her own and hires a new bar manager. The punters in the Vic are shocked when the new manager is revealed as Christie Watts, who immediately has a huge bitch fight with Sharon which levels most of the Square like in Batman v Superman. When the dust settles, Chrissie and Sharon discover they are really sisters, and that Reg Cox was their real Dad.

Ian and McBeale think they are the victim of a secret hate campaign by Max, but soon discover their house is actually haunted by a triumvirate of spirits - Lou Beale, Pauline Fowler and Cindy Beale. They call in Dr Legg who has given up western medicine to become a Shamen, who carries out a violent and terrifying seance. The ghosts manifest themselves and join together to become a super giant ghost that takes the form of Eddie Royle. Ghost Eddie goes on a rampage across the Square, killing some characters i don't really like because I can't identify with them, before that vicar that Sharon went out with in the 1980s comes back and disperses Ghost Eddie. Shocked by the recent events, Ian has a sweaty and unpleasant affair with Ben.

Grant comes back from Portugal with Courtney, Lisa, the Eastern European woman Phil married in the early 90s, Roly the poodle, that couple who had the daffodils that shot Dirty Den and Rosa DeMarco, and they all move in with Phil. Phil and Grant do some stuff with guns and gangsters that's all terribly exciting but makes no narrative sense. Ben is furious that no-one in that house wants to have an affair with him, so decides to marry "the bench of tears". Phil and Grant kidnap him on the day of wedding and make him see the error of ways, before the car they are in plunges into the Thames. Surviving the accident, Ben embarks on an affair with...oh, I don't know...lets say Ali Osman.

Dot dies peacefully in her sleep, but then her house blows up because Abi has been siphoning gas illegally from the house next door. As bits of the house and Dot float down from the sky, Kat and Alfie turn up with Zoe, Little Mo, Lynn and Garry and decide to rebuild it and live there. Dawn Swann comes back for a bit and everyone cheers and she sings them a song. However Simon Wicks (who is having a lurid affair with Ben) hears her singing and it drives him crazy so he brutally stabs everyone in the house. As Alfie breathes his last he reveals to Kat that Pat Butcher is really alive and living in a body suit that looks like James Wilmott Brown.

All these storylines come together in an unlikely series of coincidences and cumulates in the Christmas Day episode where a huge and bloody fight is only halted by the announcement by Chrissie Watts that's she is actually going to sell the Vic to Ethel Skinner who isn't really dead, but has been living in Pakistan with Syed Masood. The residents are so shocked they decide to sing "knees up Mother Brown" to the tune of "maybe it's because I'm a Londoner".

The BBC then decide they can't afford to make Eastenders anymore and it's sold to Channel 4 who retitle it "Hollyoaks: After Dark". The forums at Digital Spy throw a party to celebrate and features writers at Digital Spy explode in a mess of their own sexual juices and decide to go a whole week not writing banal shite about Friends every day.
This place has been depressing me recently but this ALMOST made up for it.
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