we return to see Jade roasting nicely on the fire, while a nice pork chop sits at the table talking to Adele.....

The pork chop says ... I'm not eating trhat mingin' whale on that fire get me a bacardi and lemon please

Just then, vinnie jones comes in to the house dressed as a waiter and insted of serving a bicardi he slaps jade around the face with the pork chop and tells her to grow up.

Jade is upset by this, she imediatley starts to cry, and brings everything up, warts and all...PJ in a valient effort for another quickie, quips in with "its allright" and gives her a hug. she shuts up, hugs vinnie, then nominates him for eviction.

Frustrated that the HMs have failed to see through Jade all this time BB hatches a plot to send an assassin over the wall. Keith Chegwin is chosen to do the hit. A shadowy (but ultimately humerous) figure edges up to the back door...............and.......

...spits a poison dart at Jade through the chinks in the fence. As Sophie makes her hasty high-heeled retreat, Cheggers takes his rightful place. Sprucing his ginger curls and rolling up the sleeves of his Christmas jumper, he hurls himself at the top of the fence, and sees...

Adele and Alex snogging. Unable to hold in his supper he vomits with the force of a minor ex-tv personality and..........

the house catches fire

Johnny rushes to the rescue


"i'm a fireman"
... but suddenly stops in his tracks. If he puts out the fire will the viewers only be able to think of him as a fireman, this could end his longed for career as a popstar. Frozen with indecision he...

looks to the other housemates to see what they think. Everyone agrees he should put the fire out. Except Alex and Adele .... they think .....

... that it might be against the rules, and bravely battle through the flames to go and ask BB what they should do...

... that if he does he will have to cross the divide, which is against the rules...

While Adele and Alex battle through the flames to the diary room Jonny decides to save the pork chop. Meanwhile the chickens escape and ....

meanwhile Jade is examining the fire exit, she looks confused, and wonders why the fire isn't using it, and where she can find the Jade exit...

Oh Dear !!! The production crew are having a bit of a party and and the HMs are woken at 3 am by a voice booming out "WAKEY WAKEY HI DE HI CAMPERS". Kate is called to the diary room and instructed to sing her favourite nursey rhyme. Jade is told to "F+cking shut up". The HMs are given a mini task which involves shaving their heads. Their reward, a crate of empty beer bottles.

the crew are so drunk they give Adele a strike, she is so enraged that as well as threatening to deck them all she...

...begins to shake and swell, her muscles expanding, her clothes splitting, as she morphs into ...

Vannessa Feltz! Determined to rebuild her reputation following her ignominious departure from Celbrity BB, Vanessa had disguised herself as 'Adele' to ake part in BB3. Now it was time to reveal her cunning plan to....

revive her tv career to the levels of previous bb contestants such as penny, sada, andrew and tom.

She gives the HM's 20 minutes to prepare a meal, the rich side having rump steak, mushrooms, shallots, vanilla icecream and strawberries, the poor side have only chick peas and bay leaves. As she starts the timer we are all left wondering if it will be ....red tomato's, or green peppers!

As the timer ticks on....

doesn't look like anyone took your bait on this one MGOM! Its OK . . I know where you were 'headed' with it! Hunky security guard joins her in the Diary (does it count as a Room) Room with a glass of wine and a bag of maltesers . . . . that should do it . . she's been poor for 3 weeks!

But before the deal can be done the sound of a low flying helicopter shakes the house. They rush out to see an evil-looking black helicopter gnship hovering 100' above them.
"God no" screams Jade... "they're gonna hit us all!!!!"
Tim runs inside bawling like a baby......

Suddenly a shadowy figure emerges from the helicopter and begins to abseil down. It's................

No fantasy. It's Cheggers!!!!!

stark b+llock naked .........

but unfortunately, in mid air, cheggers goes 'pop' and his body parts can be seen falling into the BB garden, just as Jade turns over from sunbathing.......

the pig squeals as a naked chegggers lands on top of her. Alex, thinking that this all looks very unhygienic....