Cast:

Anton - Mr Darcy
Ian - Mr Bingley
Brendan - Mr Whickham
Craig - Mr Collins
Elizabeth - All Anton Lovers
Other Sisters - All Anton Lovers (cos I cant remember characters names)
Len - Mr Bennet
Claudia - Mrs Bennet
Miss Bingley - Arlene

It was a bright summers afternoon and Mrs Bennet was bustling about devising plans to find her daughters husbands, when her daughter Lydia came rushing in screaming excitedly, mother , mother, Netherfield Hall has been taken and there's going to be a ball, can we go, please mother can we go. Of course Mrs Bennet replied but we have to be asked, go and get your father, presently all the girls returned with their father in tow. Now Mr Bennet have you paid court to the new owner of Netherfield yet? Well said he, as it happens I have, Mr Bingley is his name and he has invited us all to his ball tomorrow night, he wants us to meet his friend, apparently he is a very gorgeous, dark haired adonis who dances like a dream and has a penchant for wet shirts.
At this all the women squealed with pleasure, and what might be this mysterious strangers name?

Why its Monsieur Anton Darcydubeke.

Ooh cant wait sighed the girls...........till tomorrow and the great Netherfield ball.........

over to you people keep the story going:

Tres bon, Startwirler!

Miss Arlene Bingley was all Sniffy at the ball, complaining about people's arms and necks. "And there simply isn't enough sex ", she moaned.

Monsieur Anton Darcydubeke, dressed in lilac pantaloons and tailcoat, spotted Miss Elizabeth Antonlover across the hall. He thought she had beautiful eyes, although they would be enhanced if only she would change her outfit from the white empire-line dress to something more ... well....Lilac. He said as much and she told her sister, Miss Jane Antonlover, that he was the last man on earth she would marry (until, of course, she saw his magnificent cookarachas).

But next day, whilst taking-a-turn with her younger sister Miss Lydia Antonlover, up rode the most slimy creature she had ever seen. Mr Craig Collins. He kept on using words like "woeful” and “dismal” and threatened to turn all the Antonlover Sisters out of the house by giving them only 1s and 2s. Unless Elizabeth would marry him.

She needed to be rescued by Mr Brendan Wickham…..
Last edited by fern3 : 06-12-2005 at 23:58

along came mr brendan wickham on a white horse - he was the image of perfection
he lept off the horse and swooped miss Elizabeth Antonlovers into his arms!
Miss Arlene Bingley sobbed claiming miss elizabeth Antonlover did not have perfect arms and should not have been whisked away by Brendan Wickham
her only comfort was foun with mr craig collins....

Unbeknown to Miss Elizabeth Antonlover, Mr Brendan Wickham was a bit of a bounder. He told tales of his ill treatment at the hands of Mnsr. Darcydubeke, in their younger days, when they were at Fame Academy together. Mr Brendan Wickham had always wanted to enter the Church, but Mnsr. Darcydubeke refused to provide the promised funds, so Mr Brendan Wickham had no choice but to dance for a living. How he had suffered! How he longed to be preaching rather than pirouetting! Miss Elizabeth Antonlover believed every word, and thought Monsieur Darcydubeke the most tight-fisted, tight-pantalooned, tight-shirted (tight-.. ooooh, sorry) man that she had ever encountered.

Meanwhile, her lovely sister Miss Jane Antonlover, was falling in love with Mr Ian Bingley-Wait. He was so tall, so blonde, so…

Have you all contemplated sending this off to the BBC, if you get to the end of the saga, before the final?

They did show the portraits of Patsy & Anton the other evening & this is so much better.

I'll need help. Any other SDC/Austen fans out there? Bagsy the episode with the wet shirt!

That is the funniest thing i've read in ages...much prefer it to the original. Keep going everyone!

Monsieur DarcyduBeke! Star, you are a legend!, Genius! I don't think I could have sexier images running through my head if I tried. *Gets all flustered* ... Whew, Is it hot in here or is it just me?

Chesty!!!!! Oh Mr Ian Bingly Waite said JaneWaiteLover adoringly, what long legs you've got. All the better to jive jauntily with my dear, and oh what long Arms you got. All the better to express my Paso Doble with my dear, and oh what a sexy chest you've got, oh my dear said he blushing, all the better to................

….”Aaaagh, what’s that?”, cried Mr Ian Bignly-Wait as his passionate embrace with Miss Jane Antonwaitlover was interrupted at a crucial moment. It was Miss Arlene Bingly, unable to cope with the sight of her brother clinging to such an unsuitable woman. “How can you even think of forming a partnership with Miss Jane Antonwaitlover?”, she demanded, “She is not for you. Where is the sizzle? Where is the raunch? There is no sign of Phizz in your Physical! You must leave her and come back to London with us”. Jane was heartbroken and tried to consol herself by doing solo Attitude Turns with disastrous results.

Meanwhile, Miss Elizabeth Antonlover was not the only one under the spell of Mr Brendan Wickham. A whole regiment of dancers had moved into the village, and all local hearts were aflutter. Miss Kitty Antonlover was drooling over Mr Cutler whilst Miss Lydia Antonlover couldn’t make up her mind between Mr Cuerden, Mr Darren Bennett or in fact anyone wearing……

....slashed to the navel shirts and suspiciously little chest hair. Now Mnsr Darcydubeke didn't agree with that at all. Where was the class? Where was the style? Why use all that wax? So when Mr Ian Bingly Waite declared he was to throw a grand ball at Netherfield, Mnsr Darcydubeke insisted that all the gentlemen had to wear tails and there was to be none of that ridiculous samba business as it was a daft dance that made no sense.

"Hurrah!" said Mrs Claudia Bennet upon hearing of the ball, "Now our daughters can go and show off their best accoutrements!"

"You never know," said Mr Len Bennet, "They might like your chesticles best of all..."

"But isn't it clever of Miss Jane Antonlover to fall in love with Mr Ian Bingley Waite," continued Mrs Claudia Bennet, "Now all the girls will be thrown into the path of handsome dancers!"

"Weeing through a keyhole into a thimble is clever," pointed out Mr Len Bennet...

The night of the Netherfield ball approached. Miss Lydia Antonlover was running round the house with no clothes on, trying to embarrass Mr Craig Collins, but he was more interested in criticizing the hat stand.

Miss Elizabeth Antonlover was aghast to hear that she had to perform at least 2 cha cha chas with the slimy Mr Craig Collins, but her friend Miss Charlotte Zoe-Ball seemed to find Mr Collins less slimy. Was there favouritism forming here? Miss Elizabeth Antonlover watched anxiously for the arrival of Mr Brenda Wickham, only to be informed by Mr Cutler that Mr Wickham was otherwise engaged. Something to do with tanning lotion.

The evening looked bleak. She had to dance in a peculiar line with Mnsr. Darcydubeke, trying to think of things to say because Mr Dacrydubeke, usually happy to chat about absolutely nothing, was unusually silent. How she hated him! How she wished her sisters would behave themselves and stop……..

Sorry to interupt the flow of the narrative. Just wanted to say Star, Fern, Katy and Claire you're doing a brilliant job, I love your version of the story. Sadly I am neither creative or quick witted so can't contribute.

Looking forward to the next episode...

This is fantastic. Some really great humour in there! Well done

I'm with you, Shadow. I have complete writer's block at the moment.

You are all doing a great job - this is a wonderful story.

to continue...

..stop wiggling their hips in that raunchy manner as she feared it would bring disgrace on all the family.

After the ball the Antonlovers retired home all commenting on how much Miss Jane had danced with Mr Ian Bingley Waite and how beautiful their lines had looked.

Back at Netherfield though, Miss Arlene Bingley succeeded in convincing her brother that Miss Jane Antonlover had not shown any passion towards him while dancing and he should abandon Netherfield for London.
The Bingley's and company left the neighbourhood, leaving Miss Jane Antonlover distressed and Miss Elizabeth Antonlover more cross than ever with Mr Darcybubeke.

It was decided Miss Jane should visit their Aunt and Uncles dance acandemy in London over Christmas to try and learn some more passionate moves with which to snare Mr Bingley Waite.

Meanwhile, at Longbourn, Mr Craig Collins had requested a private audience with Miss Elizabeth...

... Miss Elizabeth was not at all happy about this!! " Leave me alone yuo dismal woeful evil little ....." but before she could finish speaking he flung his arms around her!!! "Oh what beautiful arms you have" She was totally encaptured by him!!!!!!!!

Mr Craig Collins then cleared his throat - ahem ahem - and began his little speech:

"My dear cousin Elizabeth, you must know that I wish to marry you. My reasons for marriage are thus: 1) I think it is the right thing for a professional choreographer to take a wife to give the appearance that of heterosexuality. 2) I like to set the example of matrimony amongst the dancers I choreograph for back on Broadway, and 3) and perhaps I should have mentioned this first, my most honourable patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh aka Bill's mother-in-law, told me 'Mr Collins you must take a wife, choose carefully, et her be good at choreography for your sake, and light of foot for mine. Bring her to Broadway and I shall visit her."

Mr Craig Collins was about to go on, until Lizzie felt a Brucie coming on and felt the need to interrupt...

"Mr Craig Collins," Miss Elizabeth began, "I thank you for your kind remarks. You are certainly a lot nicer to me than you are to most of the people you are judging. If we remain friends I would be most appreciative if you could give me the name of the supplier of the happy pills you are currently on. I hope I cause you no pain, but unfortunately your hair reminds me too much of Tintin and your orange complexion clashes too much with the drapes. I cannot possibly marry you..."

'But why' cried out Mr Craig Collins.

'Why Mr Craig Collins? Because although it is nice to see you to see you nice,' she interrupted...'I am not a lady who wishes to marry for convienience. I need to have passion in my life Mr Craig Collin's, and I fear that a marriage with you would not be a suitable arrangement for me.'

Mr Craig Collins got down on his bended knee with a creak.

'But my dear cousin Elizabeth, only you can help me with my future and all that I wish to achieve. If you do not accept my offer, my most honourable patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh aka Bill's mother-in-law, will not leave me her money and I will be forced to be left judging terrible dancers week in and week out when all I really want to do is set up my own dance company and put on my own pink and glittery shows for everyone to see.'

A tear ran down his cheek, leaving a small white line running through his spray on tan on his cheek.

Elizabeth sighed and tried very hard not to concentrate on the small bald patch to the side of his ear....when she was interrupted by a knock on the door.....

I knew it.

I killed the thread.



*wanders off to tear up draft of first novel*

I can't think what to write!!!!!!!!!!

..It was her mother, Mrs Claudia Bennet, who couldn’t control her frustration any longer. “Lizzy, have you gone mad? How can you refuse him? Will you see us all thrown out of this house without a sequin or a can of hairspray to our name? Come and speak to your father this instant!”

The two ladies bustled into Mr Len Bennet’s study, only to catch him experimenting with keyholes and thimbles. With a rush of embarrassment he put everything away and asked what was causing such hysteria.

“Mr Len Bennet”, said Mrs Claudia Bennet, balancing on scarily high heels, “Your daughter has refused the hand of Mr Craig Collins. I will never speak to her again if she does not change her mind”.

“You have a problem”, mused Mr Len Bennet, contemplating the much bigger key-hole on the gate in the garden, “If you don’t marry Mr Craig Collins your mother will never speak to you again. And if you do, I will never speak to you again. How can you sort out this mess? Mrs Claudia Bennet and I are a double act. What would happen to the Master Class on Tuesday evenings?” Poor Elizabeth.

Just then, salvation arrived in the guise of Miss Charlotte Zoe-Ball, looking for…………

Sorry to crash in, I'm laughing so much. I'm a Jane Austen addict, and this is brilliant!! Keep it up!