....Mr Ian Bingly Waite and a box of tissues, as she had suffered the most awful cold.

Miss Elizabeth Bennet rushed to her side.

'Charlotte my dear?' Why are your eyes streaming? Whatever can the matter be?'

Charlotte Zoe-Ball reached into a nearby lace covered tissue box, pulled out a handkerchief and blew her nose.

'It is this terrible cold my darling Elizabeth. Everyone keeps telling me I am putting it on, but I am not. And now Mr Ian Bingly Waite has had an awful fight with me, and said I was only saying it so people would be sympathetic towards me. And now he has refused to dance with me at the next ball But my darling Elizabeth...it is not true. I really do feel terrible.'

Mrs Claudia Bennet screamed and threw herself on the nearest chair.

'What are we to do Mr Bennet!!' she wailed. 'Charlotte has the pox and now we shall all get it too. We shall all be ruined. Ruined!'

At that precise moment the door flew open and in strode Mr Ian Bingly Waite.

'Charlotte my darling' he said, sweeping over to Charlotte and taking her in his arms. 'I have been a terrible fool. Forget all I said and please come back and be my dance partner.'

Charlotte Zoe-Ball looked at him and burst into tears of joy whilst trying to blow her nose, but just as she was about to answer him, Mr Craig Collins burst into the room.....

a box of tissues.

Mr Craig Collins handed her his lacey handerchief with an over the top fourish.

" Allow me , what arm lines, what grace of movement"

Miss Charlotte Zoe-Ball turning to lok at Mr Craig Collins felt herself becomehot and dizzy.

" Is it my flu or something else" she thought to herself as she swooned into the nearest chair in a most becoming elegant maner.

"Quick someone fetch my smelling salts" cried Mrs Claudia Bennet.

"My Dear Cousin Elizabeth " entoned Mrs Craig Collins "I fear...............

… that I must withdraw my proposal. Miss Charlotte Zoe-Ball is clearly the one for me. I have been mistaken in thinking that you could provide the elegance and expressive spine that I need in my partnership." Miss Charlotte Zoe-Ball and Mr Craig Collins link arms, do a neat sidestep and rondé, and leave the room.

“Phew” gasped Miss Elizabeth Antonlover, “what a lucky escape”. Just then Miss Lydia Antonlover crashes through the door with news that the Dance Regiment is going to Brighton for the winter, to put on a strange show on the pier called SCD.

The sisters are all depressed: Jane because she has heard from Miss Arlene Bingly that she and her brother have no intention of returning from London; Elizabeth because Mr Brendan Wickham is moving away; and Lydia and Kitty because there will be no more slashed shirts and tight pantaloons to flirt with. Elizabeth decides to accept Charlotte’s invitation to visit her and Mr Craig Collins in their new home, close to the house of Lady Catherine de Bourgh aka Bill's mother-in-law. Little does she know that Mr Darcydubeke is Lady Catherine’s ……

......heir in her will....and thus will, upon her death, be the heir to all her land and her house and also to the magnificent dance studios she set up in Upper Middleton, that so far seem to have only been used by a band of strange looking vermin.

So, we move on and Elizabeth Antonlover has now, after a long journey, and a lot of stops along the way to let the horses stop for water, finally reached the home of Mr Craig Collins and his new bride Charlotte.

Alighting from the horse and carriage, Charlotte rushes out to greet her, a piece of half worked tapestry in her hand, depicting a great scene out of that old medieval play 'Ye Saturday Night Fever' and she gives Elizabeth a big hug.

'Dearest Elizabeth, it is so good to see you.' She smiled at her.

Elizabeth embraced her with warmth and then stepped back to take in Charlotte's appearance.

Gone are the empire line dresses, and instead she is wearing a very fetching Scarlett feather dress with fringes up the sides.

'Charlotte darling, you look a picture' Elizabeth exclaimed. 'I see Mr Collin's influence here.'

'Indeed you do' Charlotte said happily. 'Oh dear Elizabeth. Since we have been together the days seem so long and the nights even longer.' She blushed. 'No, I said that all wrong. Anyway, Mr Collins has taught me so much about life.'

'Indeed?' said Elizabeth, a twinkle in her eye.

'Oh Yes' Charlotte said breathlessly. 'I can now purse my lips much better at the servants than I ever did before. And I no longer have my hair in ringlets.' Charlotte pulled off her bonnet to reveal a blond short hair cut, complete with a quiff at the front.

Elizabeth tried not to recoil in horror. 'Why indeed Charlotte. Your transformation is most....elegant.'

'But that is not all my dear Lizzie' said Charlotte reaching out a hand to pull aside part of her skirt.......

….”you see? My legs now go right up to here! And they are so brown!. Mr Craig Collins thinks I have fantastic legs - although I have my suspicions that he said that to another woman recently, someone called Patsy.”

Elizabeth is shown into the house by Charlotte and Craig, the latter getting quite excited about the cupboard in Elizabeth’s room. “Just look at it”, he cried, “room to have a separate shelf each for shoes, necklaces, glittery hair-things, chiffon floaty-panels, daytime tan bottles, evening-wear tan bottles – all labelled so that you can locate what you want in the dark. My own cupboard is just like it!”

“But why would you be getting dressed and made-up in the dark?”, asked Elizabeth. “Err…”, mumbled Mr Craig Collins. “Perhaps there is something I should explain. It is always dark for me. I’ve had so many spray-on tans my eyes have also tanned. I don’t see too well any more”.

“Well, that explains a great deal!” exclaimed Miss Elizabeth Antonlover. “There are about 6 million people who were wondering what you were seeing.”

That evening the group were invited to dine at Rosings, the home of Lady Catherine de Bourgh aka Bill's mother-in-law (and also the Aunt of Mnsr. Darcydubeke). Elizabeth was asked to entertain them with some dancing. “Had I ever learned to dance”, crowed Lady CdB, “I would have been a great proficient”.

Several weeks went by, when one day there was a great flurry of activity. Guess who was coming to visit Rosings…………
Last edited by fern3 : 07-12-2005 at 16:21

I am practically wetting myself at the thought of Anton/Darcy turning up....I think my hands will be trembling too much to write that bit!

Why Mr Anton DarcyDubeke of course. Elizabeth and the Collins were invited to dinner at StrictlyRoisins and there she encounterd that awful Darcy man again, funny though on the way home little visions of him in and open black sparkly shirt and removing his trousers kept appearing!!!!! Gosh she thought I must stop this imagining he's an awful man why a genteel lady like me should not think such thoughts.
The next day the Collins went off to Roisins once more, Craig was going to teach Charlotte to pout at the Roisins Servants as well. Elizabeth wasnt feeling too well so stayed behind. She was quietly reading when something that felt like a whirl wind rushed through the door did a very fast version of Saturday Night fever, then started mumbling embarrasedly: Tres Bon, Bonjour enormously bonjour, my dear Elizabeth your ronde's have captured me will you marry me. Elizabeth looked him straight in the eye and said sternly, Mr Anton DarcyDuBeke if you think that coming in here and thrusting your hips at me is going to make me fall madly in love with you you have another think coming, do you seriously think I'd marry a man in a tight white suit. Begone from my presence this istant.
Sobbing genteely Anton took his leave and some days after this Elizabeth returned to the Bennet Home, where Mr Len Bennett had had a key hole specially designed for private practice, and Aunt Lillia and Darren had turned up to take her on a special jive holiday in dartmoor, Elizabeth was thrilled to accept, and they went off happily, touring the hills and jiving wherever the fit took them. Then one day Aunt Lilia said Elizabeth do you know we are close to Pemberly shall we go and have a look and perhaps have a go in their Ballroom. Will Mr Darcy be there, oh no dear there's no chance of that......................

On the understanding that there was no way she would meet the dastardly Darcydubeke, Elizabeth agreed to look around his home, Pemberley. What a big pile! “And to think I could have been Dance Mistress of all this!”

She remembered Mnsr. Darcydubeke’s recent proposal, and the explanation he had given the next day regarding the situation with Mr Brendan Wickham. Apparently he had been up all night scratching away with a quill and ink, before finally giving up and using a decent Biro. The letter had read:
“Dear Miss Elizabeth Antonlover, at least I can excuse myself from the cruelty you threw at me regarding Mr Wickham. It is true that my father wanted to give him a living in the Church, but Mr Brendan Wickham wasted all his money on wine, women and dancing. He even seduced my own sister, Miss Georgeogiaoiana, by attempting to elope with her to Cornwall. When I found them they were THAT CLOSE to doing..., well I can barely bring myself to say it….., a Rumba ! Imagine the ruin! The disgrace! I was so angry I could have slapped him and scratched his eyes out. I told him never to darken our doors again”.

Since writing the letter, Mnsr. Darcydubeke had been trying to get Miss Elizabeth Antonlover out of his mind. Without success. He decided to return from holiday 1 day early, and on approaching the house decided to cool off in the lake.

He removed his tie.

He unbuttoned the top of his shirt.

He pulled the shirt-tails out of his pantaloons.

And in he went. Splash!!! The water rippled, just rippled, over his body. If Miss Arlene Bingley had seen it she would have died on the spot.

He pulled himself manfully out of the water, with the wet shirt clinging, just clinging, to his body. Eureka!!! He had finally discovered a way of showing his nipples without actually having to remove his shirt!!!

Trudging, dripping, towards the house, he met…………….

Miss Elizabeth Antonlover.

Before either of them could say a word, Bruno, the crazy Italian gardener dived out of the bushes.

"Beautiful!" he exclaimed, "Passion, drama, wet shirts, nipples! You're like a tigress on heat my dear, prowling through the jungle! Don't suppose that nice Mr Ian Bingley Waite is behind you?"

A strangely glazed look came over his face...

No sadly Mr Bingley Waite was not behind them, but Aunt Liliia and Uncle Darren were. Anton sent them off to do some fishing using Bruno as bait, and whisked Elizabeth into the hall to help him dry off..........later much later when Elizabeth returned to the Inn there was a letter to explain that Lydia AntonLover had run off with that Dastardly Brendan Wickham and was threatening to Rumba all over London, Elizabeth was in despair when Anton having not been able to stay away stumbled upon her distress, he comforted her and then like a white night charged off to london to sort things out.
Meanwhile Jane Anton Lover had just been delivered a note which said:

Jane my love it is I Ian Bingley Waite of Sexy Waite land, I love you and have banished Arelene Bingley my annoying sister to the scullery where she belongs, please run away with me so that we may samba the nights away forever. If you wish to do this, meet me in the centre of the woods at midnight, tell no one, see you tonight my darling one, do not forsake me. Jane was thrilled with this and could barlely contain herself, but had to cos father was still practicing with the key holes and that tended to dampen romantic inclinations. Later much later (just love that sentence) Jane was preparing to leave the house to meet with her beloved, when...............

…a messenger arrived on horseback with a note. It was from Uncle Darren in London. Lydia and Brendan Wickham had been discovered. They were married? Yippee? No they were not married. Booo. But they were to be married very soon. Mrs Claudia Bennet went into raptures about wedding clothes, spangly lycra, golden strappy shoes, and demanded that Lydia be married from home.

“No”, shouted Mr Len Bennet from inside his study (the keyhole is now rusted solid and he can’t get out), “she must be married immediately, in London”. “Oh, my poor Lydia”, cried Mrs Claudia Bennet. “I’ll just lie down for another week to get over this shock”.

Mr Len Bennet did not understand how this had all come about. Uncle Darren wrote that Mr Brendan Wickham wasn’t asking for any money, just some L'Oreal's Sublime Bronze Instant Tan vouchers. There must be more to this story…….

Since Mr Len B was unavoidably detained and Mrs Claudia B was rapturing over those gold strappy sandals and how many sequins for the wedding dress, Jane was able to slip out un-noticed and go to meet her beloved, and there she found him in the middle of the wood wearing the divine plumish shirt his alter ego was wearing on itt tonight and with just enough chest showing to tantalise and make all women who should know better want for more!!!!! Ooh Mr Ian Bingley Waite you are really spoiling me with all this chest exposure, but it should really wait till we are married you know. Dont worry said he I have just the thing right here, and out of the trees came Father James Martin, come my darling marry me now, here in this place and then my chest will be yours forever, to show she was a good and demure girl Jane considered this offer for all of 10 second and said, ok gorgeous one where do I sign? And so the happy couple were married by the light of the moon, and as a special favour once they were married Ian undid one more button and let her put her hand on his chest..........but enough of this wanton lust, this is a book full of good and proper people, so lets go back to London where Lydia and Brendan Wickham are about to be married, but wait who is that I spy, is someone going to stop the wedding? The Minister begins to speak" So if any one knows of any just cause or impediment as to why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace".....a pause then "I do" the whole congregation (well only about three were there, but anyway) turned to see who had spoken and were shocked to find that it was...................

…. Brucie. “Sorry”, he said, “but I just can’t resist an opportunity to interrupt. Sorry, sorry, do please go on. You’re my favourites!” And so Brendan and Lydia were married. But is that a gun in Mr Brendan Wickham’s back? Being held by purple-pantalooned Mnsr. Darcydubeke?

Aunt Lilia and Uncle Darren were sworn to secrecy about the Wedding Facilitator, so when Mr and Mrs Brendan Wickham came back to Longbourn, Miss Elizabeth Antonlover could not understand why he had married her. Mr Brendan Wickham had the choice of virtually every woman in the land, and was being pretty successful at working his way through them, so why Lydia? She had no money, her arms left a great deal to be desired, she always giggled during the Paso Doble and Elizabeth felt sure he was trying to make eyes at Camilla again.

But then Lydia let slip that The Purple One had arranged, and paid for, the wedding. Elizabeth was confused. What possible reason could he have for doing her family such a kindness? Her father was still welded in his study, her mother was virtually bedridden, unable to get up due to the ever-increasing high heels, and her sisters’ incessant hip wiggling was beginning to shock even the unshockable Miss Arlene Bingley. There was only Jane; reliable, demure Jane – you would never see her doing anything so shocking as to elope into the woods!

At that moment a coach and 6 horses swept up the driveway. It was of Lady Catherine de Bourgh aka Bill's mother-in-law, with a few choice words to say to Elizabeth………

" Miss Elizabeth Antonlover I insist that you take a turn around the garden with me" barked Lady Catherine de Bourgh aka Bills dancing mother in law.

" I am very sorry, but as I have not perfected my spot turns yet I am afraid I can not take a turn around the grounds with you. I will however be able to prommanard( Sp?) with you if you so desire" replied Elizabeth

" Tsak, Tsak that really isnt good enough, you really must try harder of you will never be a Mrs 10 girl like Mrs Zoe Collins" countered Lady Catherine de Bourgh aka Bills dancing mother in law " but if the is all you can achieve then it will have to do but you will never reach the finals that way young lady."

SoLady Catherine de Bourgh aka Bills dancing mother in law
, and Elizabeth Antonlover neatly performed a pas de deux arround the primroses

Whilst was happening Lady Catherine de Bourgh aka Bills dancing mother in law said to Elizabeth Antonlover........

“Is it true that you are going to marry my nephew, Mr Anton Darcydubeke?”

“No, it is not true”, exclaimed Elizabeth, “but now that you mention it, I have been having a few visions of sequinned black shirts lately. And purple gyrating hips”. Suddenly Elizabeth realised the truth ………….. She was in love with Mr Darcydubeke! His smile, his wit, his compassion, his bizarre trousers……..she loved him.

But where is he? What has become of Jane and Mr Ian Bingley-Waite now that they are married? Is Mr Len Bennet ever going to get out of the study? Will Mrs Claudia Bennet ever walk again? Can Mr Brendan Wickham ever be faithful to Lydia?

We need just one final episode to conclude this story………..
Last edited by fern3 : 07-12-2005 at 23:16

Later that night, much later!! After the Lady De Burgh (Bills Dancing M in Law) had been dispensed back to longbourn, Elizabeth was sitting at her dressing table seeing images of Mr Anton Darcy Dubeke in her mirror when there was a tap at the window. Elizabetg getting up to look found that it was none other than Mr Anton himself, not wanting to wake the house hold she pulled down her pink sparkly drapes and climbed delicately out of the window and joined him in the garden below, and led him to a secluded leafy bower.
Mr Anton what can you be doing here in the middle of the night. Well sayeth he, Elizabeth I can cope no longer, I love you and will have you, I can no longer Waltz alone through life. Could your feelings have possibly changed, could I begin to hope you might feel the same. Blushing very pink Elizabeth replied, it is so hard for me, but my feelings have changed so much I can hardly believe it. However, had you not turned up in tight black breeches and sparkly black shirt slashed to the navel, I would have turned you away on sight, as it is I cannot resist you or your chest, and so I will marry you.
Anton then smiled that glorious cheeky smile and said Tres Bon my darling, tres bon, let us get married at once. What here now in the dark, yes my darling here is Father James now and our witnesses Mrs and Mrs Bingley waite, out of the undergrowth came three people, the minister and a slightly dishevelled Jane and Ian Bingley Waite. My dear Jane said Elizabeth is this true, you two are married? Jane grinned and said yes, we tried to elope but Ian's chest wouldnt let me get very far!!!

So there in that wood Elizabeth and Anton became husband and wife and then they all did a group salsa and went to longbourn to tell the happy news, there they found, Mr Antonlover had at last escaped the study but had a large rusty keyhole stuck to his hand, Mrs Antonlover had made it to the top of the stairs but was waiting for a hand because the shoes were too much for her, at that moment Lydia rushed in crying, the cad, the cad, he's left me for that Camilla girl with the blonde hair, I thought he loved brunettes, wahhhhhhh. Calm down dear its only a fantasy said a voice!!! The next day there was a grand ball at Netherfield and strangely it appeared that the dances were being judged by four rather odd people, and a rather fed up Elephant who wanted to get home for his custard.
They all got tens and danced the Tango till dawn and then they all lived happily ever after. The End.

There is now a new Narnia based story on another thread, thanks for joining in and glad you enjoyed it so much, I certainly did, what vivid imaginations we all have

I've thoroughly enjoyed myself. Haven't got much work done, but who cares?

*applaudes very violently* oww my hands hurt!!!!!!!!

I enjoyed reading that, Kudos!

Been reading the end of this with tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks.

The Beeb should read this and do it for a charity special or something...it would be hilarious!

Thanks girls for making me laugh...brilliant stuff!

Brilliant, girls, well well done!!

Just in case you didn't get to see this the first time around.

There is now a tidied-up version, in Microsoft Word, which we sent to ITT. Anyone who would like a copy, PM me with your e-mail address.

fern3

Muhaha . Well done!


Hm, that's hardly a compliment! Claudia deserves better!
I'm for Darren B as Mr Darcy though, if he can adapt an surly and arrogant look . And Lilia as Lizzy!


*lol* Nice!

Bravo! My prettys.

And tres bon!

As we have a Pride and Prejudice dance coming up this weekend, and a thread asking us to nominate our characters, I thought I'd revivie this old thread. This is what we thought back in 2005!!