Yes thats right it seems I am back sooner than expected, but hey I was having fun and no one is going to stop me having fun, and I also noticed a distinct lack of custard around the place and felt this really needed investigating, so I have been having a word around the place, so pull up a Strictly cushion or a comfy chair and I'll begin:

It is the eve of the "Strictly Custard - It Makes Trifle" dance competition. All our finalists and returning Profs and celebs are in the studio practising for the big night.
Suddenly a blood curdling scream rends the air and all our people freeze on the spot as a voice screams out:

"Someone has Stolen all the CUSTARD".

Silence descends as everyone looks at each other bewildered, can this truly be posssible? At this late stage can all their dreams be shattered by the loss of the most important ingredient in the competition.
How after all can one dance the "Squirrel Custard Samba" without custard, and indeed Squirrels? (Please god the Squirrels havent gone too!!)
Or how can one dance an authentic Group Vienesse Custard Waltz without the aid of deepest, darkest chocolate Vienesse Custard. And as for the Custard Doble it just doesnt bear thinking about.

And before anyone can say "What shall we do next", Erin who had run quietly backstage for a moment came rushing back into the studio, stopped, stared around them all and fainted dead away. Some minutes later after Anton had revived her with a Tres Bon Cocktail and she was settled with her head leaning on Ian's re-assuringly sexy chest, she managed to explain her hysteria:

With a slight tremor in her voice she said: The.....the costumes have all gone...... what do you mean gone? they all asked as one. Just that she replied, gone, not a sequin, or a barely existant dress to be seen. At this some of the men in the room went visibly white and indeed Ian is so shocked he he has to relinquish his chest duties and leave Colin to look after Erin.

A pained look in his eyes he blurts out: Do you mean that there are no tight slashed to the navel shirts, designed especially for gratuitous chest flashing? No shirts of any kind said Erin. Now it was Anton's turn to look horrified, tell me Erin he said, does this mean there are also no extremely tight trousers and pink sparkly shirts?
Nothing, absolutely nothing she said.
Suddenly a huge realisation dawns on Will and just in the nick of time Darren G caught him as he was about to collapse. Will whats wrong they all cried. Barely audible he whispered: Fake Custard Tan does this mean there's no Fake Custard Tan?
Yes Im afraid so said Erin sadly.
This is terrible, if only we knew who had done this awful thing, who has taken it and why, said Anton quietly.

Just at that moment the autocue (which Bruce is meant to use but usually ignores) sprang to life and a message began to scroll up it:

It said: "Greetings you annoying dance people, it is I
Arlene the Custard Witch, I have stolen all the custard and your costumes too. I will hold them and some other very important people hostage until my demands are met".

Scared they all started looking round the room to see if anyone was missing and were thinking they were ok when Lillia screamed loudly: My Diddy Darren they've taken my Darren.
Look, look at the screen said someone, and there as they looked more words scrolled up:

Continued on the next post:
Last edited by startwirler3 : 13-12-2005 at 14:52

"Yes I have your Darrren, oh and Colin you seem to have lost Erin, very careless of you. They looked round at this and it was indeed true, Erin was gone.
But thats not all I also have my three fellow Judges:

Bruno Custard Toniolli, Len Custardman, and Craig Revel Custard. And also Sir Bruce of Custard and Miss Tess Custard.

The auto cue shut off after this and they were left standing around wondering what to do next, come on guys said Darren G we cant let this evil woman destroy our hopes. and dreams, there must be something we can do?
I wish there was said Anton but we dont even know her demands or where she is holding them.
Just then a small elephant wandered into the studio with a small scroll held in his trunk. Hello said Tiny I believe this is a ransom note and I've to give it to all of you. Anton gently took it from him and the little elehant hoofed off out of the studio singing "HappyFeet I've got such Happy Feet" to himself.

Anton unfurled the scroll and here's what it said:

To all you annoying dancing folk, you will know by now that I am now in command of all the custard, costumes, custard tan and a few important people. They are all safe in Strictly Towers, and will all be returned to you safely if my demands are met:

1. I will dance tomorrow, the dirtiest, horniest cha cha cha with the Colin of my dreams.

2. I get to wear the tiniest costume possible, for maximum cleavage, and just because I am a hormonal witch who doesnt know any better.

3. Ian, Brendan, Andrew, and Matthew (but especially Ian) will show no chest or flesh of any kind.

4. There will be positively no Squirrels of any kind.

5. My Fellow Judges will also dance, a dance of my choice.

6. Finally, I will be in charge of the competition and this means that I and I only will win.

Thats all there was. and after Anton had finished reading it out there was a deathly silence. As we look round the room, we can see, Colin hiding and gibbering in a corner, Brendan, Matthew, and Andrew trying to comfort Ian, and Anton himself trying desperately to be cheery but somehow his Bonjours and Tres Bons seem to have left him.

What will happen, who can save them, will the contest go ahead? Perhaps but there are truly only three men who can save them now, the secret alter egos of Ian, Brendan and Anton, can these proud, sexy dancers sacrifice themselves for the greater good?
Will they have the courage to reveal themselves as:

"Brendan Super Custard" (he wears his heart on his sleeve and his sparkly pink pants on the outside)

"Anton Custard Spider Du Beke" (see him weave a web of charm and debonair sayings, that would bring down the hardiest of villains)

And " Ian Indiana, The Sexy Chest of Dance" (One flash of this superhero's chest and all will submit to his will).

Can they do it, will these fine men reveal themselves and save the competition from Arlene the Custard Witch's evil clutches.......................?


Over to you:

Very funny, Star, but for comedy value alone, I wonder if they should just meet Arlene's demands. It would be hilarious)

Well of course they will.

Ian Indiana, makes to rush out of the room, but stops dead in his tracks.
“Hang on a second,” he says, “I can’t do anything until I am accompanied by stereotypical blonde screaming female.”
“Oooh, take me”, shouts Zoe, “I can do that.”
“Excellent,” says Ian Indiana, “Now where’s my whip? Bill, will you PUT THAT DOWN!”

Anton Custard Spiderdubeke is admiring himself in the mirror, bending round to view his bottom in the clingy red and blue all-in-one babygrow.
“This is quite fetching really, Tres elegant. But these suckers on my feet make doing rondes very difficult. Although I can now do rondes on the ceiling, which has to be an advantage!”

Brendan Super Custard is in the corner, playing with his cape. His top covers his chest completely, and has a big B on the front. “Are we ready to go, guys?” he shouts.

The three superheros head for the door; Ian Indiana by flicking his whip over a ceiing beam and swinging across the dancefloor, and Anton by scampering up the walls and dashing across the ceiling. Brenda assumes the punch-fisted position and whizzes through the air above everyone’s head. On the way they pick up the Jelly, Sponge Fingers and a good dose of Sherry as they head off towards……….

only they dont actually know where Strictly Towers is so that doesnt really help much. Then Brendan discovers a map to Strictly Land in a nearby dressing room and they gather round it to see if they can work out where they are, sorry where they need to be.......before they can look properly though a very familiar and quite young voice says, come on boys lets be having a look at your ronde's then. They all turn round startled and are shocked to see a very young Len Custard Man standing before them.
Is that really you Len splutters Anton Spider Du Beke, of course it is boys, it is my younger self, I have returned from my dim and distant past to help you save the show. What do you think of my fab sixties shirt?
Er lovely Len, said the boys trying to sound enthusiastic.

So what can you do to help us said Indiana Ian flexing his chest to keep it supple. Mind out with that chest young man cried Len, ooh sorry said Indian Ian.
Here's what you are going to need to do said Len, quietly and they huddled round him to hear his secret plans for....................