Strictly Casablanca
The Cast
Rick - Bill
Ilsa - Karen
Captain Renault - Bruce
Victor Lazlo - Brendan
Major Strasser - Craig
Other judges - Len and Arlene
Talkative Italian - Bruno
Cafe' hostess - Tess
Bulgarian refugee - Lilia
Her Partner - Darren Gough
Sam - Anton
Ugarte - Dennis
Carl - Ian
Chef - James
Resistance Movement - Claudia
Assorted roles - SCD cast.
A doom laden voice over spinning pink glittery SCD Trophy.
With the coming of the Third Series, many eyes from the worlds of sport and and second rate TV soaps were turned hopefully or desperately to the pink glittery SCD trophy. A tortuous trail to SCD sprang up via Blue Peter, One Man and his Dog and Ready Steady Cook. Through influence, talent or luck, the fortunate final 3 might avoid the dreaded exit visa that will condemn them to Celebrity Big Brother and degradation and obscurity forever. But the rest sit and wait in the studio. And wait, and wait, and wait.
The car park outside TV centre.
Bruce: Strictly Come Dancing welcomes you Craig Strasser.
Craig: Thank you Herr Forsyth.
Bruce: You may find the climate of the studio a trifle warm.
Craig: Oh, ve judges must get used to all temperatures. But perhaps you veren't referring to the air conditioning. Are the contestants still rebellious?
Bill's Cafe Americain, SCD studio. The SCD cast are assembled. Anton at the piano singing Love Potion No 9, segueing into It Had to be You. Bill sits at the table while the floor manager vets the audience. Bill shakes his head at a Channel4 executive vetting the failures who must appear in Celebrity Big Brother.
Channel4 Executive: What do you mean, I know there is dancing going on here, it's no secret.
Bill: Your cash is good at the bar.
Channel4 Executive: Do you know who I am?
Bill: I do, you're lucky the bar's open to you.
As the executive is thrown out, Dennis sneaks in wearing his Samba outfit.
Dennis: Look Bill, do you know what these are? Something you've never seen.
Bill: Your botafogos.
Dennis: No, exit visas. Signed by the judges. Cannot be rescinded. With these hidden, I'll sail through to the final and escape Celebrity Big Brother. Will you hide them for me please?
Bill takes the papers and hides them. Bruce takes them when Bill turns his back and then walks out to the car park.
Tess is at the bar, knocking back the hair dye.
Bill: Stop it you've had enough.
Tess: What a fool I was to think I would stay through the whole series, when all the time you were planning my replacement with Claudia.
Bill: Take her home, she's had too much peroxide.
Will: Yes, boss.
Bill: And come straight back.
Will: Yes, boss.
Patsy takes her turn on the floor shimmying. The judges shimmy in unison and downgrade her.
Len: Here is your exit visa for Celebrity Big Brother.
Patsy: Whatever, am I bovvered?
Bill goes outside and sees Bruce admiring the scenery. Bruno charges past jabbering to Len.
Bruce: If Len gets a word in, it'll be a major Italian victory.
Headlights appear and sweep around the car park.
Bruce: A taxi to the Breakfast studio. I've often speculated why you don't return to Breakfast. Did you mess up reading the autocue? Did you eat all the chocolate biscuits? I like to think you accidentally deleted a whole show's script before you went on air.
Bill: It's a combination of all 3.
Bruce: Whatever possessed you to come to Strictly?
Bill: My wealth, I came to Strictly for the money.
Bruce: Money, what money? We're in the BBC.
Bill: I was misinformed. Bruce, you have something on your mind, spill it.
Bruce: There's a dancer arriving back at Strictly, his name is Brendan Cole.
Bill: Brendan Cole.
Bruce: Bill, I've never seen you so impressed.
Bill: Well, he's succeeded in impressing half the dance world.
Bruce: It's my duty to see that he doesn't impress the other half. Bill, Brendan must not get near the final. He goes to Big Brother. I know you have contacts in the resistance movement, and you've managed to elude Big Brother so far, but I warn you not to help Brendan.
Bill: What gives you the impression I'd help Brendan?
Bruce: Because I sense that under that tough reporters' skin you are at heart a sentimentalist. In America, you stayed at the scene of several hurricanes.
Bill: And got well paid for it.
Bruce: ITV would have paid you more.
Bill: Maybe. I bet you £20,000 that Brendan dances.
Bruce: Make it £10,000. I'm only a poor TV presenter.
Bill: Done. But I know it's the power of the judges...
Bruce: Bill, you overestimate the power of the judges. I don't interfere with them, they don't interfere with me. I'm in charge. I'm master of my fate, I'm...
Floor Manager: The judges want you.
Bill: You were saying.
Bruce: Excuse me.
Bruce walks back into the studio and meets Ian.
Bruce: Give Craig Strasser the best table.
Ian: I have. As he's a judge he'd take it anyway.
Dennis takes to the floor. As he finishes his Samba, he is confronted by 4 nasty wehrmarks. 2, 2, 2, 2.
Arlene: Your hands and arms are horrible! Zey should be like zis! (Throws her arm straight in front of her in a salute.)
Len: It vas just like a Viener Shnitzel. All spongy underneath.
Dennis: May I first finish my botafogos? Bill, you must do something, help me, save me! Bill! BILL!!!
Dennis is bundled out to the bar where he is forced to sign a contract for Celebrity Big Brother.
Will: When they come for me Bill, I hope you'll be more of a help.
Bill: I stick my neck out for nobody.
Craig: Who iss next, I am running out of patience.
James: (bursting out of the kitchen) I can dance, I can dance. What am I doing in the kitchen, I'm not a chef.
Anton: You're telling us.
James: I'm a top cabaret artiste. I've danced in Paris.
Ian: That won't impress Bill, the floor cleaner in here is Greg Dyke.
James: I'm a great dancer, watch, watch.
He and Camilla tango to Mein Herr. The judges shake their heads.
Len: Ze funny neck, makes you look as if you swallowed a viener shnitzel. And what are you wearing zat hat for, silly white hat like that. Get back in ze kitchen.
James is dragged back into the kitchen. Door slams.
Bruce: Bill, this is Craig Strasser. We're very honoured. Craig Strasser is one of the reasons the Third Series enjoys the reputation it has today.
Craig: You say Third Series as though you expect zer to be others for you Bruce.
Bruce: Well, I'll take what comes.
Craig: Can I ask you a few questions Mr Turnbull? Vat is your nationality?
Bill: I was born in London if that helps you any.
Craig: I understand you came to Strictly from Breakfast. Are you von of the people who cannot imagine ze judges in their beloved Strictly?
Bill: Not particularly my beloved Strictly.
Craig: Can you imagine us in Breakfast?
Bill: When you get there, ask me.
Bruce: Diplomatist.
Craig: Vat about the BBC?
Bill: Welll, there are certain sections of the BBC I wouldn't advise you to try and judge.
Craig: Who do you think vill win Strictly Come Dancing?
Bill: I haven't the slightest idea.
Bruce: Bill is completely neutral about everything, that's why he's a journalist.
Craig: You were not always so neutral, ve haf a complete dossier on you. (Fishes small black book out of pocket.) Bill Turnbull aged 49, cannot return to Breakfast. The reason is a little vague, ve also know why you left Breakfast, don't vorry ve won't broadcast it.
Bill: (reading) Hmmm, are my eyes really blue?
Craig: An enemy of ze judges has arrived,and we're just checking up.
Bill: Well, my interest in whether Brendan Cole stays or goes is purely a sporting one. (He leaves.)
Bruce: You see Craig Strasser, you have nothing to worry about with Bill.
Craig: Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
Brendan and Karen walk in.
Brendan: I can't see anyone of Dennis' description.
Bruce: Brendan Cole? I'm Bruce. It's nice to see you, to see you nice. Welcome to Strictly, and you're my favourites.
Brendan: This is Karen Hardy.
Bruce: I was informed that you were the most beautiful female professional in Strictly, that was a gross understatement.
Karen: You're very kind.
Craig: Gut evening Mr Cole.
Brendan: You'll excuse me if I'm not gracious. But you see Craig Strasser, I am a professional dancer.
Craig: You are a professional dancer. But you are now subject to the opinions of the judges. ( He marches off.)
Brendan: This time they really mean to stop me.
Karen: Brendan, I'm afraid for you.
Brendan: We've been in difficult competitions before, haven't we?
Brendan meets Will at the bar.
Brendan: I'm looking for Dennis, I think he can help me.
Will: Dennis can't help himself. He's been thrown out for his botafogos.
Brendan: I see.
Anton wheel the piano over to Karen.
Karen: Hello Anton.
Anton: Hello Karen. Never expected to see you again.
Karen: It's been a long time. Play some of the old songs Anton.
Anton plays Golden Brown.
Karen: Where's Bill?
Anton: I don't know. I haven't seen him all night. Well, he's got another wife in the Breakfast studio. Goes up there all the time.
Karen: You used to be a much better liar Anton.
Anton: Leave him alone Karen. You're bad luck to him. Making him jump over boxes and breaking his leg.
Karen: Play it once Anton. For old times sake. Play What the World Needs Now is Love.
Anton: I'm a little rusty on it.
Karen: I'll hum it for you. Da da da da da, da da da da....
Anton: What the world needs now, is love sweet love
That's the only thing that there's just too little of.
Bill storms up.
Bill: Anton, I thought I told you never to play that.
Bill and Karen's eyes meet. Electric. Brendan returns.
Brendan: One hears a good deal about Bill on the SCD Forums.
Bill: And about Brendan Cole everywhere. Congratulations on your dancing.
Brendan: Thank you, I try.
Bill: We all try, you succeed.
Karen: Let's see, the last time we met?
Bill: The day of our waltz.
Karen: How nice, you remembered. But of course that was the day the judges marched us out of the competition.
Bill: Not an easy day to forget. I remember every detail, the judges wore grey, you wore blue.
Karen: Yes, I put that dress away. When the judges disappear I'll wear it again.
Brendan: We must go and practice Karen.
Karen: Say goodnight to Anton for me. There's nobody in the world who can sing What the World Needs Now is Love like he can.
Bill: He hasn't sung it in a long time. It explains why the studio's empty now.
Later. Empty dark studio. Bill is sitting at the bar.
Bill: She's coming back, I know she's coming back. They get Dennis, and then she walks in. One in and one out. That's the way it goes. Three weeks, she's got a new partner. My shoes weren't even cold. Of all the studios in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
Anton is tinkling away.
Bill: Stop it, you know what I want to hear.
Anton: No I don't.
Bill: You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can stand it I can. Play it.
Anton plays What the World Needs Now is Love. Bill stares into space, memories flooding back, the whole third series flashing through his mind. Meeting Karen, learning to dance, laughing together...'go studmuffin'! the practice, the shows, the scores......
Backstage. Final day.
Karen: Bill, I'm afraid for you.
Bill: I'm on the judges blacklist already. Roll of honour.
Karen: It's the judges. They're giving us our marching orders tonight. The whole world is crumbling around us. Is that the marks being given, or is it my heart pounding? (sobbing) dance with me, dance with me as if it were for the last time......
Bill: She's a wonderful person. You've brought me so much further than I imagined was possible, thank you baby. Be brave, be brave, it's alright baby.........
Bill knocks his glass over. Karen is silhouetted in the door.
Bill: Why did you have to come back to Strictly, there are other places to dance.
Karen: I wouldn't have come if I'd known you were here.
Bill: Your voice is the same, I can hear it now. I would not swop Bill for anybody, he really is my hero, we shall dance together, and go on and on and come out with a hell of a bang....
Karen: Don't Bill, I know how you feel.
Bill: Do you know how long we had together sweetheart?
Karen: I didn't count the days.
Bill: Well I did. Especially the last one. The wild finish, a guy standing under a spotlight with a comical look on his face because his insides had been kicked out.
Karen: Can I tell you a story Bill?
Bill: Has it got a wild finish?
Karen: I don't know the finish yet. It's about a dancer who retired but still had dreams. One day she met another dancer who sparked her joy of dance all over again, an exciting and dangerous man. ( A tear trickles down her cheek.)
Bill: Who was it you left me for. Was it Brendan, or were there other dance partners in between, or aren't you the kind that tells?
Karen walks out.
So as the final looms closer Craig Strasser demands to know the whereabouts of several visas that are strangely missing. He and Bruce ransack the studio looking for them without success. Nobody seems to know where they are.
Anton: I don't know what you're talking about. Don't know what you're talking about. I've got no idea what you're talking about really. I really don't know what you're talking about.
Bill meets up with Karen in the costumes department as she searches for a dress that won't fall down.
Bill: Your story had me a little confused. Why did you come back, to tell me why you left? I got stuck with the dry cleaning bill, I think I'm entitled to know.
Karen: We have to dance together once more in the final, and then we'll never see each other again. Maybe if we leave it at that we'll remember the good times we had together in Strictly and not last night. You see, Brendan is my professional partner. And was, even when I was dancing with you in Strictly.
Bill stares at her shocked.
The Studio. The Strictly Come Dancing final.
Bill: That was some going over you gave this place, we barely got cleaned up in time for the show.
Bruce: I told Craig he wouldn't find them.
Lilia: Can I speak to you a moment Bill?
Bill: How did you get in here, you're underage.
Lilia: I came with Bruce.
Bill: I see.
Lilia: My partner Darren is here too.
Bill: Well, Bruce is getting broadminded. Where is your partner?
Lilia: Practising his lindyhop for the final. He still can't remember it. We're in third place. We desperately want to escape Channel4. Oh, things are very bad over there Bill. They buy and sell human beings. The devil has them by the throat. We do not want to go to such a channel. But staying in Strictly is so difficult. It's taken everything we have to get here.
Bill: Well, everybody in Strictly has their problems, yours may work out. Excuse me.
Lilia looks after him with tears in her eyes. Bill goes backstage and meets Claudia teetering in very high heels.
Claudia: What is it?
Bill: The dazzler has to win. Spread the word among the resistance movement in the viewers. Blokes can dance. That's the code. I'll say it only once.
Claudia: You've said it six times already.
The Final. Bill and Karen reprise their Cha Cha Cha. As soon as the music started, Karen felt like she had never felt with Brendan. The joy of the dance overtook them and as they finished, Bill took her hand.
Bill found Lilia and Darren backstage.
Bill: Quick, take these and hide them.
Lilia: What are they?
Bill: Your exit visas. If the judges can't find them, they'll have to place you first.
Party after the final. The judges, disappointed with the result, are forcing Anton to play while they sing;
Ve are the judges.
Ve give nasty marks
Ve are the judges
Ve are real narks.
Brendan: (To the orchestra) Play What the World Needs Now is Love.
The whole SCD cast sing, drowning out the judges.
Claudia: Vive la SCD! Vive la SCD!
Craig: If Brendan Cole can inspire such feeling in zis studio, what else can he do. I order zis place be closed.
Bruce: But everyone is having such a good time.
Craig: Much too good a time. Close.
Bill: What grounds do you have for closing me?
Bruce: I'm shocked to find that dancing is going on in here.
Floor manager: Your cheque for presenting, Mr Forsyth.
Bruce: Oh thank you very much.
Later that night. Karen and Bill meet in deserted studio.
Karen: You'll help Brendan won't you. He'll have his dancing, all that he's worked for.
Bill: But he won't have you for his partner.
Karen: I can't fight it any more. I stopped dancing with you once, I can't do it again. I don't know what's right or wrong any longer. You'll have to think for both of us.
Bill: All right, I will. Here's looking at you, kid.
To be continued.
The Cast
Rick - Bill
Ilsa - Karen
Captain Renault - Bruce
Victor Lazlo - Brendan
Major Strasser - Craig
Other judges - Len and Arlene
Talkative Italian - Bruno
Cafe' hostess - Tess
Bulgarian refugee - Lilia
Her Partner - Darren Gough
Sam - Anton
Ugarte - Dennis
Carl - Ian
Chef - James
Resistance Movement - Claudia
Assorted roles - SCD cast.
A doom laden voice over spinning pink glittery SCD Trophy.
With the coming of the Third Series, many eyes from the worlds of sport and and second rate TV soaps were turned hopefully or desperately to the pink glittery SCD trophy. A tortuous trail to SCD sprang up via Blue Peter, One Man and his Dog and Ready Steady Cook. Through influence, talent or luck, the fortunate final 3 might avoid the dreaded exit visa that will condemn them to Celebrity Big Brother and degradation and obscurity forever. But the rest sit and wait in the studio. And wait, and wait, and wait.
The car park outside TV centre.
Bruce: Strictly Come Dancing welcomes you Craig Strasser.
Craig: Thank you Herr Forsyth.
Bruce: You may find the climate of the studio a trifle warm.
Craig: Oh, ve judges must get used to all temperatures. But perhaps you veren't referring to the air conditioning. Are the contestants still rebellious?
Bill's Cafe Americain, SCD studio. The SCD cast are assembled. Anton at the piano singing Love Potion No 9, segueing into It Had to be You. Bill sits at the table while the floor manager vets the audience. Bill shakes his head at a Channel4 executive vetting the failures who must appear in Celebrity Big Brother.
Channel4 Executive: What do you mean, I know there is dancing going on here, it's no secret.
Bill: Your cash is good at the bar.
Channel4 Executive: Do you know who I am?
Bill: I do, you're lucky the bar's open to you.
As the executive is thrown out, Dennis sneaks in wearing his Samba outfit.
Dennis: Look Bill, do you know what these are? Something you've never seen.
Bill: Your botafogos.
Dennis: No, exit visas. Signed by the judges. Cannot be rescinded. With these hidden, I'll sail through to the final and escape Celebrity Big Brother. Will you hide them for me please?
Bill takes the papers and hides them. Bruce takes them when Bill turns his back and then walks out to the car park.
Tess is at the bar, knocking back the hair dye.
Bill: Stop it you've had enough.
Tess: What a fool I was to think I would stay through the whole series, when all the time you were planning my replacement with Claudia.
Bill: Take her home, she's had too much peroxide.
Will: Yes, boss.
Bill: And come straight back.
Will: Yes, boss.
Patsy takes her turn on the floor shimmying. The judges shimmy in unison and downgrade her.
Len: Here is your exit visa for Celebrity Big Brother.
Patsy: Whatever, am I bovvered?
Bill goes outside and sees Bruce admiring the scenery. Bruno charges past jabbering to Len.
Bruce: If Len gets a word in, it'll be a major Italian victory.
Headlights appear and sweep around the car park.
Bruce: A taxi to the Breakfast studio. I've often speculated why you don't return to Breakfast. Did you mess up reading the autocue? Did you eat all the chocolate biscuits? I like to think you accidentally deleted a whole show's script before you went on air.
Bill: It's a combination of all 3.
Bruce: Whatever possessed you to come to Strictly?
Bill: My wealth, I came to Strictly for the money.
Bruce: Money, what money? We're in the BBC.
Bill: I was misinformed. Bruce, you have something on your mind, spill it.
Bruce: There's a dancer arriving back at Strictly, his name is Brendan Cole.
Bill: Brendan Cole.
Bruce: Bill, I've never seen you so impressed.
Bill: Well, he's succeeded in impressing half the dance world.
Bruce: It's my duty to see that he doesn't impress the other half. Bill, Brendan must not get near the final. He goes to Big Brother. I know you have contacts in the resistance movement, and you've managed to elude Big Brother so far, but I warn you not to help Brendan.
Bill: What gives you the impression I'd help Brendan?
Bruce: Because I sense that under that tough reporters' skin you are at heart a sentimentalist. In America, you stayed at the scene of several hurricanes.
Bill: And got well paid for it.
Bruce: ITV would have paid you more.
Bill: Maybe. I bet you £20,000 that Brendan dances.
Bruce: Make it £10,000. I'm only a poor TV presenter.
Bill: Done. But I know it's the power of the judges...
Bruce: Bill, you overestimate the power of the judges. I don't interfere with them, they don't interfere with me. I'm in charge. I'm master of my fate, I'm...
Floor Manager: The judges want you.
Bill: You were saying.
Bruce: Excuse me.
Bruce walks back into the studio and meets Ian.
Bruce: Give Craig Strasser the best table.
Ian: I have. As he's a judge he'd take it anyway.
Dennis takes to the floor. As he finishes his Samba, he is confronted by 4 nasty wehrmarks. 2, 2, 2, 2.
Arlene: Your hands and arms are horrible! Zey should be like zis! (Throws her arm straight in front of her in a salute.)
Len: It vas just like a Viener Shnitzel. All spongy underneath.
Dennis: May I first finish my botafogos? Bill, you must do something, help me, save me! Bill! BILL!!!
Dennis is bundled out to the bar where he is forced to sign a contract for Celebrity Big Brother.
Will: When they come for me Bill, I hope you'll be more of a help.
Bill: I stick my neck out for nobody.
Craig: Who iss next, I am running out of patience.
James: (bursting out of the kitchen) I can dance, I can dance. What am I doing in the kitchen, I'm not a chef.
Anton: You're telling us.
James: I'm a top cabaret artiste. I've danced in Paris.
Ian: That won't impress Bill, the floor cleaner in here is Greg Dyke.
James: I'm a great dancer, watch, watch.
He and Camilla tango to Mein Herr. The judges shake their heads.
Len: Ze funny neck, makes you look as if you swallowed a viener shnitzel. And what are you wearing zat hat for, silly white hat like that. Get back in ze kitchen.
James is dragged back into the kitchen. Door slams.
Bruce: Bill, this is Craig Strasser. We're very honoured. Craig Strasser is one of the reasons the Third Series enjoys the reputation it has today.
Craig: You say Third Series as though you expect zer to be others for you Bruce.
Bruce: Well, I'll take what comes.
Craig: Can I ask you a few questions Mr Turnbull? Vat is your nationality?
Bill: I was born in London if that helps you any.
Craig: I understand you came to Strictly from Breakfast. Are you von of the people who cannot imagine ze judges in their beloved Strictly?
Bill: Not particularly my beloved Strictly.
Craig: Can you imagine us in Breakfast?
Bill: When you get there, ask me.
Bruce: Diplomatist.
Craig: Vat about the BBC?
Bill: Welll, there are certain sections of the BBC I wouldn't advise you to try and judge.
Craig: Who do you think vill win Strictly Come Dancing?
Bill: I haven't the slightest idea.
Bruce: Bill is completely neutral about everything, that's why he's a journalist.
Craig: You were not always so neutral, ve haf a complete dossier on you. (Fishes small black book out of pocket.) Bill Turnbull aged 49, cannot return to Breakfast. The reason is a little vague, ve also know why you left Breakfast, don't vorry ve won't broadcast it.
Bill: (reading) Hmmm, are my eyes really blue?
Craig: An enemy of ze judges has arrived,and we're just checking up.
Bill: Well, my interest in whether Brendan Cole stays or goes is purely a sporting one. (He leaves.)
Bruce: You see Craig Strasser, you have nothing to worry about with Bill.
Craig: Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
Brendan and Karen walk in.
Brendan: I can't see anyone of Dennis' description.
Bruce: Brendan Cole? I'm Bruce. It's nice to see you, to see you nice. Welcome to Strictly, and you're my favourites.
Brendan: This is Karen Hardy.
Bruce: I was informed that you were the most beautiful female professional in Strictly, that was a gross understatement.
Karen: You're very kind.
Craig: Gut evening Mr Cole.
Brendan: You'll excuse me if I'm not gracious. But you see Craig Strasser, I am a professional dancer.
Craig: You are a professional dancer. But you are now subject to the opinions of the judges. ( He marches off.)
Brendan: This time they really mean to stop me.
Karen: Brendan, I'm afraid for you.
Brendan: We've been in difficult competitions before, haven't we?
Brendan meets Will at the bar.
Brendan: I'm looking for Dennis, I think he can help me.
Will: Dennis can't help himself. He's been thrown out for his botafogos.
Brendan: I see.
Anton wheel the piano over to Karen.
Karen: Hello Anton.
Anton: Hello Karen. Never expected to see you again.
Karen: It's been a long time. Play some of the old songs Anton.
Anton plays Golden Brown.
Karen: Where's Bill?
Anton: I don't know. I haven't seen him all night. Well, he's got another wife in the Breakfast studio. Goes up there all the time.
Karen: You used to be a much better liar Anton.
Anton: Leave him alone Karen. You're bad luck to him. Making him jump over boxes and breaking his leg.
Karen: Play it once Anton. For old times sake. Play What the World Needs Now is Love.
Anton: I'm a little rusty on it.
Karen: I'll hum it for you. Da da da da da, da da da da....
Anton: What the world needs now, is love sweet love
That's the only thing that there's just too little of.
Bill storms up.
Bill: Anton, I thought I told you never to play that.
Bill and Karen's eyes meet. Electric. Brendan returns.
Brendan: One hears a good deal about Bill on the SCD Forums.
Bill: And about Brendan Cole everywhere. Congratulations on your dancing.
Brendan: Thank you, I try.
Bill: We all try, you succeed.
Karen: Let's see, the last time we met?
Bill: The day of our waltz.
Karen: How nice, you remembered. But of course that was the day the judges marched us out of the competition.
Bill: Not an easy day to forget. I remember every detail, the judges wore grey, you wore blue.
Karen: Yes, I put that dress away. When the judges disappear I'll wear it again.
Brendan: We must go and practice Karen.
Karen: Say goodnight to Anton for me. There's nobody in the world who can sing What the World Needs Now is Love like he can.
Bill: He hasn't sung it in a long time. It explains why the studio's empty now.
Later. Empty dark studio. Bill is sitting at the bar.
Bill: She's coming back, I know she's coming back. They get Dennis, and then she walks in. One in and one out. That's the way it goes. Three weeks, she's got a new partner. My shoes weren't even cold. Of all the studios in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
Anton is tinkling away.
Bill: Stop it, you know what I want to hear.
Anton: No I don't.
Bill: You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can stand it I can. Play it.
Anton plays What the World Needs Now is Love. Bill stares into space, memories flooding back, the whole third series flashing through his mind. Meeting Karen, learning to dance, laughing together...'go studmuffin'! the practice, the shows, the scores......
Backstage. Final day.
Karen: Bill, I'm afraid for you.
Bill: I'm on the judges blacklist already. Roll of honour.
Karen: It's the judges. They're giving us our marching orders tonight. The whole world is crumbling around us. Is that the marks being given, or is it my heart pounding? (sobbing) dance with me, dance with me as if it were for the last time......
Bill: She's a wonderful person. You've brought me so much further than I imagined was possible, thank you baby. Be brave, be brave, it's alright baby.........
Bill knocks his glass over. Karen is silhouetted in the door.
Bill: Why did you have to come back to Strictly, there are other places to dance.
Karen: I wouldn't have come if I'd known you were here.
Bill: Your voice is the same, I can hear it now. I would not swop Bill for anybody, he really is my hero, we shall dance together, and go on and on and come out with a hell of a bang....
Karen: Don't Bill, I know how you feel.
Bill: Do you know how long we had together sweetheart?
Karen: I didn't count the days.
Bill: Well I did. Especially the last one. The wild finish, a guy standing under a spotlight with a comical look on his face because his insides had been kicked out.
Karen: Can I tell you a story Bill?
Bill: Has it got a wild finish?
Karen: I don't know the finish yet. It's about a dancer who retired but still had dreams. One day she met another dancer who sparked her joy of dance all over again, an exciting and dangerous man. ( A tear trickles down her cheek.)
Bill: Who was it you left me for. Was it Brendan, or were there other dance partners in between, or aren't you the kind that tells?
Karen walks out.
So as the final looms closer Craig Strasser demands to know the whereabouts of several visas that are strangely missing. He and Bruce ransack the studio looking for them without success. Nobody seems to know where they are.
Anton: I don't know what you're talking about. Don't know what you're talking about. I've got no idea what you're talking about really. I really don't know what you're talking about.
Bill meets up with Karen in the costumes department as she searches for a dress that won't fall down.
Bill: Your story had me a little confused. Why did you come back, to tell me why you left? I got stuck with the dry cleaning bill, I think I'm entitled to know.
Karen: We have to dance together once more in the final, and then we'll never see each other again. Maybe if we leave it at that we'll remember the good times we had together in Strictly and not last night. You see, Brendan is my professional partner. And was, even when I was dancing with you in Strictly.
Bill stares at her shocked.
The Studio. The Strictly Come Dancing final.
Bill: That was some going over you gave this place, we barely got cleaned up in time for the show.
Bruce: I told Craig he wouldn't find them.
Lilia: Can I speak to you a moment Bill?
Bill: How did you get in here, you're underage.
Lilia: I came with Bruce.
Bill: I see.
Lilia: My partner Darren is here too.
Bill: Well, Bruce is getting broadminded. Where is your partner?
Lilia: Practising his lindyhop for the final. He still can't remember it. We're in third place. We desperately want to escape Channel4. Oh, things are very bad over there Bill. They buy and sell human beings. The devil has them by the throat. We do not want to go to such a channel. But staying in Strictly is so difficult. It's taken everything we have to get here.
Bill: Well, everybody in Strictly has their problems, yours may work out. Excuse me.
Lilia looks after him with tears in her eyes. Bill goes backstage and meets Claudia teetering in very high heels.
Claudia: What is it?
Bill: The dazzler has to win. Spread the word among the resistance movement in the viewers. Blokes can dance. That's the code. I'll say it only once.
Claudia: You've said it six times already.
The Final. Bill and Karen reprise their Cha Cha Cha. As soon as the music started, Karen felt like she had never felt with Brendan. The joy of the dance overtook them and as they finished, Bill took her hand.
Bill found Lilia and Darren backstage.
Bill: Quick, take these and hide them.
Lilia: What are they?
Bill: Your exit visas. If the judges can't find them, they'll have to place you first.
Party after the final. The judges, disappointed with the result, are forcing Anton to play while they sing;
Ve are the judges.
Ve give nasty marks
Ve are the judges
Ve are real narks.
Brendan: (To the orchestra) Play What the World Needs Now is Love.
The whole SCD cast sing, drowning out the judges.
Claudia: Vive la SCD! Vive la SCD!
Craig: If Brendan Cole can inspire such feeling in zis studio, what else can he do. I order zis place be closed.
Bruce: But everyone is having such a good time.
Craig: Much too good a time. Close.
Bill: What grounds do you have for closing me?
Bruce: I'm shocked to find that dancing is going on in here.
Floor manager: Your cheque for presenting, Mr Forsyth.
Bruce: Oh thank you very much.
Later that night. Karen and Bill meet in deserted studio.
Karen: You'll help Brendan won't you. He'll have his dancing, all that he's worked for.
Bill: But he won't have you for his partner.
Karen: I can't fight it any more. I stopped dancing with you once, I can't do it again. I don't know what's right or wrong any longer. You'll have to think for both of us.
Bill: All right, I will. Here's looking at you, kid.
To be continued.
That has just brought the biggest grin to my face you could imagine. 
