Welcome to a new story from the pen of the Starry one, starring in no particular order:

Professor Len Keyhole-Lover
Lady Karen Keyhole-Lover
Sir Craig Revel Horrid.
Dr Arlene Snakehips lover.

Julian Chest
Camilla Ann
Dick Du Beke
Lillia George
Cola the Dog
Other cast as required.

It is a bright spring day and Prof Len has woken early reminded that he needs to practice some more for the up-coming Keyhole Olympics. This is a very important national competiton at which he will be up against the brightest lights in the Peeing through a keyhole world.
Events such as the Keyhole Relay, The Keyhole Sprint and
The Keyhole half marathon are attended by thousands every year, so its important that he the current Peeing Through a Keyhole Champion of Champions is up to scratch.

Happily he gets up and has breakfast with his lovely wife Lady Karen and then makes his way to his specialy designed Key Hole peeing practice studio. As he arrives he realises that the door is open and pushing it gently it creaks open (scarily just like in scooby doo) but Sir Len is tough and isnt scared (yet) he walks in to his studio and lets out a howl of despair and horror as he discovers that his precious silver keyhole is missing. This is his pride and joy his specially designed competition standard keyhole which he always wins with at the Olympics.

Lady Karen hearing his howl comes rushing out to him. She comforts him and then says, well theres only one thing for it, the competiton is but days away, only one set of people can solve this one, we need the Strictly Five.................

Will Sir Len ever see his precious Keyhole again, will the Strictly Five come to his aid (lets hope they are not having a much needed extended break on Strictly Island to get over the strictures of the Pink Sparkly trunks incident) and who are those evil looking people giggling behind the rhododendrons in Sir Len's garden.............................

Delicioushly naughty one this time, young storyteller.

But, wait!! Are you not away to the depths of the Scottishland to find you hearts delight?

Go and pack!!

Tell yer Aunty Boz what trophy's you bring back, won't you?

who exactly is it who is giggling evilly in the rohododendrons? Could it be.......it looks suspciously like.........even disguised with large Paso Capes and Zorro masks it must be the one and only (oops sorry two only) evil henchmen Andrew and Matthew!!!! And what is that they are clutching (no its not the strictly trophy they really need to get past weeks one and two to get near that and prevent one Mr Waite getting to the final (hmm not likely is it lol)!!!!
No it looks suspciously like a silver keyhole, a very precious silver keyhole belonging to the one and only Prof Len who is at this moment crying into his rapidly rusting copper keyhole and turning it green. (Actually its amazing the henchmen got there at all this morning, such a to do there was over the Paso Capes, Mr Waite of course had snaffled the one with the pink lining after being masterful with Camilla in that way we all love: "Its Pink darling get used to it......") so that left the gold and the blue, Andrew Henchman said it was his turn for the gold but Matthew wasnt having any of it. They comprimised in the end by letting Andrew have the gold Zorro mask) Anyway on with the story in hand, they did get there and now have the keyhole which Matthew now secretes in the secret pocket sewn into his cape, and they creep off through the garden to take their prize to their Master and Mistress the evil Craig and Arelene.

Meanwhile Lady Karen has hastily sent a text message to Julian Chest in the hope that he might get it before going off on a much needed break somwhere to rest his chest after the recent exertions. Indeed he feels vibrations just as they do indeed land on Strictly Island in order to check out George's Uncles newly errected Tower and to spend a few days resting. Gosh he says who can be texting me at this ungodly hour. He reads the message and looks up startled at the others..........well chums it looks like another mystery is on the horizon, one Lady Karen Keyhole-lover has asked for our assistance at our earliest convenience to find her husband's Keyhole......................

Will the Strictly Five cut short their holiday and viewing of the tower? Will the henchmen manage not to trip up on their capes and make it out of Lord Len's very long garden, and what exactly is Arlene Snakehips trying to teach that young scared looking man.............................

And so after a quick conversation about what to do, the Strictly Five decide that they must cut their break short and return to Strictly Land to help Lady Karen to find the Prof’s precious silver Keyhole. They start to make their way back to the hidden harbour (so hidden even they sometimes have trouble finding it). They are nearly there when they are brought to an abrupt halt by two tall imposing women, one in a dress of extraordinary colour combinations and very high heels and unavoidable cleavage. The other, tall and willowy, and for some unknown reason dressed in a pink sparkly dress with what looks like a furry tail to it, and carrying a large amount of rope.

These are the Legendary Strictly Hench-ladies, Zoe Sambalicious and Claudia Cleavage. Zoe fixes Julian with a hard stare (not easy because he is rather taken with the pinkness of her dress, but she tries anyway) and says: “And where do you think you are going?”, we have instructions to keep you here at all costs. Yes said Claudia steadying herself on her heels for a moment : “We cannot allow you to return to Strictly Land and find the Silver Keyhole, our champion Bruno Tinkleman must win the Keyhole Olympics and nothing is going to stop him.”

Dragging his eyes from Zoe’s sparkly dress Julian draws himself up to his full height, and puffing out his chest, says: “Move aside, you cannot stop us, we will not be thwarted in our task”…… Bravo, said Dick who was standing supportively next to his friend. Zoe was silent for some moments, and then looking Julian straight in the eye (well she is the only one there tall enough to do so) says: “There is no escape, get used to it”……..

So despite Julian’s bravery they have no choice but to allow themselves to be led off by the hench-ladies and tied up in the top of Lillia George’s fathers tall tower, from which there is no escape (but a lovely view from the top). Soon they are left alone while the Hench-ladies guard them down at the bottom of the tower and practice their spot-turns for something to do. When she is sure the ladies have gone and cant hear them Lillia G, says: Don’t worry, I managed to slip a note under Cola’s collar while they weren’t looking, he’ll take it straight to Diddy Darren (she goes slightly pink at mentioning his name but no one notices) and he will come and rescue us…………….

Meanwhile, the henchmen have managed not to trip up on their capes but Andrew did tear his getting over the wall and that has upset him a little. Andrew re-assures him, its ok he says most dancers are a dab hand with a needle, I’m sure someone will help you sew it up. Matthew is cheered a little by this and lets Andrew carry the keyhole for a while for being so kind and helpful, and because he doesn’t want to ruin the line of his cape.

Someone also having an interesting time is Dr Arlene Snake-hips lover, she has been auditioning young men to find her ideal set of snake-hips (a sort of Strictly Hip Fever type thing) at the moment she is rather taken by a tall blonde young man who is wiggling his hips very fast and very sexily, she leans towards him in drool mode, but he is having none of it and turns on his heel (well he’s a dancer what else would you expect).


Turning back only to say: Stop drooling woman, I wiggled these hips for a whole series and you never even noticed till right at the end, they are my hips and you cant have them, go find someone else to wiggle at you. He then walked out closing the door masterfully behind him (well you wouldn’t expect him to slam it now would you!!)
Arlene sits back disappointed for a moment and then another young man enters the room, and soon its forgotten as she watches a certain hurdler strut his stuff, until suddenly her hubby and partner in crime: Craig Revel Horrid (for it is he) rushes in and shouts: Stop it, stop it I say, there are more important things to deal with now, someone has accosted our henchmen and taken the silver keyhole and torn their lovely Paso Capes, come we must find this thief before its too late……………..

Will Arlene be dragged away from those hips, will Andrew and Matthew Henchman get over the destruction of their capes long enough to help, who is that receiving a note from a very familiar canine, and will the Strictly Five ever be free of the hench-ladies……………

in the tower the Strictly five are trying to think of ways to losen their rope, and escape routes from the island. Loosening the rope is made very simple because they arent actually tied up and therefore no rope to loosen. While the five wander round the room thinking how to escape and trying not to catch each other's eyes' after the rope incident, at the bottom of the tower the two henchladies congratulate themselves on a perfect capture and the skill of their spot turns.
In fact they are so caught up in themselves they fail to spot the Strictly Five creeping out of the tower and across the Island to the entrance to the secret passage to the mainland which Lillia George has handily just remembered about.
With a sigh of relief they reach a small slab of stone with a ring set in it and all heaving together managed to open it up and jump down it one by one. There is a useful and handy store of torches and candles in a rocky cleft down below and a ball of string long enough to reach all the way along the passage until they are safe.

So their journey begins down this rugged and damp passage, guided only by flickering light and holding tight to the string that is being unrolled by Camilla Ann. After they have walked for sometime they are brought up short by an opening in the wall in which something appears to be glittering..........

Meanwhile Cola the dog has at last found Diddy Darren and has passed on Lillia George's note to him (strange but he goes slightly pink too cant think why) he reads it and determines to get to the island as soon as possible. However, he is arrested (not literally) by the sight of two bickering women in a small boat which they are having trouble landing. He decides to help them out and perhaps get intelligence of the Strictly Five while doing so (he has recognised them as the henchladies) So putting on his most charming smile (well we know how sweet he can be) he approaches the ladies and helps them ashore asking innocently if anything is wrong. They are not really paying attention but just mumbling, something about annoying dancy types escaping from them.
Darren leaves them then realising that his friends have managed to escape and he has an idea just where they might be escaping to, so he walks off thoughtfully in the direction of.........

What is the sparkly thing in the tunnel, who has stolen the silver keyhole from the henchmen and where is Diddy Darren heading for so thoughtfully.....................

Not only me, but also my boyfriend is awaiting the next part!

Scouse xx

Thanks Scouser!! (and boyfriend)

So the Strictly Five are deep into the underground passage which leads (hopefully) to the mainland. But at this moment in time they have come to a standstill, (not easy in a single file passage but they've had a pretty good stab at it!!) and are looking at a rather shiny object which is sitting on a rocky shelf set back into the wall. Julian (the oldest and therfore bravest and most macho (despite his slight love of all things pink) approaches the object and shines his torch on it to reveal a mini version of our most beloved SCD Trophy with as they look closer a tiny arrow on it pointing to a tiny button and with the message next to it (unsurprisingly really) "Press this Button, all will be revealed". So finger shaking slightly Julian extends it and pushes the button, the trophy shakes a little and a tiny door opens and out slides..................

Meanwhile Diddy Darren is walking slowly and thoughtfully towards what appears to be a derelict and almost demolished cottage high on a hill with the sea glittering far below. He settles himself on the grass outside knowing he may be in for a long wait, and gradually falls asleep in the hot sun and dreams of Jiving the night away with a certain young lady of his acquaintance (and goes slightly pink as he dreams (and not from the sun)!!!!

So what has the sparkly trophy revealed, and will Diddy Darren wake in time to realise that there is someone with a very grim look on their face fast approaching his lovely idyllic spot..........

Wake up Diddy Darren!

Thanking you kindly... and so is Si (the boyfriend)!

Scouse xx

P.S: He wants to know will Lady Karen feature in the next chapter?

exactly who is striding up the hill towards Darren with determination and a grim grim look on their face? As they get closer we can see there is only one person it could be, and that is a very angry Lady Karen who has been waiting for what seems like forever for the arrival of the Strictly Five to help her Keyhole Hunt.
She finally arrives and stops infront of Diddy Darren looming over him and watching him slowly surface from sleep, and he appears to be mumbling something about Georgie and Jiving but all that is forgotton when he see's who is standing infront of him. He jumps up (well kind of, he doesnt have far to jump for obvious reasons).

Lady Karen he begins to stutter but she stops him with a grim look in her steely eyes and he waits in silent fear for what she is going to say. So she intones grimly, where are those lazy dancers then? I call for help and where are they? No where to be seen. Diddy Darren finds his voice and says: They, they got Kidnapped Lady Karen, I got a note from Cola the dog, that's why I'm here, hoping they find their way through the handy secret passage which comes out under this old cottage.
She is starting to thaw slightly at hearing this but still not very happy. Hmm well I suppose that's ok, will they be here soon?

They should have been here ages ago I wonder what is keeping them................

Meanwhile back in the underground passage Julian has removed a small piece of paper from the sparkly trophy and unfolding it has discovered a small map and underneath it the words...........................

Um Star what has happened to Dick is he still being supportive of Julian? What about purple under wear poor Pris will be dissapointed if he doesnt have purple undies this time

Of course Dick is standing up fot Julian, he just hasnt had to yet lol.

As for purple undies hmm not sure, not that kind of story really

"Read the Map, Find the Key and the Strictly Treasure will be Yours". Gosh how exciting exclaimed Dick who had been looking round Julian's shoulder (well he couldnt look over it could he now!!) shall we do what it says asked Camilla Ann? Oh yes lets said Lillia George, can we Julian, please? Julian looks round them all and nods, I think its a jolly spiffing Idea, and in anycase the map is of a house which I believe is at the end of the passageway so as we will be there we might as well check it out mighten we?
Gosh how wonderful replied the others as they made their way along the passage towards the entrance to the old house, Julian clutching the precious map close to his chest and grinning widely.

Meanwhile in Snakehips Mansion Arlene Snakehips is fighting with Craig over who should try and find out who stole the precious silver keyhole from their trusty henchmen.
Suddenly the door flies open and Bruno Tinkleman rushes in
in complete fury, screaming about keyholes and olympics and how his artistic temperament is all out of alignment because of all this mess and what are they going to do about it?

Will the Strictly Five ever reach the cottage and find the key and appease Lady Karen, and will there be an almighty bust up between Bruno and Arlene and Craig.............

Brilliant! Really cheered me up after a night I would rather not have had!

Keep it up!

Scouse xx

Glad to be of service Scouse, hope you are feeling better now

Now here we must pause as we come to a rather interesting twist in the tale. For as we return to Keyhole Towers residence of the esteemed Lord Len and Lady Karen, we find that just arrived are two very familiar looking henchladies. Bruce the butler ushers them into the drawing room and presently Lord Len appears looking very angry indeed and bearing that expression that tells you no matter how much he has raved about someone's dancing skills he just isnt going to be persuaded to give them a 10)!! One job I give you, he shouts at them, one tiny job and you let them escape. Should have known better than to use women such as you for such an important job.

Zoe tries to speak but he cuts her off so angry is he: I lay a beautiful plan for the Silver Keyhole to disappear so I dont have to compete in the daft Olympics yet again to keep my good lady happy, and you go and lose the people who are bound to find it and give me no choice but to compete. It was Matthew and Andrew lost the keyhole though piped up Claudia in between Lord Len pausing for breath. Thats not the point snapped Lord Len, right you two begone and find those Strictly Dancery people and thwart them with all your might or your dancing skills or possibly your ample bosums if need be!! The Ladies blush at this last but are quite chuffed really and promising to do the job properly this time the bid Lord Len farewell......

Back in the passage way the Strictly Five have been brought up short by a rather inconveniently placed solid rock wall bumping into it infact and knocking into each other in the process. Once recovered Julian says brightly, well I guess we are nearly there then, can anyone spot a way out of here? They all look round and up (clever Idea that wasnt it but then dick is very clever that way) and eventually Ann spots a small crack and points at it............

Will the henchladies find the Strictly Five and thwart them? , will Bruno ever be pacified (hmm unlikely) and will the five discover if the small crack is big enough for them to get through and where exactly it leads to and will there be a handy rope ladder hidden somewhere to aid their escape (like in all the best books........) .....................

Oh you just had to go and say it didn't you...

Brilliant as ever!

Scouse xx

Well, well, well!!

O Great Storyteller, you've mananged it again. Another ripping yarn!!

Oh! please continue, The Lady is all agog!!

Holding my breath and sitting on my hands here at Boz Towers waiting for the next episode.

Julian being the tallest stretches towards the crack and finds it is widening as he touches it. He pushes hard and with an almighty creak a trapdoor finally slides open allowing light to stream down upon them. Hoorah shouted the others delighted to be almost free, now how do we get out of this hole then said Dick cheerily? Well said Julian Im the tallest so I'll help boost you up, come here Ann and I'll help you out first. So soon Ann and George and Dick are safely out of the hole leaving only Julian still to come. They hold out their hands to him but he shakes his head knowing he will be too tall and too heavy for them to lift. He scrabbles around on the rock face and finds some handy clefts hewn in it (if only he'd done that first he wouldnt have had to do all that boosting) and deftly he climbs out of the hole as the others cheer at at last being free of the long dark cold passage that they had entered what seemed like weeks ago.

Right said Julian, we must go to work we have a key to find remember...........they are about to do just that when they are startled by a loud angry female voice shouting :" About time too" as she walks into the room a grim look on her face. It is of course Lady Karen and trailing behind her rather sheepishly (no not baaing and frolicking) Diddy Darren. The Strictly Five stare shocked at Lady Karen and wait for her to continue.........and boy does she: "One simple thing I ask of you and you let women capture you , Im disappointed Julian I really am, a hot chest isnt enough anymore, you must be dedicated to the cause and not be thwarted by mere women!!

The others look at Julian waiting to see how he will respond to this. He stands up tall looks her straight in the eye and says: they werent just any ladies they were henchladies and very devious, and not bad at Spot Turns either........ I dont care about Spot Turns said Lady Karen what I want is the Silver Keyhole and for you to find it before its too late. With this last she turned on her heel pausing only briefly at the door to say: Dont let me down this time, take this little boy here and see if he can help you do your job properly!! Then she stormed out slamming the cottage door behind her.

There is silence for a time apart from Darren whimpering slightly at being called a little boy. George comforts him and re-assures him he is definitley a man (just dont ask me how she knows that lol) They all nod in agreement and then Julian takes charge and sounding masterful says: Right people its time to get busy first we must find the key that is hidden in the cottage somewhere and then we must go and find the silver keyhole and restore it to its rightful owner. Dick you are with me downstairs, girls you go upstairs, Darren anywhere else you can think of look in it, we must find this key before its too late.............

Meanwhile back at Snakehips Mansion Bruno has been pacified a little by being allowed to go through Craig's interesting selection of ties and cravats and choose one for his very own, and also he has been given his own special silver ten paddle so he can look at himself on one side of it and admire the ten on the other. So while he is busy Arlene and Craig are free to plot to find who stole the keyhole from their trusty henchmen and ruined their poor paso capes...................

Will the Strictly Five find the precious key, what will Darren discover in the basement and how long will Bruno be content with looking at his own reflection.................

I'd take a wild stab in the dark that Bruno's reflection would probably be the only thing he wouldn't give a 2 to!

Scouse xx

the five and Darren begin to search the cottage, we hear occasional thumps from upstairs and bangs from downstairs as drawers are gone through and toes occasionally stubbed. Meanwhile Darren has started to make his way to the basement but before he could he discovered that the light to it was broken, he didnt have a torch so now he has found a candle and stuck it on an old saucer and it is flickering as he makes his way slowly down the stairs. He is a little bemused and a little scared because he is sure he can hear voices and see a faint light, unusual because he thought no one else knew about the cottage. Gingerly he tiptoes down the stairs and peeks round the corner and is stunned to see our four favourite hench people in the midst of a game of strip poker. The henchladies are giggling rather alot because they are obviously far better players than the henchmen who are rather pink in the face and down to their boxers.

Darren decides it would be a good idea to leave and warn the others and so he begins to creep back up the stairs but accidently knocks his saucer against the wall causing quite a loud chink which makes the hench people go silent and then he hears Zoe Henchlady saying: There's someone down here, we'd better find out who. And then : thats ok boys you get dressed Claudia and I can handle this one. Soon footsteps are approaching where Darren is still rooted to the spot...................

Meanwhile up in the bedroom Julian has made a discovery, a small box with an inscription on it.......he gets rather excited about this and calls for the others to come and see it. Once they are all in the room he shows them the inscription which says ""Look within and Joy will begin......" Gently he opens the box and inside it is a small piece of parchment on which is written the words:

Will Darren escape the Henchladies, and what is written on the parchment and oh dear Bruno has had enough of his own reflection for the time being and is on the rampage at Snakehips mansion..................

Dearest Star!!!

nearly choked on the morning cup of Darjeeling there!!

Keep this up young scribe and keep yer old Lady Boz on the edge of her seat.

Happy Birthday Pris:

Just before Julian called everyone upstairs to show them his newly discovered box Dick had been wandering around poking into various dark holes and opening cupboards and then he heard a noise downstairs at the back door and went to investigate, there he found a young girl with a tear stained face and being a kind young man he asked what was wrong? Between sobs the young lady explained: My name is Priscilla and its my birthday and I am a big fan of yours and I loved the last story you were in and especially your purple trunks. Dick is a little embarrassed by this but lets her continue...... It would make me so happy said she if I could see your lovely trunks just once, are you wearing them just now? He is very embarrassed by this and standing up firmly said: Im sorry young lady even if it is your birthday I'm not removing my trousers. She bursts in to tears at this and taking pity on her he says wait here: then goes inside for a moment and returns with a pair of purple trunks, here my dear these are my spare ones have them as a birthday present. Her face lights up at this and content she says thank you and leaves him to go back to his friends and investigate Julian's box.........

(more of the real story soon)

Oh thank you thank you! I shall treasure them!

The Lady is taking a breather for a few days until the weather gets warmer.

So!! On with the story, young scribe!

Star? where for art thou?

Getting withdrawal symptoms for a story.