As Louisa said today that she has no more work lined up, and we'd all love to see her back on screen, I thought I'd give some producers something to think about...

(Apologies to all Eastenders fans...)

It is summer 2007 in Albert Square, and Stacey is working on her stall...

Stacey: Ere Martin, will you mind me stall while I get a cuppa? Cheers.

Suddenly, we here a voice off screen...

Voice: Oi, Stacey Slater! Get yourself over 'ere now!

Stacey looks behind her...

Stacey: Oh blimey...Ruby, is that you?

Ruby: Yes Stace. I'm back. And I'm angry.

Stacey: Oh. Where you been Rube?

Ruby: After I left the square, I went to my 'ouse in Essex for a bit. Got bored there, so I went back to Venice, and that's where I met 'im (indicating behind her)

Behind Ruby we see a small man in a fedora hat, pinstripe suit, and carrying a violin case

Ruby: Stace, meet my boyfriend Vincente. 'E's wiv the mafia.

Vincente: It is nice to see that Ruby had friends as beautiful as her. You would like my number yes? I will give it to you.

Stacey: 'Ere, he's foreign...

Ruby (giggling): I know. He's so lovely ain't he. I love 'im so much.

Vincente: And I am already the bethst looking man in Walford. Maybe I should clone myself...

Stacey: Ah, it's nice to see you 'appy Rube.

Ruby: Yeah. But i'm still Jonny Allen's daughter, and don't you forget it! Now where that scumbag bruvver of yours who through me dead dads ashes in me face?

Stacey: Er...Seans in the caff...

Ruby: Right, come on Vincente. I've got a score to settle...

Vincente: Goodbye Stacey. She needs a sexy man to help her.

SCENE 2: THE CAFE

Ruby storms through the door, upsetting the doughnut stand and approaches Sean

Sean: Ruby, what are you doing...

Ruby: Can it you little worm. I'm here to get you, and get you good. See that man there. Well he's my new Mafia bloke, and me and 'im are going to finish you off good and proper.

Vincente opens the violin case and reaches inside.

Sean: No...don't shoot me....please

Ruby: Shoot you? Nah...shooting's too good for you. Attack!

Instead of a gun, Vincente produces a tape recorder and presses play. The song is "Left outside alone" by Anastasia. Ruby and Vincente proceed to do a Paso Doble of such passion and drama, that Sean collapses and dies of sheer wonderment.

Ruby: Right. And if any of the rest of you want to try to cross me and Vincente, there gonna be strictly trouble.

NEXT WEEK : Ruby and Vincente somehow save Dot from a fire by peforming a jive...
Last edited by Quizmike : 13-12-2006 at 15:32

Brilliant Quizmike! Encore! Encore! Vincent in pinstripe and a fedora; too cute for words.

Quizmike you're becoming a bit of a legend! Can't wait for the next installment.

Love it Mike. You're on top form.

when is the next installment?? love it thanks

Fantastic

That was brilliant I love it ...

Fantastic can't wait for next episode

This is hilarious, get Louisa in Vincent in Eastenders now BBC and Quizmike as the new script writer

that was amazin! lmao!! hilarious! more please! the "donut stand" quote made me lol!!

Thank you folks. Glad you enjoyed it

Trying to think of something with a dance off in it, but not getting very far. Hopefully inspiration will strike me soon!

Waaay thats good stuff there Quizmike!

That was good Quizmike. Any chance that maybe some other people from Strictly could come into Albert Square please.

Great Quizmike

Don't think Vincent would be safe in Eastenders, Big Mo would soon be after him. Enough to frighten him to death.

Build up Vincente's part, he might make Deadenders worth watching.

Stacy: Rube. ‘ow are ya?

Ruby: (Sniffs and sticks nose in air) Wot? Wot do you want?

Stacy: (looking upset) What’s up Rube? Fancy a fry up in the kaf?

Ruby: Well, I’m ‘eading that way, but I’ve got a new best mate now. After your bruvver dumped me, I don’t ‘ave time for you anymore.

Stacy: Wot? ‘ho is she? ‘ho is this new best mate?

Ruby: ‘er name is Emma. And I love ‘er! She should win.

Stacy: (confused) Win what?

Ruby: (glances at script) Er…not sure but that’s what the BBC script says! Anyway, I’m meeting my best mate Emma and boyfriend Vincenzo now. ‘ard luck.

Stacy slinks away, looking depressed.

In the Kaf:

Ruby: Vincenzo! I love you! Let’s go on ‘oliday together!

Vincenzo: Thath’s what all the girths say! I am a popular man. (Glances at phone to check for missed calls)

Ruby: Why you looking at your phone? ‘ave you got another woman?

Vincenzo: Rubinzo, you have no competithon, except for every other woman I have ever meth. And some of those I have not meth. I am expecthing a call from Beyonce.

Emma enters the Kaf. The next 15 minutes of the episode is devoted to her with no mention of anyone else.

(After 15 mins)

Ruby: Emma! Now that I ‘ave a boyfriend and now no longer have a chance with other men, I think all the other men should fancy you! Girl power!

Emma: Yes, I’m doing it for you Ruby! Ah, just got a cramp in my leg. (Does a high kick.) That’s sorted it!

More later.
Last edited by Shappy : 14-12-2006 at 11:40

What about Emma working in the cafe She's had plenty of practice wiping her greasy hands down her front. Matt driving Charlie Slaters cab he likes the odd Journey or two, and we could have Len giving a masterclass in the community centre.

Excellent work guys - keep 'em comin!

Hyesterical stuff

Hey Shappy! Brilliant. Well done

Thanks Quizmike! This may become the new Strictly BJ thread!

I am quite literally crying with laughter. Absolutely brilliantly written.

I have Matt Dawson face ache from laughing so hard

definitely make Deadenders worth watching........

Karen could have a part too, well a few tears over some crisis or other never go a miss on soaps.

Pure Class - Lovin' it !!!