Originally Posted by mindyann:
“We have thought showering.”
“We have thought showering.”
Sounds kinky
Management speak
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Originally Posted by Marmite Baby:
“Is that because she's one sandwich short of a picnic?
”
“Is that because she's one sandwich short of a picnic?
”
Ha ha. No it's because some people on here think she's a "Jammy Dodger"
Originally Posted by serendipitea:
“
I once went to an ideas meeting which was held in a sand pit.”
“
I once went to an ideas meeting which was held in a sand pit.”
That really is the pits (sorry)
I used to work in construction and that was refreshingly free of Management speak/Jargon but then I moved into Public sector housing and was told by area manager we had to "Make sure to give best value to our prompt payment clients to inspire them to maintain rental efficiency" Translation: "Evict those tenants that don't pay on time so that those who do keep paying!"
Thankfully, I'm out of all that now. Does anyone know where I can get an application form for the next apprentice?
Originally Posted by call100:
“Actually I am in such a position that I employ managers. So how exactly am I longing? What position do you hold? Finding managers who are leaders and achievers instead of talkers is the hard part.
Good leaders are born not trained. The problem with todays management wanna be's is that they watch programmes like 'The Aprentice' and think thats the way to get on and do it. They are just wrong.
Just look at the two Managers working for Alan Sugar. How far from the Aprentice's are they in manner and style?”
“Actually I am in such a position that I employ managers. So how exactly am I longing? What position do you hold? Finding managers who are leaders and achievers instead of talkers is the hard part.
Good leaders are born not trained. The problem with todays management wanna be's is that they watch programmes like 'The Aprentice' and think thats the way to get on and do it. They are just wrong.
Just look at the two Managers working for Alan Sugar. How far from the Aprentice's are they in manner and style?”
You are so right about this. The best managers I have had during my career have all been down to earth, honest with their staff and someone you could trust. They are respected by their staff and earn loyalty through their actions.
The worst are those that fall back on using meaningless language and you just know that if their boss ever finds fault with the work of their team they will be the last person to accept fault. They have no respect or loyalty and are toxic to their companies as anyone below them with any ability will get out fast, losing the company the good staff most spend a fortune trying to keep and nurture if they have any sense.
Originally Posted by Dollystanford:
“I had to attend a 'blue sky' meeting yesterday *cringe*
and 'cutting edge' has now become 'leading edge' all of a sudden - because cutting could be seen as negative - wtf?????
and I work in the public sector!!!”
“I had to attend a 'blue sky' meeting yesterday *cringe*
and 'cutting edge' has now become 'leading edge' all of a sudden - because cutting could be seen as negative - wtf?????
and I work in the public sector!!!”
Surely leading could be seen as negative cos it implies winners and losers
We don't have a suggestion box where I work. If we have an idea we have to ask for a "Licence to innovate"
We got told this today, and the first thing I thought about was this thread
We got told this today, and the first thing I thought about was this thread
Well I think non of you get the corp speak because you're not thinking outside the box enough.
Anyhoo I'm off to form a synergy with a tab and a brew and I'll think about how I can steer my ship to maximise productivity and raise the ceiling on profit!
Anyhoo I'm off to form a synergy with a tab and a brew and I'll think about how I can steer my ship to maximise productivity and raise the ceiling on profit!
Originally Posted by gadders:
“Think yourselves all very lucky that you don't work for this company:
http://www.huhcorp.com”
“Think yourselves all very lucky that you don't work for this company:
http://www.huhcorp.com”
lol
I liked the Scottish womans reply to Sir Allan when he acused her of freezing durng her presentation:
"The presentation was sligthly shorter than originally planned" was her reply or words to that effect. Priceless
"The presentation was sligthly shorter than originally planned" was her reply or words to that effect. Priceless
I liked Katie's ideation so much I looked it up on the web this morning and got:
process of thinking or the formation of ideas that may be affected adversely post brain injury
which actually now seems appropriate
process of thinking or the formation of ideas that may be affected adversely post brain injury
which actually now seems appropriate
Yes I noticed "Ideation" too. I knew she was using it in a management speak way - not that I knew what it meant, I didn't think it was a real word!
BTW how many times did they say "brainstorming" last night
BTW how many times did they say "brainstorming" last night
My favourite management speak is "challenges".
There are no problems or difficulties in life just challenges!
Run over by a bus and lost your legs - thats not a problem just a challenge
and there no bosses now they are "team leaders"
There are no problems or difficulties in life just challenges!
Run over by a bus and lost your legs - thats not a problem just a challenge
and there no bosses now they are "team leaders"
Originally Posted by rob1973:
“Managment don't want problems anyway, they want solutions!”
“Managment don't want problems anyway, they want solutions!
”
Management speak?? Oh, dear God. I have a few bog standard onesfor you. When I was a Store Manager at a certain mobile phone company, we all HAD to adhere to the following rules, amongst others:
1) The old favourite: problems were renamed ''challenges'.
2) Contracts are NOT contracts. They are 'agreements'.
3) Another old chestnut: no staff. You do not have staff, you *are* not staff: you are all 'team members'. You're not referred to as the manager, either, despite what is written on your contract. Oops, sorry, I mean on your AGREEMENT. You're a 'senior colleague'. Until something goes wrong, then HR decide to call you the manager again.
4) Every day we all had to 'think outside the box' - this was the first phrase any of us saw when logging into the company intranet, as it was on the homepage. In large red letters.
There is more and it gets worse. The most bizarre part was that at our management induction training, we were all given an elastic wristband to wear. Everytime we forgot to adhere to one of the jargon rules, we had to snap the band, as a reminder of how dreadful it was to forget. Corporate conditioning. Oh, yay.
Originally Posted by Sara Webb:
“Management speak?? Oh, dear God. I have a few bog standard onesfor you. When I was a Store Manager at a certain mobile phone company, we all HAD to adhere to the following rules, amongst others:
1) The old favourite: problems were renamed ''challenges'.
2) Contracts are NOT contracts. They are 'agreements'.
3) Another old chestnut: no staff. You do not have staff, you *are* not staff: you are all 'team members'. You're not referred to as the manager, either, despite what is written on your contract. Oops, sorry, I mean on your AGREEMENT. You're a 'senior colleague'. Until something goes wrong, then HR decide to call you the manager again.
4) Every day we all had to 'think outside the box' - this was the first phrase any of us saw when logging into the company intranet, as it was on the homepage. In large red letters.
There is more and it gets worse. The most bizarre part was that at our management induction training, we were all given an elastic wristband to wear. Everytime we forgot to adhere to one of the jargon rules, we had to snap the band, as a reminder of how dreadful it was to forget. Corporate conditioning. Oh, yay.”
“Management speak?? Oh, dear God. I have a few bog standard onesfor you. When I was a Store Manager at a certain mobile phone company, we all HAD to adhere to the following rules, amongst others:
1) The old favourite: problems were renamed ''challenges'.
2) Contracts are NOT contracts. They are 'agreements'.
3) Another old chestnut: no staff. You do not have staff, you *are* not staff: you are all 'team members'. You're not referred to as the manager, either, despite what is written on your contract. Oops, sorry, I mean on your AGREEMENT. You're a 'senior colleague'. Until something goes wrong, then HR decide to call you the manager again.
4) Every day we all had to 'think outside the box' - this was the first phrase any of us saw when logging into the company intranet, as it was on the homepage. In large red letters.
There is more and it gets worse. The most bizarre part was that at our management induction training, we were all given an elastic wristband to wear. Everytime we forgot to adhere to one of the jargon rules, we had to snap the band, as a reminder of how dreadful it was to forget. Corporate conditioning. Oh, yay.
”
I think I'm going to cry.
Originally Posted by 2LO:
“I think I'm going to cry.”
“I think I'm going to cry.”
That sounds like a challenge, you'd better think outside the box more!
I think we should all eventuate a meeting to deep-dive these issues and pulse our results.Let's leave it on the hillside overnight and check for teeth marks in the morning... at this point in time, let's tackle the low-hanging fruit first, get a few easy wins under our belt.
etc etc etc...
AAARGHHH!!!
In looking to facilitate optimal cliche flow, I believe we should maximise looking to discuss a collectivisation of our non-modern testicular resources. Or in other words...
Some management terms:
Net Lag: That glazed look when you have been online for too long.
Prairie dogging: When something happens in office with cubicles, where people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organisation layers beginning just above the rank of office centre manager. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Stress puppy: A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on a computer keyboard.
Idea hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running .
Mouse potato: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating the company’s web browsing rule of conduct.
It's a Feature: From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Tim, he's the alpha geek around here."
Mission critical: We are stuffed if this fails!
Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.
Performance Appraisal Terms and Their Real Meanings
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Character Above Reproach - Still one step ahead of the law
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Plans for advancement - Buys drinks for all the boys/girls
Uses Logic on Difficult jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense of Humour - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Of Great Value to the Organisation - Gets to work on time
Relaxed Attitude - Sleeps at desk
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
Net Lag: That glazed look when you have been online for too long.
Prairie dogging: When something happens in office with cubicles, where people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organisation layers beginning just above the rank of office centre manager. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Stress puppy: A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on a computer keyboard.
Idea hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running .
Mouse potato: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating the company’s web browsing rule of conduct.
It's a Feature: From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Tim, he's the alpha geek around here."
Mission critical: We are stuffed if this fails!
Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.
Performance Appraisal Terms and Their Real Meanings
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Character Above Reproach - Still one step ahead of the law
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Plans for advancement - Buys drinks for all the boys/girls
Uses Logic on Difficult jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense of Humour - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Of Great Value to the Organisation - Gets to work on time
Relaxed Attitude - Sleeps at desk
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
Originally Posted by Sara Webb:
“That sounds like a challenge, you'd better think outside the box more!
I think we should all eventuate a meeting to deep-dive these issues and pulse our results.Let's leave it on the hillside overnight and check for teeth marks in the morning... at this point in time, let's tackle the low-hanging fruit first, get a few easy wins under our belt.”
“That sounds like a challenge, you'd better think outside the box more!
I think we should all eventuate a meeting to deep-dive these issues and pulse our results.Let's leave it on the hillside overnight and check for teeth marks in the morning... at this point in time, let's tackle the low-hanging fruit first, get a few easy wins under our belt.”
Thanks, that made me LOL.
Much more cheerful now!
(I'm going to have to remember: "leave it on the hillside overnight and check for teeth marks in the morning".
Originally Posted by Sara Webb:
“... I think we should all eventuate a meeting to deep-dive these issues and pulse our results.Let's leave it on the hillside overnight and check for teeth marks in the morning... at this point in time, let's tackle the low-hanging fruit first, get a few easy wins under our belt....”
“... I think we should all eventuate a meeting to deep-dive these issues and pulse our results.Let's leave it on the hillside overnight and check for teeth marks in the morning... at this point in time, let's tackle the low-hanging fruit first, get a few easy wins under our belt....”
Are you absolutely passionate about that?
Originally Posted by Sara Webb:
“ 4) Every day we all had to 'think outside the box' - this was the first phrase any of us saw when logging into the company intranet, as it was on the homepage. In large red letters.”
“ 4) Every day we all had to 'think outside the box' - this was the first phrase any of us saw when logging into the company intranet, as it was on the homepage. In large red letters.”
I once had to explain to a Japanese coleague what the boss mean when he said "we need to think outside the box in order to facilitate solutions to the multitude of challenges before us".
It was almost a Ricky Gervais / John Cleese moment.
He got the idea when we explained to him "anyone got any bright ideas for solving all our problems?".
He soon went back to Japan....
Originally Posted by Cadence:
“Are you absolutely passionate about that?”
“Are you absolutely passionate about that?
”
I forgot to mention, "thank you for waiting" as opposed to "sorry for the delay" - which , admittedly, makes more sense than the rest of the gobbledygook.
Originally Posted by PorkSausage:
“I
He got the idea when we explained to him "anyone got any bright ideas for solving all our problems?".
He soon went back to Japan....”
“I
He got the idea when we explained to him "anyone got any bright ideas for solving all our problems?".
He soon went back to Japan....”
I don't blame him.
Incidentally, try some blue sky thinking: they're not problems. They're not even challenges any more. Oh no. They are...
...UNBORN SOLUTIONS!!
Originally Posted by Sara Webb:
“
I forgot to mention, "thank you for waiting" as opposed to "sorry for the delay" - which , admittedly, makes more sense than the rest of the gobbledygook.”
“
I forgot to mention, "thank you for waiting" as opposed to "sorry for the delay" - which , admittedly, makes more sense than the rest of the gobbledygook.”
That reminds me of one of my pet peeves:
Signs that say: "Thank you for not smoking".
Unfortunately (well, fortunately really) I had given up smoking well before they came in.
Otherwise I would have just kept smoking and, had anyone pointed out the notice, told them that it did not apply to me.
For obvious reasons.
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