Strictly Pete and Dud.

An unpublished sketch by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore.

In a pub.

Pete: Hello Dud.
Dud: Hello Pete.
Pete: You look a bit browned off Dud.
Dud: I am Pete, I bleeding am. I've lost 60 quid....60 quid up the bleeding spout.
Pete: How's that then Dud?
Dud: Well Pete, I'll tell you, to start off, have you noticed how so many women these days can't seem to keep their kit on?
Pete: Well, no Dud, not in my experience like.
Dud: I tell you it's everywhere Pete, everywhere. In the newspapers, you can't miss it.
Pete: But you don't buy them sort of newspapers do you Dud?
Dud: No I don't! I know that! That's why I don't buy them mate, I tell you they should be on the top shelf. But now they're all at it. You open a page and BANG! In car adverts. BANG! Have you thought of holidaying in Benidorm? Open up the gardening page and BANG! And last week Sienna Pod or Miller or whatever her name is in a park showing everything in the bloody Daily Mail of all places! They should have a thumbnail tiny version of the picture on the front page, with a warning saying this photograph is on page 11 and then you could turn it over quick and not see it. And I've seen this programme that's on. Strictly Come Prancing or whatever it's called. You remember the old Come Dancing that used to be on? The one with the birds dressed in those big skirts and they looked like shuttlecocks going round?
Pete: Sort of Dud.
Dud: Well that had a bit of class that did. But this version, blimey. I'm not watching the dancing any more, I'm watching to see if the bleeding outfit holds on. There's this bird and she's whirling round one way and all the time I'm thinking the two tiny bits of material she's got on is going to fly off in the other direction into the audience. The cameraman's got the shakes as well, he can't keep the bleeding camera still! It's a worry Pete, I tell you.
Pete: I suppose it is Dud.
Dud: I can't enjoy it because I'm worrying about it. I'm petrified. She's going round at 60 miles an hour and I'm taking bets with myself whether the material stays on until the end of the dance. They might as well be wearing 3 sequins in the right places and have done with it. And I heard who's going to be in it this year. I got all excited because I kept hearing the name Kelly. Then it turns out to be bleeding Kelly Brook!
Pete: What's wrong with that then Dud?
Dud: What's wrong with that? I'll tell you what's wrong with that mate! All these fancy women they're having on, all these Kelly Brooks, and Penny Carlisles and Gabby Logoffs, they are totally unrealistic!
Pete: Why?
Dud: Well look. When I heard the name Kelly, I thought it was Ruth Kelly.
Pete: Oh.
Dud: And what's wrong with Fern Britton? Or Ann Widdecombe or Vanessa Feltz, or Dawn French? Real women mate!
Pete: I see what you mean Dud.
Dud: Instead we have these glam types swanning around every Saturday night wearing next to nothing. It's disgraceful Pete, it really is.
Pete: But I don't see what all this has got to do with losing 60 quid Dud.
Dud: Well, I'm coming to that aren't I! I'll tell you how I've lost 60 bloody quid! When I saw that picture in the Daily Mail I was disgusted. Straight up, I couldn't read any more mate. It went straight in the bin. In the bin, didn't bother with the rest of it.
Pete: But how did you lose 60 quid Dud?
Dud: I put it in the wrong bloody recycling bin didn't I, and got a 60 quid fine.
Pete: Oh dear Dud.
Pause.
Pete: Dud?
Dud: What?
Pete: Do you know where I could get a back copy?
Dud: Well, if you do get one make sure you put it in the right bloody bin!

LMBO

Excellent nancy

I loved Pete and Dud - shame their not around to entertain us any more

As ever Nancy take a bow and your curtin calls- excellent


ROFL and I love Pete n' Dud as well

Love the bit about the shaky camera man!!!! hehe

THanks Nancy!

Love
Peach
x

Bravo, bravo (Or whatever they say these days in theatrical circles ) Brilliant How much would I love to have seen Pete OR Dud in SCD! Thanks so much Nancy for taking all our minds off the great ticket debacle so wonderfully xx

Fantastic Nancy

Just loved Dud and Pete

Just remember to keep it clean if you do any more

( Derek and Clive )

And who is going to be the Greta Garbo in the Strictly pack

Just an unashamed little bump for this thread.
It has so much potential

Dud:That Greta Garbo keeps following me around and as for Anna Magnani , she won't leave me alone

They just wants my body

For above movie stars insert Kelly Brook or Letitia Dean Lol!!!

Tap tap tap.........at the window.

And it was bloody Bill Turnbull in his STS.

He was hanging on to the window sill, and I could see his knuckles all white

"Get down Turnbull "I said, "Have you no shame ?"

Loved them too. I still laugh at Dud wanting to be the first one-legged Tarzan. Pete - "I have nothing against your right leg - trouble is, neither have you." Pure genius.

Bedazzled.
Cult film. Great sketches, and superb music by Dud.

LMAO

Just love that sketch too

And glad you like my treatment of a certain Mr Turnbull LL

Strictly Pete and Dud.

Part 2.

3 weeks later and still in the pub.

Pete: You look a bit knackered Dud.
Dud: I am Pete I am. I'm knackered, I tell you, knackered. Not getting any sleep at all.
Pete: Why's that then Dud?
Dud: I keep being woken up in the middle of the night, by shouting and screaming. I can't do with it any more mate, it's doing me head in.
Pete: Who's doing that then Dud?
Dud: I look out the window and guess who's out there in a negligent. Bleeding Kelly Brook, that's who. Kelly Brook. She's got nothing better to do than stand out in the garden calling out to me every night. And I need my kip mate.
Pete: I know you do Dud.
Dud: She keeps yelling to me she wants to practice her dance steps with me. And I'm yelling back, 'go away Kelly! I'm not interested! Go and find someone else! And there she is yelling 'No I want you!
Pete: It must be a bit of a pain Dud.
Dud: It bleeding is Pete. And guess who was tapping on the window the night before. Lilia Kopylova, that's who, bloody Lilia Kopylova in a shortie nightie. Hanging on to the windowsill she was. 'Get down Lilia', I says. 'Have you no shame'? Her knuckles all white they were. And she's beseeching me to come down. And I'm saying 'Leave me alone Lilia.' I can't do with this harassment. There's no end to it Pete.
Pete: Sounds terrible Dud.
Dud: I tell you, it's harassment, pure harassment. And then the phone rings, and I hear this heavy breathing down the phone. Ola Jordan, Ola bloody Jordan moaning on and on about how she wants me. And I can't stand it any more Pete! I can't stand it!
Pete: Well, you've got to do something about these women harassing you Dud.
Dud: What do you want to do tonight then Pete?
Pete: Let's watch that new dancing show Dud.

Huge ROFL

I edited.

Even better

Both versions ROFL

Take another well deserved bow

Bravo, bravo again 'in her negligent'

You're so clever nancy - this really does conjure up Pete and Dud in their macs and flatcaps down the pub

'Lilia Kopylova in a shortie nightie ...... Ola bloody Jordan moaning on and on .....' Excellent !

PS - Must admit, the thought of a Derek and Clive version is pretty irresistable - if completely unacceptable

It would be great though

I hope it served another purpose in cheering us up on the catastrophic results show decision.

Read this last night and laughed so much my sides hurt.

Read again this morning and still ROFL LMAO and work colleagues looking at me very strange.

Off to a very boring meeting for 2 hours. This might keep me awake

Hope it worked.

yes it did.

Its nearly 7pm on a Friday night and Im still at work sat waiting for reports to print:yawn:

Time to read it again