[shefair]

Dear Deidre

I am a 17 year old singer whose mentor on a talent show did not take me through.

I cant understand it WHYYYYYYYYYY WWWHYYYYYYY I was better than the others,

I know my mother always told me to not stand about with my hands in my pockets, and to smile and say thank you , but I know that is rubbish , WHHHHHHYYYY Deidre WHHHHHHYYYY.

It not fair, I hate them ALLLLLLLL.

Yours kicking the gravel


A

its not FAIR!!!!!!



your

[Stockingfiller]

Dear 17 year old,
Regrettably, Aunt Deirdre seems to be very busy at the
moment. She might be giving evidence to the Levenson inquiry or alternatively, be dancing the merengue for Diamond Dan at the Copacobana Club, somewhere north of Havana. We hope to hear from her soon.

It goes without saying, that we feel your pain re the rejection you have suffere regarding having spent your entire life, preparing to live the dream. It must have been exhausting, to sing along with Cds all day and every day in your bedroom, using a hairbrush as a microphone.

It must have been upsetting too, to have never taken the oppurtunity to engage in study, sports, helping mum around the house, helping your grannies, enjoying the outdoors, engaging in charity work, joining a choir, not to mention the myriad number of hobbies you might have taken up eg learning to play a musical instrument. You have given up such a lot !

We suggest that perhaps honing your amazing talent for a little while longer and then trying for the big time again, would be a good course of action. Your first target might be to learn to sing in tune.

Hopefully, it then won't be too long before you are a huge star, featuring in all the celeb magazines, detailing your relationships, breakdowns, rehab etc.

Yours sincerely,

The Association of Ex Reality Show Contestants

[shefair]

Dear Deidre

You have done such amazing things I dont know how to thank you.

Not only have the government changed their mind about about eating food above ambient temperature they have also changed their mind about static caravans.

I must admit this week in the hot weather I was really enjoying eating my honey at a nicely warm temperature after having to eat very chilled honey throughout the earlier part of May.

The news on static caravans now means we can buy a static caravan for Eyore in his gloomy place with all the money I made dancing with Ola instead of paying a tax on honey.

Deidre, tell me was it the offer of free dance lessons that did it with George Osbourne or did you have to resort to the wet celery.

What ever it was thank you so much


Winnie

[Stockingfiller]

Dear Winnie, I'm a cleaner at the office usually used by Aunt Deirdre. Everyone is looking for her...MI5, MI6 and all the detectives you've ever heard of.

We don't know if someone has got her or if she's in hiding. I have put her special tea safe so that no one nicks it while she's away.

I've just polished her desk up lovely and put some daisies in a vase. It's so sad. Maybe she's with that James Bond again or Sherlock Holmes has finally gone completely barmy and has forced her to marry him so that she has to cook him apple pie with cinnamon every day.

If anyone knows of Aunt Deirdre's whereabouts please leave a message. I have put your lovely letter to her where she'll see it when she comes in. Glad things are better for you Winnie !

Yours worriedly, Hetty Wainthrop, cleaner.

[ysbryd y ddawns]

Dear Hetty

Thank goodness I have someone on my side.

I am currently up a creek - what a mistake! That George Osborne is not what he's cracked up to be.

He's lost his paddle and we've been going around in circles for weeks!

Don't talk u-turns to me!

I seem to remember that you are not without investigative skills yourself so I'd be very grateful if you could possibly organise a rescue party. You know where I keep my little black book.

Yours, sickeningly,

Deirdre

[shefair]

Dear Deidre

Worry not I am rushing to the rescue as we speak , how can I let such a friend of SCD be in such dire need.

How lucky we are close in height, now where did I put that chainmail

Yours

Brendan super pro

[Stockingfiller]

Dear Superpro,
So glad that you're going to find Aunt Deirdre ! Whoever whisked her away left no clues apart from a gold cufflink, and a half eaten pasty.

I'm at my wits end here, looking through e mails, wastepaper baskets and coat pockets. So far, no luck.

I shall picture you on your speedy horse, your armour shining and rattling, as you disappear over the horizon towards the setting sun, to the tune of, ' Holding Out For A Hero'.

Please keep in touch with us all and let us know if you find who ever ate the other half of that pasty !

Yours gratefully, Hetty.

[Stockingfiller]

Where is Deirdre ? Have double posted sorry but on behalf of her anguished fans...Quo Vadis ? where have they got you, Aunt Deirde ?

Brendan is galloping around the New Forest in ever decreasing circles and the last we heard from Deirdre, she was up a creek and asking for a rescue party !

[shefair]

Oh my darlings such adventures I have been having!

I am sure you are all pleased to know that I am now sitting safe and sound with my slippers on my feet and a nice cup of cocoa with a dash of whisky.

That hussy Rebecca put me right in it the only thing she chose to remember was that I had a degree in telephone engineering and was godmother to Andy Coulson, as soon as they knew that I was whisked away by men in dark suits with suspicious bulges under their armpits.

The next thing I knew I had to give evidence for days and days to the Leveson enquiry, They held me in the most dingy safe house in complete isolation so I could not collude with anyone.

Then just when they had finished grilling me they realised that I had previously been a contralto with the bbc choir. They had an emergency with choir for the river pageant and asked me to sing with them.

My dears the rain! I was so wet I needed to get dry and warm a soon as possible 6 hours in that rain!

Luckily, just as I did not know where to turn, Brendan the dear man spotted me shivering and dripping on the side of the Thames. He whisked me up on his white stallion and took me off to Claridges, he was so glad he had found me as the rain had rusted his shining armour and he was running out of WD40.

Claridges were wonderful and provided me with softest warmest towels and a hot water bottle, I slept and slept and then Darling Brendan brought me home safe and sound.

My home looks so cosy now no one will persuade me to leave it for a few days and I am ready and able to take on the nation’s problems.

Thank you for all your care and concern but never fear Deidres here all is well in the world again,

[Stockingfiller]

Dear Aunt Deirdre,
So happy and relieved that you are safe ! when watching the television coverage of the Jubilee celebrations I thought I had a momentary glimpse of you !

Singing bravely amidst the downpour, your lovely voice could be heard ringing out - what a brilliant way to let everyone know that you were safe and also ensuring that you couldn't be re- nabbed for a while !

I imagine that you had sprinted through the rain after your release, knowing that under the gaze of Her Majesty, no further harm could come to you. Well done to Brendan, for whisking you to Claridges, afterwards ! So kind of him to bring you a hot water bottle although shared body heat works best apparently for bringing temperature back to normal.

Still a bit concerned that as the woman who knows so much about so many, you might be kidnapped again by anyone who wants to keep their secrets private. I suggest that you adopt a disguise and perhaps make sure that you are living temporarily somewhere no one would suspect.

All the very best - Hetty Wainthrop

[shefair]

Dear Hetty

Now listen very carefully I will say this only once,

dont let any others know but I know I can trust you to resist the worst kind of questioning, "home" is one of many hiideyholes. As you so rightly say as Deidre has so many sectrets it is not possible for her to be safe when so many people dont want the truth to come out.

Never fear only me and Bredan superpro know where she really is and he is keeping her wonderfully entertained , their rumba is a joy to behold.

Yours

Michelle of the resisitance
ps.
(I wont be able to resist Brendan if continues to wear those latin trousers much longer)

[Stockingfiller]

Dear Michelle,
Lovely to hear from you ! I always admire the way you wear your mac and beret. So French ! So elegant.
Really pleased to read that Aunt Deirde is still safe and is using some of the spare time she has whilst in hiding to perfect her tango. Brendan is indeed a gem.

I assume that the curtains are kept drawn in the room where they dance unless not overlooked. Wouldn't want anyone noticing the wonderful dancing and then telling the press. The latter would be 'round there faster than a rat up a drainpipe.

If any admirers want to send Aunt Deirdre cases of champagne I shall let you know so that we can work out a plan to deliver them to her. Perhaps boxes could be disguised as containers of something mundane ?

Please tell Aunt Deirdre that James Bond has 'phoned, asking if she'd like a long weekend in Rome. I have told him that it's unlikely as Aunt Deirdre currently has sprained her ankle due to tripping over when having a knockabout with Rafa Nadal. He had to carry her off to the nearest luxury hotel to recover. The story is true of course but I didn't tell James that it happened six months ago !
Yours carefully,
Hetty

[jiver51]

Many Thanks to all the Fabulous People who have made this thread one of the funniest things I have read for a long time, I wish I had the ability to add something but I know when I'm outclassed,

[Stockingfiller]

Thanks too from me who is also outclassed though I'm sure you're not,jiver51 !

No sign of anyone lately sadly. So in case no one posts again- thank you for all the laughs !

Dear Aunt Deirdre,
Wherever you are, I hope that you are studying dance in Mumbai for a forthcoming blockbuster, or maybe are in Granada, perfecting your flamenco. Who knows, what exotic location now has the pleasure of the company of a great lady, who has left several cases of champagne from admirers, waiting to be collected from her neighbour who kindly took them from the delivery bloke name of Wayne.

We don't know now who will light the Olympic flame but there's a rush to find a replacement for the elusive Aunt Deirdre. It surely can't have taken Brendan this long to hone her dancing skills ? I hope he's behaving himself...

No problem was too great for Aunt Deirdre to solve...except perhaps fortnightly rubbish collections. Will her tinkly laugh never be heard in Claridge's again, as she declines another cucumber sandwich with the crusts cut off ?

Wherever you are, Aunt Deirdre, if you have still got Brendan, please return him in time for the new SCD series ?
Yours gratefully,
A fan.

[ysbryd y ddawns]

My dear readers,

Isn't it obvious?

Who else could be entrusted with safeguarding the Olympic flame?

(Accompanied - as always - by a few ex-flames of mine own?)

But - never fear -
I am still here
If you need me dear(s)

Out of breath (a bit)

Your very own,

Aunt Deirdre

[Stockingfiller]

Dear Aunt Deirdre,
You might be aware that happily, I have been re employed for the next season of SCD. Only one thing is worrying me now.

I have been having nightmares about being paired with yet another idiotic partner who can't even walk in a straight line plus is totally impervious to music. I have some experience of dealing with such partners but this time I'm waking up in a cold sweat at the very thought.

I have heard whispers Aunt Deirdre that this year, I will be having to fling about yet another madwoman and that one of the songs will be Fleetwood Mac's ' Albatross'. This does not bode well especially if I'm to be dressed up as a sailor with said madwoman clad in feathers not to mention having buckets of water chucked over us.

Should I grin and bear it again, take the money and run, or should I feign some stomach upset caused by perhaps some dodgy curried prawns ?
Yours with a fixed grin and glassy eyes,
You know who. ( 6ft and good at ballroom).

[soulmate61]

Dear Mr Anonymous,

My former Editor-in-Chief rang me this afternoon to wonder aloud what life would be like in Holloway Prison without her husband and her luxurious home. I said some enterprising and distinguished persons have also been there and survived, like Lord Archer, Jonathan Aitken, and Lester Piggott. This cheered her up a little, then she digressed into Royal Ascot fashion on Ladies Day.....

Apart from the prospect of prison, love and sex, ageing and health, money and jobs are recurring themes in my agony postbag. You are unhappy to be typecast in a role with no prospect of glittering prize, no reason to try. No doubt your middle-aged lady celebs sensed your capitulation and saw no reason to try either. Carrying mileage and a spare tyre, older partners may be better off dancing slower, simpler routines than trying to match leaping young women.

There is no reason though, to be any less graceful and attractive as soon as they live the dance. I could watch a world champion all day executing simple basic steps with classic purity and economy of movement, unburdened by excess frills often used as camouflage for emptiness.

Dear Mr Anonymous, may I call you Mr A? Or even for convenience by the attractive name of Dear Anton? On her journey of discovery your partner would be inspired if you keep her company, by discovering the true fundamentals of latin for yourself.

Into my own dancing I have brought experiment and freshness by practicing in barefoot (showing off the body better in hard and soft, light and shade). I also dance with eyes closed for better body memory. As part of learning fundamentals I am also looking for latin tracks with just the rhythm section, so that the body is not distracted by the ear following a melody or vocalist. Rehearsing in front of my living room mirror my shoulders have improved. Jerkiness has given way to moments of softness. When rough edges fall away, then it is a woman subtly communicating that the audience see, and it is amazing how their eyes light up.

Yours going back to Cha Cha Cha,
Deirdre

[Stockingfiller]

Dear Aunt Deirdre,
I can only dream of your wonderful barefoot Latin dancing. As for dancing with closed eyes, I can tell you that often, I have wished that I could do so, live on television, so that I wouldn't have to witness a witless partner throwing herself in entirely the wrong direction plus executing steps that have nothing whatsoever to do with dancing but remind one of an unfortunate prawn, on a barbecue.

I shall pretend that you and I Aunt Deirdre are on a wonderful beach at sunset,, dancing to a Latin rhythm, barefoot and carefree. That might help me when I am hauling some so called celeb around to the tune of, ' Wild Thing'.

To close, several friends of mine who wish to remain anonymous, are also rather worried about next season. Should one, continue to incorporate ballet into his choreography for the salsa ? Should another use five lifts, in the tango ? Should the girls wear false eyelashes so huge that they can't see where they are going ?

It's necessary to stand out to get votes but we're not sure how far we should go. Most of us favour keeping some elements of dance in our performances but a few are thinking of just going out there and giving the execs what they want.

Brendan is keen to begin a Viennese waltz by riding onto the dancefloor on a huge white horse. We have told him that none of us are willing to slide around in horse muck afterwards.

I cannot say what JJ has planned but you can be sure that if the routine is broadcast, the BBC will probably be shut down.

If you have any expertise in yoga Aunt Deirdre or any other means of calming us all, we would be very grateful. We have tried herbal teas, to no effect.
Yours desperately,
Anton of the House of Du Maurier

[ysbryd y ddawns]

My dear Zdeirdre

It hav cum two my no-ledge zat you haz been most cind to Winnie ze poo in ze past.

I vould vish youze too no zat zere are meny ozer animals who vish to hav ze same operatuniteez.

Sergei – four one – needz two stop being ze Meatiouright Meerkat befour e iz an x merecat.

But hez not ze ownly won. Ve haz a hole troop of ze animalz a vanting to hav ze go at SCD, preferably wiz ze litel Ola.

Firstily we hav ze Bambi. An zen a lot of ze wombles. Alsoly Kermit and many of ze ozzer muppetz. Notz two menzion Roland ze Rat oo iz eger to cum out of ze retyrement.

And lastily but mozt zertainily not ze leastily we haz no lezz zan Paddington ze Bear. He iz most unhappily az hiz version of Zinging in ze Rain haz always been much superior to zat of a certain Auzzie. He really feelz hiz time haz cum. Seem-pels!

Yourz, mozt greshush lade,

Aleksandr Orlov
Count of Meerkovo

P. Z. Хотя я могу танцевать с другим, я буду мечтать о танце с Вами.

[Stockingfiller]

Dear Count Orlov,
Thank you for your letter. We are very interested in your suggestions and we think that we can offer places to all the creatures mentioned in your letter !

The nation loves, meerkats so three of our pro dancers will be available as partners...two females and one male. Frankly, the meercats can choose,whom they want to dance with !

We are happy to accomodate Bambi although choreographing for six legs might prove rather difficult.
As for the cast of Sesame Street..Kermit, Miss Piggy, Animal and the Swedish chef are of course just the sort of contestants that make our mouths water and out hearts beat a little faster !

Winnie the Pooh is also most welcome but 'Singing In The rain' has already been performed quite often so perhaps he would consider ' Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head', with a bicycle included of course. I hope that Mr Pooh can ride a bicycle ?

We've noticed that all the creatures you mentioned aren't dangerous. We think that some extra tension in SCD would up the viewing figures so if you have any contacts who consider humans to be potential dinners, we have several dancers we're quite keen to be rid of by 2013 so do please fee free to send them along to the pre series buffet at the Neasden Municipal Hall. ( There'll be a raffle and the first drink, a delicious home - brewed glass of dandelion mock- Chablis, will be free.)
Yours gratefully,
The producers

[shefair]

Dear producers,

as Count Orlovs manager you now need to address all future correspondence through me.

He feels unwilling to introduce any dangerous animals into the strictly family as meerkats are notoriously delicious. However he does have several ex KGB assassins amongst his many fans and would be willing to introduce them to you for a suitable fee.

yours

Mrs C Middleton

(also available for party planning and with a nice line in hats for hire )

[Stockingfiller]

Dear Mrs C Middleton,
Firstly, we'd like to say how honoured we are to receive your letter. Count Orlov and his dancing creatures are secondary to the coup we feel we could pull off here !

If any member of your esteemed family or indeed any of the in- laws would consider being contestants on SCD, we would pull out all the stops to ensure that they were treated er...like royalty ! In fact, all of them are welcome except the female with red hair and the Australian ex hairdresser.
You could of course provide all the catering eg lettuce leaves for the female pros plus a little clear soup not to mention props.( We will fork out for Coronation chicken and Eton mess if necessary).

We'd need a mock up of Windsor Castle, several of those snazzy golden cart things, some cardboard crowns, several suits of armour, some plastic corgis and lots of balloons with the Union Jack on. You know the sort of thing.

We have places for older persons, younger persons, camp person, comedy person etc. It's obvious who fits each category !

In this Jubilee year, what could be more fitting than to see our beloved chief family and in laws, cavorting tastefully, with our excellent pro dancers ?
Yours frothing at the mouth,
The producers.

[shefair]

Dear producers,

I have had no joy booking any of the family firm so far but wondered if you might be interested in some of my other relatives, for example I need to keep Pippa better occupied , I really ca think what she was thinking dating that gun toting fool in Paris

she has no problems showing off in scanty costumes so would fit right in with SCD.

Another one of my relatives already has a career as a dancer albeit an exotic dancer I am sure I could secure her services very reasonably

I wonder if you could ask your good friend Deidre if she could suggest any means of keeping Pippa away from the gun toting boyfriend ?

I had such hopes for her as there are a few eligible princes still unwed but she seems to prefer a boyfriend with a dangerous edge

yours

Carole

[Stockingfiller]

Dear Carole,
Look no further ! Just send Pippa along to SCD and we assure you that she will no longer hit the headlines ! At least...not for the wrong reasons !

We have plenty of male pro dancers who will teach your daughter discipline and you can be sure that with most of them, there'll be no hanky panky.

While we're on the subject of costumes ie hanky size garments, we feel confident that the famous rear will be well displayed in our luxury spangled stretch fabrics available in a wide assortment of colours including fifty shades of grey, incidentally.

Possibly, the famous bridesmaid's dress can be recreated with the addition of some purple ostrich feathers, plenty of green holographic sequins and we might add a light riding crop as a prop. Hard to resist that sort of couture, eh ?

If you would be so kind as to list the qualities you would prefer in your daughter's partner, it would help us to choose the best option.

We have a wide assortment eg ' Handsome, quite new but rather schtum and mysterious', ' Balletic, athletic and er..catarthic', ' Married, bonkers but excellent teacher', ' Tall ex bad boy popular down under', ' Distinguished not yet extinguished ballroom expert' and ' Short but relentlessly romantic'.

Yours enthusiastically,
The producers

[shefair]

Dear Deidre

Well this is the final straw , exactly how are we to fill this years line up with washed up singers and little known soapstars when we have 26 yes 26 gold medal Olympians to chose from, not to mention all the silver and bronze medallist as well, and still another day to go?

We are really put out , Britain on Gold medal form , honestly you would think it was the 1912 not 2012.

As well, there are all the numerous sports presenter who have become really quite familiar faces


Deidre you have to help us choose!!!

Yours the SCD Producers