SAMANTHA, JODIE AND JESSIE ARE IN MAKE-UP. RACHEL POPS IN...

RT: "Good luck girls!! You'll all be brilliant!!!."

DROPS LAXATIVE IN JESSIE'S DIET COKE

OUTSIDE IN THE CORRIDOR ALW IS ADJUSTING HIS TROUSERS

Security: Can I help you, Mr Webber?

ALW: No, no. Just, er, checking something.

IN THE STUDIO, THE AUDIENCE ARE GATHERING. JEREMY PAXMAN IS SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW WEARING A WIG AND SUNGLASSES.

BBC Gopher: "Can I get you anything, Mr Paxman?"

JP: "What? My name is Jeremy Vine. Look here - piss off!!"

ALW SIDLES INTO THE STUDIO, SLIDES ONTO HIS THRONE...

(THINKING) "This series has been a disaster. It's going to be a long time for my public image to recover. In nine months time, I'll be fine. Well, maybe not so fine. But I'll survive anyhow."

IN THE SOUND ROOM, SECURITY HEARS NOISES INSIDE A BROOM CUPBOARD.

OPENS IT..

CM: "....and that's, er, how you amortise production costs."

GN: "U-u-u".

Security: "Beg pardon"

IN THE CORRIDOR, GARETH IS SMOKING A CIGARETTE AND READING THE PAPER.

GN COMES OUT OF THE SOUND ROOM.

GN: "Ooh, have you got a spare ciggie Gar?"

Gareth: "Get lost."

CM COMES OUT OF THE SOUND ROOM

CM: "Yes, young man? And do I...have the honour of your acquaintance?"

Gareth: "It's me, Gareth."

CM: "Oh, hi Gareth, nice to see you. And how, er [nervous giggle] was this weeks' task?"

Gareth: "Lovely workmanship, ain't it?"

HANDS AN EMPTY VIAL TO CM.

19:02

THE CONTESTANTS' DRESSING ROOM IS CLEARED....
EACH GIRL IS ALONE WITH HER THOUGHTS.....
JODIE IS PRACTISING HER LYRICS; "Agadoo, doo, doo, push pineapple..."
SAMANTHA IS REBOOTING.
JESSIE IS SMOKING HER PIPE.

1909:

Backstage gopher: "Five minutes, ladies!!"

19:12:

CM WALKS INTO THE STUDIO. JEREMY PAXMAN STARTS WHOOPING AND CLAPPING LIKE PAULA ABDUL AFTER A BOTTLE OF ABSINTHE

19:13:

ALW: (muttering) "Good luck Cammie.."

CM (shaking his head): "I'll be doing punch and judy in Blackpool this time next year."

19:14:

Lights, camera, action

Opening theme...

GN: "Welcome, welcome!! To the final of I'd Do Anything!!!! Yes, it really is the final. Our Nancies are ready..... Our Lord is leaping all over the place..... Our panel is ready to go....except John Barrowman, who's off sick with polonium poisoning. We've replaced him with Jessie's youngest sister, Sinead!!"

BH: "Welcome, Sinead!!"

GN: "Remember, you must wait until Sinead's sixteen, Barry, otherwise [sad face]...you may be charged"

BH: "True enough, possum".

[PRODUCER: "Code word possum, repeat code word possum. Jodie's pre-show polling is in. Shut down Sizewell B".

CM: (laughing to himself): "Always have a plan B. We'll reconstruct the result through a jury vote. Little do they suspect that Samantha's full name is Barksarevich. Release the Latvian jury!!!"

A package arrives at the side of ALW's throne. Stagehand whispers, "This is for you, Lord Webber".

ALW opens the package. It's Kevin Spacey's severed head.

ALW into wrist mic: "Good work, Kwayedza. Tell Gwion we're a go on the Zoe Tyler hit"

BACKSTAGE PARTY, 22:15 Saturday night

ALW: "We're delighted that you won. You're going to be marvellous!"

CM: "I couldn't agree more. You were just terrific tonight. Are any of the Olivers still around? Ah, Laurence my old chum!" (whispers) "code red! code red!"

Brilliant brilliant brilliant.

This stuff is gold!

love it

Much better..........I think you could be the stage manager........lol

****in' cheek!

Loved it. Especially the introduction of the 'Sinead' character and Barry's reaction.

Kwayedza and Gwion as hit men. Aw

Hahah, awesome.

I wonder if ALW actually does think in Evita quotes....

well your last one wasnt as good.....this one is better

Right! I'm on strike again.

I'll be back for "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Stigmata"

A long lost friend used to write pretty much like this, would make up plays involving all us work colleagues and I never ever stopped laughing at his creations. I have not stopped laughing at yours either. Please take this as a compliment but you'd sell as many if not more books than my favourite Terry Pratchett with your terrific sense of comedy observations.

Haha, amazing

Can I request one about the wrap party after the result and end of the show tomorrow night?
I feel there are plenty of avenues for comic genius to be explored.

BUMP

This is too good to be drifting into page 2. Keep it up!

Totally brilliant stuff!

Faaaabulous, darling!!!
Cheered me up no end. The 'in' jokes etc. so funny. Whatever it is you do, you're wasted (unless you are a scriptwriter, of course!)

This made me lol insanley.

Glad to see you back again, don't go away again! Loving your work and as above would really love one about the wrap up party. Cheers

That was great. Loved the Evita quote and the Olivers as assassins!

LOL, love it! Especially the Olivers! And Jodie's song- Haha!

Oh god I hope they call it that. Love the Jodie song choie (she COULD nail it though!), and Jeremy Paxman like Paula Abdul on absinthe!

Lol, just read it again, and the image of Jessie just nonchantly smoking a pipe is really quite amusing.

Especially if Jodie wins.

Thank you for your nice comments. Verily appreciated

I am not sure there is anything left to do on this show.

Well, I gave up the day job a while ago, and when my trading career gives me the requisite dosh, I will turn to what I have always wanted to do, which is write screenplays.

So maybe you will see me again - on the silver screen.

See you at the theatre! I'll be there a few days after it opens.

Cheers!

O&U