I am off to bed now. (Probably there will be my 4 cats having commandeered the pillows and duvet, and I will be perched on the edge, then my big one will plonk himself right where I want to rest my book), my dog will just snuggle beside me and have a crafty lick at the big one.

Ping, I do hope you can encourage the cats elsewhere, and can claim your patio back. I do want to help, and will be happy to if you have any more questions. I know how stubborn they are. Night night, sleep tight.

AAh.

My big one (He is actually huge) he taps me on the leg for a chat and says "miaa aaa aaaw" and I say come on then, and he jumps on my lap. Then he shoves his face to mine and squeeks, and claws at my jumper, because he wants to go up it. I can understand his language, its amazing how he communicates. They are very funny.

What I hate most (well fear is the best word) is what I call a steam train. It is where one cat comes hurtling into the room at full speed and runs up and over my lap, followed by the other 3, that is so scarey. Even the dog closes her eyes hoping they wont run over her.

Lol... sounds like proper bedlam that!! I have one that thunders through the cat flap at times. Leaves it swinging on it's hinges he does. I wouldn't mind, but he's 16 and in no fit state really to go charging about like that. But will be listen, will he buggery! Bless him.

We don't have a catflap, but one of mine has developed a fun game with the door. He sits at the bottom of the garden, waits until we see him when at the patio door, then hurtles down the garden and through the door we've hurriedly opened to stop him bashing his brains out, then proceeds to sit and stare at us with an amused look on his face. I think it's a cat version of Chicken.

Thats my point- if the cats were so superior you wouldnt need to ask their owners! They are cats, not humans and for that simple fact humans ARE superior.

Edit: Thanks for your other advice. I am going to phone the council to see what they suggest.

Humans are superior because cats don't speak English?

You are using criteria that is only important to humans in order to justify your superiority complex.

It is NOT fact that humans are superior to cats. You are assuming that doing maths and reading books would be important to a cat.

Well, a cat:

Can run faster than you
Can jump higher than you
Has better hearing than you
Has faster reflexes than you
Has better balance than you
Can see in the dark
Has a better sense of smell
and so on....

The cat is one of the finest hunting machines in nature.

All this supposed 'human supremacy through evolution' looks a bit pathetic when you consider that the fastest man in the world can't run as fast as the average domestic moggie.

And a cat can go out on their own and be toilet trained at a couple of months old and humans...

No. Humans are superior because cats are simply animals.

Oh for goodness sake. I dont have a superiority complex. Are you trying to tell me that cats are more important than humans from a "cat perspective"? I dont think I have heard anything as funny as that in my life. humans are supreme to cats whatever way you look at it. The only conclusion is that your post is a wind up

Ummm, it may shock you to learn that humans are animals too. As opposed to some higher being like you seem to believe.

Yes, you do have a superiority complex.

And no, I don't mean from a cats perspective. I mean from an objective perspective. As in whether or not humans are superior to other animals depends on what criteria you use.

You choose to use things like 'reasoning and science' - that is subjective and biased criteria only important to the way humans have evolved.

If you were to use say "physical agility" or "natural hunting ability" then I would think you will find that the cat is FAR superior to humans.

Surely you can step outside your arrogance bubble to understand the concept?

These particular critters seem to be the superior ones here, they have put one over on you! Crapping on your patio at will, eating your waste food, they are having a great time. Something else, cats seem to have a 6th sense for non cat people, and do often try and wind them up. Chuck water whenever you see them, hose down the patio to get rid of their territorial smells, how about a gardening book or website, see if they are some non cat friendly plants to grow in pots? You can get cat repellant in pet shops, spray it round the fence, on the dustbins etc. Try a bit of all the suggestions that don't cost a fortune, they may just get the message. As you may have noticed, they are not completely stupid.

The scenario is, that you're an orphan. You can choose a family of human beings to look after you or a family of cats.

Who you gonna choose?

Please give reasons for your answer.

I'm sorry, each to their own and all that, but how can you live like that? Animals on the pillows...how can you lay your head where a cat's arse has been?

Tell you what, you step outside your rude bubble and I will have rational discussion with you. Rational starting from the point that on every single level that we are superior to cats.

The last statement is not quite true is it. We have lots of obvious advantages, but it's not on every level. Most humans have lost the ability to survive in the wild, most cats have not. Could you live by eating from a dustbin and crapping on a patio, summer and winter? You'd be dead in a month, if that. They are fast, tough and resourceful creatures. You will have to use your brain to outwit them.

Because we have become so advanced as not to have to live "in the wild". When Cats start building houses, driving cars and shopping at ASDA then I might consider them being seen as being of equal superiority to humans but until then its not going to happen.

Hopefully you are right. I've lived 'wild' for 3-5 months at a time, and even with modern kit it's hard. Plenty of factors that, if run out of control, would see us back to real wild. The cats will be fine, we will not.

cats would not be fine- no one to feed them and no buckets to rake in.

Cats would catch some mice and other little woodland creatures with tails. They don't have to rake in buckets, they only do that to annoy you

To the OP - There is nothing you can do other than trying to find some sort of repellant. I totally agree with you that it is absolutley ridiculous that anyone should have to go to extreme measures to deal with someone elses pet but there you go!

I have a neighbour with 10+ cats who all use my back yard as ther toilet. I called the RSPCA the other day who are sending someone out but only cos there have been loads of diahorea style poos for over a month and the cats have sticky eyes. Otherwise, they said they wouldn't send anyone out.

It is absolutly disgusting that I have to put up with shit in my yard because someone can't be bothered to look after their pet properly but there is nothing that I can do.

I have tried all the stupid 'solution' and none of them work. My husband is actually in the back yard now (have just heard him muttering 'for f**ks sake!) scrapping up sloppy cat shit.

Cat owners should be more aware of where there cats go the toilet. It really gets me down that I have to deal with it. My back yard stinks, there are flys everywhere and when the baby gets here, it's bedroom window looks out on this beautiful view!

a quick kick up the arse with a steel toe cap boot may work, failing that, lure them to you an wring there bleeding necks, i hate cats.

Last 3 words unnecessary.

Sorry to hear that. It sounds like a nightmare. Was chatting to my mate today and he has a similar problem when he stays. Thankfully I am one floor up with no access other than the inside stairs but in his house he has outside stairs leading up to his kitchen door. He left the door open briefly as he had been cooking a chicken. He went to the livingroom to see that his kid was ok and came back to find that cat had come in the door and was licking his chicken. I dont think the cat touched the stairs on its free lift out the door. They are bloody pests. I hope the RSPCA can help.

Must admit I'd probably drop kick a strange cat for licking my dinner too. Mine are not allowed on the worktop.