Rat three: am I the designated driver then? Ok I'll put the kettle on!

Har Harrr!!! Tis the Stores Shipmate Twinkle Toes!!!
Ha harr!!
Rat 1: Half a sugar, and two Garys please Twinks!!

Ha Harr!!
The whole crew of The Joly Mes unite as they once more sail into calmer waters, and also as one wonder where the hell Grim is with the kettle!!...
So set sail for Boston, we be goin to av a Tea Party no less ha harrrr!!

I thought twinkle was putting the kettle on.

She was but neither of us could find it. We wondered if when you threw Camoron overboard you'd tied his hands with the kettle flex - which had the kettle on the other end of it!!
Still got biscuits though. Fancy a Hobnob?

Well I must confess I have the kettle here, I'm very protective of my kettle!

Biscuit would be nice, got any pringles too?

Pringles, yes, the plain ones and also cheesy puffs.
Twinkle makes great tea too and will probably exchange great kettle-related daring-dos with you!
LOL I just realised, you chuck Camoron overboard tied up with the kettle flex and kettle - and the kettle gets rescued!! LOL!!

Why of course the kettle gets rescued, no contest really!
We might as well have something on board that's useful.

LMAO!!
Och!!

Let's have a cheer for the sound crew .. and for the unsinkable Joly Mes..

Hip hip hurrah!!

Having a merry dance around my pc

Mind you don't trip over the cables tamara.

Ha Harr..no one can scuttle the Jolly Mes, tis full o' fine folk methinks ha harr!

And so the Jolly Mes charts a path towards the sanctuary of calmer waters, the crew are so happy they almost feel like untying Iain from the mast but on they sailed, past Tierra Del Fuego where the flames once more where endured and happily negotiated until the calm of the Pacific (I like verbosity) settled like a settling thing upon the crew of the Mes.
"Splice the Earl Grey Grim, and rouse that lazy sea-doggess Twinkle, lets get a-mashin' afore long, I has the throat of the inside of a tram-driver's glove no less!"
Suddenly, without warning either, and completely by surprise too, a hapless and porcine figure appears above the gunwales and at the edge of the ship as well.
"Permission to crawl aboard Captain, och!"
"No!" The Captain stamps on his fingers, not his own, Camoron's, and the wretched wretch of wretchedness slithers back into the sea! The crew all surge to port and watch the dolphins, sharks, whales and several displaced haddock redouble their efforts to swim away and avoid the tidal wave.
Unfortunately, all the crew to port makes the Mes list perilously and only Captain Tickle from "The Controversial" can help....but where is he???

cap'n tickle looked up from his labours,all day he had been toiling at the gleaming copper solar and seaweed powered still that evil cap'n skaz had forced him to invent(at rolled up "heat" magazine-point) , and cursed... the jolly mes was listing heavily to port and he could see the solution, but cap'n skaz was forcing tickle to brew dangerously alcoholic crab cider on his dessert island (yes, you read that right, he was in custard-y )
a massive pause followed, as cap'n tickle contemplated his escape...his only purpose, to rescue the hapless "jolly mes" and to patent the solar seaweed, coconut, crab and banana hair conditioner byproduct of cap'n skaz' evil distilling process...
one more "massive pause" saw cap'n skaz semi conscious on crab cider, and the tickle sprang into action...
"escape" he cried

..but the evil brew was too strong, much stronger than that Camoron stout, (ahem likened unto gnat’s it were!!) and the crew had already partaken of a lengthy session and they all ran as one to Starboard, apart from Grim who couldn’t remember whether that was left or right if you look at the pointy end, and lo, now the Mes was in danger of keeling over to Starbucks (well, we’ve done starBOARD, and this one involves coffee, should Grim’s ageing kettle fail us!) ...could the magnificent Tickle avert maritime mayhem once more???????........

Captain Tickle surveys the Forum Sea, and sighs.
“More locks than the Manchester shipping canal, oh dear!”
Yes, more lockups than a whole week of Eastenders, more arrested threads than a years knitting at the WI, where would it end?
Turning his rheostat to “stun” on his trusty toaster, the intrepid inventor whips out the eye-glass and surveys the horizon, which, given the whole crew (apart ftrom Grim) was on the starboard bow (had to, just had to, “Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow” - dc al coda amounted to staring at a large chunk of ocean and drastic measures were required..
“Sea person Ligger Justine - hove to!”
The svelte and charming “non-adipose-attended one whatsoever” despite a bottom that could almost be misconstrued as the solar system’s 10th planet swiftly joins the Captain. Not that the Captain was falling apart I might say but crap jokes aside goes thus:
“Justine, get thee o’er to Port ha harr and right this ‘ere tub, me dear, we canna put the Orkney lad there, ee bee wrestlin still wi’ Grim’s kettle lead ha harr..!”
Sea person Ligger Justine hefts her size 8’s (shoes) and saunters over to port, the ship is immediately righted, the crew cheer, the kettle boils, Captain Tickle strides atop the forecastle, and commanding the scene, lifts a hand bell, realises the clapper is missing, grabs his parrot instead and yanks a squawk out of it! “Pieces of eight!” The Tickle considers exchanging the not very original parrot for a Norwegian Blue, next time he’s in Bolton that is.
“So, the Mes is righted, the Sham’s walked the plank, the tea’s brewed, we just need someone to make the toast!”
With that, the Boatswain Whittle suddenly emerges from the bowels of the boat (not a metaphor anyone was proud of) and staring wild eyed and Eel-pie islanded intones, “Ere, sam geeza’s ran orft wiv da bladdy toasta....!”......

'Not just the toaster', cried Grim 'someones made orf with me kettle!!! Ere, is someone boiling their smalls in it?? Or, (heaven forfend) their larges!!!'

Just then a scaly green dismembered hand appeared over the starboard rail. 'T'is the curse of Cardiff 'pon us' screamed Stefan the cabin boy (who was really Steph, cunningly disguised as girl, disguised as a boy). 'What are you talking about Jimmy?' Scowled Maisy from under the tar barrel. 'It's Lisa' cried Stefan, 'come to kill us all with two fingers!

Maisy unstrapped the skate from the mast and battered the fingers, chucked them in the pan and buttered some bread.
'Calm down Jimmy, if we can't have toast we'll make do with sarnies' . 'I'm becalmed' said Stefan, 'but why do you keep calling me Jimmy?'
'You're a little Crankie' replied Maisy. 'I know I am' said Stefan, 'Cos you keep calling me Jimmy FFS!'

And so as mayhem returned to the fore deck, the ships cat slinked off with the skate toward the poop deck, where Iain was languishing with..........................

..his treasured micrometer. He was busy measuring the mirth to tea-bag ratio of Twinkle's Crankie joke and had collared Grim in the grim business.
"Ha harr," he was always one to keep in the spirit of things, "tis worthy of two Earl Greys and one sniff of a Typhoo pyramid methinks!"
Twinkle surveyed the scene. A Crankie, a Skate, and Iain and Grim - did it really take this many to make the tea?
But from afar a voice of terribleness assailed the Mes Mashers as The Goodship Endemall hoved to, sporting as it did the Jolly Rogered with one large eye...

Think our ship is in trouble maisy, lots of folks are jumping overboard. Dunno what to do apart from start a 'keelhaul a forum member' thread.

Grim 'tis the antidote in these here waters no less, where the most heated thing is the kettle, no less, ha harrr!! The seas have been rough of late tis true but The Jolly Mes' pulled through, due in no small part to many cups o' tea and the ship's biscuits!! Once more we set sail towards all manner of BB related intrigue, be it BB1 or BB5, we embrace it all with relish, with the possible exception of Seaman Camoron, who, it has been felt, is as popular as a rattle snake in a lucky dip or, more in keeping perhaps, as a weevil in a ship's biscuit!
Close by, The Endemall quitely hung a ship's length behind the Mes, wondering if it could have a free tow to S Africa...

..but was once more blown off course back to troubled waters. But what good hart might put a surcease upon this new torrent of strange Tolkienesque beasties whose quest sought to only lengthen the shadows and whose tidings sought only to darken the once quiescent FOURum FARTHINGS?
...
But we waits, we does, in the dark, my precious, as more of the remaining few are scattered abroad, maybes never to return no less, yet.......here’s the char lady!!

OI Twinkle!! Over here! I AM gagging!!

*grins broadly* look I've got a brand new kettle for the forum!

*points proudly at said kettle*

I'm waiting for my pizza to come next so who's in charge of food.

That be Ship's Galley Slave, Gos, ha harr!!
Then again, let's order a Pizza Hut takeaway, not a dominoes, I like my pizzas in colour!

Arrr........HARRRRRR.....Excuse I me comrades in arms...I've a seaman's chesty cough, me brass monkeys have shed their balls it's that cold.........Should we not be a orderin' some chicken from a well known chicken outlet.....to be feedin' Gos...arrrr....so we should....Aye...

Ahem...can I be in charge of the food please?....
I got the Gary's...we can wait in the smuggling caves 'til the pirates have gone out with the tide!.....I have blown out the candle in the lighthouse (burnt me lips I did!), let's see 'em get past the rocks now.

Anyone for a game of deck quoits???

CAPTAIN ABOARD!!
Stand easy!!
And so the Captain takes his rightful place, especially when it comes to fast food outlets, and soon the crew were tucking into all manner of Southern Fried rodents, bats wings and god knows what, but a step up from the ship's biscuits (Grim, tap the weevils out next time please!!) and soon a *twinkle* was back in the eye of all the crew as they once more set sail upon the Jolly Mes'.......