...and lo soon the ship's char woman and gary expert brought the deck quoits - this was to be SOME voyage..ha harr...

Aye me hearties....be eating yer weavels as well, I'll have no scurvey on me vessal...I'm fresh back from scoutin' the land...it's naught but net nannies an' trolls as far as the eye can see (unpatched side arrrrr harrrr)...It's the pirate life only for me from now on.......... arrrrrrrr

Ah tis all I could expect of 'ee...
Now, where be the complimentary tissues and wet ones I's associates wi' me ship's Southern Fries no less??

LOL! I see n'more glowe-eyed beasts Cap'n, they be as subtle as a barrel o' monkeys in a very neon-like flourescent pink and vibrant mauve barrel methinks...tis the "in-colours" at "Press Gangs R Us" so I beleive this Autumn...

Arrrr.....no wipes wipes tizz they......there be naught but chicken gravey and those chewy lemon cakes......which tasted of antiseptic and lemon....so they did....arrrrrrr.

Trolls hold no fear here...we have a billy goat (or it might be a nanny, I tried looking and it took against me and butted me serverely! I must have cold hands)

Anyways trolls can only troll if you answer them, ignore them and they self implode. They are inflated with their own importance, so make them unimportant and watch them self destruct!

Now did someone say they had a new kettle.... I am drawn to shiny things, specially if the whistle (stopping now before i incriminate myself further )

Ha harr!! So! The mad piping be thee Twinky?
Nay mind the lemming cakes and whistly bits, steer a wide berth a tehm hot apple pies - ha harr- they be Napalm rolls and can take the tongue off an old Dr Marten's boot...as Twinkle knows only too well.... Cap'n Mes' ..watch her!!...

Arrrrr well...sez I.....trolls is as trolls does..an they swim no better than a governers daughter in all her finery, corset and embroidered gown....I 'ave me expections when grumpy old bristly Cap'n Mes gets mistaken fer one......

Yes! you came back Mesostim, good to see you.

I am not a lover of apples ...not to eat anyways...now the drinking of them, that's a better proposal. A flaggon of scrumpy (or two if you insist) is a fair way to line your tongue afore ye burns it with hot fruit pies! I'd rather have a corny pasty meself though!

Why thank yoy Grim...arrr harrr...It's takes more than a Kangaroo court to hang Cap'n Mes....

SCRUMPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Give! now!

And so the crew rejoice in the return of the Good Captain Mes, and broke out the crate of White Lightening - well, no pint MESsing about eh...........?

*Note to Grim and Twinks*:
When I start talking sense put me t'bed please afore ye go ha harrrrrr..!!

would anyone like me to take charge of the cider rations?

i'm only asking because i'd be really really good at sharing it out an' all...


please?

a- harr?

Up in the crows nest Roger the Cabinboy trains his telescope on the shore, where he spies the rugged coastline of Leeds, Bradford and then the Cider Works of Idle...
"Land ahoy Cap'n! Tis the Legendary Land of the White Lightening, go tell First Mate Skazza!"
The Captain casts an eye on the first mate, as it was a glass one nothing appeared, so he cast the other one but as that was covered with a patch he was getting nowhere
"I be gettin' nowhere, where are ye ye scrumpy-toting varnmint" lapsing as he might into west country and a bit of Yosemite Sam simultaneuosly.
"AYe Aye Cap'n" Skazza peers at the Captain, who is facing away from him.
"Er, Captain, behind you!"
"Ha Har Tis panto season now be it?" growls the Captain
"Captain, put your patch over the glass eye. No. YOUR glass eye. Yes, that's it".
"I know I know," tuts the Captain,"just seeing if you were payin attention..."
By now the crew are getting restless, awaiting their cider rations (rum was off the menu for some inexplicable reason but any port in a storm eh?). Hang on, that's rum cider and now PORT!
Ahem.
"Number One, steer us ashore, to Idle we be a goin ha harrrrrrr!"

"Belay that order Number 1!!"
"Why Captain?"
"They be takin' orrf the Muppets in Idle right now, it be a silly place, no less ha harrr!!"
"Captain, I am not happy being called Number One, it smacks of, well, ablutions Captain!"
"Ha harr.! Be thankful ee not Number Two then, now set a course for the Orkney Isle, we has a score to settle we does ha harrrr!"
The Jolly Mes' crew hoist all the sails and switch the outboard motors on as well, no point making hard work of it.
"Now. Some entertainment while we sail to godforesaken island! Ships Jester Jonny! On Deck!"
The already stripe -shirted funny man (his words) hops right up to Captain
"I 'ope ee not be takin the pi..er, mickey out o' me wood'n leg be ee?"
"Why aye Captain, nur like, I wuz just doin me one leg dance like man."
With that, the ship's aldiss lamp reader, Kate, hops up to Jester Jonny whereby they perform the one-legged dance before the sceptical Captain.

(---sound of tumbleweed rolling across vacuous desert ---)

BLAM! Captain Mes blows the end of his pistol (there's a thing!)
"Ha harr! Two birds with one stone, no less! Keelhaul them!!"

Soon the Jolly Mes approached the shores of Orkney where Roger the Cabin Boy spies a rather repellant two-faced figure leaping up and down waving flags..
"Captain, it's some sort of message from an Islander, my word, it must be Ship's Rat Camoron, the blighter swam to his island!"

"Ha Harr! What be ee sayin' then?"

"He's saying "Go away and seek sanctuary elsewhere" Captain."

"Ha harr. 'as we enough flags to send back "**** Off you bigot!" ?

"Aye aye Cap'n!"

Arrr !!

Just then the doors from below deck cranked open and out stepped Ship's Trollop Tania De Nascimento ( arr, she were captured off Hispaniola, arr )

She stepped out in her see-through shirt, see-through britches, see-through socks, see-through bandana............

Believe me or belive me not, me hearties, she even had a see-through eye-patch !!

Bosun Ray's timber wasn't the only one a-shiverin'

Even Cabin Boy Steph had a sneaky look, arr he be a young rascal.............

Cabin Boy Steph: "Captain! Is that a giant matchstick just appeared on deck??!"

Captain Mes: "Avast there young Crankie me lad, er lass! No, tis not a vesta, tis that Ship's Slapper Tania - it be the seven stone of blusher up top and the rake like torso below what makes 'ee be gettin confused! Either that or Bryant and May have got real manufacturing problems again..."

Arr..now why I'm here...that I be..arrrrr....On the subject of the Cameroon....I'd like to remind 'ee all quite how much Cap'n Mes 'ates him....arrr....

A lot........arrrr.

let's just put cameron in the hold with all the asylum seekers.

..or abandon them on an Island like Camoron says, maybees...Orkney?

Och no what would jesus do?

He'd have banished Camoron and made sure Jon was allowed to win BB4, Grim!

suddenly, the ship's crew was stricken by a blinding light to port...
a vision in the clouds, hands raised in supplication...
the glowing countenance of the lord shone down upon the curiously becalmed "jolly mes".

"AHEM"...
said jesus (for it is he)
jesus consulted a little book, with "things to do today" written on the front....
"OH YES..."
said the lord...
"THERE IS ONE OF MY LAMBS ABOARD THIS GOD- FORSAKEN VESSEL...
BRING HIM BEFORE ME, LEST I SMITE YOU FROM THE SEA..."
to a man, the crew hastily dragged the by now smug looking cameron from the rat infested brig...
"it is i, lord..."
he spoke with confidence, and, although i've mentioned it before, not a little smugness...

"ARE YOU THE CHRISTIAN...THE ONE THEY CALL STOUT?"

said jesus

"i am, lord...i am your faithful servant, i speak out against gay people, and women, and i stop people having fun, and everything...like it says in the bible..."

"CAMERON"

said jesus....

(there was a massive pause, and strangely, the words "massive pause" could be heard from below)

"YOU'RE FIRED"

...and lo (you silly sod skazza! lol!!) there be a vacancy aboard the Jolly Mes for a racist homophobic misogynistic bigot, but who could be as downright despicable and repellent and thoroughly unpleasant as Camoron?
Theye sailed the seven seas, and a few lakes for good measure, contemplating this, threw out even Danny B*ker, yes, it was that tough a call!
Onward they sailed, but just WHO could out-bigot the Orrid Orkadian?
Suddenly, ship's cook Jamie Holiver emerged from the galley..
The chatter stopped, the piano ceased (you've seen the Westerns) and the crew as one all turned to look at him...

Jamie Holiver: "What?........"