....."
no sooner had the word escaped his lips, a shot rang out from high in the rigging...
"i always shop at m&s" said apparently nude crack shot pseudo posh bird tania..."sainsbo's is so ...passe"
the crew scraped jamie holiver into the sea...

..and even the most starved and rapacious of sea creatures declined the prospect of a free meal, they had their standards!
Thereafter, the Jolly Mes, turned tail from "The Land that Good Drainage Forgot" and once more set sail for...
WAIT!!
Ships stenog..ship's communik..
Oh, the person who gets messages with a Morse code thingy..
Anyway..
Ship's Thingy: "Captain, we have just got a message from a passing pedalo..it seems it is from a pointy headed foul mouthed individual...plenty of fun..but no decorum.."
Captain Mes: "Haaaaaa! It not be Camoron then, I 'eard sound of fun, so it rules ee out then!"
Ship's wirelessman, that's him!: "Yes, it's Federico Captain, he's in Hawaii, wants us to meet up.."
Captain Mes: "Tell ee to stay in his boat (for once) I has a cunning plan afoot"
The crew, overhearing this, and tempted as they were to make wooden leg and foot jokes decided that wasn't such a good idea and set about plotting a course for Idle, er, Hawaii. (Look, easy mistake right? Idle's great this time of year. You should see the Parakeets..)
The Mes sailed on, past the two faces of Isla Camarona, past the twin toothed vista that was Stephney, until they were becalmed in the dreaded Accountant Sea...

there used to be a parakeets, but one of them died...and now there's only one keet in the whole of west yorkshire.

in bingley.

.."Set a course for Idle, and let us take in Bingley, ee wouldn't want to miss the Keet of Bingly ha harr, the other keet now last seen under a bowler hat in Bradford. Or would that be Aker Bilk? Let go!"
The strains of Grim's instrument strikes up.
"Now get the guitar out", entreat the crew. They knew a feed line when they saw one. Grim clears throat, spits playfully, and begins:

"It's fun, to charter an accountant
and sail the wide account sea...."

"Ha harr. I see ee be a python fan no less Grim, and Seaman Skazza an Eric IDLE fan no less! This could be a very silly voyage methinks"

The Mes' ways anchor on the IDLE-ic shores (that wasn't very good, was it?) ahem, on the sun bleached shores of Bingly for much deservee shore leave for the exhausted crew. Soon they will once more sail to Idle, but for now, it was keet spotting, sea shantys with the much awaited promise of a barbeque and The Wicker Man vid to watch. For some reason, Seamoron Camoron was the only one not looking forward to the vid...

All too soon it was time to leave the sun-drenched shores of Idle and once more return to sea. The Captain summed it up.
"Bugger! But we be off ag'in! This time...
(awaits dramatic pause.......)
"To Wicker Island"

"Is that where there are..just......too.....many..Wickers?" opined Seaman Grim, risking a personal keelhauling.

The Captain sighed. He knew this thread had had it' s day, but rather like a thinly diguised overtly pleasant outwardly laudable islander of Orkney he knew that soon it's inate sh*te substance would be revealed for all to see.

"Avast there!! Let 's scuttle this 'ere tub! It be doomed! It has as many jokes left in it as morals in an Orkney Fish Trader, methinks ha harrr!"

And so, bypassing Goole (which was sound navigation in any maritime mariners log) the Jolly Mes set sail for dry dock, maybe to be broken, maybe to be refit, who knows.

The crew gathered around Grim's instrument. You'd think they'd suffered enough, but no. Such stoicism. They all chorussed the final Jolly Mes' Lament...

Had to bring this back to the top, the reason being you can find out your pirate name by clicking here http://www.fidius.org/quiz/pirate.php

Apparently Grim I am:

Bloody Morgan Vane!

Nice!!

ah-harrr me hearties... cap'n skaz has been exposed at last... i be none other than "iron davy roberts"

come and get me, ye landlubbers, if ye dare...
ah- harrr rrrggghh ghhhh
+cough+

mrs skaz is somehow "dirty mary kidd"

we'll not mention this again, shall we?

Ha harr!! Tis "iron davy roberts" and Mrs Iron, "dirty mary kidd"!!
Ha harr!! (again!) Bloody Morgan Vane at yer service ha harr!!
I sound like a cursed kit-car wind direction detector!!

Methinks we shall be a-mentioning it once more!

Well I'm Dirty Jenny Rackham! oo'er

ha-harrr...arrr.agghhh..ckkkkllfppt

ahem....
we're all better than ever, a-harrrr
an' more than prepared to keelhaul those contestants....aaaaajjjgggrffllkds-harrr...+cough+...+splutter+

this be iron davy roberts, sailin the forum sea, with me dirty mary in tow...

an i'll kill (or otherwise seriously inconvenience) any landlubbin' cove who says it baint be so...

Laughs but continues ship's log..

The Mes' alters course after being denied birthing at Orkney.
"Ha Harr! Likes I want'd to go to that god f'saken isle, no less! Tis ful o' hippo-crits me thinks and fat ol' mendacious ones ha harr! That Seamoron Camoron, ha har! 'EE 'ad more faces than the town 'all clock avast! And thrice as ugly each o' 'em!!"
"Captain?" The ship's cleaner Steph interjected
"What be 'ee wantin' then? Heaving to agi'n be we?"
"No your honour. Although I do feel a bit Uncle Dick. No, it's the bosun Captain. He's with Roger the Cabin Boy. I think they are fighting!"
The Captain listens out for faces being punched to back of heads and lights being punched out but hears nothing.
"WOW" Seaman Staines ejaculates.
"How did I knows you'd do that?!" says the Captain, well versed in purile double entendre-like innuendo.
"No, when Ship's cleaner bends over Captain, she be sayin "WOW" as I sees she 'as a "W" tattooed on each butto..
"Belay that joke Staines! This isn't the Onedin Line with guarenteed tv viewing figues! This be Endemall, ful 'o halfwits and poncey bottled water no less. We needs to steer a more iniquitous course...ha harr! Pass me that Hell-o magazine you be concealin'...

A humerous rejoinder follows, well, I think it's humerous..

Person in charge of a craft designed for travel on the middle-state apropos matter: "Good heavens my dear chums. I see that the celestial body of illumination has once again surpassed the 3 foot upper limb. Perchance we should imbibe and indulge generally with libations that those who find themselves non terra firma might enjoy"
Others: "That would be a simplistic and prosaic utterance for your self to utter we maintain, as a body of people disposed to following a devised and considered form of acceptable behaviour"
Person in charge, oh, whatever: "It is time to heave...er arrest said transportational device and return to a more sober and fitting cyberland digital interchange, namely, that devoid of manifest humour or, like in "Just a Minute" any repetition.

With that, Nicholas Parsnips draws a veil over the adventures of a very silly bunch of people who are not coming out to play!
Well, not for a few minutes anyway...

keelhauling is not nice you know

Grim!

The practice to which you refer has beneficial effects on a vessel's keel re the descaling of attendant sea creatures. That a person's hide may be stripped from his/her back is inconsequential - break the rules, tsk, s'what you get!!

Grim, I will be shot at dawn as well for this!! (LOL)

Hmm yes I can see the benefits of [SIZE=1]keelhauling[/SIZE] now you mention it.
Hmm, wonder who we could dispose of

I couldn't possibly comment Grim!!

[SIZE=1]This post has been heavily edited, in order to conform to EC directive91-9624001-"we all have standards, youknow..." a man walks into a drumkit.... b'dum tshhhh[/SIZE]

..cymbollickly and says "That face rings a bell!"
Or was that Charles Laughton?
He's a dead ringer for someone I knew once..

[SIZE=1]this post has been interupted for several reasons: 1) It's not funny. 2) or clever. 3) I need a drink and I see Skazza's harbouring (oops, maritime term!) all the Idle Duty Free the bugger!![/SIZE]