Anyone remember Dennis Taylor (a past celeb who suffered at the tongue of Craig) challenging him to a game of snooker.

In series 3, his barbs got to Dennis Taylor, who was sufficiently provoked to challenge Revel Horwood: "What I’m going to do with Craig is buy him a snooker cue and see what he can do with that in five days"

Craig accepted the challenge and was duly humiliated - sweaty palms and forehead, and he didn't pot a ball. Fortunately for him Dennis was too nice to employ similar ascerbic comments to Craig, so he was let off the hook a bit. Pity he soon forgot what it feels like.

At the end of the series I'd like to see the judges given 5 days training in the métier of the celebs.

Mark would train each judge in one of the strokes that make up swimming; breaststroke, backstroke, freestyle and butterfly.

First they would assemble at the swimming pool, the men clad in speedos and Arlene in a one piece suit - we'd give her a choice. This perhaps
http://www.swimstop.co.uk/c2/uploads...reaker%202.jpg
or if she's self conscious about her legs then maybe this:
http://www.swimstop.co.uk/c2/uploads/1593.jpg
To make them feel at home, see through panels decorated with sequins would be inserted.

Remember swimmers carry not an ounce of surplus flesh and swimsuits are so streamlined and close fitting that every lump and bump is magnified. Mark would be free to comment on their lumpy, bumpy bodies and sneer at their fitness levels (or lack thereof).

They would be required to dive in from the blocks (plenty of opportunity for belly flop jokes), complete a tumble turn (cue - tortured octopus joke), swim 25 metres using only their legs, (holding a kick board or swim paddles in their outstretched arms), then 25 metres using only their arms (pull buoy between ankles): - drowning rats jokes might be appropriate here. Then complete 50 metres of their individual stroke - if they survive then the 'waving not drowning,' jokes come into their own. e.g.

You looked like a dead fish trying to swim
You don't look like a God, but you do swim like a geek.
Crabs swim sideways - you're supposed to be going forward.
Sorry my friend - it wasn't just your kick that was screwed - you are too.
You created as much spray as an ocean going liner.
The idea is to swim economically with beautiful long strokes, not thresh your arms around like a windmill in a force 9 gale.

Now I know Mark finds it difficult to be mean - but he must grit his teeth and remember JB's acting lessons - sneer and get angry - it is very liberating.

As for the marks - no need - they all drowned.

Did you see Craig on Masterchef? He was like a completely different person. He kept shaking and crying and his food wasn't exactly lauded to the skies. Shame he's not learnt from that experience!

A lovely dream scenario...

BUT...yes I'd love the judges to drop the personal insults, not laugh at the celebs while they dance(Bruno) and give constructive criticism which they can build and improve on

BUT...that AIN'T gonna happen in this series...

BUT...maybe on SCD7 we can have some changes to a whole lot of things 'Strictly'...

*fewer couples

*no Sunday show

*new judges

*new presenters...it really is time and I'm a fan of Bruce

*new dances

*weed out the best of the pros and make some of the others the new judges

*let's have an all-new singing (some new singers wouldn't go amiss) and dancing SCD7

Err, he did suffer from extreme nerves, but I don't remember him crying, sweating a lot certainly, but crying, don't remember that, and his food was good enough to make the final, he ended up as one of the runners up

Oh yes Masterchef - now Gary could call them into the kitchen!

"Well Craig those Yorkshire puds were as flat as pancakes - you haven't exactly risen to the occasion have you?"

"Arlene, I was expecting a scrumptious, succulent sponge - you offered a sad and sorry specimen. What happened to the middle?"

"Len, you can't cook, I can't dance; that's ok - although my failure to dance won't give anyone food poisoning. I hope you've taken out public liability insurance because that chicken is so undercooked it should still be scratching around the farmyard."

"Bruno - didn't your Italian mama teach you anything. Ice cream is supposed to melt in the mouth not on the plate. If I told you it should be firm and tasty (a bit like Mark's bod) might that inspire you?"

The celebs sign up for it, they know what to expect. I agree the judges can be overly personal at times but if they're overly sensitive they know not to sign up.

It's a spoof thread - lighten up.

Didn't one of the judges say that one of his dishes looked like a bowl of snot?

10 10 10 10

brilliant.

thank you my friend.

Thank you Ignazio - you've made me laugh for the first time after a truly rotten day!

All part of the service.

Hope your day is better tomorrow

I didn't see Craig on Masterchef but I just watched this clip

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jZzIPb635BQ

LOL!

I think Arlene should wear the first swim suit option (maximum embarrassment potential), but I'm really not sure my nerves could stand seeing the others in Speedos...

...but I feel honour bound to at least try so please set it up for us Ignazio!

PS. There should be at least 3 false starts to fill out the 'show'!

Needs more graphic talent than I possess.

Wanted - a graphic artist who can illustrate what the infamous four might look like clad in figure clinging speedos - just a thought, might Craig, Len and Bruno require any padding?

As for the false starts - oh yes!

To Craig - "Anticipating the gun may come naturally to you, but remember this is a swimming contest."

Can I just point out that until the judges put themselves forward to be judged at another skill, this is fairly irrelevent.

Mr Taylor had longer than a week to pick up the basics of one dance - which is not the same as learning all aspects of a sport in a week.

If you put yourself in a show where you are going to be judged, why be shocked when the judging does not go your way?

And does anyone think the judges could become accomplished swimmers, chefs or footballers etc. in a fortnight - or even a month of Sundays?

Mr. Foster did not have longer than a week before being judged on his paso - but as previously stated none of us expect the judges to expose themselves to ridicule by attempting to emulate the talents of the celebs - so don't take it too seriously.

Lighten up.

How dare you tell me to go on a diet!!!

You've redeemed yourself.

I'm not so bad at graphics but I believe there were some things we were never meant to see!

Awwww go on - we can always look away if our stomachs start churning.

I love this thread. Thank you Ignazio.

Actually Mark did say in an interview that he "would quite like to take them all swimming and send them off a 10m diving board and see what they look like coming down in mid-air." That would be great.

There's no excuse that just because the celebrities sign up for this show they are open to be personally attacked and humiliated. They are still human being afterall and it's only fair to expect certain level of respect. It's wrong to legitimise this kind of bullying culture. Just heard from the news that Russel Brand and Jonathan Ross have been suspended, serve them right. The judges should be warned for their bullying behaviour and should apologize in public.

What about a fishnet swimsuit for Arlene, since she's so excited about Mark's fishnet shirt.

Absolutely - good humoured banter is acceptable - insulting behaviour when the target is not really able to answer back is by definition the behaviour of a bully. By that I mean they used their knowledge of dance to humiliate Mark - and his lack of dance experience meant he was unable to answer back with any credence.

As for Brand and Ross - words fail me - and that rarely happens.

I even doubt that their apologies are sincere - they're probably more concerned for the effect if may have on their careers.

For my money - if I never see or hear either of them again - it won't be a minute too soon.

Oh noooo - she might roll the top down.

ughhhh *shudders*.

Brilliant read Ignazio. Its a good job its lunchtime ... I've been able to have a good giggle to myself without people thinking I'm off my rocker