Options
Living with people with mental illness - How do you cope?
![[Deleted User]](https://wb.vanillicon.com/v2/b58ac462b66dd2a2fd3ea4dd1a69b132.svg)
[Deleted User]
Posts: 2,229 Forum Member
✭✭✭
Right now I'm feeling angry, hurt and emotionally battered, after another row with my brother who is consumed with bi-polar, and drug induced psychosis.
For the 3rd time in 2 days hes accused me of having a personal vendetta against him, plotting against him and calling him all the names under the sun. Which I catergorically have not. For a start I'm hardly ever in the house and often these episodes occur when I'm not even here.
Although we live in the same house I keep myself away from him, as to be honest I feel like he just isnt my brother. He's not the brother I used to have, he was a nice lad, kind, clever, generous and someone I could look up to. Now he's a vile, manipulative, liar, he is unable to listen to what others say and is entirely self centred.
I actually hate him right now for bringing this into his life, for bringing this into all of our lives and all because he smoked cannabis. :mad: He's my older brother and he smoked his ****ing life away! The irony is, his psychosis only occured when he gave up the evil drug.
I'm so mad right now I've just screamed at my mum, I think she's in denial, papering over the cracks with mini shopping trips to make up for the fact that I've just taken a verbal battering because she cant face that her son needs help.
I hate this disease because its stolen my brother. It's stolen everything he was and could have been.
Right now I just don't want him near me because it's not him, I am ashamed to admit it but I wish he wasn't here.
I can't deal with this no more.
For the 3rd time in 2 days hes accused me of having a personal vendetta against him, plotting against him and calling him all the names under the sun. Which I catergorically have not. For a start I'm hardly ever in the house and often these episodes occur when I'm not even here.
Although we live in the same house I keep myself away from him, as to be honest I feel like he just isnt my brother. He's not the brother I used to have, he was a nice lad, kind, clever, generous and someone I could look up to. Now he's a vile, manipulative, liar, he is unable to listen to what others say and is entirely self centred.
I actually hate him right now for bringing this into his life, for bringing this into all of our lives and all because he smoked cannabis. :mad: He's my older brother and he smoked his ****ing life away! The irony is, his psychosis only occured when he gave up the evil drug.
I'm so mad right now I've just screamed at my mum, I think she's in denial, papering over the cracks with mini shopping trips to make up for the fact that I've just taken a verbal battering because she cant face that her son needs help.
I hate this disease because its stolen my brother.
It's stolen everything he was and could have been.Right now I just don't want him near me because it's not him, I am ashamed to admit it but I wish he wasn't here.
I can't deal with this no more.
0
Comments
However, this is the big brother forum
http://www.sane.org.uk/
How can you call your own brother vile? Bipolar disorder is something that he has no control over.
Is he on medication? If he has been diagnosed with biploar than surely he is on medication and is getting professional help?
Ok, so he smoked abit of pot, but you can't blame him for that. A huge proportion of the country smoke, and not many get mental health problems because of it.
There is actually no proof that the drugs have caused his psychosis, as biploar could happen to anyone. Its all to do with an inbalance of chemicals in the brain.
You are bitter towards him for bringing problems in to your life??? :eek:
Well how do you think he feels? Having to suffer with an illness that he has no control over?
As family, you should be supporting him to the end, because thats what he needs.
If he is in a full blown episode, then unfortunately there is not much you can do or say to change the way he is thinking. All you can do is show support, and please don't get angry at him. Tell him that you will always love him, and what he says is not true. Make sure he knows that you are there for him, and tell him that you understand that he is ill, and will not hold it against him.
Please do not take anything he says or does to you personality, because a manic episode makes one irrational, and this is not your real brother talking.
Your brother still loves you, but the illness has taken over, and unfortunately he has no control over his actions whilst in a manic episode.
I plead that you show him as much support as possible, and help him get better.
If he is taking medication, please ensure that he takes it.
If he is still having full blown episodes then maybe the medication is wrong for him, and he needs to change it.
Is he ok inbetween episodes?
Most people with bipolar disorder eventually manage to find the right medication to keep them on stable level at all times.
Some of the lucky ones completely recover, and never have an episode again.
If he is refusing to take his medication, then im afraid being hospitalised is the only way forward.
If I am to assume that he is taking his medication, and is in and out of episodes, and fine inbetween, then you need to support him through the episodes, and make sure he comes to no harm.
I can't say much more until I know more details.
p.s I understand that this must be hard for you, and I wasn't having a go at you at any point in the message.
My best friend has severe Bi-Polar,she is one of the smartest,fun and loyal person I have ever known. with the right treatment and support you can get the brother you knew back. my friend holds down a full-time job and is studying for a degree. Of course there is alot to her story but she worked hard for the life she now has.
Learn as much as you can about this illness and encourage him to get the right treatment, thats the beginning,good luck.
You could have fooled me. Living with mental illness is really grim, but living with someone WITH mental illness is also really difficult but all for different reasons.
Tell me something I dont know.
I have been through it myself with a family member.
I guess I will not bother replying any further, as it seems one part of mesage was pin pointed and slated, and the rest went unnoticed.
I was trying to help, and be honest at the same time, even if that may have come across as harsh.
I can see that there was a lot of good on your message, it's just that the OP was already feeling like a pile of poo and might have taken the beginning of your post rather hard.
I suffer with bi-polar, and I now know it's hell for everyone - not just me
I'm currently very, very miserable because I've acted dreadfully towards one person in particular lately, whom I love very much.
I think I've done too much damage now and it can never be repaired.
I tell myself to NOT act in these ways, but I seriously can't help it - it's truly like having a demon inside of you, pushing everything that is bad out.
And then when 'phases' are over, or getting weaker, I calm down and see logic for a while. But then the pattern keeps repeating and I do it again.
It is so sad for all involved. I hate what it's done to me, and what it's made me do to others.
And some people think you use the illness as an excuse. I don't use it as an excuse, but maybe some do. But I suppose you can't blame people for thinking that it is just an excuse to act like an ar*ehole.
If it's selfish to want him back then yes I'm guilty. His past ignorance towards the effects of drugs have brought this into his life, our life my life, so again if that makes me selfish then yeah I'm selfish.
Your post smacks of simplicity, you try telling him that you love him when he's shouting you down and in a rage over something that has not actually happened!
You try showing support while he intimidates you and rips into your personality, whilst simultaneously breaks your heart with what is happening to him!
I couldn't give a rats ass that according to you there is no scientific evidence that links cannabis to psychosis. Come round to our house, theres the evidence, we are all bloody living with the consequences!
How do I think he feels? Well funnily enough I have asked and guess what, he has no awareness of these episodes, it's like he blanks out for a couple of days. He is totally unaware of what everybody is dealing with.
It's the helplessness I cant deal with, because I can't take control and just sort it out, we all have to watch this happening to him. He is on medication, and has the odd visit from a social worker but thats it. As a family we have been offered no support of how to help him, mental illness is something you see on telly until it happens to someone you love.
Of course I love my brother otherwise there wouldnt have been a single tear shed for him as I write this.
BTW- Yeah you sound like you are having a go, moreover you sound like somebody who hasn't watched this happen to a loved one.
Edit: According to your post you have witnessed this at first hand, and yet you sound so very simplistic about this.
You described your brother as vile, not his behaviour. That would have been different.
I understand all this, but your brother will get better.
How long has he been on the medication? It does not sound like the medication is right for him if he is still having consistent full blown episodes. You need to speak to his doctors, and get his medication changed.
There are so many different medications out there, and finding the right ones to make him stable are important.
You are blaming the drugs and using them as a scapegoat.
In all fairness, your brother was probably prone to this sort of illness, and if it wasnt the weed that triggered this, it would have been something esle, like stress, a shock to the system, or something emotional.
It was probably a mixture of all the above, and more, that triggered the illness.
Has he always had biploar? How long ago was he diagnosed?
Some people were pretty much born with bipolar, and with others, it takes something to trigger it off.
You are angry at your brother for using drugs, and are blaming his illness on this, when like I said, there is nothing to prove that the drugs have caused this.
I can understand that you are looking for something or someone to blame, but its not his fault. It would have happened anyway.
An episode makes you deluded, and there is nothing he can do about it.
All you can do is stay strong, and help him get better.
If he shouts at you, try and deflect the conversation towards something else.
I have been through this, and it is hard.
Is your brother in a constant manic episode or does he ever come down?
If its constant, then it sounds like he needs to be hospitalised (in harsher terms 'sectioned' for his own benefit)
Getting someone sectioned is no easy task, and we had to fight to make it happen.
PM me if you think he needs to be hospitalised and i'll tell you how it can be done.
I have already covered this, but once again I will say, stop blaming the drugs, as the chances are, they were not the caus, but just the trigger of something that was already there.
That makes sense. Somebody in an episode drifts off in to la la land, and he won't be aware of how he is making people feel.
He is not doing it on purpose, and there is hope.
He just needs to get better.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Just stay strong, and do your best to get through this hard time.
You will get your brother back.
It is sometimes hard to get the right help, and I don't know whereabouts you live, but you need to scan the internet for special mental clinics, and take him to one.
You will find personal doctors there that specialize in mental health, and they will assign him a team of professionals and a personal key doctor to help fight it.
You don't have to battle this alone, you just need to find the right help. It is out there.
I didn't say you didn't love him, because its obvious that you do, and I do feel for you
Well you are wrong there. I have spoke for hours with professional doctors, and have a better understanding of bipolar than most average joes.
Wow - You think I sound simplistic?
Ok, I guess there is actually no point in me continuing then.
See ya
Try and remember what it wa slike when you were first going through this
The OP has no experience of this whatsoever...and no knowledge to know whether the drugs are to blame etc.
These are things you can only learn through experience
Your advice is sound and brilliant...your manner, if I put myself in the OP's shoes, comes over as if you're attacking them.
This is such an ordeal to go through, arguably worse for the loved ones than the patient themselves who can often be unaware of things. (Notice I did say arguably...and I do mean at times, I am by no means implying it is not hard having the condition, of course)
The OP has come on here as much for support as advice. It seems they are truly remorseful for the feelings they have for their brother so for an early reply to confirm their worst fears that they are selfish must be a big punch to the gut
FAO OP: A friend of mine is bipolar and spent a month with us without much professional support. That was enough for us...I love her to pieces. But none of us were qualified to do it. you must take as much professional support as you can and don't feel shame in feeling anger and resentment. it's not your brothers fault but it's not yours either nor is it your responsibility to give up your life to care for him.
Good luck
Thank you wallo mr slug,
You perfectly summed up how I felt when I recieved Demay's reply. I came on to ask for help with coping strategies, and other peoples experiences, because I have no idea how to deal with this on a practical front. However I felt his reply was like a kick in the teeth. So thanks for your support, much appreciated.
Is there any way you can move out? Is there any way he can go somewhere safe to give you (all) a break?
Have you any support from your family Dr or Social Services?
What you have to remember is to look after your mental health. Don't listen to people who say you shouldn't feel as you do because that is certainly not going to help you. What do they know, they're not you and often what you find is that they've been through a similar situation and coped so they think everyone else should as well.
See if you can get some support outside your family, a support group perhaps, there's great comfort to be found in realising what you are feeling is normal and hearing 1st hand of ways to cope and also knowing that other people have dealt with similar situations.
Good luck.
He told me that I was nothing, and a loser, for not backing him up in his campaign to become a famous leader type icon. He tried to persuade me to jump on a plane and go around the world with no money in our pockets, and said he would get us money....He would have done it too.....
He said I was weak and one of lifes chumps, who would never get anywhere with my boring personality.
He accused me of betraying him, and accused my mother of plotting against him, saying she was evil.
He would also get aggressive and became very unpredictable.
Everybody was confused and we thought he was on drugs at first.
This ordeal only lasted a few days, because we done EVERYTHING we possibly could to get him help.
We took him to various doctors, but he would get annoyed and run out of the building. They said he may have bipolar disorder but its too early to tell.
In other words they did nothing.
We took him to hospitals, and they didnt know what to do.
He became dangerous, and we decided he needed to be sectioned. We pleaded with the hospital to do it but they wouldnt.
At no time what so ever did we ever feel hatrid towards him.
I just wanted him to get better.
All the family and friends gathered round, and he even attacked his cousin, who he was attached to hip with previously.
Everybody showed support, and nobody felt resentment.
We eventually got him sectioned, and he spent a month in a secure hospital.
He was diagnosed with bipolar, and at least one of us, made sure we visited him everyday in hospital. We took time off work, made sacrifices, and made sure he knew he had our support.
He called us traitors, misguided, and horrible names.
This lasted about 2 weeks, and then he started to get better due to the medication.
To avoid going on for even longer, I will say that we went straight to a local mental health hospital the day he came out, and he was provided with a whole team of professionals, and a personal doctor. They would visit him everyday for the first two weeks, and then his personal doctor reduced it to once a week.
He stayed on his medication and got better. He returned to his old self, returned to work full time, and everything got back to normal.
He said he could never have got through it without our support, and was embarrased about his behaviour.
We told him not to worry, and that we always loved him, and that it was no big deal.
Posts I have seen on this thread suggesting to ship him away, or move out and run away from the problem are horrible in my opinion.
There comes a time when your family need support. Running away from the problem is selfish.
I NEVER hated my brother, and never felt angry or blamed him for anything. He had never took drugs, and rarely drank.
I just wanted him to get better.
We done everything we could to get him better, and didn't stop until he was.
I was 20 and my brother was 23.
I can't really offer you any advice, I think there are people here a lot better to help you. I just wanted you to know that I felt everything that you feel now and found it so difficult but have come out the other side and now have a good relationship with my dad and am able to support my little sister through her issues.
Wishing you the best. x
Maybe you should offer some advice on how you coped and the agencies you went to rather than telling the OP off.
I had to cope with something like this on my own with no other family to support me, and when I say no one I mean no one. I went through all the same feelings, you're allowed to.
I am quite sure he does not realise what he is doing. His behaviour sounds much the same as a drunk. They can say the most horrid things about people and don't mean it and when they come off the booze,they are very ashamed and upset that they could be so vile about the people closest to them.
Good luck. Things will improve as I was thinking the same way as you four months ago. I got Social Services involved in the end and they have been excellent and my stress and headaches have gone! Touch wood!
msjj- Thanks for support and the links will check them out now.
Creamola Foam - Thanks for expressing what I couldn't right now, cried soo much I just feel drained.
LittlePolly - Reading yours and everybody's experiences here has helped me greatly.
Sorry
I just find it hard to relate to feeling that way, because we never felt like that about my brother.
We just wanted him to get better, at any cost.
I guess different people handle things in different ways.
We were lucky though, because he found the right mix of medication straight away, and he wanted to help himself and get better after leaving hospital.
I guess the OP and others have had to deal with this for a longer period of time, and don't seem to have had the help that we got.
Sorry if I came across harsh OP.
I'm just passionate about this, because I know how much my brother needed us through his darkest times, because he told us so.
I spent long nights talking with him for the first month or so of him being out, because he found it hard to sleep. I often had to work early, but either me or my mum would stay up all night talking with him. Even though he was better, he would still go in to hyper mode, and we were expecting further full blown episodes at all times, but luckily, they never came.
So yes, our experience sounds alot different, because the episodes were not consistent.
To the OP -
Medication is the key though, along with as much professional support as you can.
Don't be fobbed off with mickey mouse psycholigists, and doctors with little knowledge.
There are loads of good ones out there who will take the strain away from you and your family.
Finding the right medication is a MUST though, and it sounds like your bro's medication is not doing much good.
If he has become dangerous and you are scared of what he might do next, then he needs to be hospitolised.
I still don't know enough about your bro's behaviour to comment further though.
Lexy, check out MSJJ's link, you need support, I ended up at the stage where I was phoning the Samaratins as I was either going to harm myself or the person I was caring for.
All your feelings are confused just now, I suspect you're angry at your brother for what he's become and what he's done to your life, your angry at your mum as she's not supporting you (I suspect she's just keeping it together) and then you'll be angry at yourself for feeling these things and then guilt kicks in about feeling angry, and so on.
You need someone outwith your situation to step in and help you straighten out what's going on in your head and help you understand your brother's condition. Check out the link and you'll find that people come through this and you are not alone in how you feel and somehow that makes things a bit easier.