Options
Getting over someone who never was anything (warning: v. long post)
For him it was a fling; for me it was something I've never ever experienced before. I'm not fussed about the physical side of our relationship, what got to me were the emotions that took over me when we were together. I've never felt as at ease or calm and comfortable than I did with him. I've never been one to long for a relationship or commitment and then he came along and all of it suddenly made sense.
The only problem is, for him I'm nothing, just one of many. Rationally I can find many reasons why he's not a good guy, especially not for me, but the problem is, bar those few things (like the minor issue of him not having any interest in me...:rolleyes:) he's perfect, he's everything I've ever wanted and much-much more. But I'm an immature 20-something with ghastly social skills and very little self-confidence, awkward and never been in a proper relationship, have massive trust issues. He's older, been through it all, successful, brash (but in an attractive way), confident and utterly charming. He once told me about a woman who had fallen madly in love with him (and wouldn't leave him alone), I laughed, and then the next morning I woke up and thought “oh c**p”. I was floored the first time I laid my eyes on him, but I figured I could keep my feelings in check for a while by convincing myself that he doesn't really care about me. However the problem was that he was so so lovely and caring whenever we were together. We only saw each other a few times but it took less than that, I was already madly into him the second time we met. I've never felt this calm around anyone. It's been months and I still can't get him out of my head.
It makes me feel so pathetic because I know all the bad things, all the reasons why I shouldn't let thoughts about him run wild in my head, but then there's the other part. I've had this image in my head of the perfect guy but I always figured that no one could possibly match up to my fantasy and I was content with never finding anyone I'd want to be in a proper relationship with. And then I met him. He is everything, which is a lie because he obviously isn't if I'm sitting here writing this soppy and pathetic post, if he was everything we'd be together. He's just a perfect creature that was sent to torture me, or that's what it feels like. I met him at such an odd time in my life, the circumstances were even weirder. I need to stop these feelings but I have no idea how.
He's arrogant and doesn't keep his promises and probably treats people like c**p and doesn't care about me, that should be enough. He's a player and knows all the right things to say, I'm sure of it because how can it be that he can say the exact thing I'm feeling but don't dare to say – probably because it has worked with many women before me. We also hadn't spoken in several months and then he called me a few weeks ago... I didn't get no “I'm sorry I'm such a ****, how have you been”, oh no, nothing of the sort, he just called to ask for my friend’s number. THAT should be enough. And I thought it was, for a few days I was really angry and offended and thought “I deserve so much better”. But that's how my brain works – I forget all the bad stuff other people do to me really quickly, and now I'm back to thinking that he's all I want.
I am feeling so weak and pathetic and worthless because I know it was nothing but I've managed to conjure up this big thing in my head and I can't let it go. I don't dare to talk to my friends about it because they'd be mortified if they found out I am still lusting after this guy. But I don't know how to stop, no one I've ever met has come even close to him, or what he made me feel. And the saddest though is that what if I never do get over him, what if I never meet anyone who'd make me forget him? I was a lonely child, very introverted, read a lot and have crazy imagination, I've probably lived most of my life inside my head because that was more fun, safer. I feel feelings very deeply but I hardly ever show them and it scares me that even if it's something that shouldn't be an issue at all, I manage to think it into something big. You can't be in love with someone you barely know, who doesn't care about you, right? So how do I stop? All of it is inside my head, why can't I control it?
The only problem is, for him I'm nothing, just one of many. Rationally I can find many reasons why he's not a good guy, especially not for me, but the problem is, bar those few things (like the minor issue of him not having any interest in me...:rolleyes:) he's perfect, he's everything I've ever wanted and much-much more. But I'm an immature 20-something with ghastly social skills and very little self-confidence, awkward and never been in a proper relationship, have massive trust issues. He's older, been through it all, successful, brash (but in an attractive way), confident and utterly charming. He once told me about a woman who had fallen madly in love with him (and wouldn't leave him alone), I laughed, and then the next morning I woke up and thought “oh c**p”. I was floored the first time I laid my eyes on him, but I figured I could keep my feelings in check for a while by convincing myself that he doesn't really care about me. However the problem was that he was so so lovely and caring whenever we were together. We only saw each other a few times but it took less than that, I was already madly into him the second time we met. I've never felt this calm around anyone. It's been months and I still can't get him out of my head.
It makes me feel so pathetic because I know all the bad things, all the reasons why I shouldn't let thoughts about him run wild in my head, but then there's the other part. I've had this image in my head of the perfect guy but I always figured that no one could possibly match up to my fantasy and I was content with never finding anyone I'd want to be in a proper relationship with. And then I met him. He is everything, which is a lie because he obviously isn't if I'm sitting here writing this soppy and pathetic post, if he was everything we'd be together. He's just a perfect creature that was sent to torture me, or that's what it feels like. I met him at such an odd time in my life, the circumstances were even weirder. I need to stop these feelings but I have no idea how.
He's arrogant and doesn't keep his promises and probably treats people like c**p and doesn't care about me, that should be enough. He's a player and knows all the right things to say, I'm sure of it because how can it be that he can say the exact thing I'm feeling but don't dare to say – probably because it has worked with many women before me. We also hadn't spoken in several months and then he called me a few weeks ago... I didn't get no “I'm sorry I'm such a ****, how have you been”, oh no, nothing of the sort, he just called to ask for my friend’s number. THAT should be enough. And I thought it was, for a few days I was really angry and offended and thought “I deserve so much better”. But that's how my brain works – I forget all the bad stuff other people do to me really quickly, and now I'm back to thinking that he's all I want.
I am feeling so weak and pathetic and worthless because I know it was nothing but I've managed to conjure up this big thing in my head and I can't let it go. I don't dare to talk to my friends about it because they'd be mortified if they found out I am still lusting after this guy. But I don't know how to stop, no one I've ever met has come even close to him, or what he made me feel. And the saddest though is that what if I never do get over him, what if I never meet anyone who'd make me forget him? I was a lonely child, very introverted, read a lot and have crazy imagination, I've probably lived most of my life inside my head because that was more fun, safer. I feel feelings very deeply but I hardly ever show them and it scares me that even if it's something that shouldn't be an issue at all, I manage to think it into something big. You can't be in love with someone you barely know, who doesn't care about you, right? So how do I stop? All of it is inside my head, why can't I control it?
0
Comments
The exact same thing happened to me.. I met the "perfect" man. He was a lot older than me and a dashing bachelor who had seen it all before. I was an immature 21-year-old who fell deeply madly in love with him. It hurt so much more because to him I was nothing, just a fling, and he was everything to me! It's a very long story, but even though it seems like there can never again be joy and happiness in life, time really heals all wounds.
It happened to me a few times, yet when I look back on my yonger self, I wonder why I ever had those feelings for someone that so rightly did not deserve them.
Please whatever you do, don't be tempted to go back to him. If he doesn't recognise you for the person who you are the first time round he is unlikely to do so the second time. I made this mistake and my god, the pain I felt the second time certainly trumped the first experience.
Falling in love is like an extremely addictive drug. You can't just switch the feelings off when your head contradicts your heart as to what's good for you.
What helped me was thinking about the bad side rather than the good side, and also, realising what that you've been through is a commonplace experience, and most people do come through it. You have to keep yourself busy, and be very very kind to yourself, and try to concentrate on stuff which makes you happy, or which simply takes your mind off it in any way whatsoever within your spare time. In time, you'll get over it and believe me, it will be worth it, for it can be just as happy an experience to fall out of love, as it can be to fall in love. The world comes back to life incredibly when you fall out of love, and then someone nice who truly appreciates you and treats you with respect and cherishing, will come along.
Take care
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8dFVdEOWMM&feature=share
I think part of the problem is that he's the first person who has ever made me feel like I want to make him happy. I am mostly selfish and clammed up but I can't stop thinking about how nice it would be to share my life with someone like him. I genuinely thought I could never be in a relationship because it seemed impossible that I could give out the love I would like to receive, but then he happened. And I can picture myself very happy with him, if everything worked out the way I would want it to. Which obviously hasn't happened, probably won't happen and these thoughts need to stop. And I also get it that everybody goes through this, but it's a bit scary for me being this weak because part of me knows how dumb all of this is and tries to rationalise everything and then the other half is all about sappy love songs and dreams of a bright future with a wonderful man and “but he made you feeeel”. I don't like being this way.
But the man isn't actually wonderful because if he was, I wouldn't be writing this post. And you know, he could have given me a chance and if he had meant the things he said he would have, so it's kind of his loss? I get not being into someone, that's fine, but he lied and broke promises he had made and that is not all right. I don't deserve to be treated like this. It's hard for me to think about things this way because I've never thought of myself as much of a catch or a good partner to anyone, but he made me feel like I could have made him happy and offer something in a relationship. I suppose in this regard he has been good for me because the experience has changed me and for the better, or at least that's what I'd like to think.
I'm even not very sad or bitter about all of this, I'm just a bit scared and anxious and lonely. It's a bloody scary thought that keeps creeping in my head that what if I never meet anyone like him again. Which is daft, I know, and this kind of negativity will not help matters, so this too has to stop.
I can manage fine most days and tell myself I'm stronger and better than this, but then there are the days when I get random flashbacks and I feel so happy and so sad at the same time.
It's nice to get some assurance that all of this is normal and that it will pass. Thank you!
Oh gosh , English isn't even my first language and sometimes I worry whether people can understand me at all so reading this really made my day. Thank you so much!!
Well if he helped you a little bit, be thankful for that and it will help you next time you meet someone.
If you feel like it would help, why don't you explain to him what you have told us? He probably doesn't even realise how he is treating women. Some men are ignorant of their faults!
btw - age has nothing to do with expressing how you feel. ive always been able to do it since I was in my very very early teens. cant help how a human feels and writing about it, helps big time. but it hurts. sadly there are even more people who just brush you off because of things you write nicely and truely
its about connecting with your inner self, being educated and not just going from one to the next and not having the "dont give a stuff" attitude
Wise words, Abba.
But to answer your question - I'm not employed full time, it's very difficult to find something where I'm living but I do some work at home (doesn't pay much but it's still something), I take a few courses etc. So I'm not just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling thinking about him (I sometimes sit up too ), but whenever my thoughts wander, they wander to him. I do try to stop myself (lately I've been singing a song in my head whenever my thoughts turn to him, I'd never admit this in public, but it's okay, you people don't know who I am) but it seems so wrong that after so much time I still can't get him out of my head.
You're not an idiot, it's human nature. You can't help who you have feelings for, it would be nice if we could.
You should remember that you will find someone who loves you, and you will love them back, and then this man will be a long forgotten memory. You deserve to be with someone who treats you like you are the most important person in the world, and that man is out there somewhere, and it isn't that guy.
Good luck OP x
Turn all that love you are showering on him back on yourself.....you certainly sound more worthy of it than he does.
Some people react differently, some people are completely devoid of empathy. This man, for all the positives you fell for, doesn't sound like he'll do you any good long term. Dropping off the radar completely is one thing, but to casually approach for you a trivial thing without thinking... hang on a minute, might be a more delicate way to get around this, shows he's not one to lose sleep over.
My situation is different to yours, but I think certain rules are universal. We gave each other a fair bit of space not too long ago, a trial run for the longer term I suppose. It has actually worked out rather well. Luckily for me, it's actually made things better for the relationship and we're both a lot more grateful for each other. But, at the same time, putting that distance in place has given me some fresh perspective about being the more doting half of an unbalanced pair. I certainly won't exhaust or upset myself to keep the fires burning and I don't think any relationship should have one half pulling out all the stops and doing all the wetwork.
You sound like a very loving person who has a lot of love to give. This man doesn't sound like someone you should be wasting your time on. He could be an Adonis and know all the right moves, but on an emotional level, his credentials stink. As others have said, your youthfulness doesn't mean your feelings are invalid at all, but you'll see as you move forward in life and have other relationships that some partners can be incredibly selfish and, potentially quite damaging to their other half.
You admit to some severe self esteem issues, so I think this suggests you have work to do on yourself before you start losing sleep to a man who can't be arsed to check in for months at a time. I'm not saying you need a complete overhaul before pursuing another relationship, quite the opposite in fact. Some partners and relationships, however fleeting, can do a person and their esteem and outlook the world have good. Others are just selfish slugs who come along and devastate. This man sounds like one of those. He mightn't know he's doing it or, more likely, doesn't put much thought into how his behaviour might harm another person.
I can tell from your post that you're an individual who is capable of a lot of love and has a lot of empathy to them. Sooner or later, you'll find a suitable match that'll compliment those qualities.
Apart from that I can definitely empathise with the OP. I often find myself in very similar situations.
^^Wise words!
This has been one of the main reasons why I have been very apprehensive about starting a relationship and why I screwed up what seemed like a good chance about a year ago - which, in hindsight, was probably the best thing that could have happened because it finally made me go and get professional help for my depression. I am far from fine but I'm much better and stronger and I don't think I would be if I had started a relationship when I wasn't ready. I was so scared that I'd become reliant on the other person because I was only happy when I was with him and I worried that I wouldn't be able to pick myself up again if the relationship were to fail. And so I dragged making my decision about us out for so long that the guy got fed up and left. I don't blame him, although he could have been more decent about it instead of just gradually disappearing and ceasing contact, but I'm sure he had his reasons. But like I said - it made me go get help, which was the best thing for me. I don't want to be happy because of somebody else, I want to be happy and share the happiness with somebody and I think I'm slowly getting there.
If there is one thing he was not, he was not perfect, quite the opposite. So don't let your imagination trick you with that one.
Perhaps look at this experience not from a sense of loss, but a sense of gain, that out of this improbable hook-up you learnt something major about life - how fun it can be if you're not stuck in your own head.
I think it's great you're working on your depression, perhaps think about what kind of guy you would actually like to be with, in a real relationship. Perhaps also consider going out & making new friends, as friends can enrich your life as much as lovers.
If you're afraid of never meeting anyone like Mr Sleaze, dont be, there are 1000s of guys like him in the world.
If you like reading, try these books with girls experiencing a similar scenario:
The Dusty Answer - Rosamund Lehmann
Invitation to the Waltz - ditto
The Weather in the Streets - ditto
The Death of the Heart - Elizabeth Bowen
This made me smile. So very true.
OP - it hurts and it's crap and there is bugger all any of us can do or say to make you feel better. Some cliches are cliches because they are true and the old 'time is a healer' is a perfect example of that.
We all empathise and I feel for you, I remember the pain of heartbreak and it's awful. But the man in question well.....I wouldnt touch him with a barge pole now
As Christa quite rightly said, he isn't perfect, far from it by the sounds of it. So take him down from that pedestal, keep yourself busy and allow yourself to move on to someone who treats you right.
However, as Abba said, the best man in the world came along into my life -not my type at all and I wasn't his - but we have it all, and the last 20 years have flown by mainly in a haze of love and laughter.
The man of my dreams? He turned out not to be a god but to have feet of clay. He is alone, arrogant, disliked by many. His successful business and sporting career have brought him no pleasure and the latest 'bracelet' girlfriend has left him for a younger model.
OP you will get over this, you have everything going for you but try not to waste your precious time on this man.