.....when parking in a yellow box make sure your vehicle is located in it dead centre. this reduces chance of vehicles approaching your car from either side hitting it when the lights change ......
Please remember the outside lane of the motorway is reserved for German made cars only. Kindly BMW & Audi drivers will alert you to your error my use of their headlights. This is (apparently) an automatic feature
When parking in a supermarket car park, always reverse into the space. Even if you are not good at reversing and it takes you 20 attemps. Driving forwards into the space is not a good idea as you will be unable to reverse out of it when you leave .
Also, remember not to leave enough space at the back for you to open the boot. Make sure it just about touches the front of the car behind it
If you are driving in the rain make sure you drive as fast as poss through the biggest roadside puddle and totally soak the innocent dog walker from head to foot.
Pavements are not for pedestrians but vehicles. Always park the entire vehicle on the pavement and if you have an oil leak so much the better. Oh, and leave your wing mirrors sticking out.
If you see an accident on the other side of the motorway, make sure you slow down so as not to miss any gory sights.
If your mobile 'phone rings whilst in traffic, take one hand off the wheel and answer it. Do not concentrate on what is going on around you.
If you are aged over 80 the maximum motorway speed is 30mph and you don't need to use the indicators either. Weave in and out of lanes whilst staring fixedly at the windscreen.
You don't need to check whether your lights are working. Feel free to drive around with only one headlight or brakelight.
If you see a car window sign saying 'Baby on board', this sign refers to the driver and not the baby.
Err, I don't see where your question is leading, Robin. I didn't write sidelight so no I didn't mean sidelight, but it's only a joke answer anyway, made up from wry observation.
Pedestrians using a pelican crossing are unable to proceed safely across unless you rev your engine and creep a bit nearer, to encourage them that they are going in the right direction. It is only necessary to wait until they've almost made it across. When the green man is flashing, it's fine to almost catch them on their heels as you whizz by behind them. There's no need to wait for the amber light.
The same applies for zebra crossings - feel free to continue on once they have just cleared your car. This will train them to walk faster next time they cross!
When turning onto a main road don't wait a few seconds for that fast moving single car to pass, pull out in front of him and take all the time you want to slowly accelerate.
Help Motorcyclists at night by driving 6 inches right behind their back wheel with your Full Beam on,As motorcycle lights are not very good at night.When pulling out from a road junction wait until a single vehicle is about 40 feet away with half a mile of clear road behind them,Then pull out in front of said vehicle and drive as slowly as you can without stalling.Keep outside wing mirrors folded in when driving as it increases m.p.g.Motorcyclists always enjoy cooling down at traffic lights give them a quick blast with your washers as none of the water hits the screen.Never use the indicators as this will be added to your electric bill,for using the bulbs .Stop and Give way lines mean the traffic on the main road MUST give way or Stop when you drive onto main road and always remember to drive in the outside lane at 10 mph under the posted limit ,Never drive on inside lane when it is empty
For the sake of safety, you absolutely must have a 4*4 7 seater tank for your one and only child. Carrying other children breaks the safety code - one driver and one child only. If you have two children you must either make separate journeys, or buy another one so both partners can drop one child to school on the same route, same time.
At school run times, normal road rules do not apply. You are running late, and on a mission and all other road users must by law respect this. Fire engines and ambulances on their way to A&E with potential roadkill especially must give way to you.
Speed limits, need to indicate and courtesy to other road users is suspended during school run times for you. Should you be really late, then you must revert to normal rules of the road.
Parking regulations do not apply to you during school run time. It is perfectly legal to treble park on the zig zag lines by that stripey bit in front of the school gates. If other road users need to get by, including emergency service vehicles called to deal with someone squished on the stripey bit of road by some other Chelsea tractor depositing one child they must either wait, or reverse up and re-route to destinations. You do not have to move - that is why they have sat nav fitted to the vehicle.
Talking on your mobile, texting whilst driving, writing out shopping lists, meal plans and doing facebook on your Ipad are of course allowable during these times as you are in a rush.
Comments
Makes me laugh every time!!!!!
Also, remember not to leave enough space at the back for you to open the boot. Make sure it just about touches the front of the car behind it
If you're in a van or 4x4 you have right of way in all situations and there is no need to pay attention to other drivers at any time.
In sparsely populated car parks, park as uncomfortably closely to another car as you can, ignoring the 12 empty spaces next to them.
Edging your vehicle forward at a set of traffic lights makes them change quicker.
If you see an accident on the other side of the motorway, make sure you slow down so as not to miss any gory sights.
If your mobile 'phone rings whilst in traffic, take one hand off the wheel and answer it. Do not concentrate on what is going on around you.
If you are aged over 80 the maximum motorway speed is 30mph and you don't need to use the indicators either. Weave in and out of lanes whilst staring fixedly at the windscreen.
You don't need to check whether your lights are working. Feel free to drive around with only one headlight or brakelight.
If you see a car window sign saying 'Baby on board', this sign refers to the driver and not the baby.
Did you mean sidelight?
The same applies for zebra crossings - feel free to continue on once they have just cleared your car. This will train them to walk faster next time they cross!
For the sake of safety, you absolutely must have a 4*4 7 seater tank for your one and only child. Carrying other children breaks the safety code - one driver and one child only. If you have two children you must either make separate journeys, or buy another one so both partners can drop one child to school on the same route, same time.
At school run times, normal road rules do not apply. You are running late, and on a mission and all other road users must by law respect this. Fire engines and ambulances on their way to A&E with potential roadkill especially must give way to you.
Speed limits, need to indicate and courtesy to other road users is suspended during school run times for you. Should you be really late, then you must revert to normal rules of the road.
Parking regulations do not apply to you during school run time. It is perfectly legal to treble park on the zig zag lines by that stripey bit in front of the school gates. If other road users need to get by, including emergency service vehicles called to deal with someone squished on the stripey bit of road by some other Chelsea tractor depositing one child they must either wait, or reverse up and re-route to destinations. You do not have to move - that is why they have sat nav fitted to the vehicle.
Talking on your mobile, texting whilst driving, writing out shopping lists, meal plans and doing facebook on your Ipad are of course allowable during these times as you are in a rush.