not harsh at all unless you`re a very sensitive little flower.
No not a sensitive little flower, just think when someone is asking for advice like the OP was, because he's worried about his friend, being told things like "get a girlfriend" and, "mind your own business" is uncalled for.
No not a sensitive little flower, just think when someone is asking for advice like the OP was, because he's worried about his friend, being told things like "get a girlfriend" and, "mind your own business" is uncalled for.
that was my advice, to keep his nose out. which he should.
Fair enough, but should he though? Say if you were concerned about a friend, wouldn't you want to ask them if things are okay or look out for them?
asking if someone is ok is not the same as "acting on" something, i wouldn`t dream of giving any of my friends unsolicited advice or meddling in their personal relationships and it wouldn`t be well received by me either.
it`s a very quick way to lose friends.
the best thing the op can do is wait until they`re asked for an opinion and be there if it all goes tits up.
asking if someone is ok is not the same as "acting on" something, i wouldn`t dream of giving any of my friends unsolicited advice or meddling in their personal relationships and it wouldn`t be well received by me either.
it`s a very quick way to lose friends.
the best thing the op can do is wait until they`re asked for an opinion and be there if it all goes tits up.
I think most people, if they saw their friend being controlled or feared they were in an emotionally abusive relationship, would raise their concerns with that friend. That's one reason abuse stops or people get help for it, with help from friends or family. I completely agree with the OP wanting to see if their friend is okay, that's what a decent friend does.
I think most people, if they saw their friend being controlled or feared they were in an emotionally abusive relationship, would raise their concerns with that friend. That's one reason abuse stops or people get help for it, with help from friends or family. I completely agree with the OP wanting to see if their friend is okay, that's what a decent friend does.
we disagree.
helping a friend is the right thing to do in such a situation if they`ve asked for it, otherwise it`s more likely to offend and be counter productive.
Getting bullied? Haha surely you must be joking? Have you actually read this thread? And there's being bossed around and then there's being controlled - two different things and the latter is a serious issue.
I was going to reply to the 'bullying' comment but thought better of it. Frightlever is obviously not familiar with Christian Grey's posting history.
I don't think some people realise the difference between the two, it's a shame, because they think they're doing the right thing by constantly saying 'mind your own business, get your own girlfriend then you won't be so worried by other peoples relationships' etc, but really they're making themselves look silly. They either don't know the difference between being bossed around and being controlled, or they've never had a friend that they care about before.
Anyway, we've all pretty much said the same thing with regards to not saying anything to the friend, I don't think certain people need to keep repeating themselves over and over again. There's not much more that can be contributed to this thread.
I was going to reply to the 'bullying' comment but thought better of it. Frightlever is obviously not familiar with Christian Grey's posting history.
I don't think some people realise the difference between the two, it's a shame, because they think they're doing the right thing by constantly saying 'mind your own business, get your own girlfriend then you won't be so worried by other peoples relationships' etc, but really they're making themselves look silly. They either don't know the difference between being bossed around and being controlled, or they've never had a friend that they care about before.
Anyway, we've all pretty much said the same thing with regards to not saying anything to the friend, I don't think certain people need to keep repeating themselves over and over again. There's not much more that can be contributed to this thread.
just because you don`t agree it doesn`t make it wrong, i meant it sincerely.
i have been in a highly abusive and controlling relationship myself and would`ve been mortified if anyone tried to give me advice unasked, it would`ve been extremely patronising unhelpful and increased my anguish.
and it`s more often than not the messenger who gets shot and the message ignored.
just because you don`t agree it doesn`t make it wrong, i meant it sincerely.
i have been in a highly abusive and controlling relationship myself and would`ve been mortified if anyone tried to give me advice unasked, it would`ve been extremely patronising unhelpful and increased my anguish.
and it`s more often than not the messenger who gets shot and the message ignored.
I completely agree with you, which is why all the way through this thread I have said not to say anything. Just in a more polite way, at the end of the day the OP is just concerned for his friend.
Again thanks for the advice. Its that we all see it, and he has no clue. If he does know then he'll likely get out because he always says that he's not the type to be walked over by a girl, and yet the exact thing is happening.
What people say and what they do are different things. Speak to him about this after they have broken up. It is up to him what he puts up with in relationships.
There a re times in relationships that people become controlled and 'don't realise it' particularly but because they 'are in love' or 'need someone' etc they don't see it even though it is detrimental to their well-being.
Also, if he's being bullied he may not feel he can do anything...it's easy simply saying keep out of it or 'he'll leave her if he wants to'...sometimes it can be difficult and he might need more support than one thinks...maybe he is thinking about dumping her but can't do it or may needs support.
OP: If he's talking to you about it ask him if he's OK with that and be a bit blunt if you need to be especially if you are good open friends.
just because you don`t agree it doesn`t make it wrong, i meant it sincerely.
i have been in a highly abusive and controlling relationship myself and would`ve been mortified if anyone tried to give me advice unasked, it would`ve been extremely patronising unhelpful and increased my anguish.
and it`s more often than not the messenger who gets shot and the message ignored.
Very true. I think the older we get the more we learn that we have to leave other people to make their own decisions and lead their own lives - whether their problem is an abusive partner/alcoholism/an eating disorder, whatever generally the best we can do is offer a listening ear/a shoulder to cry on. When it comes to abusive relationships I think it's best to remain as neutral as possible unless asked directly for advice. I was reading a book on abusive relationships recently - in one case study the victim said that hearing a lot of criticism of her partner actually pushed them closer together, thinking he wasn't so bad and that others had no right to interfere - I suspect a lot of us can relate to that ...
Very true. I think the older we get the more we learn that we have to leave other people to make their own decisions and lead their own lives - whether their problem is an abusive partner/alcoholism/an eating disorder, whatever generally the best we can do is offer a listening ear/a shoulder to cry on. When it comes to abusive relationships I think it's best to remain as neutral as possible unless asked directly for advice. I was reading a book on abusive relationships recently - in one case study the victim said that hearing a lot of criticism of her partner actually pushed them closer together, thinking he wasn't so bad and that others had no right to interfere - I suspect a lot of us can relate to that ...
totally, that`s what i meant by counter productive. i think you`re right about the age thing too.
OP your mate is getting to have sex with this girl and he probably wants to continue to do so. If you had a partner what would you be rather doing, being with your mates wishing you could be having sex or actually having sex?
So rather than rock the boat (no pun intended) he is putting up with her strange/insecure habits, so she will continue to have sex with him. Eventually her domineering ways will annoy him that much he will ditch her. Until this happens just be there for him.
totally, that`s what i meant by counter productive. i think you`re right about the age thing too.
Indeed, when someone is living with the person then there is the issue of beaking up/losing house etc hence the cognitive dissonance of the situation comes in (i.e. ignoring the facts) and the getting closer to the person is one way of tryingt o persaude oneself that they are OK.
In the OPs case - not living together etc there would, most likely, only be the 'need someone' issue...which is understandable...being in a realtionship and with someone is good...maybe some people think it's better than being single even if there is a destrutive part in it.
No not a sensitive little flower, just think when someone is asking for advice like the OP was, because he's worried about his friend, being told things like "get a girlfriend" and, "mind your own business" is uncalled for.
It's actually very sensible advice, although bluntly put.
I was reading a book on abusive relationships recently - in one case study the victim said that hearing a lot of criticism of her partner actually pushed them closer together, thinking he wasn't so bad and that others had no right to interfere - I suspect a lot of us can relate to that ...
She's already seperating him from his friends, offering unasked for advice which is could be seen as anti the girlfriend is one sure way to put a strain on a friendship and will only make him more inclined to believe her when she also says about you that you don't like her or are hostile which makes it unpleasant to be around you.
I dunno, sometimes friends telling you how it is, can help. When i was in a relationship with a paranoid, controlling person the whole situation crept up on me so slowly, I barely registered it. And my friends were too 'nice' to object. Looking back - I wish they had. Slowly, he cut me off from every single friend and relative.
I have a young relative now, and everyone hates the way she talks to her fiance in front of us all. She will tell him he is sweaty, or smells, or something (not that she is any better herself), which you'd think would be humiliating, but he just takes it goodnaturedly. I cringe for him. None of us say anything, but everyone says behind her back that they hate the way she speaks to him and maybe, in the light of my own experience with the control-freak, I should say summat...
I look back and wish my mates had spoken up. They just tried to show me they still loved me, with their kind actions but no-one had the balls to be direct, look me in the eye and say "This is turning into a very bad situation". By the time they might have - he had squeezed them all out.
I dont think anyone should get involed with other people relationships, Even worse when this person has not even asked or hinted that they are unhappy or need help or advice. And the kind of people who cannot say what is right or wrong in a relationship are the people who have never been in a relationship. My be he just does not want to be one of the boys anymore. Age teachers alot about life and people.If i had relationship problems i would not talk to someone who has never had one. People learn more from life by making mistakes if that is what your freind is doing.
It's somewhat odd that no-one seems to have noticed the OP said later in the thread that he had Asperger's Syndrome, so could well be completely mistaken about what is going on, on account of the traits of Asperger's being, among others, lack of empathy, difficulty in social interaction, and decreased perception of non-verbal ques.
It's somewhat odd that no-one seems to have noticed the OP said later in the thread that he had Asperger's Syndrome, so could well be completely mistaken about what is going on, on account of the traits of Asperger's being, among others, lack of empathy, difficulty in social interaction, and decreased perception of non-verbal ques.
And what about the OP's friends that have also noticed what's going on? Have they all got some sort of syndrome that means they're mistaken too?
And what about the OP's friends that have also noticed what's going on? Have they all got some sort of syndrome that means they're mistaken too?
That's not what the OP says. He says there is a rift between them because she had a fight with a female friend. It's perfectly logical that fighting with one of them would cause a rift with the rest and she would get the blame for it. That doesn't mean that the other things the OP has noticed have also been noticed by others, and without prompting.
Comments
No not a sensitive little flower, just think when someone is asking for advice like the OP was, because he's worried about his friend, being told things like "get a girlfriend" and, "mind your own business" is uncalled for.
that was my advice, to keep his nose out. which he should.
Fair enough, but should he though? Say if you were concerned about a friend, wouldn't you want to ask them if things are okay or look out for them?
asking if someone is ok is not the same as "acting on" something, i wouldn`t dream of giving any of my friends unsolicited advice or meddling in their personal relationships and it wouldn`t be well received by me either.
it`s a very quick way to lose friends.
the best thing the op can do is wait until they`re asked for an opinion and be there if it all goes tits up.
I think most people, if they saw their friend being controlled or feared they were in an emotionally abusive relationship, would raise their concerns with that friend. That's one reason abuse stops or people get help for it, with help from friends or family. I completely agree with the OP wanting to see if their friend is okay, that's what a decent friend does.
helping a friend is the right thing to do in such a situation if they`ve asked for it, otherwise it`s more likely to offend and be counter productive.
Thanks mate, it's no skin off my nose though, it's gives them something to do:D
I was going to reply to the 'bullying' comment but thought better of it. Frightlever is obviously not familiar with Christian Grey's posting history.
I don't think some people realise the difference between the two, it's a shame, because they think they're doing the right thing by constantly saying 'mind your own business, get your own girlfriend then you won't be so worried by other peoples relationships' etc, but really they're making themselves look silly. They either don't know the difference between being bossed around and being controlled, or they've never had a friend that they care about before.
Anyway, we've all pretty much said the same thing with regards to not saying anything to the friend, I don't think certain people need to keep repeating themselves over and over again. There's not much more that can be contributed to this thread.
i have been in a highly abusive and controlling relationship myself and would`ve been mortified if anyone tried to give me advice unasked, it would`ve been extremely patronising unhelpful and increased my anguish.
and it`s more often than not the messenger who gets shot and the message ignored.
I completely agree with you, which is why all the way through this thread I have said not to say anything. Just in a more polite way, at the end of the day the OP is just concerned for his friend.
I agree with that statement
What people say and what they do are different things. Speak to him about this after they have broken up. It is up to him what he puts up with in relationships.
There a re times in relationships that people become controlled and 'don't realise it' particularly but because they 'are in love' or 'need someone' etc they don't see it even though it is detrimental to their well-being.
Also, if he's being bullied he may not feel he can do anything...it's easy simply saying keep out of it or 'he'll leave her if he wants to'...sometimes it can be difficult and he might need more support than one thinks...maybe he is thinking about dumping her but can't do it or may needs support.
OP: If he's talking to you about it ask him if he's OK with that and be a bit blunt if you need to be especially if you are good open friends.
Very true. I think the older we get the more we learn that we have to leave other people to make their own decisions and lead their own lives - whether their problem is an abusive partner/alcoholism/an eating disorder, whatever generally the best we can do is offer a listening ear/a shoulder to cry on. When it comes to abusive relationships I think it's best to remain as neutral as possible unless asked directly for advice. I was reading a book on abusive relationships recently - in one case study the victim said that hearing a lot of criticism of her partner actually pushed them closer together, thinking he wasn't so bad and that others had no right to interfere - I suspect a lot of us can relate to that ...
totally, that`s what i meant by counter productive. i think you`re right about the age thing too.
So rather than rock the boat (no pun intended) he is putting up with her strange/insecure habits, so she will continue to have sex with him. Eventually her domineering ways will annoy him that much he will ditch her. Until this happens just be there for him.
Indeed, when someone is living with the person then there is the issue of beaking up/losing house etc hence the cognitive dissonance of the situation comes in (i.e. ignoring the facts) and the getting closer to the person is one way of tryingt o persaude oneself that they are OK.
In the OPs case - not living together etc there would, most likely, only be the 'need someone' issue...which is understandable...being in a realtionship and with someone is good...maybe some people think it's better than being single even if there is a destrutive part in it.
It's actually very sensible advice, although bluntly put.
She's already seperating him from his friends, offering unasked for advice which is could be seen as anti the girlfriend is one sure way to put a strain on a friendship and will only make him more inclined to believe her when she also says about you that you don't like her or are hostile which makes it unpleasant to be around you.
I have a young relative now, and everyone hates the way she talks to her fiance in front of us all. She will tell him he is sweaty, or smells, or something (not that she is any better herself), which you'd think would be humiliating, but he just takes it goodnaturedly. I cringe for him. None of us say anything, but everyone says behind her back that they hate the way she speaks to him and maybe, in the light of my own experience with the control-freak, I should say summat...
I look back and wish my mates had spoken up. They just tried to show me they still loved me, with their kind actions but no-one had the balls to be direct, look me in the eye and say "This is turning into a very bad situation". By the time they might have - he had squeezed them all out.
And what about the OP's friends that have also noticed what's going on? Have they all got some sort of syndrome that means they're mistaken too?
That's not what the OP says. He says there is a rift between them because she had a fight with a female friend. It's perfectly logical that fighting with one of them would cause a rift with the rest and she would get the blame for it. That doesn't mean that the other things the OP has noticed have also been noticed by others, and without prompting.