Do you think she can programme the doll to come out with random scottish phrases?
Aye. 'Awa an bile yer heid, yer Bessie.'
Translation: 'P1ss off and boil your head, you rude, bad-tempered woman.'
LJ's translation: 'I adore you, my Lizzy, you delectable siren.'
Aye. 'Awa an bile yer heid, yer Bessie.'
Translation: 'P1ss off and boil your head, you rude, bad-tempered woman.'
LJ's translation: 'I adore you, my Lizzy, you delectable siren.'
Thank you, sunstone, for the compliment. I think all the posters on this forum are wittier and more honest than La Lizard and it's a shame we can't rake in the kind of brass she does. We should collaborate and write a soap called Rock Star Follies, lightly based on the original Rock Follies from the seventies. The original band, The Little Ladies, would become The Little Old Ladies with Liz at the helm and the beautiful Ms Brick and equally devastating Ms Sibury on backing vocals. The male lead, of course, would go to Jim Kerr, but if that weren't possible, I'm sure Rab C. Nesbitt would be available.
Lizzy could really go for the rock chick she clearly thinks she is, and wear her Jimmy Choo biker boots to give her an edgy image.
Horrid thought: Biker boots + LJ's pins = worms in buckets.
hello to the new posters, Happy New Year to you all may wor Liz continue to provide us with much much merriment, mirth and derision throughout 2013.
Badcat, loved your post - and ColdComfort, excellent as always you have Jizzy down to a tee :-)
I too predict a break-up with the FRS this year but let's not forget he dumped her last Vally's day which in typical Liz fashion has never been mentioned again!
So I'm going for another V-day break-up this year (she's too predictable) with the FRS sailing off into the sunset with a young, lithe, honeyed limbed model-type in her late 20's.
I too predict a break-up with the FRS this year but let's not forget he dumped her last Vally's day which in typical Liz fashion has never been mentioned again!
So I'm going for another V-day break-up this year (she's too predictable) with the FRS sailing off into the sunset with a young, lithe, honeyed limbed model-type in her late 20's.
Or, LJ will tell us how she has dumped FRS for FFRS - aka the Fictional French Rock Star. You know how sensitively LJ documents the efforts of newer UK residents to speak English. In which case poor FFRS will sound like Inspector Clouseau/Rene from 'Allo 'Allo! > Must get out more, I know...
Or, LJ will tell us how she has dumped FRS for FFRS - aka the Fictional French Rock Star. You know how sensitively LJ documents the efforts of newer UK residents to speak English. In which case poor FFRS will sound like Inspector Clouseau/Rene from 'Allo 'Allo! > Must get out more, I know...
Oh lots of comedic "Allo" "what?" "allo" "don't you know I'm deaf you insensitive git" conversations
I suspect RS will be dumped for anonymous multimillionaire who owns half of Yorkshire and we will be sent on the trail of a mysterious but coy aristocrat:D
I have been a lurker on this thread for so long and have decided to pop my head up as well.
I have disliked this woman for so many years now. We get the Mail at the weekends and the first thing we do on a Sunday morning with our cup of tea is "find out what the witch is moaning about this time" by reading the back of the mag.
There is seriously something wrong with her brain...
I use hearing aids and would ruddy well love to be given the hearings aids she tested out that time. Do I have 2-4 grand to splash out on them? nope. Do I moan that hearing aids "make me produce more earwax"? Seriously?? Seriously??! You can HEAR again you bizarre woman!
And her moaning about the country and "how hard it was for her" made me want to walk barefoot to where she lived, ring the doorbell, slap her in the face, remove the dogs from her care (dogs are NOT children substitutes you dried up hag) and walk home again (and I live in the wrong end of the country).
And the reason you have no friends my dear is buying something expensive for someone and then writing in a national paper about how ungrateful they are when they don't thankyou every single moment of the day means they will figure out how shallow you are.
And stop complaining that you have no money when you seem to spend a fortune preening yourself. Give up... it isn't making you look any better or younger.
OH NO!!! I didn't wipe the bottom of the milk carton before I put it back in the fridge.. and I let my partner put his legs on top of the duvet if he gets too hot at night without worrying that he is creasing our egyptian cotton 400 thread count duvet cover.
I met someone a few weeks back on a course who lived in the same part of Exmoor is LJ. (I live in a seaside town near to the edge of Exmoor which she has moaned about more than a few times!) She told me the resident's side of the story, which unsurprisingly is VERY different to how LJ tells it! She was rude to people in the local shop, declined many invites to socialise and get involved and really got up everyone's noses with her unrealistic expectations of what Exmoor would be like.
She expected small village shops, tiny bistros and pubs to provide the same 24hr service and niche products as she could get in specialist places in London.
From what I've been told, Exmoor is more than happy to see the back of her!
I live in a rural area. The Post Office closes on Wednesday afternoon and Saturday afternoon. The butchers closes when he has sold up for the day. The closest thing we have to a supermarket is a Co-Op smaller than a Tescos Express in some places. We have 4 pubs, most dont do food on a night at this time of year so we have a Fish & Chip shop. Its really not that hard. You go to the shops whilst they are open. Asda deliver out here, so if you want something different, order online.
On the other side of the coin, we are a friendly community. People help the elderly, we have barely any crime, and we can all cook.
I live in a rural area. The Post Office closes on Wednesday afternoon and Saturday afternoon. The butchers closes when he has sold up for the day. The closest thing we have to a supermarket is a Co-Op smaller than a Tescos Express in some places. We have 4 pubs, most dont do food on a night at this time of year so we have a Fish & Chip shop. Its really not that hard. You go to the shops whilst they are open. Asda deliver out here, so if you want something different, order online.
On the other side of the coin, we are a friendly community. People help the elderly, we have barely any crime, and we can all cook.
Isnt that just not the biggest pile of drivel? Why have no comments been published? Surely not everyone was as "WTF?" as I was.....
Asda? Blimmin ASDA? Sarah, you can't POSSIBLY think that Jizzard would demean herself to shop at ASDA?! The very thought. That's for commoners, surely? Don't Harvey Nicks deliver out there? How can you survive?!!
Christ, Asda probably don't even stock Illy coffee
Asda? Blimmin ASDA? Sarah, you can't POSSIBLY think that Jizzard would demean herself to shop at ASDA?! The very thought. That's for commoners, surely? Don't Harvey Nicks deliver out there? How can you survive?!!
Christ, Asda probably don't even stock Illy coffee
Well I know haha. But they are the only ones who deliver to we paupers out here. I dont think even Tescos come out this far so we have to make the best of it and sacrifice our IIIy coffee for Nescafe. The affluent amongst us do have Ringtons tea and filter coffee brought to the door in wicker baskets though.
We'd be grateful for a lump of coal as a gift from a passing rock star. Saves having to bring bags of it from the local depot in the boot of the car
If this poor man is real, I'll have him. I don't care about his rockstarriness, he just seems like a man far too nice for this harridan.
And I don't have prawns in my bed.
Or tins of cat food hopefully
Seriously, how could she possibly expect sex with an "All They can Eat Cat Buffet" laid out and 16 cats ready with their scorecards a la Strictly Come Bonking? Anyone with a cat knows how offputting ONE can be as they supervise intimate moments, let alone 16 of them sat around with their critical faces on.....
Seriously, how could she possibly expect sex with an "All They can Eat Cat Buffet" laid out and 16 cats ready with their scorecards a la Strictly Come Bonking? Anyone with a cat knows how offputting ONE can be as they supervise intimate moments, let alone 16 of them sat around with their critical faces on.....
"Seven!!!"
Yes they do like to watch and a firmly closed door is essential:o
Yes they do like to watch and a firmly closed door is essential:o
Its small wonder she never "gets any".... It must be seriously weird to perform in front of so many prying little eyes staring at you. If Hitchcock made Porn........... :eek:
Comments
Because he's not actually real
I had my suspicions...http://i.istockimg.com/file_thumbview_approve/11384229/2/stock-photo-11384229-male-blow-up-doll.jpg
Aye. 'Awa an bile yer heid, yer Bessie.'
Translation: 'P1ss off and boil your head, you rude, bad-tempered woman.'
LJ's translation: 'I adore you, my Lizzy, you delectable siren.'
Girls, I think I've found our man...
http://i726.photobucket.com/albums/ww263/Bee1603/LizJonesRS_zpsa3291bb5.jpg
Lizard can't make the RS sound Scottish when she's quoting him in her 'column', so I doubt it!
Lizzy could really go for the rock chick she clearly thinks she is, and wear her Jimmy Choo biker boots to give her an edgy image.
Horrid thought: Biker boots + LJ's pins = worms in buckets.
Badcat, loved your post - and ColdComfort, excellent as always you have Jizzy down to a tee :-)
I too predict a break-up with the FRS this year but let's not forget he dumped her last Vally's day which in typical Liz fashion has never been mentioned again!
So I'm going for another V-day break-up this year (she's too predictable) with the FRS sailing off into the sunset with a young, lithe, honeyed limbed model-type in her late 20's.
Or, LJ will tell us how she has dumped FRS for FFRS - aka the Fictional French Rock Star. You know how sensitively LJ documents the efforts of newer UK residents to speak English. In which case poor FFRS will sound like Inspector Clouseau/Rene from 'Allo 'Allo! > Must get out more, I know...
Oh lots of comedic "Allo" "what?" "allo" "don't you know I'm deaf you insensitive git" conversations
I suspect RS will be dumped for anonymous multimillionaire who owns half of Yorkshire and we will be sent on the trail of a mysterious but coy aristocrat:D
Great post! Welcome to the thread
I live in a rural area. The Post Office closes on Wednesday afternoon and Saturday afternoon. The butchers closes when he has sold up for the day. The closest thing we have to a supermarket is a Co-Op smaller than a Tescos Express in some places. We have 4 pubs, most dont do food on a night at this time of year so we have a Fish & Chip shop. Its really not that hard. You go to the shops whilst they are open. Asda deliver out here, so if you want something different, order online.
On the other side of the coin, we are a friendly community. People help the elderly, we have barely any crime, and we can all cook.
Isnt that just not the biggest pile of drivel? Why have no comments been published? Surely not everyone was as "WTF?" as I was.....
Asda? Blimmin ASDA? Sarah, you can't POSSIBLY think that Jizzard would demean herself to shop at ASDA?! The very thought. That's for commoners, surely? Don't Harvey Nicks deliver out there? How can you survive?!!
Christ, Asda probably don't even stock Illy coffee
Well I know haha. But they are the only ones who deliver to we paupers out here. I dont think even Tescos come out this far so we have to make the best of it and sacrifice our IIIy coffee for Nescafe. The affluent amongst us do have Ringtons tea and filter coffee brought to the door in wicker baskets though.
We'd be grateful for a lump of coal as a gift from a passing rock star. Saves having to bring bags of it from the local depot in the boot of the car
And I don't have prawns in my bed.
Or tins of cat food hopefully
Seriously, how could she possibly expect sex with an "All They can Eat Cat Buffet" laid out and 16 cats ready with their scorecards a la Strictly Come Bonking? Anyone with a cat knows how offputting ONE can be as they supervise intimate moments, let alone 16 of them sat around with their critical faces on.....
"Seven!!!"
Yes they do like to watch and a firmly closed door is essential:o
Its small wonder she never "gets any".... It must be seriously weird to perform in front of so many prying little eyes staring at you. If Hitchcock made Porn........... :eek: