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Called into my son's nursery today about my dad's inappropriate behaviour
The Wizard
Posts: 11,071 Forum Member
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My dad sometimes picks my son up from nursery when I'm busy or like today when I struggled to walk back with the pram in the snow.
Today he picked him up and dropped him off at home and I thought he looked a bit stressed and in a hurry but thought nothing of it.
Later this afternoon I had a call from the nursery to come in to see the manager about an 'incident' that happened today. Upon going we were presented with a letter of concern re my dad's behaviour when he picked my son up.
He went in really stressed saying bloody hurry up come on bloody come on and don't mess me about etc. He wouldn't come as asked as he wanted to play with the toys but obviously my dad hadn't got the patience and wanted him to move right away but he's only 2 and a half and still doesn't fully understand. The key worker said he was really rough with him while putting his coat on and dragged him by his arm which made him trip over. He said,look what you've bloody done now (like it was my son's fault) and stormed out slamming doors and she said that on the way out they heard a slap and my son started crying.
The nursery were concerned about his behaviour and when I got home my wife rang my mum who went all defensive saying that the nursery must be blowing it all out of proportion and turned it round on us saying how dare you even suspect your father of being abusive to his own grandson. We just wanted to get to the bottom of what went on but my mum said they must be lying which I don't believe and my wife said that it was inappropriate. Dad was shouting and bawling in the background saying if this is how we feel about it then forget it and don't come round here ever again and don't ask me any more favours and said were not welcome at his house again.
I don't want to fall out with anyone but I seriously can't see the nursery making stuff up. He says he never hit or slapped him and said the slap noise was when he fell over on his way out. Possibly true but that still doesn't excuse his other behaviour and swearing in front of other kiddies. The nursery worker was in tears about it.
The manager also told us that on a previous occasion when he's picked him up he's threatened to give him a smack if he didn't come right away. Today was the first we knew about this.
We do occasionally smack his hand if he's naughty buy don't approve of anyone else doing it and certainly wouldn't do it in front of nursery workers or other children/parents. Allegedly he was reported as saying, 'if you don't come now you're gonna get a smack but don't tell your mum'. We're really shocked and disappointed.
Where for we go from here?
Today he picked him up and dropped him off at home and I thought he looked a bit stressed and in a hurry but thought nothing of it.
Later this afternoon I had a call from the nursery to come in to see the manager about an 'incident' that happened today. Upon going we were presented with a letter of concern re my dad's behaviour when he picked my son up.
He went in really stressed saying bloody hurry up come on bloody come on and don't mess me about etc. He wouldn't come as asked as he wanted to play with the toys but obviously my dad hadn't got the patience and wanted him to move right away but he's only 2 and a half and still doesn't fully understand. The key worker said he was really rough with him while putting his coat on and dragged him by his arm which made him trip over. He said,look what you've bloody done now (like it was my son's fault) and stormed out slamming doors and she said that on the way out they heard a slap and my son started crying.
The nursery were concerned about his behaviour and when I got home my wife rang my mum who went all defensive saying that the nursery must be blowing it all out of proportion and turned it round on us saying how dare you even suspect your father of being abusive to his own grandson. We just wanted to get to the bottom of what went on but my mum said they must be lying which I don't believe and my wife said that it was inappropriate. Dad was shouting and bawling in the background saying if this is how we feel about it then forget it and don't come round here ever again and don't ask me any more favours and said were not welcome at his house again.
I don't want to fall out with anyone but I seriously can't see the nursery making stuff up. He says he never hit or slapped him and said the slap noise was when he fell over on his way out. Possibly true but that still doesn't excuse his other behaviour and swearing in front of other kiddies. The nursery worker was in tears about it.
The manager also told us that on a previous occasion when he's picked him up he's threatened to give him a smack if he didn't come right away. Today was the first we knew about this.
We do occasionally smack his hand if he's naughty buy don't approve of anyone else doing it and certainly wouldn't do it in front of nursery workers or other children/parents. Allegedly he was reported as saying, 'if you don't come now you're gonna get a smack but don't tell your mum'. We're really shocked and disappointed.
Where for we go from here?
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Comments
Yes I intend to but not sure if it's got sound or just pictures. I can't see them lying. It would be more than their job is worth. I know my dad loves my son to bits but he's really hot headed and a bit short tempered. I'm not sticking up for him but I honestly believe he can't see any wrong in how he's behaved but we simply can't have this kind of thing on our record.
Putting my son aside for one second. For starters it's not appropriate to storm into a nursey shouting bloody this, bloody that etc. If I was a parent of another child I wouldn't be best pleased at that on it's own let alone being rough with a child. It's bang out of order whether he meant it or not.
The fact that he's got all defensive and abusive with us about it only reinforces matters.
In regards to what to do about your Dad. I really don't know. It's tough. Have you asked him to explain his side of events?
My wife tried to ring him this afternoon but he threw the phone over to my mum and my wife was perfectly civil just explaining what had been said and dad was bawling in the background. I tried talking to mum but she just hung up on us. Think it's best to give them time to cool off but we don't feel we should be the ones who need to apologise. They are very good at diverting the blame/guilt and at the end of the day the nursery were just doing their job and it's only fair we ask what it's all about but my mum always sticks up for my dad's behaviour even when he's in the wrong. I don't feel I have anything to apologise for. If it was your kids I'm sure you'd be asking the same questions.
Once or twice but mainly he rulled with his tongue. Always shouting and putting the fear of god up me. Before anyone says, 'well why would you trust him with your son then?' Well he's never been like that with my son. He's always been quite calm and placid. But as a dad (to me) I have to admit he was a bit of an arse.
Even now I find it difficult to be around him without him trying to cause an argument but never for one second would I have thought he'd chastise a 2 year old. I'm.SO angry but right now I feel like it's us that's been made to feel like the arseholes and what makes me most angry is that mum always sticks up for his appalling behaviour like it's perfectly normal and we're the ones overreacting.
But I would still recommend a surprise visit, they won't turn you away..Surely? You need to get this sorted out with your Dad, ASAP.
The reason i ask if, if its a sudden change in his behaviour could be that theres an issue?
When I was young i went to ballet classes. these were run by a kind old lady. she welcomed disabled people in the classes and effectively "humoured them" i.e they werent really doing it but she just said things like great perfect! anyway one day she just started getting so frustrated with them screaming and shouting and also hitting them. At the time i thought she was a b**** but found out when i was older she had alzheimers and was put in a home shortly after that. Perhaps your dad is also starting to deteriorate in some way?
I fear the bloke will never alter. Once an arse always an arsenic perhaps.
I don't for one minute think the nursery are making it up especially reading your parents reactions. He may have slapped your son and that's something for you and him to sort out (with respective wives there too) but it could be that his overreaction is down to feeling bad for shouting etc, feeling embarrassed if he was talked to by the nursery staff and also knowing you and your wife's reaction.
Do your parents frequently look after your son as a regular arrangement and if so does your Dad normally take up this much involvement with your son? I agree that the nursery would have no reason to make this up and it's good you're not completely ignoring what they supposedly saw and I appreciate your concerns with him acting like that in such a setting. I would suggest try speaking to your Mum and even perhaps subtly questioning your son about what happened when he got picked up?
No. He's always been a bad tempered arsehole but he's only ever been like that with me and my mum and for most of our life I've been made to feel like it's us and the stress of him running a pub that's been responsible for him being uptight but what's his excuse now he's retired. I only said last week to my mum that dad seems more irritated now he's retired than he's been in years but even so he's never once showed any anger or bad temper towards my son. He's always been very loving, patient and easy going.
Nothing was mentioned to my dad at the time. The nursery contacted us first and it was only then we rang him to find out what happened and he got all uptight and threw the phone over to my mum. That's when he kicked off and went all defensive and told us to stay away from him.in future.
My son isn't talking yet. He's only 2 and a half and still only managing a few words. He couldn't string a sentence together let alone be able to tell me what happened.
My parents babysit regular. My mum comes down here (my house) once a week so we can go out to the leisure centre or the gym and once a month we drop him off at theirs so we can go out on a weekend for a few hours for a night out and we stay over at theirs. Occasionally my dad will pick him up from nursery if I'm stuck or like today when the ice and snow was so bad I didn't fancy venturing out with the pram. I don't have a car and it was pretty slippery and hard going this morning so I asked him if he'd mind picking him up for me and bringing him home so I didn't have to walk all the way back in the bad weather.
"Did Grandpa pick you up?"
"Was it nice to see him?"
"Did you show him the toys?"
"Did he help you put your coat on?"
"Did you fall in the snow?"
He can say yeah and shake his head for no. He says isskit (biscuit), cat, car, ike (bike), bed, bath, dinner, moman (snowman) manman (spaceman) Barwy (Barry his favourite book) ish (fish) joje (George - our pet cat), book, mummy, daddy/dada, bubble, narna (bannana) ick-ock (clock), Nana, tacta (tractor) and says ah-ah-ah for hot and wssheen for washing machine and dink when he wants a drink and appy for nappy. That's pretty much his vocabulary right now.
I doubt the questions you mentioned above would provide any conclusive evidence to what's happened. Ask him any question and it's either yeah to everything or he just won't answer. He's not that advanced yet.
I agree with this. As a parent myself I wouldn't think twice about directly tacking him about this. Why does this even need a thread? Sort it out.
Blimey! I hope you can get it sorted in whichever way is best for you. It's a toughie juggling the parents when you are one yourself, I don't envy you. Good luck.
You could ask him why he was so irritated and stressed - there may be other factors to explain his behaviour.