Options
A terrible marriage and what are my options when the time comes?
I’ve been married for 17 years, and it has been a misery almost from day one. It would be unfair to blame my wife completely as these things are always subjective, but it is true that we come from completely different backgrounds and are in almost every possible respect like chalk and cheese. I was 45 when I married her (it was my first marriage) and I did so because I got her pregnant. I didn’t feel obliged to, but nor did I want an abortion (if she didn’t, which she didn’t) or be a stay-a-way dad. I also thought it would be my last chance of family life and at the time didn’t know my wife at all well. I soon found out that what I did know and had liked was not at all typical of her at all.
So it wasn’t a live match for me and it turned out she had had a crush on me for some time and lord knows what future she had imagined was, but it became very obvious quite soon after we married that it wasn’t going to be as she imagined and that things would be difficult. As I say, we are like chalk and cheese. Certainly I have my faults (a sharp tongue being one of them) but as a rule I far, far prefer to get on with people, settle things amicably and generally give way if I think that is the best solution (though I’m certainly no pushover).
Everything has to be done her way. There is no compromise whatsoever, none at all. Everything is black and white. A few years ago, there was a rift in her family, stemming from a disagreement between her father and her sister-in-law, and she sided with her sister-in-law and cut her father out of her life completely. It was as though he was a non person. I have never seen anyone behave as ruthlessly as she did. (They are, incidentally, a Cornish farming family and I hope I’m not giving too much away so that we can be identified. Tony Other is not my real name).
Much the same has now happened to me. From being the subject of whatever fantasy she once had, I am not also something of a non person. She barely talks to me, if ever, and when she does it is to tell me not to do something or could I get some milk or some such. As a marriage it is non-existent.
Years ago, I tried to persuade her to go to Relate, but she refused. I went twice but it was obvious it was pointless going if she didn’t go. Finally, she was persuaded to go by her father (this was before the rift) to ‘put her side of things’ (I tried to explain it wasn’t a court of law) but after that first time she refused to go again because she felt the Relate woman and I ‘were ganging up on her’. She will argue about the silliest thing (there’s the old Jewish joke about a mother giving her son two ties for his birthday. He comes down wearing one of them and she asks: ‘And what’s wrong with the other one, then?’ That’s my wife to a T.) It doesn’t help that she is not the sharpest blade in the box, and is very parochial.
We have two children one going on 17, the other going on 14. I long ago decided that when they were both more or less independent I would pack my bags and leave. It would have nothing to do with another women, it’s just that it really does upset me too much to be virtually ignored in my own home, live in virtual silence and if I’m going to be lonely, when it is just us two in the house, I would prefer to be living on my own. I don’t necessarily want a divorce, but I’m buggered if I’m going to support her in any way after the way she treats me (and knows how she treats me). She will have her own house, a very nice cottage, and will still be of working age.
So what would my options be (bearing in mind it will not be for an other 7/8 years)? Once there are no dependent children, would I still be obliged to support her? Or could we simply go our separate ways?
So it wasn’t a live match for me and it turned out she had had a crush on me for some time and lord knows what future she had imagined was, but it became very obvious quite soon after we married that it wasn’t going to be as she imagined and that things would be difficult. As I say, we are like chalk and cheese. Certainly I have my faults (a sharp tongue being one of them) but as a rule I far, far prefer to get on with people, settle things amicably and generally give way if I think that is the best solution (though I’m certainly no pushover).
Everything has to be done her way. There is no compromise whatsoever, none at all. Everything is black and white. A few years ago, there was a rift in her family, stemming from a disagreement between her father and her sister-in-law, and she sided with her sister-in-law and cut her father out of her life completely. It was as though he was a non person. I have never seen anyone behave as ruthlessly as she did. (They are, incidentally, a Cornish farming family and I hope I’m not giving too much away so that we can be identified. Tony Other is not my real name).
Much the same has now happened to me. From being the subject of whatever fantasy she once had, I am not also something of a non person. She barely talks to me, if ever, and when she does it is to tell me not to do something or could I get some milk or some such. As a marriage it is non-existent.
Years ago, I tried to persuade her to go to Relate, but she refused. I went twice but it was obvious it was pointless going if she didn’t go. Finally, she was persuaded to go by her father (this was before the rift) to ‘put her side of things’ (I tried to explain it wasn’t a court of law) but after that first time she refused to go again because she felt the Relate woman and I ‘were ganging up on her’. She will argue about the silliest thing (there’s the old Jewish joke about a mother giving her son two ties for his birthday. He comes down wearing one of them and she asks: ‘And what’s wrong with the other one, then?’ That’s my wife to a T.) It doesn’t help that she is not the sharpest blade in the box, and is very parochial.
We have two children one going on 17, the other going on 14. I long ago decided that when they were both more or less independent I would pack my bags and leave. It would have nothing to do with another women, it’s just that it really does upset me too much to be virtually ignored in my own home, live in virtual silence and if I’m going to be lonely, when it is just us two in the house, I would prefer to be living on my own. I don’t necessarily want a divorce, but I’m buggered if I’m going to support her in any way after the way she treats me (and knows how she treats me). She will have her own house, a very nice cottage, and will still be of working age.
So what would my options be (bearing in mind it will not be for an other 7/8 years)? Once there are no dependent children, would I still be obliged to support her? Or could we simply go our separate ways?
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Comments
Nice guy. Your wife, however bad the marriage, gave up her life to support you, and you're trying to wiggle out of supporting her if you separate? Sorry, but she's entitled to 50% whatever. People like you are why we have laws to protect women's rights.
Good luck with finding another woman when you're 70 years old, too. you sound like a real prince.
Why wait if you are all miserable? You might be dead in 7/8 years.
You will have to pay though.
Nah - he's only 22 :rolleyes:.
No, this is not a wind-up and my wife didn't 'give up her life to support me'. Nor am I looking for another woman. I pay all the bills - electricity, oil and council tax, including for her car (MoT, insurance and tax), in addition I give her £80 a week purely for food and whatever other domestic stuff is needed. In addition, I pay for several other things. She works on her brother's farm when it suits her (i.e. if she doesn't want to work on any given day, she doesn't) and when years ago I was jobless and asked her whether she could get better paid job and help out a bit till I was back on my feet, she refused point-blank.
Whatever else my faults, I'm not taking her for a ride. I just hate living in the emotionless, sterile, silent vacuum when I am by nature (believe it or not) sociable, gregarious and easygoing. At present I work in London for four days a week and have plenty of friends, but the idea of retiring and living like some recluse down here in deepest Cornwall, sharing a house with a woman for whom I more or less don't exist (except when she needs money) does not thrill me at all to put it mildly.
But this is the point: why should I pay? The house we live in is wholly in her name, I paid for central heating to be installed and have footed the bill for various other measures. I can fully understand why a departing spouse should pay for any still dependent children but once there are none, it would be equitable for both to go their own way. Surely in these days of supposed equality a man and a woman should, all other things being equal, be treated equally. She would not be homeless. And I want to live with my children for as long as possible. I love being with them.
Why do you and the other guy assume this is a joke? It's not. What is remotely funny about what I've written?
Your kids may not be independant even after 7 or 8 years (its nigh on impossible for graduates to find jobs at the moment so could be much longer) so I dont see how different it would be for you to leave now or 7/8 years time.
I'm presuming you will still provide for your children and certainly any court will ensure it too. They are old enough now to understand and hopefully accept it so why live in misery for longer?
Either way when you divorce the courts will be the decider on how your wife will be supported in the future, even if you didn't want to provide for her, you may not have a choice.
See the response to others who think this is intended as a 'joke'. Of all the response I might have expected, that is the least likely. Bizarre. Just why would anyone give such apparently real detail for the hell of it. I've got better things to do.
fine, that's all perfectly understandable, I don't believe anyone should stay in a loveless marriage.
best thing to do is get proper legal advice about what she's likely to be entitled to
also don't expect her to be thrilled about it and don't think that she won't file for divorce however much you don't want one. I suspect if you tell her you're off, she probably won't care too much about what you want
you also need to think about how you tell your children. speaking as someone whose parents split up when i was in my late teens, I'd say its very painful because you have more of an understanding of how unhappy your parents are. also don't use your children as weapons or messengers to each other! god how I hated the phrase "well you tell your father/mother blah blah blah"
Well, I don't think any child, whether 14 or 22, can 'understand' in that sense'. What they can do at 22 etc is deal with it better. But I have met too many unhappy people whose parents split up when the were under ten or were teenagers to want to inflict that on them. Yes, of course, I could be dead in 7/8 time. But as far as I am concerned, my children and their happiness come before mine. When they are in their early 20s they should be able to handle the break-up of their parents marriage a little better.
You've put your birthdate as 1980 .....
I can understand DS users not wanting to use their real name etc but putting a false birthdate?
And if you're genuine, just divorce her, stop pussy footing around and living a lie for several more years. Most children - whatever their age - handle their parents getting divorced in the end. My cousins were around 10 and 12 when their parents divorced in the 80's, they're totally fine.
Thank you for that, the first sane response so far. Becoming a father at the late age of 45 was the best thing that has happened to me ever, and as every parent will know, you change (I hope for the better) in all kinds of, usually quite subtle, ways. As I said from the outset, I shan't be doing anything for many a year to come and I shall, of course, get legal advice.
What I should perhaps have mentioned is that my wife know perfectly well what the situation is and almost seems to enjoy being cold an unpleasant. In some ways she seems to have the mentality of a primary school child who sees everything in primary colours. As I said I was astounded (shocked wouldn't be too strong a word) by how ruthlessly she cut her father out of her life. It went on for several years and it took her mother's, eventually terminal illness, to bring the family back together again. But I, too, have now been cut out in a similar way. I don't mean to be unkind, but I should repeat that she is not quite the sharpest blade in the box, i.e. I don't think she has much insight into her own or other's behaviour.
Quite simply because I want to be with my children for as long as possible. They grow up fast enough as it is and the time will come far too soon when they want to go off and lead their own lives.
Yes, because I really don't want to be identified. TonyOther is fictitious as are my personal details. As it is anyone who know me, my wife and our area would be able to work out in half a second who I am. For the record my birthdate is 21/11/49. I shall be 64 next November.
But what I have written is true. There would be no point in such a silly wind-up.
And I disagree with 'most children handling divorce'. I've come across too many who didn't.
Anyone visiting my home would not notice 'an atmosphere' or anything like that. As far as I know my children are very happy and that's the way I should like to keep it. I also have a good relationship with both.
If explained in the right way and sensitively enough then most teenagers can grasp the fact that anyone unhappy in a marriage should divorce.
However that is still your choice as to when you want to leave, but you still wont have a choice about whether you have to support your ex or not.
Maybe I am old-fashioned. Maybe because, although I'm now more or less an atheist, I was brought up as an RC.
You may think they are unaware, but that may not be so. You've already said that you and your wife barely speak and I would think that would be noticed by children of that age.
Unfortunately anyone with no posting history will be accused of being a troll as this forum has no many.
But the reason why people suggest to leave now rather than stick it out is because resentment and bitterness could be worse for your children than a fake marriage.
however you seem to have been able to put up a front for this long so I guess you can continue it longer.
If you are waiting 7 years then you won't be earning and I imagine everything would just split down the middle.
I would just leave now if you're that unhappy. Maybe get accomodation close to the family home so you can still see your kids. At the age they are they won't want to be separated from their friends to stay for weekends.