Sorry if I'm being dense but if he lost his independence how did he take you to and from hospital?
He doesn't drive anymore. He can't. He uses a wheelchair. He helped me via taxis. Again, he paid for it out of his own pocket. Which is why it makes me think he must feel for me more than normal. The taxis itself must have cost - over the 2/3 weeks - about £200+.
He doesn't drive anymore. He can't. He uses a wheelchair. He helped me via taxis. Again, he paid for it out of his own pocket. Which is why it makes me think he must feel for me more than normal. The taxis itself must have cost - over the 2/3 weeks - about £200+.
If this tale is true, which in itself I am doubting, then you are a really horrible sister and aunt. If this is made up, then seriously, get a life.
I would imagine he accepts your sister's cheating because he thinks now he's disabled it's her or nothing. It's probably very hard for him. He's probably grateful that she's stuck by him at all.
I've no idea what either of you feel, but unless they actually split up, there's nothing you can do.
2&1/2 months is nothing in bereavement for a parent, particularly as you're grieving for your brother as well. You may be that projecting all your need for security & feelings of love & loss onto him as he's reliably there.
If you made a move & realised you were mistaken in your feelings, you'd lose him, your sister & your niece & you'd have caused him a double loss.
As much as it's nice, and normal, to wander off into a fantasy to help cope with horrible situations, please stop this one before it becomes unhealthy.
Stop and think about the realities of this 'fantasy'. Say that it plays out how you want it to. You express your feelings for him, and he expresses them for you. What then? You think he'd break up with your sister for you? Then what happens? You think your sister, your niece, your family would be happy with the situation? The realities of such things are completely different to the scenarios played out in our heads.
He does not have feelings for you beyond those of a brother. Your brother-in-law cares for you all as a member of your family. Your brother-in-law sat with your dying mother for hours, does this mean he had feelings for her too? Of course not, he did it because he values and cares for you all as family.
With respect, his relationship with your sister is nothing to do with you. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors and how they've both chosen to deal with it. It's none of your concern.
This is a fantasy. Nothing more. It's understandable that in times of extreme circumstances people latch on to whatever helps them get by, but please recognise that this is a fantasy.
As much as it's nice, and normal, to wander off into a fantasy to help cope with horrible situations, please stop this one before it becomes unhealthy.
Stop and think about the realities of this 'fantasy'. Say that it plays out how you want it to. You express your feelings for him, and he expresses them for you. What then? You think he'd break up with your sister for you? Then what happens? You think your sister, your niece, your family would be happy with the situation? The realities of such things are completely different to the scenarios played out in our heads.
He does not have feelings for you beyond those of a brother. Your brother-in-law cares for you all as a member of your family. Your brother-in-law sat with your dying mother for hours, does this mean he had feelings for her too? Of course not, he did it because he values and cares for you all as family.
With respect, his relationship with your sister is nothing to do with you. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors and how they've both chosen to deal with it. It's none of your concern.
This is a fantasy. Nothing more. It's understandable that in times of extreme circumstances people latch on to whatever helps them get by, but please recognise that this is a fantasy.
All the best.
This, exactly. You have been through severe emotional turmoil. Do not mistake his caring for something more and jeopardise your relationships, you could end up with nothing. This is a fantasy, an escape mechanism. Time will heal and you will see this more clearly.
Thing is he is not the kind of guy I would usually go for. He is the exact opposite. If I am falling (or have fallen in love) with a person in a wheelchair then it must be special. I want to give up everything, not that I have much, for him. Just to make his life better. I truly feel that something is bringing us together. There are too many variables at work here that are making him and me come closer.
To me it sounds like you want to rescue him from his wife's infidelity and give him the life you feel he should have.
Rescuing someone rarely works and is often about the needs of the rescuer and the disempowerment of the other party.
My advice would be to treasure the friendship and accept the relationship in those terms.
Your brother-in-law is doing nothing other than being supportive towards his wife's sister. See it for what it is, and seek professional help with your bereavements.
Hi guys. I've been a regular reader of this forum for a few years but only registered yesterday as I require some in regards to a pressing matter. It is about my feelings for a guy that I should not be getting close to. But I can't help it.
You have, for "a few years" read other folks' problems and never felt the urge to register and help them out and you wait till YOU want something ! Seems to be all about "ME ME ME" !
There have been a lot of overly dramatic stories on various forums I've been a member of, over the years, many of which have then be exposed as being fake. It's made me extremely cynical.
If this is genuine, however, then the OP should be seeking professional counselling rather than posting about it on here, as she is possibly being made more upset by people disbelieving her.
I have resisted and will do so. But then there is the thought of making his life better. Because I can make him happy. I am pretty sure he isn't happy right now and there isn't anyone that can think of him. Should be my sister but she is too busy doing her stuff. As far as my thinking goes, he is only with her because of his child. If they separate he might lose that too. Because he is disabled himself and unable to care for a child. Whereas I could. It's just a thought.
That is, if you'll excuse the harshness, a selfish and terrible thought. You may disapprove of your sister, but here you are saying that you want to take her husband and her child! Do you really think she will happily accept a situation where she drops off her daughter with her ex husband and her sister playing happy families?
It's always hard to tell, but I imagine your sister doesn't share a lot of her deeper emotions with you, but rather with the husband who still chooses to be with her.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread - don't you dare make a move that could destroy the happiness of your niece.
If you really care for him and want his life to be better, why don't you speak to your sister (NOT about your feelings for him!) but to point out what a good man she has and ask her what the hell she's playing it. I don't understand why you don't confront her about her behaviour towards him if you are that concerned.
Comments
He doesn't drive anymore. He can't. He uses a wheelchair. He helped me via taxis. Again, he paid for it out of his own pocket. Which is why it makes me think he must feel for me more than normal. The taxis itself must have cost - over the 2/3 weeks - about £200+.
If this tale is true, which in itself I am doubting, then you are a really horrible sister and aunt. If this is made up, then seriously, get a life.
I've no idea what either of you feel, but unless they actually split up, there's nothing you can do.
2&1/2 months is nothing in bereavement for a parent, particularly as you're grieving for your brother as well. You may be that projecting all your need for security & feelings of love & loss onto him as he's reliably there.
If you made a move & realised you were mistaken in your feelings, you'd lose him, your sister & your niece & you'd have caused him a double loss.
Stop and think about the realities of this 'fantasy'. Say that it plays out how you want it to. You express your feelings for him, and he expresses them for you. What then? You think he'd break up with your sister for you? Then what happens? You think your sister, your niece, your family would be happy with the situation? The realities of such things are completely different to the scenarios played out in our heads.
He does not have feelings for you beyond those of a brother. Your brother-in-law cares for you all as a member of your family. Your brother-in-law sat with your dying mother for hours, does this mean he had feelings for her too? Of course not, he did it because he values and cares for you all as family.
With respect, his relationship with your sister is nothing to do with you. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors and how they've both chosen to deal with it. It's none of your concern.
This is a fantasy. Nothing more. It's understandable that in times of extreme circumstances people latch on to whatever helps them get by, but please recognise that this is a fantasy.
All the best.
Sounds like a wind up to me.
Yea, that's what I'm thinking now.
I'm tired...that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it:D
This, exactly. You have been through severe emotional turmoil. Do not mistake his caring for something more and jeopardise your relationships, you could end up with nothing. This is a fantasy, an escape mechanism. Time will heal and you will see this more clearly.
That's what I thought as soon as I'd finished reading the first post.
And what Jen-B said.
But my advice is just to stand clear of this guy. Find someone else to lean on. You know this anyway, or you wouldn't have created thread.
Not a bad attempt though, it has the gritty and salacious feel of a bad Tennessee Williams play that only ran for a few nights off broadway.
To me it sounds like you want to rescue him from his wife's infidelity and give him the life you feel he should have.
Rescuing someone rarely works and is often about the needs of the rescuer and the disempowerment of the other party.
My advice would be to treasure the friendship and accept the relationship in those terms.
You have, for "a few years" read other folks' problems and never felt the urge to register and help them out and you wait till YOU want something ! Seems to be all about "ME ME ME" !
And that is assuming it's not all fantasising.
If this is genuine, however, then the OP should be seeking professional counselling rather than posting about it on here, as she is possibly being made more upset by people disbelieving her.
That is, if you'll excuse the harshness, a selfish and terrible thought. You may disapprove of your sister, but here you are saying that you want to take her husband and her child! Do you really think she will happily accept a situation where she drops off her daughter with her ex husband and her sister playing happy families?
It's always hard to tell, but I imagine your sister doesn't share a lot of her deeper emotions with you, but rather with the husband who still chooses to be with her.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread - don't you dare make a move that could destroy the happiness of your niece.