And yet, when people go out to attract someone, they often try to look their best, by wearing make up, dressing in a certain way, etc. If you're trying to attract a mate, you don't go out unwashed and wearing your dressing gown and expect to be judged on your inner character.
No, but being a stone overweight is never going to improve matters.
Many married women who get fat seem to adopt the tactic of stuffing as much food down their partner as possible to make him less attractive to anyone else.
I think you are confusing 'men' with 'Perigord geese'. A man old enough to marry is surely old enough to eat what he chooses. I have never actually seen a woman forcing food down her husband's throat with a funnel.
If your partner gains 30 stone, it's not beautiful, no matter how much you love them, surely?
It sounds rather pathological. It's like saying 'if your partner is burnt in a fire, it's not beautiful'. How many people do you know who have gained 30 stone?
The issue is with people who have gained 3 or 4 stone.
There's a difference between loving your partner and being sexually attracted to them and the two aren't mutually inclusive. Some people seem to be suggesting that if you love someone it shouldn't make any difference what they look like. It may be like that for some people but doesn't work that way for me. If your partner's appearance changes drastically then of course that can affect how attracted to them you are.
My partner's put on so much weight in the time we've been together and it's gotten to the stage where I'm just far less attracted to him than I was although I love him deeply. I've asked him to lose weight for the sake of his health but he seems unwilling/unable to lose weight and he's now obese to the stage where he's going to start suffering health problems at some stage. I don't really know where we can go from here.
Roll on the 'you're so shallow'/'your partner deserves better than you' comments.
It's difficult to comment on someone else's marriage without sounding unbearably patronising. But - excuse me if this is out of order - the issue seems to be with your husband's refusal to communicate properly, not with his shape per se. There are various things he could say or do that might be more attractive than the nothing he seems to be doing. Refusing to listen to your wife's justified concerns IS unattractive; I am sure you would find him more attractive if he listened, took on board that your fears are reasonable, and started a realistic plan to address them; hopefully the attractiveness would start before the flat stomach, as valiant attempts are appealing even if not wildly successful.
And yet, when people go out to attract someone, they often try to look their best, by wearing make up, dressing in a certain way, etc. If you're trying to attract a mate, you don't go out unwashed and wearing your dressing gown and expect to be judged on your inner character.
I just think people changing themselves to attract or keep a partner is silly
It sounds rather pathological. It's like saying 'if your partner is burnt in a fire, it's not beautiful'. How many people do you know who have gained 30 stone?
The issue is with people who have gained 3 or 4 stone.
Yes, my comment only really works in the context of the post to which I replied.
Really? Everyone who wears make up or dresses up or puts on aftershave to attract someone - just silly?
If that isn't how they usually are then yes
For instance I'm a bit of a rock chick, I wear leggings, rock T, boots no make up etc if I single and I suddenly started dressing like a girly girl in dresses and heels, wearing make up, fake lashes and hair extensions just to attract a partner that would be silly because it's not the real me
For instance I'm a bit of a rock chick, I wear leggings, rock T, boots no make up etc if I single and I suddenly started dressing like a girly girl in dresses and heels, wearing make up, fake lashes and hair extensions just to attract a partner that would be silly because it's not the real me
I understand. I think quite a lot of people make an effort to attract a partner, though, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.
It's difficult to comment on someone else's marriage without sounding unbearably patronising. But - excuse me if this is out of order - the issue seems to be with your husband's refusal to communicate properly, not with his shape per se. There are various things he could say or do that might be more attractive than the nothing he seems to be doing. Refusing to listen to your wife's justified concerns IS unattractive; I am sure you would find him more attractive if he listened, took on board that your fears are reasonable, and started a realistic plan to address them; hopefully the attractiveness would start before the flat stomach, as valiant attempts are appealing even if not wildly successful.
Not out of order at all wonkeydonkey, thanks for your input. You make a really good point actually - I find the apathy and the not doing anything about it at all so frustrating I could cry. I feel like I'm beginning to nag and thats making me feel really frustrated with myself on top of everything else. It's actually becoming the elephant in the room, it's becoming a huge issue and I just don't know what to do anymore. If I ignore it, nothing happens. If I talk about it, nothing happens.
Not out of order at all wonkeydonkey, thanks for your input. You make a really good point actually - I find the apathy and the not doing anything about it at all so frustrating I could cry. I feel like I'm beginning to nag and thats making me feel really frustrated with myself on top of everything else. It's actually becoming the elephant in the room, it's becoming a huge issue and I just don't know what to do anymore. If I ignore it, nothing happens. If I talk about it, nothing happens.
The girl looks great now. Ive been overweight more than once in my life and I didnt need anyone to tell me, I knew. I would think sometimes a comment from someone else might spur someone into action. Of course people have to lose weight first and foremost for themselves, but it depends on the delivery, if its said with tact, its not the same as someone being rude about it.
Its all very well saying that your partner should love you for who you are, but if someone gains 4 or 5 stones, they change, they probably won't feel as good about themselves and that will probably affect their mood as well
I bet shes a hell of a lot happier in herself losing the weight shes lost.
The girl looks great now. Ive been overweight more than once in my life and I didnt need anyone to tell me, I knew. I would think sometimes a comment from someone else might spur someone into action. Of course people have to lose weight first and foremost for themselves, but it depends on the delivery, if its said with tact, its not the same as someone being rude about it.
Its all very well saying that your partner should love you for who you are, but if someone gains 4 or 5 stones, they change, they probably won't feel as good about themselves and that will probably affect their mood as well
I bet shes a hell of a lot happier in herself losing the weight shes lost.
I bet she is. I gained weight on steroids and was miserable, I couldn't wait to shift it. But that was because I wasn't happy...my skin was sore, my thighs rubbed, deodorant didn't work. Not because my husband wasn't happy. He never once mentioned it.
He bought her a bedroom shoot as a reward...the whole tone of what he says is it's all about how she looks makes him feel and cause he's not happy he passed that on to her. I'd've told him to go **** himself.
Your not changing who you are as a person, just want to look attractive.
People's looks evolve as well. I dont dress in the same way as I did at 25 or even 35 and Id dress differently going to a gig than I would to a wedding obviously.
Comments
I mean that some people might try to change their appearance to impress a partner.
Then those people are silly IMO
And yet, when people go out to attract someone, they often try to look their best, by wearing make up, dressing in a certain way, etc. If you're trying to attract a mate, you don't go out unwashed and wearing your dressing gown and expect to be judged on your inner character.
The issue is with people who have gained 3 or 4 stone.
It's difficult to comment on someone else's marriage without sounding unbearably patronising. But - excuse me if this is out of order - the issue seems to be with your husband's refusal to communicate properly, not with his shape per se. There are various things he could say or do that might be more attractive than the nothing he seems to be doing. Refusing to listen to your wife's justified concerns IS unattractive; I am sure you would find him more attractive if he listened, took on board that your fears are reasonable, and started a realistic plan to address them; hopefully the attractiveness would start before the flat stomach, as valiant attempts are appealing even if not wildly successful.
I just think people changing themselves to attract or keep a partner is silly
Yes, my comment only really works in the context of the post to which I replied.
Really? Everyone who wears make up or dresses up or puts on aftershave to attract someone - just silly?
If that isn't how they usually are then yes
For instance I'm a bit of a rock chick, I wear leggings, rock T, boots no make up etc if I single and I suddenly started dressing like a girly girl in dresses and heels, wearing make up, fake lashes and hair extensions just to attract a partner that would be silly because it's not the real me
I understand. I think quite a lot of people make an effort to attract a partner, though, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.
There's a difference between making an effort and changing who you are/what you wear though
I was talking about the latter
Right, got you. Good point, well made.
Thank you
I got there in the end (a bit slow sometimes).
I should have explained better
No, thank you for persevering. :cool:
Not out of order at all wonkeydonkey, thanks for your input. You make a really good point actually - I find the apathy and the not doing anything about it at all so frustrating I could cry. I feel like I'm beginning to nag and thats making me feel really frustrated with myself on top of everything else. It's actually becoming the elephant in the room, it's becoming a huge issue and I just don't know what to do anymore. If I ignore it, nothing happens. If I talk about it, nothing happens.
Does he actually want to lose weight?
Yeah - he's said he hates being so fat.
Its all very well saying that your partner should love you for who you are, but if someone gains 4 or 5 stones, they change, they probably won't feel as good about themselves and that will probably affect their mood as well
I bet shes a hell of a lot happier in herself losing the weight shes lost.
Your not changing who you are as a person, just want to look attractive.
I bet she is. I gained weight on steroids and was miserable, I couldn't wait to shift it. But that was because I wasn't happy...my skin was sore, my thighs rubbed, deodorant didn't work. Not because my husband wasn't happy. He never once mentioned it.
He bought her a bedroom shoot as a reward...the whole tone of what he says is it's all about how she looks makes him feel and cause he's not happy he passed that on to her. I'd've told him to go **** himself.
My look is part of who I am
There are too much double standards when it comes to gender and weight.
I wouldn't
As I said earlier his weight is nothing to do with me just as mine is nothing to do with him
People's looks evolve as well. I dont dress in the same way as I did at 25 or even 35 and Id dress differently going to a gig than I would to a wedding obviously.