Options
Talking without winding youself up
When I talk about things that are bothering me, stressing me out, things that are on my mind, to my parents, if its about my health and/or work then quite often I'm told im actually not helping myelf by bringing it all up, that im winding myself up, making me worse. My mum says I need to relax and not wind myself up by going over and over the same things, saying that just makes things worse. I agree up to a point, in that I do cringe when I hear myself effectively going over the same ground multiple times and getting frustrated, pacing about and using hand expressions and whatever else. However I don't think its necessarily good to not acknowledge whats embarrassing/bothering/upsetting you either. My mum says that sometimes the best thing you can do, is to distract yourself but im not entirely convinced ignoring things is always healthy.
Anyway, I just wanted to ask if anyone has any advice in terms of trying to prevent going from explaining what is bothering me at a set time, to getting wound up and melodramatic about it. I agree its not great to wind myself up but sometimes I think things ought to be mentioned but it seems a bad habit of mine that I can't just mention something and give it the brief mention I probably ought to - instead I might over-react about it, or just wind myself up about it. My mum tells me off about it, saying your just making yourself worse and I say 'don't tell me off, I don't mean to get like this, I don't like being this way' - its making me quite self conscious, its embarrassing. I thought I was getting better at this sort of thing but apparently not.
Anyway, I just wanted to ask if anyone has any advice in terms of trying to prevent going from explaining what is bothering me at a set time, to getting wound up and melodramatic about it. I agree its not great to wind myself up but sometimes I think things ought to be mentioned but it seems a bad habit of mine that I can't just mention something and give it the brief mention I probably ought to - instead I might over-react about it, or just wind myself up about it. My mum tells me off about it, saying your just making yourself worse and I say 'don't tell me off, I don't mean to get like this, I don't like being this way' - its making me quite self conscious, its embarrassing. I thought I was getting better at this sort of thing but apparently not.
0
Comments
However it sounds like what you are trying to do is over think situations and focus on a negative aspects rather than taking a balanced approach and seeing both side of problem.
I suggest to look into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) it is about trying to link situations to positive or lighter thoughts. It focuses on breaking down problems into elements you can deal with so solve rather than looking at one mass of issues that feel out of control.
Their is plenty of books on the subject and treatment can be found on the NHS but the waiting lists are normally very long. Private options exist if you can afford it but starting with a book it a good idea.
Thank you anyway.
Often a walk is good for helping to clear the head and release endorphins.
Also sometimes doing something to distract yourself even if it's just stopping for a minute and making a cup of tea.
I tend to go out for walks at least a few days a week - I do find it helps to jog the mind a bit and think of extra things to do, that might not have come to mind otherwise but often, almost exclusively, these spats/arguments or whatever happen in the evening, after or around dinnertime.
Distracting myself was suggested, which I sort of agree with to an extent but the way I look at it is, if im trying to explain or address something thats on my mind, I'm only doing it because I've reached the realisation that I need to get it off my chest, for want of a better phrase. Is that not just another way of saying 'don't bother me/us with that, go away'?. I think ultimately its about getting things in perspective, which I know to do, I mean I do feel guilty when I realise ahh im reading too much in to things but its a bit of a catch 20 situaton in a way, as it makes me more ticked off when I realise im doing that, a bit like being frustrated at being frustrated.
Granted it's not always fixable but at least you know you chose the best option for dealing with it.
It depends on what it is but yes, most things have an answer of some sort eventually, if you can pick your way through it.
What about something fairly minor but slightly irritating, such as a colleague taking time off that may mean I don't have cover to take my break and giving me extra work to close up? I dont have an entitlement to taking time off but they do. Its just the way it is. There isnt much of a solution to that, just wait and see if things pan out the way I hear their going to or maybe, for whatever reason, im wrong and it won't be an issue? thats not what im hearing. Or the fact I'm left on my own when I ought to be working with someone else - ive been told its known about and they are looking to see if anyone can help cover but their not hopeful right now because everywhere seems to be understaffed. I'll do what I can but im not management - its not really my problem to fix.
About the work side of it, I can totally understand that would wind you up when you tell someone about it. However, I think the onus to sort that side of it is partly on you - the longer you put up with it, the longer they'll let you. If you manage alone, they won't try too hard to transfer/recruit the partner you're supposed to need. It's cheaper for them, after all, if you can do the job of two people, even though it really stresses you out.
Whilst you're right in that it's management's job to fix, I'd take ownership of the problem and tell them I'm really struggling to cope, so much so that I'm going to end up with time off sick with exhaustion or stress. They need to see how another person alongside you is essential. What if you caught chicken pox or the 'flu or something (I'm not wishing ill on you, though)? You couldn't work whilst feeling really poorly, so they need to be a bit more forward thinking.
Best of luck. x
Getting a good nights sleep and yoga is very good for stress, alongside b vitamins especially b6 and magnesium.
I suppose so. It doesn't seem entirely fair. I try to keep work issues off the site but things haven't been great this year. My line manager did acknowledge the situation very recently though and like I think I said, she did say they were looking to see if anyone can help, so thats something. She asked if I was ok, I maybe looked a bit vacant
I was off sick last year but the staffing was different then.
Oh well im already up late. My job is quite stressful because of whats involved anyway but I'd rather not get in to details here I think but thank you.
I actually used to attend yogda evening classes but stopped going after a year or two for a few reasons (the instructor changed and the lessons got harder, I got less help I think, the price went up and I felt more self conscious about it and effectively didn't really enjoy going. I get a bit socially anxious, plus my work hours changed and I work into the evening so that makes it harder to attend evening classes).
Tinnitus has been bothering me in the evening lately - my mum says (again) that I just need to relax(!) but its hard to when there are things like that bothering you. She seems to think im bringing on a lot of such issues by getting wound up about things in the first place - there could be some truth to that.
On an aside some things are not worth worrying /thinking about, if you cannot effect the outcome why bother, for example, I am going to die when, how, where, before or after my spouse, there is no point in worrying, it will happen like it or not
That's the thing.
Although it's up to you to be coherent and measured when you're talking about stuff, it's up to the other person to realise that the fact that you are talking about it means there's an issue to be dealt with or, at least, discussed rather than simply "swept under the table".
I hope you don't take this the wrong way and it doesn't make you feel more self-conscious but is it possible that people are telling you that you're just winding yourself up as a way to get you to shut up 'cos they're sick of hearing you moaning?
If it's possible that you are going a bit "OTT" and that people are just trying to get you to shut up, I'd suggest you need to try and find a better way to articulate your issues.
You certainly shouldn't just keep quiet about all the stuff that's bothering you 'cos that'll eat you up but maybe you need to learn to be more controlled about the way you discuss stuff?
One thing that might be worth a try is listening to some relaxation / meditation podcasts, which are free as downloads from various places. I find they calm me down nicely, and I imagine if used regularly, they could have a really positive effect.
Just found this, which looks promising:
http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/podcasts/
Yes, exactly. Its probably human nature that people don't like to hear you (as another person) are annoyed or upset about things they possibly can't help you with, I appreciate that but its all about getting the balance right. I've no doubt they get fed up with me 'going on about things' and trust me, I'd like to not have things to 'go on' about, of course. I notice myself that its when I vocalise things, (I'll try and word this as best I can) say its just something brief in passing, like a rumour I heard or something like that, it'll take me a while to say because its bothering me and sometimes it takes me a bit of meandering around the subject before I 'spit it out' but when I do, I can end up elaborating on it more than I really needed to. I realise I do that and its a bit embarrassing. If I think things through in my head, like as I'm driving or otherwise on my own, I can boil things down into a few sentences but once I'm saying it outloud, its as if as im talking, it makes me think of more things related to whatever it is im saying and I keep going on about it, when I should have just left it after the first few sentences worth. If that makes any sense at all?. I'm bad enough at posting long posts here, so imagine when im talking out loud
I think someone said that I just think aloud too quickly, without going over things in my head enough but I do usually, say if I'm driving back from work as just an example, I'll think through what I want/need to say at home but when im there, I say it and then just keep going on about it for longer than I probably need to and I end up winding myself up because ill end up lke 'oh and then that might mean this won't be possible...' ...'and what about this? why did they wait until now?' etc. I don't mean to do it, I realise I do, I can hear me doing it at the time and I try and tone down a bit but sometimes it just doesn't happen and the irony is, that just makes me more self-conscious, which is likely to make me more frustrated with myself and thus makes the whole thing a bit worse, especially if at the root of it, most issues come down to being self conscious, or lacking self confidence etc. in the first place.
Its difficult to make yourself relaxed when stress makes my excema/itchy legs and other health issues flare up. I looked in to hypnotherapy and things beforehand but maybe I just didn't try hard enough? but that sort of thing never really seems to make much difference really. I have an album, classical music for relaxation but it tends to be that when I put music on, I'll prefer to listen to other things which are more emotive, to get absorbed in it, rather than the sort of specific relaxation type music, however you word that. I suppose its maybe a case of feeling like if I sit there trying to de-stress, it'll just constantly remind me that I'm stressed - hah(!). I don't know, its a bit ridiculous.I'm a bit disappointed in myself really, I should probably try that sort of thing more
My dad however will tell us all about something my nan has said what annoyed him, but he does it in his normal voice and makes it a bit jokey so its ok.
My mum and sister however do get wound up. My sister will talk a lot loudef about something someones said whats annoyed her and talks quicker. Its a very one sided conversation and she looks like its upset her.
My mum is similar but she will talk in an aggressive manner and become wuite confrontational about it, so in their cases they are clearly being wound up by retelling the tale the made them mad.
Its all about how you hold youself when you retell it. If you get emotional or act differently then of course your mum will think its upsetting you to talk about it and suggest its best if you dont relive it. If however you can still talk about it, allowing other peoples input and dont seem to get aggrivated by bringing it up then nobody would suggest you bottle it up.
I'd like to do a proper course to learn the more meditation side of things but don't have time at the moment.
Years ago I worked for a company where the culture was really "poisonous", with pessimism, cynicism, back-stabbing and empire-building being the order of the day.
It got so bad that they hired in a bunch of consultants to try and sort it all out.
I can't remember all the buzzwords and acronyms but one of their key "things" was the idea that it's okay to blow off steam for a while (phase 1) but, eventually, you've got to get past that phase and move onto doing something more constructive (phase 2).
It seems like, by yourself, you might want to think about adopting a similar sort of system.
I mean, if you're just pissed-off because the traffic is bad or because it's raining or because you've missed Hollyoaks then you can probably just stay at "phase 1", have a moan about it and then put it behind you.
If, OTOH, the issue is something more tangible, like you think you're being treated unfairly at work or that you have an upset stomach or that your friends take advantage of you then it's in your own interests to realise when you've been in "phase 1" for too long and that it's preventing you from moving to "phase 2", where you can actually seek advice about your problems or tell people what you expect of them in future.
The main thing you need to do (IMO) is set yourself some goals for what you actually expect to get out of a discussion with somebody.
If you don't actually expect to get anything then, frankly, you can't expect people to indulge your moaning forever.
If you do want something (advice, probably) then it's up to you to move the discussion in a way that gets you to where you want to be.
Let's say, for example, that a co-worker is keeping all the cushy jobs for themselves and back-heeling all the shitty jobs to you.
You might start off by just moaning about that person but you need to remind yourself that you're looking for ADVICE so it's up to you to manipulate the discussion so you receive advice.
Maybe the way to do that is by asking questions rather than expressing feelings?
Instead of just ranting about how your co-worker is an arsehole, ask the person you're talking to if they've ever been in a similar position and see if they can tell you what they did about it.
It might all sound rather hard to remember in the heat of the moment but you're obviously capable of thinking about things as you're saying them so you should be able to recognise when things aren't going the way you want them to and then it's just a case of remembering what you actually want from the discussion and steering it back the way you want it.
One simple thing that I do is to interrupt myself mid-rant.
When I realise that I'm prattling on and it's not actually constructive, I just say so.
I'll just stop in the middle of a rant and say "Actually, this isn't really helping. What I really want to say is...." and then say what I really intended to say.
Maybe you could start doing that?
Yes, that sounds like it could be of use/interest.
I really need to work on this, it happened again when I got home a short while ago. I seem to think too quickly
Thank you for the replies/suggestions.
That makes sense. I think some of the time part of the issue is that I'm basically on my own at work for the last few hours there, so when I finally get home its the first time I'm elsewhere and able to say anything about whatever the issue might be (although it isn't always exclusively work issues but often it is), so its often been sitting in the back of my mind for a while and thus im keen to get it off my chest but I do need to be careful how I go about that. I don't like being unfairly loud or rude or anything like that. I thought I was getting better at shrugging off some things but its been a bit of a tough year.
I guess ill just have to think things through a bit more beforehand, though I thought I did think it through like when im driving home or out for a walk or whenever but I suppose it goes out of the window when I start talking and allow myself to get annoyed or emotional about things.
Thanks for all the replies and suggestions - I appreciate it.
It seems from your posts you just unloading on people all your problems but it is just one way traffic. People just switch off certainly if it is people close and they have heard it all before. They are not being rude but it gets the point when you get sick of trying to help people but they just ignore any of the advice you give them. You seem to very quickly go into shut down mode kill off any suggestion it leaves the other person feeling as if they are just their to listen.
Tomorrow when you talking with people really focus on what they are saying. Ask questions about what what they are saying try to focus on them rather than what you want to say so much. Ask people what sort of day they are having. Don't mentioned your problems just have one day when you keep the talk light hearted and see how you feel afterwards.
Their is a time to share problems but it is not good to do it every day of the week.
Yes, im bad at that I suppose. I don't have many people to talk to though. I try to be thankful. I don't really talk to people much, other than online obviously, otherwise its just if I'm in the same room as my parents and I'll explain what went on while I was away.
That link I gave you wasn't about relaxing music, though. Did you check it out? It has a number of podcasts, which talk you through various relaxation techniques. They are produced by the Mental Health Foundation, so they are professionally done. Worth a listen maybe, if you're looking for an answer?
I recall my ex-husband having a bloody terrible time at work for a good couple of years (due to a bad manager) and every single night he'd come home with tales of woe - from somebody putting two sugars in his tea every time to the manager refusing to let him go to the loo when he was ill but in work one day. Everything that went on in his workplace got him down - even good news was greeted by a downside to it, which he then offloaded to me when he got home.
It's incredibly draining to be on the receiving end, Izzy. I wouldn't think badly of those you're offloading to, just try techniques to get yourself out of the cycle of negativity, even if it's something like... I dunno, a dictaphone (or your mobile) in the car with you as you're driving (or at traffic lights) that you can offload to, to get it all out of your system before you get home. I don't know - maybe others wouldn't agree, but it might be a way to let off steam. Then, things will be more pleasant at home, and you might feel more happy in general?