I feel your pain, i was in a relationship with a man who had kids previously and any time i suggested that i felt they werent disciplined enough or asked to do chores etc i was told that i couldnt understand as i wasnt a parent myself. He was reluctant to tell them to do anything as he didnt see them that often and didnt want to rock the boat at all. The result is that they have grown up slightly selfish and never lift a finger. Ive gone on to have kids of my own and realised that yes, i do understand as my kids are asked to do chores and disciplined and (so far) growing up to be polite helpful children.
It could be that your partner doesnt want to say no to his daughter or upset her when she is with him. Its understandable but long term will cause its own issues. The co-sleeping is one issue but if it wasnt that then she would probably assert herself in another way so i think the attachment issue is what needs addressing.
Do you have a psare room for her to sleep in? Can you get her involved in decorating it the way she wants to try and make her feel more comfy there? It must be unsettling to change houses so often, can you have a friend of hers over for a sleepover so she has company in her own room?
If she feels threatened by you, can you suggest that you take her out for the day or the evening - just you 'girls' so you can get used to each other and she wont see you as a threat to her and her dads relationship?
How do you get on with her mum? Is the mum supportive of your relationship with your partner (i.e. not slagging you off etc)
Obviously not, If he was he would be supporting you. I think you should leave.
Don't make a big drama and leave, when the kid is with her mother.
This situation is not healthy. You shouldn't be sleeping with this kid. I wouldn't trust them. Down the line you might have problems. Get out now. You can do so much better. Good luck. Next time go for a single guy,:)
You are totally right. I feel trapped and not ready to take on a kid. Perhaps if things were different but I feel like I'm too young and immature to deal with it. I would never make him choose though. She is his child and although I think he is spoiling her and turning her into a brat it's not my problem.
I don't know if she knows. She has never spoken to me. Just drops the child off at ours or picks her up every Sunday.
Do you not think it's inappropriate that you're sleeping with someone else's child?! How long have you been with your boyfriend?
I don't have children but my ex had a daughter and I couldn't imagine sleeping in a bed with her and we were together eight years from when she was four to twelve. I had a pretty good relationship with her - more so when she got older. I'm still friends with her on Facebook (not my ex as he deleted me 😂 as soon as he got married - just enough time for me to see all the wedding photos!) She was a spoiled brat when she was younger and we argued about her behaviour but, now I'm older and outside the situation, I look back and can see she was just reacting to her parents splitting up.
I feel your pain, i was in a relationship with a man who had kids previously and any time i suggested that i felt they werent disciplined enough or asked to do chores etc i was told that i couldnt understand as i wasnt a parent myself. He was reluctant to tell them to do anything as he didnt see them that often and didnt want to rock the boat at all. The result is that they have grown up slightly selfish and never lift a finger. Ive gone on to have kids of my own and realised that yes, i do understand as my kids are asked to do chores and disciplined and (so far) growing up to be polite helpful children.
It could be that your partner doesnt want to say no to his daughter or upset her when she is with him. Its understandable but long term will cause its own issues. The co-sleeping is one issue but if it wasnt that then she would probably assert herself in another way so i think the attachment issue is what needs addressing.
Do you have a psare room for her to sleep in? Can you get her involved in decorating it the way she wants to try and make her feel more comfy there? It must be unsettling to change houses so often, can you have a friend of hers over for a sleepover so she has company in her own room?
If she feels threatened by you, can you suggest that you take her out for the day or the evening - just you 'girls' so you can get used to each other and she wont see you as a threat to her and her dads relationship?
How do you get on with her mum? Is the mum supportive of your relationship with your partner (i.e. not slagging you off etc)
She has her own room. It's a very nice roo actually. Her own TV. Laptop Xbox 1 you name it. But she will never use it. She would rather watch our TV in the living room. I don't know the mum she doesn't come in to the house she doesn't seem to have a problem. Although the daughter has said that her mum let's her do whatever she likes. That's all I have heard.
You are totally right. I feel trapped and not ready to take on a kid. Perhaps if things were different but I feel like I'm too young and immature to deal with it. I would never make him choose though. She is his child and although I think he is spoiling her and turning her into a brat it's not my problem.
Totally agree. Like you said, you are young and don't need this stress.
Good luck.:)
You are totally right. I feel trapped and not ready to take on a kid. Perhaps if things were different but I feel like I'm too young and immature to deal with it. I would never make him choose though. She is his child and although I think he is spoiling her and turning her into a brat it's not my problem.
You're being a bit contradictory now. In your OP, you said you wanted more say in how the child's raised, and now you say you're too young for the responsibility and feel trapped.
If you want more say, then it IS your problem, as well as your boyfriend's.
Also, you're saying you feel like it's the two of them against you. One of those "two" is a child and not responsible for her own actions. If you wanted to, you could put in a lot of effort and help to sort her out. It's up to you, but whatever you do, don't blame the kid. None of this is her fault.
She has her own room. It's a very nice roo actually. Her own TV. Laptop Xbox 1 you name it. But she will never use it. She would rather watch our TV in the living room. I don't know the mum she doesn't come in to the house she doesn't seem to have a problem. Although the daughter has said that her mum let's her do whatever she likes. That's all I have heard.
It sounds like both her parents will let her do what she wants then.
How old are you? how long have you been with this man?
Ultimately, you will have to decide if its something that you can put up with. She might get better with age, or she might get worse, but you will start to resent your partner for not backing you up. In the future, if you have kids with this man - will you agree on discipline then? will you both agree on boundaries? Its an insight as to how he will act as a parent and when its your own children (and he cant accuse you of not understanding as you dont have kids) then how will you deal with situations.
It might be an unpopular opinion but when you are dealing with his child for one week out of 2, you SHOULD have a say in whats happening, especially as you are living with him. I have two children and a partner who is not their dad and i would expect him to discipline them as much as i do and i would expect the children to obey him as they would me.
With regards to rights of the OP when it comes to how the child is dealt with, she can't really demand to have a say in that. However she has every right to have a say about how it affects her relationship, and if the daughter is in her bed, that is a pretty big part of the intimacy of her and her boyfriend. It's not a "you or your daughter" situation - the fact of the matter is that his daughter is too old to be sharing a bed with her dad. I don't think it's inappropriate or a matter for anybody else to be concerned, but it's part of growing up. She should be in her own bed, and you need your space with your boyfriend.
as I said before, politely approach this with your boyfriend, ensure that this is enforced that she is in her own bed, and be prepared for a rough couple of weeks of tantrums.
It would be an immediate safeguarding report if it was one of my clients. Co-sleeping with a parent of the opposite gender is one of the things we have to refer to Children's Services.
Good lord! Although it should not surprise me at all. Seems like a lot kids these days are taken away on the flimsiest of reasons.
Was watching something on forced adoption the other day and thought seems a bit over the top and then blow me, next day Cameron gave a speech on making adoption faster and easier.. gave me the chills at the time.
Its like when I pick two children up from nursery school , if they hurt themselfs there its fast explanation and sign this.. ..IF they go to school with anything wrong with them, its like the 3rd degree. I expect a chair and light in my face sometimes.
Has no one thought that the boyfriend allows her because he is scared that if he doesn't she won't want to stay with him. He bends over backwards for her because he wants her to be happy when she stays with him. It can't be easy for either of them and we don't know what his relationship with the mother is like.
I had three children one lived with dad the other two lived with me.. the ones who lived with me felt I spoilt the other a little.. the one who lived with dad felt he spoilt the other two a little, Its only because one we didn't see them all the time and yes as you say, you worry in case they might not want to come see you.. now I am older I see the silliness of it all. but it gets to you at the time.
OP just back off give them time maybe a camp bed next to yours for a while or sofa bed in the bedroom.. try to be friends with her. most kids are pretty easy to get along with once you break the barriers down...
I am sorry, there is no excuse for a 11 year old to sleep with her father or mother.
I think it's very unhealthy. I think you can do better than this idiot.
What he is a idiot is he for caring about his child and putting her first?
Grow up!
Edit - @sarah777 it is plain obvious by your posts you are either a troll or just a nasty bitter person. @op try to help him get the child into her own room maybe both sit with her until she falls asleep etc, reassure her her that everythng will be ok and take thngs one step at a time.
She has her own room. It's a very nice roo actually. Her own TV. Laptop Xbox 1 you name it. But she will never use it. She would rather watch our TV in the living room. I don't know the mum she doesn't come in to the house she doesn't seem to have a problem. Although the daughter has said that her mum let's her do whatever she likes. That's all I have heard.
A child should watch TV in the living room with adults.
Its not "our" TV its the TV for the entire household and when she stays there she is part of the household
Sorry, meant to guy without any strings. I normally say, single guys and single parents.
For me, a guy with a kid is not a single guy.
Are you so insecure that you need full attention of a partner and not able to share?
As you go though life you pick up strings etc so it becomes less and less likely you will find such a person.
Moreso today with the children situation at the moment its quite common for people to have children at a young age and no longer be in a relationship with the other party.
The situation is that my boyfriend has shared custody of his 11 year old daughter. She spends one week with us and the next with her mum. I have no problem with this at all because I knew he had a child and knew the situation. The problem is that she demands his attention at all times. She even sleeps in our bed in between us. I find her spoiled and demanding but my boyfriend says that I don't have kids so I wouldn't understand. She suffers anxiety apparently although I don't see any evidence of that. What am meant to do. I cannot put up with this for much longer. I want some say in how she is raised and this is not right.
You want a say in how she is raised yet you seem to know very little about her life
Are you so insecure that you need full attention of a partner and not able to share?
As you go though life you pick up strings etc so it becomes less and less likely you will find such a person.
Moreso today with the children situation at the moment its quite common for people to have children at a young age and no longer be in a relationship with the other party.
I am sorry, I have the right to go out with anyone I want. I am happily married.
When I was dating, I only went out with single guys. I am not insecure, infect I am more secure and believ I deserve better than a guy with some baggage.
You want to go out with guys with children, please do. Don't go around calling people
names.
I am sorry, I have the right to go out with anyone I want. I am happily married.
When I was dating, I only went out with single guys. I am not insecure, infect I am more secure and believ I deserve better than a guy with some baggage.
You want to go out with guys with children, please do. Don't go around calling people
names.
Of course you are.
Do you not have baggage?
Its something most people collect as they go though life. I would be more worried about a adult who has gone though life without baggage.
I am sorry, I have the right to go out with anyone I want. I am happily married.
When I was dating, I only went out with single guys. I am not insecure, infect I am more secure and believ I deserve better than a guy with some baggage.
You want to go out with guys with children, please do. Don't go around calling people
names.
As has been pointed out to you, a single person doesn't necessarily mean one without children. And you feel you 'deserve better than a guy with some baggage'? Good grief, what a rotten attitude. Firstly, every adult comes with some baggage. Secondly, you say 'deserve' like fathers are somehow less worthy of your time and attention.
As has been pointed out to you, a single person doesn't necessarily mean one without children. And you feel you 'deserve better than a guy with some baggage'? Good grief, what a rotten attitude. Firstly, every adult comes with some baggage. Secondly, you say 'deserve' like fathers are somehow less worthy of your time and attention.
I am sorry, it's how I feel. When I say single, no kids and not in any relationship.
I didn't mean deserve in that way, because I was told that I am insecure and can't share a partner, I just said aim secure and deserve, I just think life is complicated enough and don't need anymore. We all have different requirements in life.
Doesn't make one better than the other. Each to their own.
How is it a rotten attitude??? Am I asking a guys to leave his children and come??.
It's better to be honest and up front, than pretend to be someone you are not.
I am sorry, it's how I feel. When I say single, no kids and not in any relationship.
I didn't mean deserve in that way, because I was told that I am insecure and can't share a partner, I just said aim secure and deserve, I just think life is complicated enough and don't need anymore. We all have different requirements in life.
Doesn't make one better than the other. Each to their own.
How is it a rotten attitude??? Am I asking a guys to leave his children and come??.
It's better to be honest and up front, than pretend to be someone you are not.
What he is a idiot is he for caring about his child and putting her first?
Grow up!
Edit - @sarah777 it is plain obvious by your posts you are either a troll or just a nasty bitter person. @op try to help him get the child into her own room maybe both sit with her until she falls asleep etc, reassure her her that everythng will be ok and take thngs one step at a time.
Did you even read my posts??. I was telling her "leave this idiot". I was saying he was not a good partner and she deserved better. Read all my posts before calling a troll.
I am very happy, thanks.:)
Situations such as this are not uncommon, and they are never easy. In utopia we would all have uncomplicated lives, straight forward love lives and no baggage (I hate that word, but am going with the points raised in relation to it for simplicity) Meeting someone who has children is never easy, they have a Mom and a Dad, and they usually set the parenting status quo, introduce a third party into the equation and it all goes pear-shaped.
Everyone wants to be considered and seen as a valid party, and have a defined role, often there's friction between ex's, and contact issues used to score points. Many parents who are not the primary carer feel the need to over compensate when they have their children on contact visits, they want to make that weekend 'perfect' and for the child to enjoy their time with them. Often so they want to come back, and they often feel guilty that the child is in that situation, so they want to 'make good'.
You have to be very secure and dedicated to take on the role of the third party, it's often a thankless task, it's often common to feel there's a them and me situation going on. As others have pointed out making it feel like 'home' with regular routine and support, without it being they have a room, so we have the lounge to relax. The lounge should be a shared space. Encourage her to use her room to sleep, and explain you love and care about her, and you are both close by. maybe your partner would benefit from not just viewing the child's Mother as a 'fling' and interacting with her as the Mother of his child, and have some discussion with her regarding his Daughters regular routines, such as does she sleep with Mom when at home. Maybe you could all sit down and talk things through to reassure the child you all care and have her best interests at heart.
By your own admission, it would seem you deem it to be a whole load of hassle that you neither really want or need. Or feel mature enough to take on such a role. Your partner sounds a good Dad, albeit a little misguided, he's never going to choose your feelings over his child's so maybe you need to make some tough decisions, and do what may be best all round, and one where everybody is happy. Left to fester it will lead to resentment, and that's not good for anybody.
I wish you luck with dealing with this decision, and hope you make the right choices for all involved. Take care.
Comments
It could be that your partner doesnt want to say no to his daughter or upset her when she is with him. Its understandable but long term will cause its own issues. The co-sleeping is one issue but if it wasnt that then she would probably assert herself in another way so i think the attachment issue is what needs addressing.
Do you have a psare room for her to sleep in? Can you get her involved in decorating it the way she wants to try and make her feel more comfy there? It must be unsettling to change houses so often, can you have a friend of hers over for a sleepover so she has company in her own room?
If she feels threatened by you, can you suggest that you take her out for the day or the evening - just you 'girls' so you can get used to each other and she wont see you as a threat to her and her dads relationship?
How do you get on with her mum? Is the mum supportive of your relationship with your partner (i.e. not slagging you off etc)
You are totally right. I feel trapped and not ready to take on a kid. Perhaps if things were different but I feel like I'm too young and immature to deal with it. I would never make him choose though. She is his child and although I think he is spoiling her and turning her into a brat it's not my problem.
Do you not think it's inappropriate that you're sleeping with someone else's child?! How long have you been with your boyfriend?
I don't have children but my ex had a daughter and I couldn't imagine sleeping in a bed with her and we were together eight years from when she was four to twelve. I had a pretty good relationship with her - more so when she got older. I'm still friends with her on Facebook (not my ex as he deleted me 😂 as soon as he got married - just enough time for me to see all the wedding photos!) She was a spoiled brat when she was younger and we argued about her behaviour but, now I'm older and outside the situation, I look back and can see she was just reacting to her parents splitting up.
She has her own room. It's a very nice roo actually. Her own TV. Laptop Xbox 1 you name it. But she will never use it. She would rather watch our TV in the living room. I don't know the mum she doesn't come in to the house she doesn't seem to have a problem. Although the daughter has said that her mum let's her do whatever she likes. That's all I have heard.
Totally agree. Like you said, you are young and don't need this stress.
Good luck.:)
Sorry, meant to guy without any strings. I normally say, single guys and single parents.
For me, a guy with a kid is not a single guy.
You're being a bit contradictory now. In your OP, you said you wanted more say in how the child's raised, and now you say you're too young for the responsibility and feel trapped.
If you want more say, then it IS your problem, as well as your boyfriend's.
Also, you're saying you feel like it's the two of them against you. One of those "two" is a child and not responsible for her own actions. If you wanted to, you could put in a lot of effort and help to sort her out. It's up to you, but whatever you do, don't blame the kid. None of this is her fault.
It sounds like both her parents will let her do what she wants then.
How old are you? how long have you been with this man?
Ultimately, you will have to decide if its something that you can put up with. She might get better with age, or she might get worse, but you will start to resent your partner for not backing you up. In the future, if you have kids with this man - will you agree on discipline then? will you both agree on boundaries? Its an insight as to how he will act as a parent and when its your own children (and he cant accuse you of not understanding as you dont have kids) then how will you deal with situations.
It might be an unpopular opinion but when you are dealing with his child for one week out of 2, you SHOULD have a say in whats happening, especially as you are living with him. I have two children and a partner who is not their dad and i would expect him to discipline them as much as i do and i would expect the children to obey him as they would me.
as I said before, politely approach this with your boyfriend, ensure that this is enforced that she is in her own bed, and be prepared for a rough couple of weeks of tantrums.
Good lord! Although it should not surprise me at all. Seems like a lot kids these days are taken away on the flimsiest of reasons.
Was watching something on forced adoption the other day and thought seems a bit over the top and then blow me, next day Cameron gave a speech on making adoption faster and easier.. gave me the chills at the time.
Its like when I pick two children up from nursery school , if they hurt themselfs there its fast explanation and sign this.. ..IF they go to school with anything wrong with them, its like the 3rd degree. I expect a chair and light in my face sometimes.
I had three children one lived with dad the other two lived with me.. the ones who lived with me felt I spoilt the other a little.. the one who lived with dad felt he spoilt the other two a little, Its only because one we didn't see them all the time and yes as you say, you worry in case they might not want to come see you.. now I am older I see the silliness of it all. but it gets to you at the time.
OP just back off give them time maybe a camp bed next to yours for a while or sofa bed in the bedroom.. try to be friends with her. most kids are pretty easy to get along with once you break the barriers down...
What he is a idiot is he for caring about his child and putting her first?
Grow up!
Edit - @sarah777 it is plain obvious by your posts you are either a troll or just a nasty bitter person.
@op try to help him get the child into her own room maybe both sit with her until she falls asleep etc, reassure her her that everythng will be ok and take thngs one step at a time.
A child should watch TV in the living room with adults.
Its not "our" TV its the TV for the entire household and when she stays there she is part of the household
Are you so insecure that you need full attention of a partner and not able to share?
As you go though life you pick up strings etc so it becomes less and less likely you will find such a person.
Moreso today with the children situation at the moment its quite common for people to have children at a young age and no longer be in a relationship with the other party.
You want a say in how she is raised yet you seem to know very little about her life
I am sorry, I have the right to go out with anyone I want. I am happily married.
When I was dating, I only went out with single guys. I am not insecure, infect I am more secure and believ I deserve better than a guy with some baggage.
You want to go out with guys with children, please do. Don't go around calling people
names.
Argh Missed that post. Very telling
Of course you are.
Do you not have baggage?
Its something most people collect as they go though life. I would be more worried about a adult who has gone though life without baggage.
What names have you been called?
As has been pointed out to you, a single person doesn't necessarily mean one without children. And you feel you 'deserve better than a guy with some baggage'? Good grief, what a rotten attitude. Firstly, every adult comes with some baggage. Secondly, you say 'deserve' like fathers are somehow less worthy of your time and attention.
I know its a thing today everyone glued to their own tablet/TV etc.
But I would have thought in the situation finds themselves they would want to spend as much time as possible interacting and bonding with the child.
While watching TV might not be the best use of time I remember watching TV as a family was very important and great fun
I am sorry, it's how I feel. When I say single, no kids and not in any relationship.
I didn't mean deserve in that way, because I was told that I am insecure and can't share a partner, I just said aim secure and deserve, I just think life is complicated enough and don't need anymore. We all have different requirements in life.
Doesn't make one better than the other. Each to their own.
How is it a rotten attitude??? Am I asking a guys to leave his children and come??.
It's better to be honest and up front, than pretend to be someone you are not.
What do you mean by "any relationship"?
Did you even read my posts??. I was telling her "leave this idiot". I was saying he was not a good partner and she deserved better. Read all my posts before calling a troll.
I am very happy, thanks.:)
That was about partners. I don't believe cheating on people. I am a family person,
I love my in laws.
Everyone wants to be considered and seen as a valid party, and have a defined role, often there's friction between ex's, and contact issues used to score points. Many parents who are not the primary carer feel the need to over compensate when they have their children on contact visits, they want to make that weekend 'perfect' and for the child to enjoy their time with them. Often so they want to come back, and they often feel guilty that the child is in that situation, so they want to 'make good'.
You have to be very secure and dedicated to take on the role of the third party, it's often a thankless task, it's often common to feel there's a them and me situation going on. As others have pointed out making it feel like 'home' with regular routine and support, without it being they have a room, so we have the lounge to relax. The lounge should be a shared space. Encourage her to use her room to sleep, and explain you love and care about her, and you are both close by. maybe your partner would benefit from not just viewing the child's Mother as a 'fling' and interacting with her as the Mother of his child, and have some discussion with her regarding his Daughters regular routines, such as does she sleep with Mom when at home. Maybe you could all sit down and talk things through to reassure the child you all care and have her best interests at heart.
By your own admission, it would seem you deem it to be a whole load of hassle that you neither really want or need. Or feel mature enough to take on such a role. Your partner sounds a good Dad, albeit a little misguided, he's never going to choose your feelings over his child's so maybe you need to make some tough decisions, and do what may be best all round, and one where everybody is happy. Left to fester it will lead to resentment, and that's not good for anybody.
I wish you luck with dealing with this decision, and hope you make the right choices for all involved. Take care.